...not in the "I've seen God face to face" way. I'm him in the doubtful way. Depression has seeped into so much of my life over the past three months that I feel constantly down, unmotivated, and hopeless.
Like many who suffer with feeling depressed, I feel the "what use am I?" feelings. Feeling like I can do no good to God's kingdom, just feeling like it was an "Okay, sure, you can become a Christian - but you won't really plan a particular part in any of the major things going on." But I had to remember on Sunday that it matters not what mankind thinks when I serve and work, but it does matter to God - and He is the only one whose opinion counts everyday. But I still was (and am) having trouble shaking the feeling. There are glimmers of hope, though.
Tonight at BSF, something dawned on me that I hadn't thought about before. Typically, when the fractured puzzle pieces of seasons in my life are far apart, God is the one who makes them all fit together to make sense. The leader said something that struct me, but the rabbit trail it led me down was an eye-opener. She spoke of what a believer's witness was. And I immediately thought that I my witness, based on what it's related to in terms of being submitted to Christ, impacted by the Gospel, was not good lately. I've been acting brazen, just handling life as it came at me. But it reminded me of Moses. So caught up in my doubt of my influence and abilities to do any good, I have not been doing the ONE THING that we believers must do - share the Gospel with others.
From here, I asked what's become an obvious question for me to ask myself, "Why am I not doing this and what do I think is causing me to feel like I'm powerless to share and make a difference?" And I thought, "What do I believe?" As I've reflected on this for this particular post, this question morphed into, "What have I accepted about myself that's weakening my witness?" And I knew because it was obvious. I'll relate some background before I go into what I learned about myself.
There are times when lies hurt you and you want to rid yourself of the pain. But more sinister is the lie that you feel like is legitimate, based on past experience and circumstances, you accept it, and it doesn't SEEM to bother you. I've experienced freedom from the lies before, but tonight I saw the accepted lie that I've just learned to deal with as a sort of social role. Some people know of my history with rejection - it's been extensive. Still growing, this history of mine, but perhaps not because of others. I was rejected, rejected again, then rejected some more. I have this theory that we make "if....then...therefore" statements for ourselves based on one thing, and we broaden the rule to other areas of life - this is what I had done because it helps me organize logical patterns of action. Then sin nature poisons that gift and I have to defeat thoughts that are wrong. If I were to sum up my thoughts on who I am in my life and in the culture where I work and live, it is "If I am rejected a lot, then I must not be a person who people want to be around or ever listen to, therefore I won't bother sharing since no one will hear me out anyway." I would have lived in this just fine, if not for one thing - I think, and I'm pretty sure, that I'm an extrovert. I ALWAYS want to hang out with people - I will ditch anything I think I NEED to do in order to hang out with someone, usually anyone, just to spend time with them and feel good. I like the spontaneity, and until recently, would feel so much guilt over ditching the "should-dos" thinking there was something wrong with me. But truthfully, I hadn't been embracing who I'm really wired to be because I was so consumed with trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be. Anyway, back to my point - any one of my friends would tell you that I HATE being pigeonholed by culture and worldliness - being told who I should be by people who are not God and do not own me. But in tonight's message - I realized that I had done just that and ACCEPTED IT, and was working with it, like negotiations with the devil - as if, "Okay, so I'll deal with this and just be content with being different! And I knew that by accepting this and feeling like, hey, it's okay, I'm just not one of those persuasive, "adored" people who others want to follow that my witness was being crippled; I was thinking that I'm just "not an evangelist" because I was convinced that my role in this life was not to be someone who could encourage people to Christ. But the spiritual command to share the Gospel was impeded by a worldly pigeonhole! That just isn't supposed to be so! I felt convicted then - I needed to repent for saying okay to the world and giving up because I had felt some pains. I needed to repent for taking it easy by saying "I'm no one, so I won't bother." For making it easy on my emotions to not risk and risk and risk again.
In that moment, it occurred to me that I really need to be praying for opportunities to share the Gospel because I am not a tool of the culture around me. God's Gospel is God's Gospel, and I am no better (and no worse) than anyone else to share it. And, it's possible that my acceptance of this role has impeded building relationships with others. Who wants to be around someone who feels so worthless? Who feels powerless? Who feels bent out of shape? But who needs people? When you combine these toxic ingredients, no doubt, you come off as needy - which many people who suffer depression come off as.
What am I trying to say? Well, that I, much as I love Jesus, have been neglecting the GREAT COMISSION - thinking I was not "gifted" for it or some-such because of some bad past experiences. Make no doubt about it, they were real experiences, enough to sear anyone's heart and soul. But I had allowed the experiences and people determine my ability, not my Lord and Savior who breathed life into my body, saved my soul from damnation, preserved me in Christianity from a small child, Who upholds the universe by the word of His power. And I feel foolish for having OK-ed society and the world, with all their ills and lack of discernment and understanding, to determine who I would be under the Lordship of Christ. It's time to start sharing the Gospel, praying for opportunities, and scaring the wits out of myself by putting it all on the line.
Much more optimistic today than in a while...
