And then my eyes were swollen...

Before this weekend's retreat to Brasstown Valley Resort with the women of Four Points Church, I had a rocky Friday...really, it all started on Thursday.

My parents are divorced. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's the worst thing that can happen to a family short of death. My dad left and he has problems with the telephone.

Thursday was one of those days where I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED. My youngest aunt on his side was passing through town on her way to Florida with my cousins who are still just little kids. I doubt they even remember me, that's long it's been since I've seen them. Dad didn't say a word. I heard through my sister, the day of, in passing. No phone call. And I was hurt. It was one time too many that he hadn't called. But I didn't say anything.

No need to lament not saying something, because, well, while I was taking a shower, my mom couldn't sleep, upset that my sister and I hadn't been called (and that Dad didn't show up to the concert that my sister was performing in that night). So she wrote to him. And included my Facebook note post about "It's your dad..." and emailed him. She decided to tell me this before I went to work on Friday. That didn't start the day off well for me. I was scheduled to leave at 12pm so that I could leave early with the party heading to the retreat at 1:30 (I didn't want to leave at 6), and I had a lot to do at school before leaving. I was already upset - I hadn't seen my aunt, my dad didn't even shoot an email, and I felt like I did all over again when I was caught in the middle before. I felt like she dragged me into it. And gotta love all of the excuses like "it's on Facebook, so it's public domain" - which isn't true, and just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Of course, she defends herself - there's no thought to how this affects me, simply how she PERCEIVES it affects me.

She forwards me Dad's response to her as well as her reply to him, all proud of herself for the way that she responded to his response. I don't take well to people giving themselves lots of credit if they first affirm their own work and then expect the same reaction from me (getting upset if I disagree, however valid my reasons). My dad did email me and apologized profusely for having not called. It just caused all those unresolved painful emotions to well up in me again - the same rotten feelings from the divorce - the broken heart, the beside-myself, why-can't-it-be-fixed, this-pain-will-never-subside feelings. I thought I would cry, but I had students in the classroom. Dad came to school, minutes after I had read the email. I was talking to my students, and our office secretary paged me and told me to "read my email". She said that my dad was in the office to see me, and would I like to send a student to get him. I had had enough emotions for the day and now this. I was thankful, not anxious. He came to apologize in person, say he was sorry, offer his explanations. And I know my dad because we are very similar - sometimes we let the busy keep us from doing what should be priority on the list.

This is not a legacy that I want to leave. I want one to be one. I don't want something that has nothing to do with bettering relationships with God or people to top my list. And while I forgive my dad, something about Thursday left lasting damage. It seemed to cause all of the very deep, underlying I-haven't-really-dealt-DEALT-with-this-in-a-while-stuff to flare up. And I went to the retreat with a tired, saddened heart.

Feelings about my family, when they concern my father, ignite so much more than just thoughts about the pain. Part of the sorrow is my desperation for my dad's salvation, and the other pressing matter on my heart, the salvation of my grandparents. I have been in a battle with hopelessness about them for a long time - I have wept, praying in the Spirit so hard that my body has shaken with the effort, where I have simply sobbed my heart out without words - literally, just the groaning of my heart for them. And I am at a loss at what even the Father could say through me or what I could be empowered by Him to do on their behalf. And still, I cry. The desire in my heart is so strong, but I wonder seriously if sometimes I pray in vain. And that is a sad thought indeed. I remind myself of the scriptures where Jesus says that if we ask in the Father's will...and He is willing that none should perish, right? All of these burdens plus one (which I will share about in a later post), were pressing on my heart. I cried basically the entire weekend. I used to be so ashamed. And part of me still feels that way, but I figured I'd not really ever be in a safer place than there if I needed to cry in front of people. The hard part was keeping that crying reasonable, because I felt like I could have made a spectacle of myself.

Needless to say, something is going on - I feel hounded by something, and my current reaction to it is breaking into tears, though I can't even articulate it. Whatever the situation with my parents and a trying, emotional weekend brought on, it hasn't left. And my emotions seem to still be tender to the touch. My only real bet is prayer.

The Precipice of the Holy Spirit's Reality: The Death of Personal Perspective

Wow, some title. Don't get your hopes up. I'm no John Piper (I love him, you should listen to him, sit at his feet like a student of a rabbi, he's just that good http://www.desiringgod.org/), but I wanted to put this into, well, perspective.

Saturday, I'm battling; overwhelmed; trying to figure out how to medicate my messed-up-ness. I love the Church and I love church. I go to a great church in Acworth, GA (of all places) called http://www.fourpointschurch.tv/ - check it out. God's Presence is there (and I don't EVER say that lightly - I HATE "charismania" and over-emotionalized Christianity that doesn't ground itself in truth, but rather SOLELY in emotion).

I'm ready for church - overwhelmed, spent, done, ready. The Spirit in my heart gets there, and it's like the greatest sigh of relief (that each week of my life has ever known) is breathed in that place. And I am clear. I sit there, we sing, praise, listen, spend time with one another, and God, in His mercy, floods more of my mind than "me" does. God is so big - and when God is so big in your mind, in your own mind you are small. And everything seems simple, easy, and clear. I love that mercy. And I thought, SOMETHING must change. I'm not living life the way that I'm called to - constantly battling MYSELF and my SIN in the SAME THINGS. I got more sin to deal with than just the same junk - I've got to get rid of the small junk because I can't see the big junk - it's the forest I can't see for the trees. I thought, man, this is so OLD... and STILL? And it was as if God was speaking into my heart, "Time to move on. What is your choice? I want the answer NOW. Are you going to continue to silently whine to yourself about the work load, or are you going to suck it up and focus; this tiny little cross, where you deny yourself these tiny little things, are you going to take it up? There is greater discipline on the horizon..." and I thought of the stuff of Hebrews 11 and 12. Those Hebrews, they weren't sinning, they were called to resist sin - called to a higher standard of discipline. If I can't handle suburban, single life, what on earth am I asking more for? That sense of "deal or no deal" was very strong. It was like the words "GROW UP" were written on the wall, and I was Nebuchadnezzar complaining about made-up tasks and a made-up standard of perfection.

A key part of the story happened Saturday during the afternoon. I was reunited with an old co-worker who had been married within the last 6 months. Now, don't misunderstand my post about being single - I want to be married, I want kids, but there is so much more of the God-story that I God to do in that life. So, I ask people about their new marriage to learn (and because I think it is a HUGE decision). And she told me and life is good, etc. But I thought, "where's this going?" And it was God; He was there again - a Holy dissatisfaction - I can't just do the suburbs. I need to have an END GAME and a DIRECTIVE - a place, a passion, A RESPONSIBILITY for something that God has called me to. And I knew, when I heard her telling me (she works for a ministry), I thought "not enough - I'm called to something different, some different song, some different life." And I knew it was truth. Just not what I am built for. What a weird thing, but it was CRYSTAL clear. I think now is the time, finally, to ask where I am going - what the end game is. I feel like God shows me the windows of time in which I'm to ask Him direct questions. He brings me to that point where I know the question that I need to ask - even that is a process.

It reminds me of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - they ask "what is the meaning of life?" they create all of these ridiculous computers to answer the question; and the answer? "42." And confusion and anger and frustration and murderous thoughts overcome them. Talking to the computer, they realize they have asked the wrong question - they don't know what question to ask, and the process of developing more computers to figure out the question is the next ridiculous task. I can't just ask, I have to know that question, why I'm asking it, realized what the implications are of asking it, and accept those implications. And all of this is by the power of the Holy Spirit. I am not this pious. Shoot, I'm not this organized. It never EVER ceases to amaze me how the Holy Spirit is so NEAT, as in TIDY. It's never messy. I always get there, no matter how embattled the beginning stages of "big questions" are for my tiny brain. God is ALWAYS good; and He ALWAYS gives me clear answers. What an awesome God we have. He is more than deserving of our worship. So, here I stand, choice made - dying to my "perception" - which is half truth, half falsehood (which makes it ALL falsehood), and I am feeling pretty great about it all. I feel healthier in dying to it, which seems so contra to what we think dying to ourselves is. That is a mercy and a grace, isn't it?

Battling the LIST...

Why do I care so much? What would having everything done mean to me?

This is this week's "question to myself." If people saw the inside of my head, they would see that I don't often get answers to those questions quickly. I was thinking today about that to-do list. Though I am getting better by only requiring a severely limited tasks from myself, the problem is that my brain is still searching for overload. I keep my externalities low on the drama side (people, situations, I don't like rocking the boat if I'm worried about who I'm talking to), but my mind is zoom-zooming. It's starting to drive me nuts.

Do you ever do that? Drive yourself nuts? I feel like I'm living with two people - one who wants to complain, another who has had enough. Frustrating indeed. Perfectionism and defeatism. One leads to the other. The question is, if I think this way, what is the payoff? What is driving this (and man, it's the gears that turn much of my world). What would it mean to give it up? What would it mean to leave that stuff in the dust? Do I think that I am somehow getting work done simply by intending to do it? That idea disgusts me, but there is no denial to the ring of truth that I feel that's there. I feel guilty about not doing - does the mere intention of doing it fulfill my need to accomplish? Even when I don't? It's enough to keep me from confronting the sin of not doing it. Yep, that intention is enough to satisfy me from confronting my lack of productivity. In being radically honest with myself, this has been one of the hardest but most liberating things to deal with. When I look at that stack of work, it's been my chore (on and off) to really ask myself "will I really touch this when I get home?" I asked the question in college, but I didn't attack the root of why I needed to. It was merely that the thought occurred to me "how many times have I lugged all these bags (and really stressed my shoulders with all this nonsense), and never touched all that work? How many times have I actually LIED to myself thinking I would get it done?"

Lying to myself, that's what I'm doing. If I were just honest with myself, would I buckle down during the times where I know I would get it done? Well, I'm experimenting with just that. So far, that seems to be the case. When my yes is yes and my no is no to myself, I am tending to honor that. The honesty is making me realize that I really need to structure focus time and leisure time (structed leisure? is this real? YES). If I garuantee myself that time, I will do what I need to do when I am working. The adjustment is a complete departure from the guilt-laden, attempt at motivation I am used to. It's good because I really am throwing perfection out the window and simply living life the best way I know how, praying that the Holy Spirit will enable me to more. It's okay to start small. I don't have to excel immediately (another departure). Despite the "big" departures from my way of thinking about productivity and getting stuff done, despite the small start, small modifications, and small progress, I am so glad to be learning something. I can already feel the effects of being healthier in more ways than one. And that is a blessing indeed. Whoever thought that dealing with sin head-on is such a huge blessing? :)

A Weapon of Mass Destruction...

Seeker missles....I had a breakthrough driving back from a friend's house. I was trying to figure out this attention thing, this problem that I was having with my brain, my head, my heart. Something just wasn't right with even receiving attention in any of my past situations... and I couldn't figure out why I always felt like there was something wrong...though I had done nothing wrong...

And God reminded me of something - it's not what you do, it REALLY is your heart. This was never more real to me than in the silent-aside moment with God. Okay, see, I have "heard" this and "understood" this. So often, I feel though, that God really has to write truths on our hearts - to where you have this powerful feeling of truth, and it cuts through the fog.

BAM! Moment - I was seeking. No, I hadn't sought attention flagrantly; I wasn't crazy, over-the-top madness. I was very careful about my action... what I wasn't careful about was what was going on in my head.

I am primarily very internalized in the way that I deal with pain, etc. This blog experiment, here, this is only a portion of the whole. Yeah, it's all real, but it's not EVERYTHING. Can you imagine that? Millions more things run through my mind, claim my thoughts, run away, and much of it is what I call "subtext" - things I'm thinking and not really paying attention to, but they feed the "whole picture" thought I get - these "background programs" frame my thought(s) on any one thing. The problem is when they are grossly wrong. So, I have to slow down and and look at the subtext, the thought behind the thought, the programs keeping my brain on schedule and firing, and figure out what's creating the problem.

This is how I deal with a lot of emotional problems - I try to find the root cause. I try, and I fail, and then God really steps in, points, and it's like a surge that kills the electric fence in my heart that keeps me from getting better emotionally. That was what God did while I was driving.

Being that I'm internalized, a lot of my sin is. That's the problem - some people can't see it (until you really get to know me), so I might come off a lot better than I am, when really, my brain is a mess. I realized that for me, cleaning up my wild, inner emotions was part of the repentance - not so much external actions. Let me tell you, the battlefield of the mind is bloody. And what I realized about my desires for attention (from all people), was that, internally, I was seeking while fighting the external manifestations of it.

Holy Big-Words Batman, what does this mean?? It means I thought I was "fine", "humming along", "living it out" because I didn't "do" anything wrong. But I "thought" things strongly enough. So, in wondering why I didn't "feel good" even though I had "done good", I was asking God to help me get through the wash of crazy emotional unease.

And man, conviction settled on me as if God sat with me looked at in the eyes with the face of "Oh, really? Nothing?" Then the flood of personal revelation came over me. Just because I hadn't sought attention outwardly didn't mean that I hadn't willed my thoughts that way. It didn't mean that I hadn't sought it in my heart of hearts, regardless of my actions. My heart was all wrapped up in this, that, or the other - I simply didn't deal with the shame of really acting out. I was guilty, all the same. Wow, intense stuff. It really was about the heart - not even the actions.

So, what's the lesson here? I feel freed so much in some ways because just in knowing what I was doing oh so wrong, I was able to be at peace and stop the aneurysm in my brain caused by the seeking, seeking, seeking. The lesson though is this - I managed something dangerous - something only a skilled Christian and sinner can do - I managed to curb my actions by internalizing my feelings (as a way to get away from shame), but still seek for personal gain within my heart. And I had thought I was just fine - innocent. This is so deeply imbedded for me, I wish I could convey the depth of what this means. The reality is, we really need to check our hearts - the only indication that I had that something was wrong was a "feeling", an "emotion" - I didn't really have blatant actions to look back at. If you feel like something is wrong, check it out - because if you are obedient to God, I truly believe that even though there might be pain, you know that "peace" of "this is right." Don't neglect your signals of "this is wrong" even though they might be small - they could be your saving grace. Else, your own heart could be your undoing - and it is a powerful, powerful weapon indeed.

Once, I wasn't sad...

I talked to my mom about trying to figure out what caused me to lose touch with people...how it got this bad...

In the quiet moments with the Lord, I was praying, desperate to remember, desperate to heal...what came out were more emotions and tears, but realizations nonetheless. My brother and sister were both sensitive...people never thought I was - I didn't cry...I choked tears back till my throat hurt with the exertion...do you know what I mean? This gave people, even my mom, the impression that I was a tough cookie...but I learned I didn't want to cry in front of people. There was a shame associated with that. I didn't want to be made fun of again - once for one thing, then being mocked for the resulting tears. So I held back.

A good friend recommended a personality book to me, which has you use the adjectives that best describe you to tell what type of personality you have. There are four - each associated with a color. This is not unlike the colors personality test, but this is different. I did my self-perception, then my friends', then my mom's. My mom's and mine came out similar. According to my friends, I was normal, along the lines of happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, but dominant, driven, and directed. This is far from how I ever feel on the inside. I guess I compensate?

According to my mom and I, I encountered a problem... I was on a diagonal. When you are on diagonal with personality elements, it's out of the norm because the relationships between types are usually vertical or horizontal in relation to a secondary personality type. Diagonals are rare in that they usually occur because of a past trauma, and the resultant diagonal line means that there is masking. Masking means that you put on a personality that really isn't the one that you naturally fall to in order to deal. It's a coping mechanism - a survival tactic when someone imposes their type on you or when something has happened to you.

I began thinking about this, and it simply occurred to me: as a kid, in early childhood, I was rarely sad. I loved life, I had joy, and I didn't think there were things wrong with me besides the fact that I was a sinner and needed Jesus. In short, I felt human and okay. I think the rejection in school, after a big move to Georgia when I was six, made me a sad person. I wasn't ever sad...and I didn't feel shame...but something happened. And I became very internal...not sharing. This blog is a huge departure from where I was years ago. I feel like I am regaining my personality. For so long, I had no identity - it had been stolen, or I lost it, or I was ashamed. I had no real goals, just to do well. I am thankful for Christ Jesus. Without Him, I know I would feel worthless because I often feel tempted to feel that I am even with Him. I feel like whoever I was before all that sadness is trying to get out. That girl is trying to conquer the sadness.

I have come to appreciate time alone... on so many tests, I come out as an introvert, but I wonder if I am a closet extrovert who has to learn how to interact with people again because I shut off my natural friendliness after all that grief... I find that I want to be around people all the time...or maybe I just find those people that I can "be introverted" in the presence of... in either case my desire is for that precious emotional healing... but greater is my desire for God's glory. Whatever His will is, of all things I can take comfort in, it's that His will would be done.

Difficulty relationing...

Okay, I know that "relationing" is not a word. But I have made it up to kind of describe something that was brought to my attention in the last week.

I had a dream. A weird dream. The emotions weren't necessarily bad, but it did make me think about what I'm having trouble with on a personal level. Things that the dream made me realize:

1) I should NEVER EVER eat a lot of red onion after 5:00pm. It makes me have weird dreams - and I new this before hitting up the Ruby Tuesdays with a teacher friend, but I didn't quite put stock in it until repeated "trials".

2) I really have "intimacy with people" issues.

What does number 2 even mean? Well, in a nutshell, I find it hard to make friends or feel really connected to them. Even the ones that I have had for a while, I know that I can detach from - I would survive, feel some pain, but be okay. I find this to be an indication that there is some fundamental problem with the way that I build relationships and relate to people.

Why? Well, I have asked that question - still searching for "the answer", which I believe is out there. But here are some thoughts that ran through my head:

1) I experience untold, repeated rejection when I was a kid - think elementary school/middle school, even by people who are close friends now. I was blown off, left out, no explanation, mocked, bullied, hardly ever invited (I invited EVERYONE in class to my party, didn't want them to be left out), hardly called. I was, well, alone (and lonely). This is no "poor me" thing based on 3 traumatic experiences. No, this was real, time after time, person after person. I don't have friends from elementary school. I've been here for 18 years. That bugs me.

2) There is pain that I have not dealt with/ don't know how to deal with. Just hold that "you should forgive" thought - I have, but the residual pain is still there, begging to be identified, mourned, and healed. I think this causes number 3.

3) I think that because the pain of the 1 and the inability to clearly remember/identify the 2, I think I punish others (and consequently myself) by not really "risking" myself in relationships. I think I have actually forgotten how to because my coping/survival/self-preservation kicked in as a kid. Like, I learned that it really hurt, and I shut the friendship factory down. If I weren't writing this in a public place, I could definitely produce some tears. I can feel that pain welling up.

Does this mean I don't have friends? Nope. Some are strong enough to hang on long enough to get through all the marshlands. These are people that are life-long friends. But I still feel disconnected even then. Like I'm still preserved - but preserved like a body is embalmed, not preserved like intact, living, healthy. I love these people. But I still feel some sort of deficiency. Maybe I'm over sensitive, over thinking it, but I don't think it would be this painful.

It hurts not being able to make friends fast, but want to so badly. Really. Tears-type painful. What's worse? I can speak well in front of large groups, but when it comes to articulating my emotions, terrible. Wanting to engage with people? Say that you want to get together sometime? How to know when the right time to start the "let's hang out" phase is? I've lost all of this. I'm at a loss. And I'm desparate to fix it. I wasn't awkward as a kid with these things - it was natural. Now? Oh, well, just a mess.

In either case, my answer is prayer. As usual. It has never failed. I have confidence that it never will. But the process is always grueling. I'm surprised that my eyes haven't swollen shut over the past 5 years, when God opened the flood gates. I didn't EVER cry that much. Let me just stay, if you were a stuffer of your feelings, they don't go away when you "get better" - they come rushing out. I'm continuing to make up for every time I didn't cry, haha. Glad I'm starting at 24, and not 48.