I can't do it anymore. It's time to unplug. I have a hard time making friends as it is - I don't approach people because I have gotten BURNED in the past - as a kid, as an adult - people were outright mean and some not so outright (and trust me, I'm not over-thinking it, I'm not seeing things that are not there). Body language speaks plenty, and I can take a hint. So I'm reserved when making friends because I have a high statistical occurrence of bad experiences and first impressions. I'm usually in that sinking ship that waits for an invite. Yeah, that doesn't happen much. And while I've invited to try to offset things, I have been constantly canceled on. They aren't going to reschedule most times either - I'll have to do that, too. So, when people I consider in that more than acquaintance less than close buddy area apparently don't feel the same, I'm having a hard time reacting. I have close buddies who do it, and that's tough enough.
But social media has brought those of us strugglers to a whole new level of exclusion. It used to be that you would hear about this or that, people would talk, but you didn't have to see minute by minute tweets, status updates, photos, or videos. Now, at least with the people that you border on a closer friendship with, your absence is in your face - and it can hurt, badly. I have those friends where it doesn't bother me a bit - the line is clear and not hurtful in the least. But, back in the day, you didn't talk about your parties, soirees, get-togethers, picnics, etc. in open company based on rules of politeness - an awareness that it might hurt people's feelings unintentionally. I'm sure some of that politeness was to preserve the appearance of kindness as well - a way to pretend you were nice when really, you could care less. Some good it did though. Things were allowed to die.
I'm finding the social networking for me, at least, is making me feel less connected, rather than more so. What an interesting effect. Seems to prove that less is more. I'm ready for more that comes by way of less. I don't want to be a slave to being forgotten, left out, or rejected. I want to be a slave to Christ - and anything that feeds the monster that causes me to dwell on my situation, my circumstances, my hurt, my me, my me, and my me is not working toward Christlike humility. It is in fact, a form of yucky pride. I gotta kill it. And that means healing and that means not using acceptance by others to do it. It will not be easy because this desire has been there a looooong time - even before I knew Jesus, and perhaps more alarmingly, while Jesus was in the picture, continuing along in a disguise. Time to die, lie. Time to die.
Some may decry my post as a pity-party. So be it, what does that matter? It hurts and I don't know how to fix that. But I can be wise and back off from feeding the monster. I'll be available via email, text, etc. But on Friday, I will deactivate my Facebook account for as long as I need. I won't be gone forever since so many messages are communicated that way, but it's time.
Erin
techno.techie@gmail.com
(email for number - this is the internet, yo)
