A process and a project...

In reflecting over the summer's ups and downs (or rather, mostly consistent downs) and trying to figure out what I need to do and where I need to go from where I am at, I decided as I sat in the sermon on Sunday that I need to do something about, well, everything. I have to get some clear vision as well as deal with the emotional things that I am in the midst of right now. I need a project. So, I'm going to write here what the aim is, who I aim to serve, and my hopes and ambitions through the whole process.

What am I doing? Well, I'm a young woman with directionless ambitions. What? Yep. It's a quick way to hopelessness wanting to do something but not knowing what to do. My goal - fix the "not knowing what to do" part. Let's face it, as long as I am imperfect (which will be until I die and meet my Perfector face to face and see His pierced hands), I've got plenty to do. Why am I thinking "I don't know what to do"? There's plenty to work on. My goal is to outline, as best I can, to the minutiae (I'll explain why minutiae is important to me), what I need to work on mastering in each area of my life in the most practical, easy-to-digest ways. It won't be all puppies and kitties and rainbows, but I need to know what's going on in my heart and define the vague thoughts and beliefs that govern my actions and attitudes if I want to get better and make changes. I have to do the hard work of examining my heart's motivations (or lack thereof).

Who am I doing it for? First answer, myself. But I am going to post this on my blog in the hope that I can encourage other women in my position (single, mid-twenties, and dealing with their junk). I have no ambitions of trying to "speak into someone's life" because I generally feel too screwed up to do that, but I will post in the hopes that others out there don't feel so alone in trying to figure out a shattered life with fragmented thoughts.

What do I hope to achieve? I hope to find out why I'm so stubborn, why I can't just decide on something and do it, and why I have constant internal battles about doing good things that can only help myself to achieve better for Jesus and consequently my own well-being. We have enough to battle out there besides fighting ourselves about everything. And while Romans 7 indicates that there will be a lifelong battle, some of the things I am fighting are childish things, and I need to put those things behind me and grow up.

How am I going to do it? I am long winded (uh, hello) and I probably won't post all the responses I give to the questions I am going to ask, but the ones that I feel the most profound to me and ground breaking, I will give and share my answers. My brain works through asking questions that require reflection to help get further down into my thought process. While I don't know about Dr. Phil's theology, one thing he says did stick with me - we do continue behaviors because there is a payoff. I need to ween my heart off of the payoff in order to stop the behavior because I have learned (and apparently, haven't learned well enough!!!) that I cannot play this game on the field of habits and behaviors. I need to fight it on the deep personal-philosophy, unbelief vs. belief, heart level of my actions. Therein, I firmly believe, lies victory. So, I will post a list (shortly, I hope) of areas of belief/life that overflow into action. I welcome ANY woman to post an area that they think I have missed (because I am asking these questions to myself), because I am about to examine my life. I think change is afoot.

Second Chances...

It's been a tough six months. From struggling through a new job with nuances I wasn't prepared for, to stupidly taking four graduate classes, to battling serious depression, and then to coping with a father's love that is too shallow to fill such a deep need, I have arrived at a point where I am determined to fight through the emotions and be at peace, by God's mercy and grace. Here's what's going on right now.

I'm in Chicago for my summer visit. I think I've only missed two summers. Our whole family (when it was whole) would come up when my dad would have his June trade show. It's a city with many, many memories, both amazingly good and searingly painful. Last year was the first time I really felt rested on a vacation in many years. I could decide when I wanted to leave and stay, there was no rush, and I was able to feel peaceful and removed from responsibilities - a good feeling for any oldest child. I knew that I would be catching up on some things and doing somethings and enjoying people. Yesterday, I was with my cousin and we walked around Chicago, had a classic American dinner, and just enjoyed laughing and giggling. The weather was nothing short of fantastic, especially considering that I had just come from Atlanta, where you basically have the option of walking or swimming as you go from point A to point B with the amount of humidity there is. Last year, in Chicago, there were some of the most spectacular thunder storms I've seen in the city. This year, I left those in Georgia. I'm currently enjoying the summer breeze through an opened window in a house with no central AC. Summer in Chicago it is. But this post isn't about this so much as what I want to share today.

I have a second chance. Many of you know, but those who don't, I will share. In my foray into overloading an already taxed schedule while feeling down in the dumps, I managed to fail a class. Yes, I did it. I made two As, a B, then an F. While my computing brain can handle a lot of work, the motivational, do it part failed. Summing up my exact actions, I was rebelling outright from the work. I decided that I could not continue taking classes and living academic life the way I have been for the past 25 years. I opted out of classes for the summer so that I could really search my soul (with God's help) for the root of my rebellion. It's been tough because I have had such a hard time spending time with the Lord. Recent events have been so challenging that I don't know even how to pray or even if prayers for really seeing change occur even matter. I have found that part of this difficulty is owing to my strong faith in mankind to do what is self-serving above all else, a faith that I am finding to be stronger than my faith in God to change hardened hearts. This is a painful thing, and perhaps why I myself believe that I can't overcome my own grave shortcomings. It is a path to hopelessness. But, as I was driving to a friend's a week or so ago, I knew that in my heart I could not deny the existence of God nor Jesus's authority in a fallen world. A true loss of hope would be to walk away, which I can't do because what other hope is there in this world? You face the same losses, the same pain, and your option is to accept the help of a God who offers eternal peace and companionship or face those things alone, risking more suffering through a coping addiction or a cold heart that turns people away. If I am to suffer anyway, the option of future hope greatly dwarfs the alternative. Moving forward with this mentality helps ease some of the pain, but you can't feel deeply all the time, so emotions of frustration, sadness, and anger still get to me often. But I am functioning. And I can finally get something done.

So my second chance? Well, I spoke with the dean of my program, a woman who deserves "awesome" as a descriptor. She's down-to-earth, realistic, and understanding. And while I was apprehensive about discussing such a shameful thing as failing a graduate class, I decided that I would despise the shame, humbly explain my situation, and confront the consequence head-on. What could I lose? The God of all the universe already knew every horrific thought, intention, motivation, and deed I had ever been capable of (or ever will be), so fearing wasn't going to impact my salvation, the only thing I really HAVE. I was met with serious compassion, as I explained the challenges of my job along with the emotional downward spiral that started in January. I explained the mounting anxiety of someone in too deep, and how I had done it to myself this time, drowned outright. I asked her about damage control. And I had options! Hopeful, I listened as she told me a possible solution to recover some of the grade. It was not what I produced in the class that got me the grade, and she told me that I really should have received an incomplete. If the professor was open to it, I could complete my missing assignments and the grade could be changed.

Other things have happened since then, but as my July 10 deadline approaches for these assignments, I am reminded that God gives us second chances (and me many more). Not always, but many times He does. I hope that we can all recognize this when we do things wrong and have the chance to set it right for ourselves and others. It's time to make the most of our second chances.