Since that point, I worked at a ministry where I really struggled with the theology and authenticity in the atmosphere, only to move onto a profession I was unsure of. I've experienced unemployment several times and wept more in my four short years after college than I did in the 22 leading up to them. I have never experienced so much emotional pain and turmoil in my life. And there are questions I am afraid to ask God because I fear the answers - and more than the answers, I fear no answer at all.
My teaching job is the most stressful thing in my life. I work at a school that has been in the news where the culture is not only one completely different from the hybrid one that I grew up in but one that I have trouble respecting because of the values I see developing. But I still love who I work for, and it is a love that eats me alive because it cannot change the mistakes that those kids will make on the path they travel. Because I am struggling so much, I wonder if I could ever serve vocationally in ministry. My temper, I fear, is out of control, and the melancholy I'm predisposed to (in my opinion) has reached severe depression and anxiety because of the stress. Outside of dealing with my own struggles against perfectionism, I have entered a career where the secular expectation of perfection without the grace of a Savior is suffocating me with a pillow while my own battle holds down my arms. I'm not emotionally healthy enough for the job, and I think that's why I feel like such a failure lately. Nothing stings like feeling inadequate and knowing how weak you are, dependent upon the approval of your authorities and the peers you admire. And, I don't "feel" called. Or I do and I'm resisting. I cannot even tell anymore.
I don't feel called anywhere - or really understand what that looks like. In fact, I even live hesitant to straighten things up and make them look great because I'm afraid I will be uprooted again. I've moved back and forth from so many places, that I feel unstable, at best, where I am. I feel so insecure in where God wants me that I feel as though I cannot relax because something will be disrupted again. The greatest disruption was my parents' divorce, and I fear the gravity of pain like that coming again. I fear stepping out in faith for anything because I fear more suffering. I fear more stress and strain. I fear more tears.
But, I have seen hope. I've seen God take a sobbing teacher on a 45 minute ride to work where she knows kids will berate her and disrespect her and turn her heart and attitude to positive thoughts and hope. I've seen God take this unwilling brat who does win some compassion because she wants to learn and change and force her into the place of dealing with her failures and weaknesses. I have seen God break through the churning stomachaches of an anxious mind and give true, unmovable peace. I have seen God keep the sun in the sky 7 days for someone who couldn't get their work done on time. I have seen God sustain faith when none could be found in this girl. I have seen God. And I have learned about grace.
I've read the Pentateuch - it took me long enough in my life. And I'm reading Judges now. I can't help but draw parallels between the Hebrews and my students. They refuse to listen to what is good for them and gripe when they face consequences. Their repentance is few and far between and the fruit may take decades to see. When I arrive at this point, I'm amazed at how God did not and does not give up on any of His elect. How he has not given up on me when I prayed for Him to teach me and show me my sin and have rebelled in the process. It's enough to bring me to tears each time because the pain I feel over my students is what God feels over us and our sin. It is what He feels over me when I complain, when I am impatient, when I refuse to get my work done, when I refuse to do what I know to be right because I'm angry at others who are doing wrong, and when I've exhausted myself to the point of anxiety over things I could have prevented. It has spurred me on to fight my sin, to crush it. And I have realized it is potently strong. It is the reason I have had so much trouble - and while some may not be surprised and the answer maybe obvious, when it comes to you seeing it and understanding the potency with which it controls your actions and heart, no one could speak it to you on their own strength. It is a revelation, and honestly, you know you can't tackle it in the least on your own.
Part of that has to do with the pain it's shrouded in - it's tender to the touch because you feel justified in doing it. Really justified - not just rationalized, but justified to the point where people would understand and have compassion on your sin. But we can't be compassionate to the sin. I cannot feel that it is okay no matter how painful it is to heal - because it is painful. It doesn't feel right because things really aren't fair. There are painful things that will constantly draw tears - and I hate living with them - but I have to step forward with God and kill the sin that the pain wants to justify. I have to believe that God meant what He said through Paul in Romans 8:28. Even as betrayed as I feel by some, by my work, I must do a good job because I'm called to work as though I was working for Jesus. It's right to do right, regardless of the trampling I take - and I have seen how hard it is to do right when you have been personally maligned and attacked, when you circumstances have been less than what you believed could be the worst. I never knew how hard it could be, but living it, I'm convinced my only hope is God enabling me to crush my sin which seeks to justify retaliation. I still don't feel called. I still feel like life is vague in more ways than I am comfortable with, but I need to do well and better until the time comes for the moment where the fog clears and I can feel peaceful again.
