Friday, August 20, 2010

Getting rid of the idolatry in the pantry....

This post is not easy to write, specifically because I feel like what I'm going to relate is so fleshly and selfish that a great amount of shame can be and often is associated with it for me.

First, the details: My mother has a friend who is a "health coach." Do I still hate this term? Yes. Do I feel like it is cliché? Yes. Was I resistant to hearing what she had to say? Absolutely. For a long time, I feel like my mom has been trying to "fix" me. As a kid, I was not into clothes (loved dress-up pretend stuff, though). And as I gained weight later in elementary school, these two problems became a crusade for my mom. So I was highly resistant, as usual, preferring to be left alone. But I agreed to go see the coach.

So I met with the friend, and my mom came along with, desirous to get on the program (again) herself. I was concerned that this was going to be more of a sales meeting than really about bettering my health, since I knew that it had to do with a meal-plan that one orders. But again, I would at least listen. And I found a few things compelling:

1. I would eventually be able to come off of the plan, after having reached my goal weight and gone through a maintenance phase.
2. It's a medically endorsed plan that is used for many people, not just "normal" overweight people (though I think I'm in the minority for being obese with very healthy vitals as of now).
3. My mom's friend is a Christian and she and her family use the meals themselves as a part of their regular diet.
4. The goals that I set are not limited to weight, but also include getting better and quality sleep and incorporating more exercise and activity into life.
5. There are a textbook and a workbook that accompany the program to add support to the program and help the participant understand the whole picture of the program.

As I was listening to this very nice lady, who was more sincere than sales-person-y, I knew that if I decided to commit myself, my body and my checkbook, to the program, that I was going to stick with it. I was not going to let this be another "I'll try it..." I wanted a "yes" or a "no" from myself because I knew and still know that all too often I make sure that the decisions I make can be easily reversed so that I can get out if things get tough. By committing, I acknowledged that if I decided to stop the program prematurely, I'd be a quitter. And I HATE that feeling and thought. It would mean that there would be a confirmed failure and I would have to acknowledge that I wanted out because it got tough. By not letting myself have an out, I knew that I could be very much compelled by my hatred of failure. My mom even suggested that I could "try it for a month..." but I said that I was either all in or not at all. I told the coach that I was going to pray about it. She said that was a good idea.

The powerful motivator: My mom has talked about losing her weight since I can remember - I think age 6 or 7 was when I started making note of it. Almost 20 years later, she's still singing the same tune. And man, am I tired of hearing it! It's like hearing someone tell you their childhood dream over and over again, and doing nothing to pursue it. Pie in the sky hopes only because there aren't any plans to make it happen. For the past six months or so, I've been praying into a thought that I've had concerning my weight. I knew that I did not want to be someone who talked and talked and talked and talked and talked for years and years and years and you get the idea about losing weight, but never making ANY progress. So, my one thought, my one decision, was that either, I was going to make the decision to change, and hold to it, or I was going to be determined to live satisfied as I was with myself at the present stage. I hadn't made a decision either way, considering the options, and seriously doing so, because, yeah, it's hard to lose weight, and yeah, the path to least resistance was doing nothing. I didn't really have a particular motivation to change, considering that I enjoy food more than none.

The change: I went into the dermatologist because my hair is thinning, and she said that we should have some blood tests done because she believed there to be a possibility of high testosterone causing it. A major lab error gave rise to two more appointments and two more rounds of blood work at two different doctor's offices. In researching possible causes of high testosterone, most illnesses included obesity as a cause or a symptom. I remember praying on my way to the next office that I knew that I needed to change, regardless of the results, if even the possibility that something that I could control was causing me to be seriously ill. The results came back all normal, even excellent, but I knew the scare had sered my conscience enough to tell me that I needed to do something. And so I committed to the Lord, made a vow, in the biblical sense (mind you, I had just finished the book of Numbers where the rules for vows are given), that I would do something, regardless of the outcome of the blood work. Though everything was normal, I had already known that that didn't matter - I said what I was going to do, and I was going to do it.

The current process: Here's where it gets fleshly beyond fleshly. The first day was great. But I was back to the classroom on Monday, and after my part-time work was finished, I had to remember that I wouldn't make a quick stop at the Chick-fil-A close to the school. I was hungry because that was my usual routine, but I was on this plan and remembered that I had one of the meal bars with me. And that was the beginning of the hard part. During the past two weeks I have had excellent days and I have had days where I've missed potatoes. I told my mom that I don't enjoy food anymore (insert image of a depressed face here), and for a couple of days, I was down, feeling restricted and bummed that I couldn't eat out or enjoy the things I normally do. But during these days, I was alarmed at how dependent I felt on food to give me enjoyment in life. Driving home from Target this evening, I had to admit the painful truth to myself that had been grating on my mind: really, above almost if not every thing, food was the only thing in life that I was drawing true satisfaction from. I would find some satisfaction here or there, mentally, and spiritually, but nothing was so powerful as the physical reaction to physical satisfaction. I cannot avoid calling this power idolatry, for the simple fact that if I find more satisfaction in what God has provided than wholly in Himself and I'm not doing even the basic things to His glory, I am in fact, worshiping something else that provides me a specific emotional response. Though I hadn't really admitted my dependence on food for satisfaction in more than my hunger or simple enjoyment, my prayer had been two weeks ago and continued this week to be that I would find my satisfaction as real in Christ as the food I physically consumed gave my body. How this even works, I've only read about in the Bible, but I know it must be a work of the Holy Spirit. I'm rather excited at the prospect of getting to know God in this way, because I do feel like it is killing a subtle but all-to-real and powerful idol in my life. I approach these next few months with great hope of what I will learn, and I hope that God uses it to His glory. And His glory is one thing that I do want to taste while leaving behind all the others!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bam! And just like that...

...I went from no options to two. I wonder what the Lord means by taking summers to do things in me. I feel like I lived this summer more in peace than last. Emotionally, I was all over the place last summer. This summer, though I have cried, prayed, and wrestled, I've been more peaceful. I've been calmer.

This past week, I made some difficult decisions. It is NOT in my nature to rush decisions. If anything, I take as much time as possible, gathering "research," thinking, asking advice, praying, and reading the word. I had in my hand two options. And I'm still reeling from the choice I made. I'm still not sure, and peace was no where to be found, whether with one job or the other.

Factors: One job had benefits after 90 days, full-time pay, and was dealing with products that I'm interested in. The other, no benefits, part-time, and in a field that I struggled with the year before. And I still have misgivings for going with "the other." But I know that at least, I trust the Lord to make my paths straight if I acknowledge Him in my ways. My heart aches though.

What makes the situations particularly difficult? My lack of excitement. I am not enthused. I am demure. And I am, to be truthful, a mixture of thankful and depressed. I feel more lost than ever. The comforting thought that I had this summer was that if I was certified, I could teach abroad, at least, if I ever get into the mission field abroad. And in this way, I could remind myself that I would be serving the Lord in continuing my education. LOANS are a mighty issue too - something I didn't want or need more of. Even thinking about it now saddens me.

The worst part of everything, past the prospect of debt, is the thought that I might have made the wrong decision. But it helps that I have a wonderful church home and a place to live. I wish things were more "perfect" - that I was more "perfect," but I am learning contentment in all things, and what better place and time to learn that than when you sit in the least optimal situation.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Fear of change...

I haven't written in forever, but I do want to be regular. Things have been busy, and I've just finished a summer semester at UGA and one class at West Georgia.

Conclusions: I'm leaving West Georgia forever, and never going back. Reason: Professor wrote in my paper "maybe you're in the wrong profession." Pretty sure that's not how you talk to students. Even I know that.

Regarding UGA: I sat down with my adviser, and while tempted to remain in the program for the two years of full-time schooling it would take to complete the program, my heart is simply not in it.

What is so hard about the coming decision to leave the program and UGA and my masters all together is that I'm not a quitter. But, in asking myself about my level of satisfaction with what I am doing right now, I cannot in good faith, do that to myself. I LOVE tutoring and I enjoy teaching, but I HATE being a government employee. And I just don't think it's my passion. I don't want to dread my work all the time. I want to love it. And not just here and there. So, as I have continued to pray, I have thought long and hard about options. And while I could move, right now, I don't know if that's what God has for me. So, my options? I think I will continue with schooling, only I'll go back for IT professional training. I love computers and technology - anyone who is close to me knows that I am a certified nerd. Unfortunately, that certification isn't enough to be hired. But in thinking about this option, a whole new crop of fears has grown. What if I can't find a job? Can I really just quit something that I have actually taken coursework towards?

Part of the reason for the problem with quitting has more to do with not wanting to admit failure. I know that I don't want to admit that I'm not a good teacher (at least in my eyes). I'm a good friend to those kids; I'm a good sister; I'm a good listener; I'm a great talker; but I'm just overwhelmed by the "broken" that I see needs fixing. I considered counseling - again, more money, more studying. And in praying, that seemed like an option, but moving to where the program is was going to be a problem, and staying here meant a program that most likely involves theology I don't agree with. So, here I am.

It's amazing what the year has been since last August. I was electrified with a new job, new prospects, in over my head, but full in my heart. And I'm back to before where I'd been. Jobless. But God, great in His mercies, has helped me stay less emotionally charged. I've been calmer, quieter, more pensive. I feel like I've mellowed. I still laugh and I'm still boisterous, but much more settled. I find great comfort in the sovereignty of God - that He is on His throne and that nothing is a surprise to Him. I feel safer in His hands.

I'm rarely rash (with the exception of some impulse purchasing from time to time). And so prayer has been a balm this season, though it's been one of the hardest prayer seasons yet. I've asked God the same questions but then other times I've just sat in silence, speaking to Him, "You know, so I've just come here to sit in Your presence." My time in this season has been very hard in different ways from last summer; I've realized my incessant dissatisfaction with life, how it fuels my temper at home so often. I've realized that much of my perpetual sadness is at the lack of perfection in my life - the way things have gone, where I went to school, what happened in my family, being obese. The culmination of so many "things gone wrong" can send any perfectionist from the "I do it all, and it's till not enough" extreme to the "I do nothing at all because I know it's never enough." Really, all I want to do is rid the whole spectrum with the extremes. Sometimes you ride the tension because the extremes are bad. But in this case, all of it, from the balance of the center to the extremes serves nothing for me at all, except the pain of failure. I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to quit while I'm ahead. I'm ready to be honest about not liking something I thought I'd love, and I'm okay with moving on. Teaching wasn't the plan in college, but you think about "what else" you could do, and suddenly, it's only two options or one. I want to go back to the moments where I wasn't drawn to it and I knew it wasn't where I was planning on heading. I want the girl who wanted to travel back. I want the girl who wanted to take pictures and make little films back. I want the computer person back, the one who fiddled with software and hardware all the time. And I think that's where I'm headed. I'd love to be in full-time ministry in the future, but for now, this seems a favorable option. Thanks for your prayers.