Wednesday, February 24, 2010

When a girl wants...to be single...

Recently, the question of what the desire of my heart is has been a scary question to ask...because I feel that I am divided in weird ways...

Part of me is scared that I won't be married anytime soon and I would like to have kids...this is what I think I want, along with being a missionary. But, I am not the guaranteur of this venture..my job is to be patient...

But, also, I feel scared of not being scared. I know this sounds so strange, but we young women feel pressure to do things on a strict time schedule...lots of friends get married...and some of us are still single...and I feel like I'm ready to not feel afraid if it never happens.

But I feel the pressure. I worry that if I'm okay with it that I will really be okay, even though I would feel different from everyone else...even though for as long as I've lived, I thought it would always happen. And I think that I have promises, but the times for them I don't have.

But there are things that I want to do - like I want to travel, serve, learn more. And I don't really know how to plan all that or what God wants me to do. I want to live a life of obedience, so I have to pray and read a lot to feel like I will make decisions in wisdom.

What has brought this about? A couple of things: 1) my feeling of being called to missions and 2) a strange occurrence in Athens.

Last Friday, I stole away to Athens to visit a good friend of mine for a few hours. I told her I would visit, so I did. I went to Gilbert Hall, where the Romance Languages Department is to see if an old professor of mine was still there. At the door, I ran into another old professor of mine. I had him for an 80 person lecture (it was a class that had certain topics I DID NOT like). But the professor was likeable. I didn't think he would know my name - I emailed him a couple of times, at most. I was very vocal in that class, but I didn't think he knew my name. As we were talking, he asked me what I was doing and if I had started my masters. I told him that I had started through the college of education. He scoffed (politely), asking why I was over there (at the college of education). He said that I should be a T.A. in the Spanish Department, I would improve my Spanish, I could teach, and they would pay my tuition (definite plus), and they would pay me a stipend (which would run about $1200/mo.). Then, another professor walked up, and he introduced me to her, without hesitation, using my full name. When I had bumped into him, I know he recognized me, but he had that "I'm searching for your name" look. When he introduced me, I was shocked. But he said since I had a history with the department and that I was "known there", that I would have a good chance. I mean, this was a weird door. And it changed things up a bit, kind of like when I got a call from the high school that I teach at for an interview. And, I don't know what God is doing - the professor, he was leaving the building, and we talked for a good 30-40 minutes...and it was a strange opportunity.

What's so appealing is the opportunity to improve my Spanish. I really want to maximize it - and wished I had done so during undergraduate.

I wrote before that I thought it could be 3-5 years before I could get to the mission field. And I wonder where God wants me...

Right now, I am in a very interesting (and partially confusing) time. I like and enjoy teaching high school, but college students would be an awesome opportunity. I don't know...

In some serious prayer....

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The odious meat market...

I do not like Oprah - but there is something that she said that I had to respect her for: she admitted that she hates exercise. I think this was a healthy thing to do, and I probably have no idea how liberating saying that made her feel.

I don't know how I feel about exercise. Exercise and I, we've had a long, tumultous affair. Exercise loves me more that I love it. We haven't gone to counseling, though we should. I want to make our relationship work. But at the same time, we haven't been intimate friends/lovers for the majority of my life. And that takes getting used to.

Now, my mom and I tell different stories on how I came to be grossly (as in above the norm, not as in disgusting) overweight. And I don't really know what to think, only that I need to fix it. But generally, and I really could kick myself sometimes, I need to know "WHY?" I do something. And typically, the simple answer never suffices.

I read a great article on the Resurgence (a resource hub for Christians with articles, books, music) that dealt with "repentence first" approach - which was great, because it talked about how we need to repent first from sin, then endeavor to figure out why. Often times, those of us who obsess over the "Why did I do this?" portion can become so consumed with the "Why?" we forget to simply say "I'm sorry; this is my responsibility, and I'm sorry I sinned again" to the God of the Universe.

So, here I am, thinking, "Why?" and repenting (and not really knowing how to for something like this - you learn to repent anew, I feel, everytime you realized you've committed a different sin, or at least, I do), but still at a loss. It's tough when you have struggled with being fat/heavy/overweight for so long because, mind you, it's not like attempts haven't been made to fix it. And those failures, well, they are real, alive, they often talk, have images, and they say, "what's the point?"

Point is, I need to stay here as long as I can if I am going to be used by Jesus. I need my health. I need good habits so that when I have kids, they catch onto the good habits. I need to feel pretty - I need to feel desirable. I need to feel like I honor the Lord in ALL things. Nothing like a physical reminder of your lack of self-discipline; your feeling of "what's the point;" your feeling of "I'll never get around to it;" now that is real, in the flesh, bothersome. And when it's for a period of years, you cope, you don't fix.

Well, I'm kind of (read: really) tired of "coping." I'm ready for a change, but I wonder if it's on the heals of some giant "revelation of epic proportions" (which I have actually experienced in other times of my life). Or, if I am going to do it quietly, hypeless, quick-flip-of-the-mental-switch, over a period of months, nothing special, but when it's over, big-deal-for-me way. In any case, I think what I am looking for (and I don't think it's wrong to want this) is a feeling of "it's time." But, I'm doing this with a Bible at my side, and God loves to teach me new ways of learning, so I can't always bank on the same old way of doing things.

I guess, I will just continue to pray...and learn to love Exercise. I'm still seeking out the whys, but I should do something while I wait, no?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Mystery in missions...

I hadn't decided how I would post this, but I think I will here since I am posting things that are one my mind - and this is a big one.

We (my mom and I) went to Passion City Church tonight in Atlanta. Now, I consider myself a member of Four Points Church in Acworth, but we went tonight because:

1) I loved on the babies at church today since it was my rotation in children's ministry
2) I didn't get to hear the Word preached by Brent (which, I will download the podcast)
3) It's fun to go down to a big church sometimes and just worship and hear the word preached AGAIN where there are simply lots of people
4) Can you pass up Louie Giglio, Chris Tomlin, Shane and Shane for church on Valtentines? NO.

As we were worshipping, I really felt that thing that I feel when it's about to be a big thing that I pray and ask God for/about. Like, "Now is the time to ask" or "Yep, this is me really asking." And I know that I pray things often that are important, but I can tell the difference when there is a time of, what I can only articulate as, "transition," where God will begin the major work of preparing me for the next place he wants me. And I felt like, tonight was yet another night where I felt like the God and the Holy Spirit in me would colabor and begin the process of preparing me for the "next phase."

Now, I have been praying about this since about high school, but it wasn't until about December of last year/January of this year where I really have felt the push to start praying and seeking in this direction. And there is a sense of urgency, because I feel like I am not in a "permanent place." So enough with the vagueries.

I've felt since the beginning/middle of college that I am not called to live in the U.S. In fact, something that I dread is waking up in my mid-30s, husband, children, and house living in Suburbia, USA feeling like I didn't do what I was called to do. I could wake up in another country, do the same thing, and feel like I was exactly where I needed to be. Mainly, I feel called to live out of my comfort zone.

My comfort zone really isn't far away from me. I could go into a bar, and bam, there it is. I don't like bars, smoke, and creepy, barscene people. But really, I feel called to live in sacrifice. I feel called to give up comfort. I feel called to give up ease. I feel called to suffer in many ways. And I'm a complainer, so it's gonna be an eye-opener for me. But, I FEEL CALLED.

So tonight, I asked the Lord to send for me. I say it this way, because, when I was asking the Lord about marriage, future, the whole bit, a little over a year ago, I accidentally read the wrong passage in Genesis (I have a Bible reading schedule - don't get excited, I'm inconsistent, remember). I read Genesis 24 - about how Isaac sent his servant to the land of Canaan to get him a wife from his father's clan. About how the servant prayed that he would know, how he would know her by her service to him. About how he would take her back to a different land after making arrangements with her father. About how she was just living her life as she ought - she wasn't doing anything particularly special, just serving another person who needed some rest - she was already in the place where she would need to be for what would be next. After reading this, it stuck with me as God gently telling me He would send for me when He was ready (and when I was too). So, I thought on that again, tonight, wondering where the pivot from life here in the U.S. to life abroad would be, and I simply asked, "Please send for me."

I said it fully knowing it could be 3+ years before I am in a position to relocate, and I have peace about that. But at the same time I was asking, I already knew that the Lord would be engaging with the Holy Spirit to really shift my focus in that profound quiet. That this was the question, and I was committed to it.

This is the direction in which I am heading, and I would appreciate and covet any prayers, small, big, regular, or just once (or irregular regularity, like I pray for others myself), in this time of GREAT teaching and developing. I have a lot of maturity and discipline to be sewn in, so the work is always easier when there are many to help. And, I'll write if I find out anything more.

More than just a domestic chore...

So, I have a week off from teaching for Winter Break (thank you, Paulding), and on my list of to-dos (one aim a day - which I still need to complete one for today), I have realized some problems with the chore of cleaning:

1) I am messy; I own it, and I am trying to become not-messy, not-spotless, just tidy.
2) I need to clean WAY more often given my messy-ness.
3) I reacquaint myself with things that I HATE about me.

Okay, the first two are practical, "hey, try better" realities. The third is the clencher though - a chief reason why cleaning and organizing can be painful for me.

Amidst papers strewn all over two rooms that I occupy in mom's house (I pay rent, therefore I'm "allowed" to be a mess), the clothes on the floor, the books on every clear space (or really on every space, in every space, around every space), are unaccomplished goals. Admist the papers, documents, bills, letters, there lies my procrastination. There lies my failure to do things in a timely fashion. There lies another idea that I had that I didn't follow through on. There lies me, undisciplined, unmotivated, overwhelmed, and just trying to catch my breath because I have been just treading water. And that water is above my lips, under my nose. I should say that truly, I have already drowned. I really am dead already - some of these ideas, hopes, goals, dreams - they are in the past, so they are dead weight. It's not my death that's the problem, it's the haunting that I feel. The biggest word that comes to mind is "shame." Shame that I failed again, shame that I couldn't do it, or didn't because "I was too busy." But, I am never too busy - I get on facebook, I watch TV, I play games to pass the time away. I am NOT EVER too busy. But I am too undisciplined. And I get to confront this when I get around to cleaning.

It's no wonder why I love and hate "getting organized." On the one hand, getting my things in order and neat is therapeutic. On the other, it is a painful reminder of my inconsistency, my lack of motivation, and my just plain sadness over the failure that I have so long felt I have been and lived. I realize that part of loving Jesus is abiding by His standards. Too often, I hold my own standard for myself higher than Jesus's, and let me just say, I am not a forgiving person when it comes to my own shortcomings. And being that I don't want to confront the unforgiving part of me, because, well, that person is mean, it's just easier to remain disappointed and stay away from her.

But it doesn't work. I'm worshipping my own standard, not the forgiveness and acceptance of my weakness that Jesus preaches in the Bible. That's idolatry. That's thinking that I know better than Jesus, the SON of GOD. And I need to repent of my unforgiveness. Of my worship of my own, faulty, unreachable, unattainable standard. And when I confront that side of myself with Bible verses, with Scripture, acknowledging that I don't make it and I can't make it by myself by my own standard by my own efforts, I actually feel impowered to do better. I might cry over my feeling of "wasted time" - it's extremely painful, but that is one precious step in the way to getting better. Part of the process of learning to DO better, rather than trying to force it out of guilt by means of self-loathing. Once I accept that I just fail and it makes me sad, I feel like there is hope because God came to heal the sick, not pass time with the healthy. And grace meets me again, low on the totem pole, broken again over failure and lack of discipline, and helps me make small, homely progress - but progress nonetheless. And I feel thankful that God has taken my mind under captivity, so that my own person cannot berate my own efforts.

When all I wanted to do was clean up my room, God cleaned up my mind at the same time.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Understanding the misunderstood...

I have to remember that I am often misunderstood. I HAVE to do this because when people rub me the wrong way, I HAVE to remember that I could be misunderstanding them. But when you are confronted with the actual, factual, real, not-fake, no-flex reality of being completely misunderstood, it is very hard to seek to understand before expecting to be understood when push comes to shoved into a wall. "Bitter tears" are not just an image of eloquent writers.

I am extremely opinionated and open-minded at the same time. Some things, I am decided on: the commandments, commitments that we make to people, doing our best, and doing what is right while doing right to and for others, and surrendering to Jesus and killing sin. But methods and manners of presenting or serving on these things, etc., I know that there are many right answers. But, because I come off as opinionated, it is often assumed that I am judgmental. In fact, I am very wary of people who do not mention how they feel and who "keep the peace." The mere act of suppressing conflict and and "keeping the peace" to me is those exerting their own desire to feel the safety of no conflict or opinion that we should all just be happy on those who need to confront, discuss, and MAKE peace. There are times where I want to avoid conflict, especially if it will cost me a price I would rather not pay and endure being misunderstood. But I am finding lately like I feel like I have nothing to lose, so I should challenge.

That being said, the people who are close to me vary from being tough-skinned to extremely sensitive and unconfrontable. As much as I love the unconfrontable people, I don't want to be one of them. I want to be open to criticism - and it is not easy given that I often feel attacked. A LOT. God has given me the grace to live without screwing my life up beyond belief - and, being an overachiever, you better believe I could have mucked it up good. That's why I thank God for His mercy with me when I see the suffering that people have endured because God was not ruler in their lives. Don't misunderstand me - I have nothing to do with making good decisions. Each time I have tried to seat myself on the throne of my own vapor of a life, God has kindly, gently, and firmly shoved me off His place. And don't think I'm not trying to fight Him, often, every step of the way. When I think of myself as this weak, childish, foolish, and selfish kid who whines, it helps me to understand others, though I might be misunderstood due to my vocal nature. I have to remember that God has allowed things to humble, transform, educate, reteach, adjust, wash, rinse, and repeat me to health. I need the criticism and peace-making. I need it.

Sometimes it is hard though. Your heart aches when you realize people don't have a complete picture of your heart. You are sad when you can't reconcile the fact that the point you were desperately trying to communicate was missed or that you have trouble communicating the EXACT message, when you try to communicate it in the best way you can. You try to relate, and yet, it's still very difficult each time - you get new barriers each season of life with other humans.

My prayer is that I would continue to know what it means to "seek to understand without being understood" in its most intimate, heart-wrenching levels. It is a painful thing to experience - people can talk about it all day long, but until you are crushed by it, you just don't understand the misunderstood. Praying these hard things is what I call "good dangerous." You learn so much, but be prepared, you experience real hurt. And last I checked, this society was about avoiding all negative feelings at any cost. But that cost is one that I am not willing to pay. Give me reality over denial any day; I don't want to be numb to others. I want to seek to understand without being understood.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Sugar and spice and everything funny...

There is something truly good to be said of naivete. Normally, this would not be a statement I would make because I hate it when people are hopeful (because they don't know anything) then are horribly disappointed because they didn't know any better.

But there is A LOT to be said for naivete. I think that something said in that innocence can really humble the high-minded. Now, I am rarely the one caught in naivete - I'm just too suspicious of folks and motives and such, not because I am wise but because I have been hurt. But there are times where I wish I was - just for the sake of shaming people based on some of the things that I hear people say.

For instance, a close, awesome person to me saw the parents of her friend at a gym. Now, my close friend knows that the parents harass her friend about her weight - I have seen my buddy's friend, she is very healthy. These parents, upon seeing my buddy, did not say "hello" or "how are you?" but rather "tell ---- to come to the gym". Now, my friend, saddened by this, could manage a "sure." But she told me in the car she had wished she knew what to say. To which I said, "You should have just played dumb and said, 'why? She looks fine.' and acted innocent." She told me, "That's EXACTLY what I should have said." I think we were both hoping to shock them then hoping further they would feel shame later.

At that moment, I thought, there is SO much to be said for people who think highly and wonderfully of others to the point they are so distracted from mentioning the negative attributes they have. THERE ARE NEGATIVE THINGS about ALL of us - there are things we do wrong, say wrong, live wrong, and just plain are wrong. But what if we had people who, by God's grace (and perhaps blindness), thought the world of us, defended us blindly (without sounding or trying to be defensive), what a shame everyone would feel for their judgments and lack of Grace. Myself included. It's at these moments where I wished that I simply was sublime in all of my thoughts - just to feel that simplistic and happy reflection. But often, I'm suspecting ulterior motives, weighing the possibilities and probabilities, and running the stats of just about everything. But to stop for one day...hmmm....

But alas, often, I do try to make other laugh, at least, about shortcomings (especially mine). I'm very connective, remembering details that tie together, and so I use THAT to my advantage. But what if I just forgot things, not trying to be funny or fine-tune my thoughts, but it meant that I thought well of all, and not just some with a bit of humor?

Just some rambling...I honestly wish that I had some serious absent-mindedness, because there are those times where I want to unintentionally put folks who say rude things in their place. Blindsiding with positivity and well-meaning words is effective, especially when done without mental calculation.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Not that girl...

I am not the "tons of guy friends" girl. And that doesn't bother me. I didn't ever feel the need to have guys surrounding me, nor did I ever really want them around as friends. That's not to say I don't have them now, but I don't really talk to them regularly. In fact, when that happens, it's outside the ordinary. And I'm usually not comfortable with it.

I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, but I really think that I miss the point of talking to guys "as friends" regularly (i.e., regular phone calls, emails, etc.). I feel like I'm playing at something when I do - like there are lots of games and pretending like we are more (and I don't like these types of games and guessing). I think this partially has to do with my bad experiences with boys in early youth, but also with the maturity/responsibility gap. With young men my own age, I rarely have anything in common with them and can rarely devise a reason to talk with them (sometimes, I wish I could devise a reason ;) ). Combine the fact that being overweight often has the effect of making a person unattractive to others and sometimes drives them away, there is mutual isolation. To add to that, I rarely see guys conversing with "unattractive" girls, which leads me to believe that there is some sort of ulterior motive for the guys - some sort of gratification.

But, it doesn't really bother me to not talk to them. I see some girls with really close (way to close for my comfort) guy friends, and it seems like there is codependency without commitment. I'm NOT saying this is always the case, but as someone who has "missed the boat" on this one, I wonder OFTEN what the "payoff" is, given that we are hormonal creatures and often very self-centered and self-serving. For me, there is a fundamental difference between boys and girls and a fundamental difference between them as friends. By far, the dudes talk A LOT more about themselves than the gals do (in my case), in terms of those who I end up talking to regularly. I do have guy friends who are less "hey, this is what's up with me and my life and my dreams and who I am," but most often, they aren't people I talk to every-other-daily like my gal pals.

As a girl who desires to be married to only one man and worry about only one man's problems, fears, hopes, dreams, thoughts, and person, I feel like getting too close is a dangerous place for me to be. I don't want to feel like there is a "backup plan" nor like I am hoping for something, ANYTHING to happen. Because I feel this way, I am often wary of guys who have, on average, more girl friends than guy friends and who talk to those girls super often. I feel like this is an indication that the guy has a hard time talking to guys, relating to his own sex, and finds "comfort" in talking to women rather than men. DANGER. That word "comfort" gets a little too close to "seduced by." As I witnessed a close person to me dump one girl for another who was "just a friend" (i.e., he's dating someone else, and they talk constantly, etc.), I have come to find the number of girl friends that a guy has to be point of contention for me. And often, these girls pursue the friendships more than the guys, though the guys have sent messages that weren't quite clear.

I listen to Mark Driscoll, a pastor in Seattle with some great words for singles, and I can't agree more with his sentiment: "if you want to be married, shouldn't you live like a married person (sans spouse)?" Meaning, should you be partying? Checking out everyone and anyone? Dating tons of people? Calling everyone and pursuing multiple people (referring to men AND women)? Or should you be cultivating your character, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health in anticipation of the person God has for you? Should you be learning maturity and responsibility? Should you be serving others to learn how to be selfless in marriage?

For me, this was an indication that not having lots of guy friends who talk to me or who I talk to was really okay. Yes, I need to learn how to relate to my guy friends and love them as brothers in Christ, but there is a boundary between friend and codependent, opposite-sex, emotional-life partner. And some guys, it is true, are just wasting your time, trying to keep you in the thick of their lives as a gratification for themselves.

Now, my opinion is NOT popular. But I look at my end game: marriage. And I feel like the "LOTS OF GUY FRIENDS" model doesn't quite fit into the end game. And, I'm cool with that.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Miss Fix-It Has No Tools...

For those of you who don't know, I work in public education (government schools), and I was thinking today of how I dread my job. Of course, I could be very coarse and say that I dread it because my students have no retention abilities, or that they are "plain dumb", or that I can say things several times over and over, and they still don't remember or they ask me a question about it. I COULD say those things. But that isn't what bothers me, even though I get impatient sometimes.

What bothers me, what just gets me to the point where I am depressed is that I can't fix it. I can't make sure every kid succeeds, though I desperately want them too. I can't emphasize the frustration and the pure heartbreak that I feel when I can't get through to a student; when I can't make them feel that they matter.

Of course, we can never "make" people feel things - they feel emotions because they perceive a message that we give. But we don't always believe the things people tell us, good or bad; we don't always take them to heart, so we can't be "made" to feel. But, oh, I wish we could when someone's feeling of value and love are on the line.

When I teach, I am responsible, accountable to about 175 students, each of whom I know by name and each of whom I know how to gauge in several different ways. But each of whom I can't fix. I think I have had the plight of being "all or nothing" since birth - this do it all, be it all, perfected human that I will never achieve desires others to be the best, though I know they won't be perfect. I just want them to be better.

Many of my kids didn't have parents who really loved them and intentionally taught them good things and how to live well. And I think most of these kids just settle for less. That breaks my heart when I think there is a God who has an unimaginable plan for your life if you just heard TRUTH. I want them to feel so loved and precious that I cry sometimes when I think about my most disadvantaged kids....especially the ones who are constantly in trouble. I weep for the depravity that I witness, feeling helpless.

It's at these moments when I feel like the world most desperately needs Jesus. Where you see the difficulties, and you are one teacher in a sea of 175 teenagers who have seen divorce, neglect, hunger, and there isn't enough time to pull each one aside and tell them that you care and that you BELIEVE life can be better, regardless of situation, because of the joy God gives and the love He offers despite what a fallen world spits in their face. You feel powerless, wholly dependent, urgently in need of prayer, and insecure in your lack of knowledge of how things will pan out.

It's so easy to feel hopeless, but I have to remember what C.S. Lewis said, "If we consider the...staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak." My desire for all my students is that they would be healed of the emotional hurts that have damaged more than their hearts to the glory of God in Christ Jesus. And in thinking about it, I think that is my prayer for myself as well...

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Attention Getterrrrr...

I think I have always known that I have had a problem with attention, though it was one of those things that was kept on the down low - something that was there, but unacknowledged. Dunno how or why it started, but attention seems to be a currency for me. I mean, I want attention in general, but also from men.

I think most girls struggle with this - at least with guys that range from someone their partially interested in to full-blown obsession with. It's an ugly part of myself that I don't want to acknowledge - really, honestly, I thought I was different from other girls - that I didn't lend myself to that "neediness" (or what I thought was neediness). But I have come to find that I am just as susceptible. Just as drawn in by attention. Compelled. Weak. Ugh.

It's a drug - a drug that will draw out a girl (who is attention starved) to someone she is merely mildly interested in. It's that strong. The question is, why are we so desparate? What has created the deficiency? Or where was the oversupply in the past that we're now trying to recreate (because we might have been that vain)?

I had a situation where, and I hate to admit it, I was addicted to the attention...to the point where I feel like I was scheduling my time around it. Scratch "I feel like I was". I KNOW that I was. But I began asking myself what the draw was...was it the person? Sure, that had something to do with it...but was I addicted to the attention? Hmmm, that made me pause. It was like gravity - I just was drawn to the attention...and I don't think I wanted to dwell on that weakness.

God put an end to this in one of the most emotionally painful summers of my life. Not because things would be different - no, I could continue with taking as much attention as I needed, but by proxy of what had surrounded it, I discovered it wasn't worth the draw (based on the source and what I was emotionally attaching myself to, just by getting attention). I began resisting gravity. When you are pulled by gravity, depending on how far off the ground you are, the rate of speed gets faster - exponentially. I was blindsided by attention, up there, high off the ground, not expecting, thinking I was immune. Not a high horse...a high building with a girl who didn't know herself well. And when I fell of the cliff, I nearly did get crushed on the pavement.

But what is the fix? I haven't found it - I think worshipping God is a great start - part of the need for attention (for myself, I feel), is pure selfishness, and Christianity is the death of self. But I haven't conquered it yet - frustrating indeed. I find now that I avoid those places where I might seek attention - but will I live like this for long? I know for a fact that I still don't know how to handle it, feeling like I have been ignored by many...what happens when the situation changes? Is there a point where I give in? Scary thoughts, and I pray God makes me a fighter, satisfied by His attentions alone.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Impossible to-do lists and endless minutiae...

Recently, I have been desperately attempting to get my life "in order". I think that I have become a cliche in spite of my efforts to avoid cliches. I feel as if I have rehearsed this line of "I'm a mess" for so long. I'm rather tired of saying it or feeling like I'm living a life of "catching up". But catching up to what? Often times, I'm trying to catch up to where I think I "should be", but this often means idealistic, best-case scenarios that are, perhaps, geared to make me overwhelmed - geared to be impossible. It's been coming on lately that I need to trim the "excess" of my life and really see where I am focusing, rather than "trying to do everything."

Am I out in left field here? I've noticed that I load up my schedule - with tons of tasks - tasks that I could never do in one day, though I make a list that's impossible. It's to the point where I think I intentionally overwhelm myself. But why? I learned long ago to ask the question "why?" and then ask myself "how does this make me feel?" Okay, cliche alert, definitely, but "how does this make me feel?" in the sense of "what is the emotional payoff?"

So, why do I need to overwhelm myself? Why does the list HAVE to be IMPOSSIBLE? Why do I feel the need to intensify the inadequacy I feel by adding an impossible to-do list filled with minutiae and important things? Maybe the fact lies in that I live in a worldly culture that tells me that I should be worried about SOMETHING. I rarely worry - a rarity in my family because anxiety runs in our genes (and in our intimate family culture). I know that I escaped almost all of that worry because I aceepted Jesus Christ as my Savior at a young age. If there was one thing I didn't do as a kid, it was worry like I felt my internal gauge pushing me to do. But you can't escape it all.

I think as kids, we listen and we pay more attention (than we'd like to acknowledge) to the messages around us, despite all efforts to rebel or "be different." There are those that think they "completely rebelled", but I think we all have those things that we absorbed that run as the constants that we don't question or slow down to think about HOW we think about things. Most times, I think we just think --- we don't think about HOW we are thinking, and why we think that way...what the pay off is for thinking that way.

I think my problem is that I'm under the impression I should feel worried and pressured about SOMETHING - even if I didn't have the normal experience of serious panic, I still feel the inclination to make fake expectations and worry about them. In dwelling on this now, I'm wondering if this is how I force myself to be responsible, or take responsibility. Responsible people - they make lists, get things done, get concerned about things; they are tasked-based, never at rest...or are they? What if I began thinking differently, aiming not to overwhelm myself with a year's long to-do list for one day? Even thinking about that list now, I think, "hmmm, but I could accomplish so much more than just the two things I aim to do on my list..." the ambition kicks in, but rarely do I ever accomplish ONE thing on the infinite to-do list, much less two. Why do I have this elevated belief that I will be SOOO much more productive, especially when all prior evidence suggests that I get NOTHING done when the list is that long?

I wonder if it's because I HATE starting off small...I always want to start off BIG, like I can handle it. I want to be an expert immediately, rather than practicing to concentrate on one thing at a time, building to more slowly. Impatience seems the culpurit, and lack of consistency. It's funny that I think I should do the WHOLE list in one day - I haven't built up my task-accomplishing skills to accomplish more than one (or even one per day). Doesn't this, like with most habits and skills, require practice? I mean, I've played the piano for 18 years - I can play some of the world's finest pieces, and I love the ease with which I can now play...but I definitely didn't start that way...why is that something that I forget? That it took YEARS to play with ease? Hmmm.... just some thoughts...

'Cause all the cool kids are doing it?

True confessions:

1. I am terribly (and I mean it) inconsistent, so who knows if my blogging experiment will go anywhere.
2. I could talk to a wall, so I am going to try to keep my posts "reasonable."
3. I have no idea what the focus of this will be, perhaps journal entries, perhaps musings, perhaps poetry, perhaps thoughts. In short, I like variety. And that's probably what I will write.
4. In my own estimation, I am not radically honest, however, I think I have gotten to be honest to the point where it makes others uncomfortable or is taboo for current cultural acceptability (and, unfortunately for the uncomfortable ones, I have trouble caring about their feelings regarding this matter).
5. I'm just gonna start. I don't know how, but I am.