My walk with God has struggled so much lately. Between dealing with new emotional pain and financial hardship newly encountered in my life - the details of which I can't and won't mention here, since I wasn't the source of them - I've found it difficult to seek the Lord through prayer or read His God. I know in my heart I don't want to be some "fair-weather" follower. I don't want to praise only through good circumstances, after all, it was not God who brought sin into our lives. However, I struggle nonetheless.
About mid-week - I can't remember the day, they all bleed together when I have to get up so early! - I was praying to the Lord about why I've been feeling so angry lately, even hatred. I didn't have to scour my heart to find the answer for long. I told God that I just don't understand why it has to be harder for me. Rather than going down the "it's not fair" route, my question wasn't quite seeking that line of thinking.
Most people my age are enjoying their youthful freedom, their marriage, their children, their jobs. I, on the other hand, have struggled through my profession since going into the workforce. While this year has been the best to date, I still find some lingering sadness. Most people my age aren't dealing with the heart break of more than one person's poor choices or devastating decisions and the impact on their lives. I had to ask why it has to be so much harder, not just for myself, but also for another that I do life with - why we are dealing with such radical hardship all in one foul swoop? I still don't know why and my question wasn't answered that afternoon, but I did find solace in the gathering of believers.
At church, relating a story, our pastor used the same phrase verbatim about a situation he was confronted with - really has been confronted with since the birth of the church. He had asked as well why it has to be so hard for him. Confessing his sin, I felt less alone than I have in the last few months, working through so many tumultuous years. While relieved, I know my heart to still be broken over many things, but I am fighting through it. While having defeated much anxiety and depression by the power of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Jesus, I am feeling "normal" sadness. Reminding myself that I have much to be thankful for, I press on, though watching someone close to me suffer more is so hard.
So many of my experiences have made me old - old in heart, and stubborn in my lack of faith in seeing things get better. I know we will have joys and sorrows in this life, but my heart so longs for joy. I feel as though so much has been robbed by sins, outside of what I've committed against God, I almost do not see how God can replace the years the locusts have eaten. I will pray though, outside what is within me, that God helps my unbelief and I withstand the tears I'm shedding for the sorrow. I will pray that I know that soon enough, though it be even 70 more years of suffering, that one day all these pains will be a different life and a new one will be given me when He receives me unto glory. I will press on and press in.
