However, God always surprises me, and rather than teaching me the same way, often does something new. This time, while unremarkable to most, I did, finally, have a breakthrough last night, though I still felt depression rise with me in the morning.
Last night, the pressures overwhelmed me. I had procrastinated on certain things again, but this time, the true nature of that pressure wasn't as crushing as what I had experienced this last spring. The emotions had been, though. God had really prepared my heart by both the sermon my pastor preached yesterday morning (and also, something about the worship on Sunday was very profound and necessary to me) and a message I heard the night before on end times that was simply pertinent to the need to repent presently as Christians. Rather than downcast, as some might perceive a message to be, I found it very hopeful and encouraging toward repentance. It's amazing how people sharing through the power of the Holy Spirit and grounded in God's Word (really, how can the two be separated) can encourage someone feeling so discouraged. My emotions ebbed after a while, as will happen when sermons close, but I needed to really pursue these feelings this time. I really needed to share with God that I needed a breakthrough and that He was the only One who could do it.
I began crying in the shower, then I journaled, but I needed to cry loudly. I didn't want to disturb my mom or sister and I didn't want to be disturbed, so I got in my car and left. I went to the nearby library parking lot, which is where I camp out sometimes to pray intensely in my car. I guess you could say that is my prayer closet. I need extreme privacy when I pray intensely like that. I feel vulnerable because, so often, I don't control my emotions and what I pray to the Lord is so personal, I feel like He is the only One who uniquely understands me. I don't mean to discount the body, but there is so much power in focused time with the Lord alone.
Aside: I want to share this experience in the great hope that it can help some depression sufferers out there who happen to be high-achievers or were once overachievers who have slipped into despair.
I knew that I had a limited time to pray. I really needed to get to bed, but I really needed that breakthrough as well. God and I were both aware that I had responsibilities that I did not need to neglect, and He really honored that, probably because He knew that this time, I was well aware that I would refuse to use Him as yet another way to procrastinate. And really, this time the flood gates opened so much that it was probably the second most exhausting moment of wretched sobbing that I have ever had, second only to when my parents told us that they were divorcing and my dad had just moved out. My lungs were working so hard that I felt like a muscle that had been so strained had finally released. Letting go of the emotions felt so cleansing, but there was so much of it, I really couldn't enjoy the relief. And the reality was that the problems were still there; I merely, but more profoundly, understood them better.
Almost all of the paralyzing depression and demotivation (specifically regarding my profession and that was beginning to seep into my graduate studies) is (and now, was) linked to my own experiences in school and deep, dark wounds and unbelief that I had adopted. In my weeping prayers, I had to confess to the Lord that my inadequacies, weaknesses, and shortcomings had been consuming me as a hidden, sinister monster damaging and defiling everything I was trying to accomplish. I wish I could describe how real the despair was (I'm hoping I never have to use "is" in this aspect of life ever again) - how crushing and heartrending the sense of utter failure and hopelessness was to me last night. While appearing so much an achiever in many ways, the sense of failure and shortcoming had been steadily drowning me like a person wearing down clothing in a cold river. I could not fight it off anymore and the water was bringing me down. I could not breathe for the failure I was feeling myself to be. I could not account for it. I had to confess the feeling. I had to confess how angry I was at myself. I had to confess that I was holding myself to a ridiculously impossible standard that was, in effect, killing my heart.
What an awful feeling! I'm having a hard time writing about it, as if it would come back with my reflection - that is how awful and evil this thing is.
Praying to the Lord, I knew that He had heard my prayer, and I had confessed all of the horrible feelings of weakness to Him. I mean, profound weakness - begging the Lord to teach me the lessons that I missed in childhood and in adolescence because I had seen how others were rearing their children, wondering if I could recover from the gaps. Could I be a better Christian and follower of Christ even though my foundation was such a muddle of Christianity and secular moralistic platitudes? (e.g., "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all" - Where in creation is this in scripture? Define "good". Most will interpret good as positive, and therein lies danger for little minds interpreting sayings that need qualifier). Could I learn to be a disciplined, routine-oriented person when I really wasn't trained in that way? Could I reclaim ground so that when my children were born, my good habits would maybe be caught, rather than me pulling a "do as I say, and not as I do"? Of all of the cliches that I hate, that has to be the worse. I hated the thought that I would continue with a giant gap between who I wanted to be (someone disciplined, motivated, and consistent in doing there work) with who I was (flying by the seat of my pants, always rushing, always last minute, always stressing, always guilty for not focusing on work every minute, always anxious, always scrambling, always miserable and grouchy, always frustrated, and always overwhelmed [see how much more pleasant the first parenthetical would be for me??]). And the failure of not being able to change compounded with the failures of the past and my overwhelming knowledge of my great weaknesses were making me ill, miserable, and worst of all, hopeless.
Praying last night did not make me feel immediately better in the sense that I felt I would fix everything overnight - that couldn't happen because there was so much (and is so much) to do. But the combination of that, singing praise music, praying/crying on the way to work (I'm pathetic, I know, but you know what, I'm okay with that), then confessing to my colleague, a sweet, devout Catholic with such a hear to help and encourage, that I just didn't feel cut out for the job, made me feel infinitely better. I asked her about her experience as a teacher, if it was her lifelong dream (what is my deal with finding this "life long dream?" I just want to know that people have been okay without one), and she told me that she never imagined that she would teach. But that through circumstances, she had become a teacher. And I felt so relieved that someone knew that I had been indecisive and struggled with so many aspects of my job. I felt like I wasn't alone and that even though I didn't have this euphoric love for it, that I could still learn to be great and do a good job. And that really helped me this morning. As the day progressed, I felt better. And into this evening, I felt much more committed to my work in both teaching and graduate school to the extent that I felt better about maintaining a routine. With the confession of failure, weakness, and impossible standards behind me, I finally felt the freedom to work toward a true routine with some flexibility and boundaries. While working out the kinks of knowing my true limits is going to be an uphill journey, I'm convinced that 65% of the worst is behind me. I actually feel inspired to "go and be" without some ridiculous expectation humming in the background noise of my brain. I feel allowed to be bad at something and work toward better, good, and proficient without having to conquer so many emotions tied to possible failure and hatred based on perceived eminent failure because my impossible standards were so high. I really feel like I'm finally on the road to recovering from procrastination. With some good prioritizing skills, I think I will be out of the 25 year hole and mentality. That is an awesome thought to me. What a miracle - and yet the shift feels small, but so relieving and hope-building that all I can do is praise Jesus because really, God is who has brought this mercy to me at such a critical time. I'm so grateful for my relationship with Jesus that has given me such healing in my life. Please pray that God protects me and that I devote time to honoring Him. My victory will diminish if I do not cling to the Lord, so please pray that I honor the promptings of the Holy Spirit and commit to making time for and with Him. I am so grateful for this breakthrough, but it is fragile if I take it for granted. I want to continue in this renewed and peace-giving success. I feel like my quest for direction has been eased because I can at least focus on what is here in the present. And that is hope that only the Savior could have given. In the name of He who upholds the universe by the word of His power, Erin
