When Life Weighs on You

It’s been a minute since I felt truly stressed - graduating from a grad program and no longer having class has that effect. But, I’m feeling it. School feels overwhelming though I feel more on top of instruction than ever. I return from Boston the night before we start testing. I can feel the ire toward state testing bubbling up in my heart - that I want my grandma to be okay for much longer, partially because leaving school at year end to deal with what the fallen earth throws at me is hectic and impossible. It’s hard enough dealing with grief without the thankless and unforgiving struggle of working as a public school teacher. There is pressure from every direction, and duty wrapped up in many of those. Testing means nothing to what I teach, but it feels as if the whole earth stops rotating for testing - and I feel like a person who has been robbed - I feel like testing has stolen from me, and I’m powerless to stop the theft.

All of these pressures and busyness remind me what I really want - I really want more time at home. I feel like I have no time to make my house a home and to enjoy the fruit of my labor. Today, I wrote in my bullet journal that it’s not the job I work so much as it’s the freedom a job would offer. I want to be at home more, but I don’t want to sacrifice serving at church. That feels like my current option. I enjoy working with the kids at my school - I enjoy working with people in general. But I am over the systems in place and the workload and the legalism of American education - and it keeps taking. Legislators keep taking and entitled people keep taking and county ideas and initiatives keep taking. I have run out of life’s blood to give. I’m nearing the end, which is a shame because I work hard to have positive relationships with people I work with and for. The standard I am held to while at the same time the treatment we teachers receive, means that the cons are truly beginning to outweigh the pros. I hate it though - most of the teachers I work with are selfless individuals - what other industry will I find coworkers like that? Many of them ARE my family. I am struggling to make a decision because of the family I leave. Time is ticking though.

And then there is life before me. My grandmother is ailing - the one who took care of me and my brother while my mom managed her currency exchange part-time. She’s the one who was the boss of the applesauce in the States for her nieces and nephews. She was Hispanic Woman of the Year in Chicago one year. My heart is just plain sad. She jokes about being ready - and I have to say, I am not. A lot of times in my life, I simply don’t feel ready - and for this time of life, I am the very most not. I’m not ready to shift generations - the loss of one and the continual growth of the next. I’m not ready to lose the Queen Mother, and I am begging the Lord to have mercy on me. I longed for my mom’s mom to be at my wedding one day, but losing this hope feels particularly hard amidst all the other painful adjustments. I have mourned life being radically different than what I hoped for before, but not with such immense sadness. My mom’s family has endured so much, and it feels a little impossible to believe that we must endure more. My great hope is the comfort of Jesus - that our mutual faith in Christ means that goodbye is not forever. But I reiterate - I am not ready. And I don’t know what to do with that besides weep every day that I need to. I’m reminded to love my people well through all of this - what our energy should be spent on. I can tell you, it isn’t anger. But what I wouldn’t give for a little more time - a little bit longer.

Dying to Hopelessness

I have a confession to make. My house is a mess.

And it's not in the cute, "life is crazy," things are hectic, clothes are everywhere mess. Clothes ARE everywhere, but it's bad. I have been RUNNING, escaping from it, avoiding.

I just can't anymore. Today, I had to confront what is going on. See, my classroom is tidy - I've grown so much professionally. And while I can make the desk messy all over again, each week I make sure to straighten and hand back grades and get things managed.

But the house... I joke is like Hoarders, but truly, it's like Hoarders. And I can throw things away and get rid of plenty, but haven't. I've had these conversations with myself like "what is the MATTER?" because it isn't normative. It also isn't what I know. It is, however, the result of deep, abiding, hard emotions I have about my worth and what I believe about myself - it is stuff that isn't true. I know it's not true because it's not biblical. I have a belief problem, though. And self-help books give me nothing - they aren't true either.

So, today, I did an exercise. And I wrote out the things that I do that aren't good to get really honest on paper about what I know about me. But then it morphed into something - it morphed into me taking thoughts I have and refuting them with what I know to be true. And there it was.

Over nearly 15 years, God has been able to peel back the brokenness of isolation (I was healed through dealing with the past), anxiety (I was healed through dealing with the present), depression (I was healed through dealing with others). Today was the day for a new one. Today was the day I was confronted with dealing with hopelessness - I will be healed through dealing with the future. In each case in my life, I am reconciled to my time here. Today, I realized something big and very difficult.

I am carrying around hopelessness - it's not biblical and it is selfishness. But it is caused by a very deep fear of mine - fear of emotional pain. I'd list out all of the pains, but we all have them. What I did distill for myself is that I have two types, which is why my hopelessness is so bitter - I feel the pain of good things destroyed by the fallen-ness of man - death, divorce, destruction, and denial of Christ as the Lord. At one point, things are good and felt good, and time has passed, and nearly all the once good things have gone, leaving a very grief-filled ache. I don't want to move forward because I fear the loss of so much good going bad.

But then there is this other, very awful pain - the pain of regret - the what ifs and could haves and should haves - and that scale is tipping me over these days. I want to do things and be with people, and I am surrounded by fear. And my fear is manifested in a home where I live but I also abandon. "What's the point?" battles against "but I want to have people over" - "it'll never be exactly the way you like" battles against "but it can be better." So, today, I discovered the stuck - stuck between two massive fears, and I escape to avoid it. The stuck has a name - and it is hopelessness itself.

I can't anymore, though. I can't do it because hope is still alive in there - maybe it's blind, but I refuse to give it up. I want to feel normal and not screwed up - I want to know Earth is broken, but I'm living well because of what I believe and how that informs my actions.

Confronting hopelessness, I prayed today - hopelessness is a type of self I need to die to. I told the Lord in prayer that I would trust Him enough to kill my unbelief of hopelessness. I wrote that I would die to my fear of pain and bear what cross I'm called to - I'd live it out and not let pain steal the joy of life and the calling to serve others and show them Jesus. Connected to that is taking care of all that God has given me so that I can use it to serve Him. I'm not doing that with wholeness - and I haven't been trying.

I wanted to share this because it never occurred to me that dying to myself is not just selfish indulgence stuff that I want - but that it can be selfish belief stuff that I refuse to deny. I wrote down evidence I had for hopelessness, and I felt God impress upon me through all the scripture I know and love, "And?" Because we must press through it - we should not embrace it. Like He put to death depression in my heart, so I can feel the truth of hopelessness as a version of self that I must crucify. On the surface, it looks strange - how can hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and isolation be selves to die to? But when you encounter how you have knit your heart to them and called them your own, they are just as much identities to crucify as the hedonist who knits addiction to his/her soul, the money-consumed miser married to his/her greed, the sexually obsessed to lust. They are harder to see because it seems like it wouldn't make sense. But they are there as identities, and let me say, they can be just as overcome by the Lord as those "pleasure"-oriented identities.

My house will take some time to rectify. It's not floor to ceiling in the least, and I'm not eating off of a frisbee like parks and rec, but it will take time. God will need to continue the renewing of my mind - I can't do it - I don't have the authority. His goodness, of which I have no doubt, can be relied upon. I just needed this first push to move forward. I believe others can know freedom as well.

Girl, Plant Your Face

It's a rare thing that I miss work (please don't think it noble - it is so much work to lesson plan when away that it's easier to show up even while mildly sick), but for a conference with some incredible Bible teachers, I didn't hesitate nor hem nor haw about burning my last two personal days on sitting under teaching that I knew would help my weak understanding of things. What was fantastic about this conference was being with my church family as well. A massive group of members from my church attended - not even at the behest of the church itself but simply because we are people who want to hear God's word and God's word preached.

I wanted to distill some of the things I came away with in my heart and share those things because I think they may be of value to other women interested in going deeper in God's word. These are my own feelings, so please do not feel pressure that I feel if it is not for you. But I want to share just the same.

1) Women have a great responsibility to the Church for the Gospel of Christ - this has a vast many contexts not limited to wife and mother. I hope other single women like me hear that - you may have many roles, but the greatest defining characteristic is not what you do or who you are to others but Whom you have been called to worship. Women can and do evangelize other women, and they should. Women can and do teach other women, and they ought. I love what Dr. Paul Washer said this weekend - that women could arguably be the most unreached people group - SO MANY are illiterate. Those women cannot read the word for themselves, and the implications of that for future generations are huge. Envision women empowered to read God's word and teach those under their care - children, family members, students, etc. There is so much that a woman can do that has gotten lost in the discussion of what little the Bible says they can't. I was reminded of God's provision for women, as leaders in their own lives, when He tells the Hebrew people that a father's inheritance should not be entailed away on account that he has no sons. That is RADICAL considering the things we women read in 18th and 19th century European literature. God has given us serious duty to uphold His word in the Church, care for, support, and minister those whom God has given us, and walk according to a way that honors Him. And I say all this with the deep conviction of my own sin weighing heavily on me that I have not been diligent in fulfilling my duty of others first in my own heart. There is so much we can do!

2) One of the great and awesome privileges that women can undertake that, to my mind, is neglected in this instant gratification world, is interceding for churches to be planted in the mission field. The theme of this year's G3 conference was missions. So often we again are consumed with what we cannot do, that we neglect the mighty thing we can: pray. We can pray. God was laying this on my heart over and over again this weekend as time well-spent for missions. As a woman, I will never plant a church - and I'm relieved, honestly. But I felt the great need for intercessors to pray for men who will - that God raises them up and that He keeps them honorable in their endeavors. In my overactivity on social media, I'm privy to the near incessant charges leveled at abusive pastors, which ARE serious, but also the minor gripes of people expecting perfection of mortal men. What amazes me about the current church climate in America are two issues: 1) that there is an absurd elevation of teachers we run to idolize and 2) that the vilification of men with minor/correctable failings is completely acceptable. Before we make another post, another comment, another blog post, another proclamation in this belabored public square called social media, let us stop and PRAY for these teachers - for real - for the one that has abused and shown himself/herself our enemy (because we are commanded to do so), for the one that blew us off and hurt our feelings inadvertently or in a moment of human weakness. I am GUILTY, especially when it is a teacher who has fallen into people-pleasing. But I'll tell you, the times where I stopped to pray and rethought a post or comment - I realized that adding to the online conversation would not do nearly so much as praying to the Lord would. I am a work in progress in this regard, but God will teach me to be quiet yet - may it be before I need to repent of something worse.

3) Women need quality theological teaching as much as men. AS MUCH AS. You may not think it's for you as a woman, but, WOMAN, it IS for you. The relational depth that we long for is only satisfied in a relationship with Christ - you will find that a good theology satisfies your longing heart that aches for MORE. While I don't talk to many women on the subject, my guess is that my own sense of longing for MORE love and deep relationship is not isolated to me. Though not married myself, I know enough to fear the expectations that my woman's heart can come up with for an imaginary man - He may love like Christ, but He isn't Christ. The sooner we see that our earthly love, while a precious gift and sanctifying mercy to us, is NOT enough and that we require more, we'll be in a place to seek what lies in the deep ocean of God's character. Good theology is not boring technicalities of God's Word - it feels like riches you have discovered; it will kindle your excitement for Whom God is, for what He has done, for what He will do, for the great hope we look forward to, I'm convinced of its curative properties - that plumbing the depths and breadths of God's Word can resolve depressions and anxieties, can replace deep grief with lasting comfort, and can enable us to BEST serve the Church and the lost. It can sustain a waning passion, and we find that it provides us the fuel for sustained joy. I cannot think how many times, in the midst of a heavy or exhausted heart that God reminds me of what I've read or studied or reminds me to rejoice in all that He had given me or done, and the more that women are in the Word of God and study it, the more frequent the rehearsal of what is good over what is fallen.

4) Submitting to God is not independent from submitting to a local church body for leadership. Submission still seems to be such a controversial subject for something to clearly laid out in Scripture. But as I see more and more women emboldened, there is this concerning, sour-tasting uncorrectable nature to this boldness. I surmise this is attributable to women constantly being told to do things that are by nature superfluous and extra-biblical, but just because we may have felt condemned does not mean we ought not be corrected. We have to sit under leadership - and for those of us where Christianity is freely proclaimed, it is possible to find excellent teachers. If you're single like myself, you have the exceptional luxury of choosing on your own. In either case, submitting to church leadership is an issue of obedience - and if you aren't in that position, you will not be nearly as effectual for Christ. God reined me in when I was drowning without a church family after college. He led me to a bible-believing church, and even just this year showed me my issues with submission to Him. That would not have happened without the near constant influence of the teaching and encouragement of my church. If you don't know what's good for you, submitting to a local body is such a joy - I feel like I have a true family alongside me. While we sometimes... oftentimes... fear that word submission, there is JOY found in the prospect and, quite paradoxically, abundant freedom.

I titled this post the way that I did because it is not about how God will elevate us, but how He magnifies and glorifies Himself through us. A worldly interpretation of that statement would say that doesn't seem like our best life. How wrong though, for it is the VERY BEST - it's what we're built and made for. The sooner we start operating in that "what we're made for" life, it will become abundantly clear what is the better life to lead. So girl, plant your face - in God's Word for wisdom and knowledge and on the floor, praying in humility and dependence.

When the Head meets the Heart...

Having had a breakthrough last week that culminated on Sunday, I'm finding I'm not fighting myself - not fighting my life or circumstances emotionally, but operating in those boundaries and being productive. I am losing perfectionism in the process. It's not completely gone, but I'm not attacking myself. I'm feeling the urgency without the overwhelming powerless feeling. And I knew it was coming - that I would stop fighting myself so much because I realized a month ago that was what I was doing, but I didn't know the level of peace I would feel.

The past couple of days, I have felt something new and old at the same time. I have felt equal to everyone I was interacting with - I wasn't comparing seasons of life, I wasn't thinking that I am not "equal" just because my life looks different. I wasn't thinking that I'm "the help" or that I'm "less than" - I was just thinking "I'm me" - no subtext, no running conversation of life stages in my head, no judgment about my messy basement, no comment on my financial reality, no comparison that I'm not married but that I have a lot of degrees, no back and forth. I felt like my time was MY time, valuable and useful and for what's important to God's plan for me. It's not the time that I should spend worrying how I should be like so many people I know, so many people I love. It wasn't so comparison-y as I make it sound - it was a depression over not being where I had thought I'd be. The catch is, I have no idea if I would be happy where I'd think either. And that should tell you to strive for peace where you are. We lie a lot to ourselves how we think things should be.

But do you know? The knowledge part of my brain knows that stuff wasn't true anyway. The knowledge part of my brain knows that God has a plan specifically for me - there are good works for me to do that He wrote into reality before the foundation of the earth. I know that we are equally depraved. I know that all have sinned. I know that I am not under wrath or under punishment. I know that my single life isn't some sort of punishment nor is married life a reward. It is the life I have been given and God is to be praised because I live in the most blessed time, in one of the most blessed places. I do not suffer like other believers and that is a thought I refuse to leave me. I will remember where God placed me.

But now, I have finally come to believe what I know... God is writing it on my heart as His Spirit leads me to lay all my thoughts down before Him. Being completely honest with God - not giving what I think "should" be how I should think or "should" be how I feel, and approaching God with the depth of the ugliness I can currently own (there are always untouched places, dark, that we don't even want to or can't own just yet), I feel like He heals me when I can be real. The minute I pretend, though, I can't get down to the work of it... it takes admitting what I can't or won't admit. And I finally was able to do what was bothering me for so long because I was so tired of it. In quitting depression, it was like I could really see the mess for what it is, but also that it is not a consuming crisis. I could also see how little steps aren't painful because the emotional fighting I have been doing has stopped. I'm not ruled by those emotions, so I am able to do the little at a time to keep making small, but meaningful steps.

I'm still lost as to what to pursue after I leave teaching. I found out some disappointing news today, but I'm not spiraling. My mind is working and I believe God will meet me again at the right time with the map I need to get to the next stop. In the meantime, I will continue to sing His praises because I never would have escaped my own mind. I feel like I can finally believe what I'm being told in the word and fight against the lies that I've believed for a long time.

The Sinister Selfishness of Depression: What God Is Teaching Me

I want to preface this post with a caveat: this is what God is teaching ME about MY depressive state and moods. Depression is complex in that it can be brought on from many sources and not usually just one. That being said, I am sharing what I am being convicted of in the hopes that someone in my similar position may find hope and freedom. I pray against anyone who may feel condemnation because that is not what God has for anyone who is in Christ Jesus.

I have been working through depression lately because life is just not what I hoped for. Add to this that I don't know what I hoped life would be, so there is this often despairing feeling I find myself deep in. It is a real feeling and real tears have been cried in earnest.

But God convicted me of something even this week about it. Depression is making me ineffectual as a believer, as a friend, as a person. That is exactly what Satan wants. Rather than fighting it, I just keep talking about depression. I think most of us have heard the term "broken record" - the broken for me is sure there. Just like music lyrics, just like a phone number I rehearse, just like anything I practice, I become good at being and talking about depression. Constantly. And I'm tired of being good at it and tired of talking about it because my life is not depression. My life is Erin and it is hidden in Christ, in the folds of mercy, redeemed forever, sanctified daily. It is not perpetual grief about what life looks like now nor the real hurts of the past and present. Depression is not my life. I need to stop rehearsing it over and over, bringing it up over and over.

I need to breathe that God is on His throne and that I have good works stored up for me to do. So long as I continue in a pattern of focus on what my life is and isn't, constantly refocusing on that, I will never be of use to anyone, not even myself. And that is exactly what Satan wants. If there is anything I do not want for my life, it is his victory over my ineffectual wallowing. God has put it in me to fight it - to fight for joy in my life and to stick it to an enemy that will stop at NOTHING to kill, steal, and destroy the good God has allowed me to have. I won't be an easy conquest in self-pity and demotivation. I will not be lifeless on the front of great need before me because I'm consumed with inadequacy. I refuse to let depression just happen and not confront it with REALITY. The truth is, every minute I focus on what I am not, what I have not, what I have lost, the trouble I have found, what I regret, what I wish, is a minute I don't focus on loving someone else who needs it. It is a minute I don't spend on checking up on a friend. It is a minute I don't spend calling a family member. It is a minute ineffectual. It's even a minute I didn't use to solve my own problem.

Well, people, I am done. I'm done with bad minutes. I'm done with the perpetual grief. I know that life comes in seasons, some long, some short, some exquisite, some excruciating, some quiet, some loud. I can survive them because God is vastly bigger than seasons, never-changing, ever present, always glorious, unceasingly gracious. I can do it. I am still mopping up the mess in my mind - the plans, the hopes, the hurts, but I am done with the constant cloud - the dreading of the coming day - the frustration with my faults. I was reminded today that I can plan all that I want, but anything undertaken without God's counsel, without His consideration is total vanity. He must be my first consultation and my ultimate consolation as I walk this daily life. I am exchanging Jesus daily for depression, constantly reminded that I must start my day with the Lord, learning (reading the Bible) and dependent upon Him (praying), acknowledging that without anything else, I fall prey to myself. That's the only way I'm going to get through it or accomplish anything because that is how much integrity I lack in following through on my own plans. And I am done with the hopelessness and embracing the authority God has given me in Christ.

This has been a process and it is by no means complete. But I want to share some transitional steps that have helped me arrive at the place where God is helping me see great, dramatic victory over my tendency to be ruled by my emotions:

1. The change started with thankfulness. When I started to go on a downward spiral, I began to work on thanking God for every big and small blessing in my life - those things I take for granted as an American in the most comfortable place on earth: hot water, a running car, the availability of groceries, the luxury of entertainment, air conditioning! It may seem stupid, but it puts what life looks like for the rest of the world vs mine in great perspective and helps to shut up the complaining of my heart over what is truly minor.

2. Crying when I gotta cry. There are zero points for being stoic. None. I can attest that for every tear I held back as a child, I cried three fold in my twenties and continue to. I do it before the Lord and I let it happen. And then I work it out in prayer to get to a point of peace. I don't let it stay there. I get reconciled in my heart and I move forward what I can do.

3. I stopped running. I left my over-planning and I started just doing one thing to make something done - one phone call, one load of laundry, one room, one dish! The power of one has helped me get out of the all or nothing funk and I can enjoy small movements in the right direction. The "power of process" when I want to have it ALL finished is what I am working to embrace more of now. God is helping me to see that tiny steps of progress toward a task outweigh all-or-nothing hopes that overwhelm me into inaction. Slowing my thoughts to daily, small things that lead to big process is HARD for me. But what's harder is the drift in life to where things get so out of control and coming to terms without how it got there. I am like a child in this phase, but I can recognize this as my greatest area of weakness and God's mercy is overwhelming me with patience for myself and willingness to fight my penchant for 100% perfection in theory over 90% completion in actuality. Overcoming lingering depression is so key to this fight because my emotions are so powerful over my pragmatic living - meaning, if I don't "feel" something, I struggle greatly in "making myself" do it. I don't want this. I want to master those emotions and push through. And that is why the power of one effort means so much to me - it means that I CAN fight - small, but mighty in the face of a negative mindset.

My prayer in sharing all of this is that it might give some inspiration to those with similar struggles. I have come to find that for myself, my emotions have way too much authority over my effectiveness. Until I master them, they master me. I want to have more integrity with myself than letting myself plan and fail. But for that, I have to fight. Now's the time.

Does Everyone Have a Dream?

What is your dream?

I don't know what mine is. I am quite stuck. Thankfully, serving in church helps me love on others to glorious distraction, but frankly, I cannot conceive of what my dream is or was. My parents would tell you I wanted to be everything under the sun. I loved learning and school up until 8th grade when academia had finally burned me. But amidst all of the learning, I cannot drudge it up. Practicality has virtually neutered my creativity, and my penchant for the creative has killed my motivation to embrace complete practicality. I feel like a living paradox. And it really grieves me as I drift further into a career of public service that feels like it's out to crush both me and those whom I serve. I can't keep living like this.

I also feel as though I can talk myself out of every idea. Making sure I'm not in love with a romanticized notion of something is very hard to sift through - do I like ALL of the idea or just my imagined story of what I think it will be? I have some of the entrepreneurial spirit of my maternal grandmother in thinking big and even taking steps but the hesitative caution of my dad in knowing exactly how good I am at failing and the unpredictability of life. I am at a loss.

I have little, small goals. But I find without a big dream in the long run, I have no drive. I was not like this as a child - I was not so heartsick and sad. What takes the light out of us? I'm desperately trying to answer this question for me. I think I'll heal if I do and find the drive that was lost to me.

The Better Friend

I struggle with balancing the scale in my life. I'm not speaking of balancing work and home life, but balancing the actions of others and my own response. We could boil it down and give it some cheap name like "tit for tat," but to simplify it like that is to be dismissive of the enormous amount of emotional math my brain goes through to reconcile things. It is mental and emotional exercise to reconcile things that happen, things that happen to me, my emotions, and my response to anything based on those emotions - the most complicated math always involves people.

In my quest for maintaining equal in my head, I often lose my heart in the mental math of things that happen. It is hard for me to function when things are unequal in my perception, which is why I try to balance the scale... which is why I struggle to push my heart into a disadvantage - to where I'm willingly in pain for the sake of other(s). I'm finding that God is shoving me out of my attempts to balance things.

I feel grief keenly - it just doesn't leave me - and I'm actively trying to embrace grief as a rather incessant reality and find Jesus and joy in it. It is hard to field the notion that your sorrows won't be resolved this side of the cross - that there are irrevocable actions here on earth. I practice reassurance with my students and with people who are prone to panic that "it is fixable" - that is a mostly-true statement in the reality where and when I live; most things are fixable. But we all wade into the deep end sometimes and lose precious things to the sea. I have lost some precious things and figuring out how to live with that without really losing myself to the sadness is work that my heart is navigating constantly.

I truly believe that God has given me insight and discernment through this in pushing through hardship - knowing what hardship really means. Consequently, I am facing what it really means to love when life becomes adversarial - when we become adversarial people. What does it really mean to bear with one another? What does it really mean to love your enemy? Or someone who became your enemy? What does it mean to forgive really? What does it mean to forgive selfishness? What does it mean to forgive deception? Dishonesty? Disloyalty? Adultery? Theft? Ridicule? Rejection? Pride? Anger?

I mean, if I believe this stuff that Jesus says - that I am to obey what He tells me to do, love others more than myself - I have massive amounts of self to die to... it means I knowingly allow myself to endure pain for the chief end of demonstrating I believe what I say - that I am to live the Gospel out for others so they might know it too. Others suffer in prisons and forgive, I probably should have the fortitude of the Holy Spirit to endure those things that don't threaten my physical being. That's not to say that it's easy, but I live in a land where leaving any commitment, a promise, a marriage, a bond is more convenient than ever. Removing yourself from any circumstance in America, in my American culture, is more a matter of mind than, well, matter. It's a hard decision sure, but most often, we have the means to make it happen and the means to minimize our pain in doing so.

But is this giving up? I ask myself this constantly. If a situation is terribly abusive, likely not. But that's not what I mean.  Surely parents know well what "not giving up" is. They know that you don't give up on your kids - you stop enabling, you stop coddling, but you don't ever give up - that love is too on fire, too strong to give up on your child. Isn't that what God the Father lives? He is the longest suffering of any of us. If I have any goodness, God's own goodness is unfathomably greater than mine. If I have love for someone, God's love is immeasurably deeper than mine. What does that say of Christ then? Of what He did for His brothers and sisters, His earthly father, His earthly mother? And if I am called to be like Him? As He forgives each who left him to bear the cross to the point of crucifixion without solace? As He, who has done no wrong, dying for those who will glory in wrongdoing until God continually sanctifies them?

Surely then, the chasm between me and those who have sinned against me is a might smaller than the chasm that once stood between me and God. Greater were my offenses against Holy God than those who did offend me from where I stood. Yet He continually teaches me kindly, not with the punishment I am surely due (for certainly, we have ALL felt anger against those whom we have born, helped, nurtured, when they turn their weapons of sin on us). In light of what I know, I have immense pressure to let my love overlook sin, even unacknowledged sin, and be kind and loving in any rebuke I undertake to give. I'm hard-pressed to caption any betrayal or lie perpetrated against me as worse than what I am guilty of toward the Lord.

I'm being reminded over and over again, through tears, through ache, to call upon the Lord to do what I cannot and be whom He always is: be The Better Friend. Do I really love my friends? Do I really love my family? Do I really love those who position themselves as enemies against me and mine? Do I really mean it? It is the worst struggle - the lack of reciprocation - that my brain mathematically contends with on the human level. But within the context of God's scale to mine, there will never be reciprocation for the Lord; He is my beginning and my end. My debt can only grow because God is the source of any good I do. He must be both Author and Perfecter, I do nothing of my own good-making.

So lately, all of the impossible that I feel led to:
Ask for forgiveness though my offense may not be "greater" so that my pride continues to die; be the first to forgive; be fast to forgive; be patient if my forgiveness isn't asked (as God does His work and patiently waits for us); be the mature believer, reserving anger for appropriate times and seeing God's work as paced differently in the lives of others, even though I may be wounded in the waiting; trust God to work in those whom He has called at the speed which pleases Him; be the mature believer who does not take offense deeply into heart but patiently waits in kindness to offer grace and speak truth in love; give thanks for all the good I still have in this life; always be willing to hear my offender if they reach out as a check on my hardness of heart and self-righteous pride; be quick to listen; resist the evil one who thrives on suspicion, lies, deception, and pride; fight for peace and unity without compromising truth nor conviction; acknowledge the Lord in all my ways; allow others to lean into and lean on me; be a minister of reconciliation.

As Christ must increase, I must decrease. My grief may never be truly acknowledged, past, present, future, but still He bids me: be the better friend. Though it cost me much and I do it with tears, may I obey with joy.

Poor Casting Call: The Theater of Life

The last time I wrote a blog was in March of last year. And I felt it narcissistic. But I am coming back. I enjoy writing and putting thoughts out there. It helps me work through things and maybe even get feedback on how others have overcome similar things. Rather than talk about all that happened last year, I'll do that at the end and rather, tackle the idea I'm having with the title here.

A while ago, I wrote about how I felt like maybe I was wanting things I thought I was supposed to want - not actually tapping into where I want my life direction to go. That murmur has morphed into a notion I had tonight as I wrote in my journal (yeah I wrote a lot there before even getting here).

The idea? Did I poorly cast myself in my own life?

I'm reading Jon Acuff's book Quitter, which I have owned for longer than I care to admit and just started reading because I'm buying Kindle books at a shameful pace. He is fabulously entertaining and freeing. He has made me re-approach how I am trying to find my dream career/job. The problem is, I couldn't even decide as a kid. There are definitely things I'm good at (like saying something that lands me in hot water) and things that I am bad at (caring about fashion and dressing myself well). But when he posed the question, borrowed from Simon Sinek "What is your WHY?" All I have is the answers and church answers I "should" say. It's like I have so cloaked over what is really in me with Christianese speak that I have fogged up the mirror on stuff that isn't sinful - I need to see it so I can go somewhere.

As I was writing to myself, I was painfully and embarrassingly reminded that I see myself in some sort of movie of myself as I view my life... some sort of romanticized moments and murmurs coming of age tripe that feels like a performance in my head. It's as though I'm trying to figure out how it should be looking without actually living at it. And I'll tell you, I fill my time with parts both good and wasteful, but some link is missing somewhere... and I think it's where my deep grief about how things just don't go how you hope lurks. At the higher elevations of my life, there is happy and there is bubbly, but in that wonderful forest and wilderness is a cavern, and inky, black sadness rises like a poisonous gas and takes out some of the trees and plants and goodness in that forest. I'm desperate to try to choke it off, but it's DEEP in there - beneath who I THINK I am.

So, I have been wrestling. And the thought occurred to me - I am a poorly cast actor in my life. I'm playing to "shoulds" a lot and it is making me have these depression episodes where I am LOST because, well, emotionally I cannot reconcile myself to this role that I am not. The reality is that I am not in a life movie... I'm in a life. And I have no clue who I'm playing to because, much as I love and enjoy people, deep down, I am not really wanting to be included in things or accepted in others - I'm actually really okay by myself. I think what some folks are doing is cool and think "why can't we be buddies," but truly, I don't think we would jive as the type of every day friend I would want. I'm not opposed, but I'm okay with it "not working." It has come down to me asking myself, but do I really want to be friends? And I don't. And that knowledge has me wondering, where else do I think I "should" want something where, actually, I don't know?

I stand at this weird precipice where I can get off easily and go about the acting gig and fruitlessly trying to make myself into who I am not and stuff God knows I know is making my life unnecessarily mopey, or I can do the work of figuring out the answer to these questions using some hardcore honesty and ignoring the church answer that is in my head. I want the Jesus truth in my life, redeemed authenticity, not the "blurb" statements of piety. I just hope I know where to start.

Battles in Planning

I have not written a blog post in almost exactly 3 years. It feels like a narcissistic hobby, but I wanted to write a post today in the hopes that I help someone who has felt hopeless as a planner like myself.

Let me launch first by saying that I am a terrible, awful planner. I am a wonderful maker of to-do lists, and thoughts swim through my head all the time. I am terrible at "confronting" my day. It's hard to articulate the "why" of how I dread each day in the morning - nothing particularly bad will or is going to happen, but it's as though I cannot let go of today because I have some hatred for tomorrow. I'm not suicidal. I just feel like I don't know what I'm looking forward to.

This got me to thinking - Why do I dread tomorrows? I go and do fun things and I enjoy my life at many moments, but it's like while one part of life is humming along happily, there is a low-level current dread of existing under it. So I began the process of working through the answer to the question of Why do I dread tomorrow? Why am I not looking forward to another day?

A few things about me - I am a messy person and it has gotten worse (only recently better through this process); I have a million ideas and I can't pick one I like best; I feel melancholic and ecstatic many moments at a time - I can go from one to the other instantaneously, one is not harder to move to or from than the other; I feel like my life is both radically out of control and sometimes manageable and sufficiently in control (I let go of the "perfectly" in control thought long ago). I'm a born again Christian. I struggle with making choices vs. things just happening and being stuck where I am. I'm conflicted because mercies are new every morning and instead, I dread every morning. I'm conflicted because my hope is in Christ but I feel hopeless. I don't know what I'm working toward - while I try to bring God glory, how am I to do that when I don't know my life's work?

When it started...
Earlier, at the end of January, early February, the stuck-ness was really clawing at me. I was struggling with purpose and direction (and still am), and plain lack of discipline because I was struggling with what the point of it was. I'm single, I don't have people over because I almost don't know how to do it, and I'm floating around out in the lake of life, aimless. Who cares about me? Does it matter? And I began praying about those isolating thoughts and notions, and I decided to ask around. I asked my pastor and my successful friend Erick for books on purpose, motivation, and discipline. The thing was, I had already bought critically acclaimed books I hadn't touched. My pastor gave me a lot of his time, though. We chatted about the melancholy and the tendency toward it verses the overpowering-soaking in it. And we prayed. I'm convinced the prayer laid the groundwork for learning to take place because I felt like I had made the first steps in articulating what I have struggled with since high school - what am I supposed to do? How do I change my thinking, my approach, my attack to get ahead from being behind? Am I chasing an illusion?

Getting around to it...
February was a blur of grading and vacation, but I had to accomplish two things before a deadline: clean my desk at school and clean my house before vacation. I was determined to be done in my classroom by the time school was out on the Friday before break, and knowing me, it was not likely to happen. Then it was the house after that. Somehow, by God's grace, I got the classroom done by 4 pm, a record for me. I have never been done that early - it was a milestone that I undertook from Wednesday to Friday. It was great leaving a clean, tidy (from the inside out - filing cabinet, cabinet, and desk innards were organized) that I know I would return to. It was then on to the house.

The house was a mess. I was so hectic for so long, that it had not had a good, deep cleaning since November. There was trash and dirty dishes and an entire Kohl's worth of dirty laundry. It also needed to be scrubbed - literally. I have dogs, and the dirt, dust, and mud left an orange-gray tinge to literally everything - the way a fire leaves soot everywhere. Time to buckle up. I tossed, I washed, I scrubbed, I wiped, I swept, I mopped, I vacuumed, I moved rugs and mountains, I did everything I had left undone for months. Mom was going to stay and, as I have Latina Mama Syndrome (LMS), you better believe it had to be spotless. And it was. Except the couches, which Latina Mama handled graciously while I was gone. She also cleaned the microwave which was my favorite part.

I ached so badly after those two days, I spent the rest of my break in Orlando wrapped in pain - feet, spine, it was intense. But I felt accomplished. I did not realize that these were called "small wins" until reading a book I picked up months ago via Kindle. It was time for a change, and this book opened my eyes.

Flickering light bulbs...
Small wins are tiny victories that have chain-reactive properties - they set you off onto a path of change upon which you can build, accepting both large and small victories as progress, taking failure and setback in stride. Small wins must be small - the book I'm reading (The Power of Habit) talks about how big, radical changes hardly stick. It is usually one small victory that acts as a catalyst to others. In reading the book, I have found what I'm doing wrong in planning and goal-setting, but more than that - it opened my eyes to my stuck-ness. It has to do with some bits of approach and some bits of execution.

The book illuminated what Ben Franklin already seemed to do inherently: change small habits rather than radically alter life. If you read Franklin's writings, he talked about keeping track of habits. So little of what he did was radically changing life. Every time I have tried to plan and change my life, it has involved some idea of radically changing things - it doesn't stick with me. And forever, I have thought this was something up with me. Wrong. It fails most of us. The book speaks about keystone habits. Something similar had happened to me when God healed me of social anxiety in 2009 - a lie I believed died that day. Like a domino, that experience touched off other events. I was healed of emotions and thoughts and underlying patterns of behavior that flowed out of the well that lie was. It was poisonous water I kept dipping into. With it gone, my entire personality changed.

And here was this book, this month, this year, telling me that this is a thing with habits.

Full-steam...
Working through the book, my brain started connecting. In theology, there is this idea of unbelief - we don't get emotionally and spiritually better because we are steeped in unbelief (this is not in reference to physiological issues, though I believe those can be healed, but not because we do/don't believe it can happen). That was anxiety for me. I didn't believe that I could work through anxiety without knowing the historical issues and experiences and narratives I wrote in my dumb head that caused me to fret so much. And I prayed for God to heal that unbelief - He did, revealing a lie I believed at the core of my being. Feeling it die like a weed that withers, thoughts in my head changed, undercurrents of worry melted, and I knew I had become different in a literal instant.

Fast forward to 2017, March. I am in the heat of grad school, county endorsement assignments, grading, teaching, and drowning. I need to read something that may give me hope. And this book illuminates why my attempts to change fail - I don't believe I can.  The book is called The Power of Habit but for me, it should be called the power of belief.

What if, like unbelief that leads me to stunted growth in my faith is akin to my belief I cannot change? For a while I had known that there was a dysfunction in my faith about choice, happening, and change. I have had more faith in sin and shortcoming than God's ability to overcome it. I have believed every effort to be in my own strength, therefore abdicating success before I even began an attempt. It did not occur to me that I should consider believing in my ability to change was not faith in myself, but trusting that God would be there to help me stop sin because I am already one with Christ. This book illuminated that it has been a form of unbelief in Christ's indwelling strength that I can change. For a long time, I was convinced that God's got to do it and in some Hollywood way I thought it would look like.

It reminded me of Jesus, whom was anticipated as the coming Messiah, but was not the form the Israelites hoped for. They were looking for a warrior king that would make a physical kingdom. They could not fathom the humble King whose aim and joy is so much greater - restored relationship with the Living God. It was out of left field.

Here I am, reading a secular book that God used to show me that I am NOT powerless, but that believing I can change is empowering because Christ has enabled me to do it. I have not believed that He has given me power by the blood to change - that we are one when I repented and accepted Him as Savior. The issue is that I have believed every attempt or desire to change has arisen through my human effort and flesh, which I have believed would fail, in which case, I have failed. Every single time. What God is showing me is that, like St. Patrick, Christ before me and Christ behind me, Christ within me and Christ is with me. I am one with Christ, and with that, there is authority I NOW have over myself to change and I ought to believe that it WILL happen by vehicle of my Christ empowered and sustaining effort. It does NOT need to be a fight against myself because I NOW BELIEVE that I can change. I no longer hold that a belief in my ability to change is an idolatry because God has put it right in its place: I MUST believe in the power of CHRIST to work change in and through me. Believing that I can change can be divorced from the idea that change is due to faith I must have in myself. Faith in myself would be idolatry, but it doesn't mean that I can't change, it means I have faith in the authority Christ has given me over my choices. THAT has changed my life, and come in a package I never expected, like Jesus himself.

Joy in Singletown USA

I thought I'd wrote about something that I'm enjoying lately - single life (sans dating). I say sans dating only because so often people love their single life for the opportunity to go out with so many people. I'd like to differentiate myself from those folks. While I'm trying to Dave Ramsey my financial life (his name is best used as a verb), I'm finding myself renewed in my enjoyment of being single.

I'm writing this in hopes to encourage ladies out there. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to be married one day, but I find grace constantly pressing on me to just love this time with the Lord and on my own. I simply cannot pity myself or feel terrible that I'm not in the same life stage as so many others in my vicinity (and on Facebook). I have moments of the blues and sometimes people forget about you because, hey, you're a unicycle and there aren't kids in the picture and it's apparently weird for married people to pursue new relationships with a singular person (hence the rarity of hanging out with new, married friends - at least in my experience and in many I've observed). But despite that, I can't help but relish the freedom and independence I enjoy. Can't beat only having to agree with yourself about small things!

1) I recently adopted a puppy, who has brought me lots of joy…and sorrow as I leave him home when I head to work.

2) My money is free of permission slips. Can't beat managing your own money and not having to think of 2 or more people. Thankful that my cash doesn't go to things destroyed by a small army I created. Instead it buys awesome things like USB cords and anime. //sarcasm on that last one

3) Cooking - maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Don't have to. Often don't want to. Can I? Yes. But joining my friends for trivia at ye olde pub is worth way more fun than cooking and cleaning the mess up. No one expects me to do it and my skill at rationalizing a meal out is unthwarted by today's menfolk who expect both bread winning and bread baking.

4) Other people's kids are hilarious. I'm not the type to shy away from kids. My singleness isn't out of aversion to responsibility nor children (I find those singles ignorant and missing out). Besides being a teacher, I have so many stories from caring for other people's kids. What's great about other people's children is that you get to see what works and what doesn't. You get to see, "Hey, I want to know how they are getting their kids to be this way," etc. You get to laugh at the hilarious things they say. Or you get to experience your favorite classic movies with them who might be seeing them for the first time. You relive your childhood in a way that is hard when you are childless. Plus you earn a little extra gas cash for things like last minute trips to visit your buddy in Kentucky.

5) Graduate school is an opportunity to meet new people from all walks of educated life and actually spend some time with them since I'm virtually obligatory person free. I've learned not just from my classes but from engaging with other people in my program. The experience working with my professors has been one more of comradery and collaboration than parent-child. It's a glorious "we're all adults here" atmosphere. I feel more of an adult in this context than even at my job. There's something about connecting professionals looking to better themselves.

6) Sleeping alone is awesome. Okay there is awesomeness I am missing out on, sure. But being unconscious in a giant bed is still amazing when no one is snoring or stealing covers or sick. Granted, my dog can fulfill any one of those annoyances should I miss it. But sleep (and non-extra body heat) is definitely a perk people don't appreciate.

7) Chick flicks for me and no sharing the remote is joyous. I don't have to pretend to watch sports or endure Halo in the background. I also do not have to listen to Dora, who, like myself, is a very LOUD Latina, making declarative statements for 30 minutes. The Spanish-fluent squirrel is da bomb though. I watch Downtown without anyone whining about it and I don't even have barter!

8) Perhaps the greatest opportunity I have is the ability to serve at will and last minute. Because I don't have to check in, I'm able to drop what I'm doing to help out. There's so much satisfaction to be found in helping or accommodating others. It really blesses them and rewards me just in knowing I could be of use though I'm not constantly depended upon by people I call my own. In any case, I'm able to serve in many ways and free to be as busy or relaxed as I choose.

Just wanted to share these. I don't by any stretch imagine I would regret going on to the next stages, God willing, but rather enjoy what I have right now. If you haven't tried some of the above, I highly recommend them.

An Open Door...

It's been a long time since I wrote a post. That has been intentional, but lately I've felt the need to share about my summer and the amazing things that have happened since then.

Coming out of my previous teaching experience in Gwinnett, while the year was the best that I'd had ever, my heart was to come back home to Acworth where my church was. In march, I set a limit on myself that I would job search until the 30th of June. If I couldn't find another position closer to home, I was going to stay put, find a roommate and an apartment, and find a new church home and community. My heart would be broken, but I would know that I'd done what I could to find something closer to home.

April came with no interviews. May came with no interviews. June came with no interviews. I was sad. I'd applied in the business world and in the education market, and all was silent on the western front. I was bummed. I was disappointed. But I knew that I'd tried everything, applied everywhere, and gave it my all. I'd already set myself back by doing poorly in graduate school, it was painful to not at least find a job near home. I'd prayed for something different. Over Spring Break, I'd prayed that I would have clarity in what to pray for. And there were two things I came away with - working closer to home and being able to earn more.

And nothing. I felt like God had given me those two things to pray for so that I could develop community in my community and get out of debt while being in a position to financially help others. And July came and I was down, but I resolved to commit myself to the school in Gwinnett...then the calls came in. Right before I was heading back to the system for pre-planning, a school (an excellent school) in Roswell called me for an interview. I would have gotten the job - they don't call you just before the start of school to not hire you. But the distance was still 50 minutes from my home. I'd said I couldn't, but I called a friend to see if I should call them back and say I actually would like to interview. She said she thought not to bother unless it's just right - at home. I said okay and hung up my misgivings. I was going to be okay where I was.

Then, two days later, it happened. The Wednesday before I was supposed to return to Gwinnett on Friday, a school in the same cluster where my first job was called me. They wanted to know if I was interested in interviewing. Without hesitation I said yes, and all the hope I'd ever had bubbled up. I immediately called my superiors at the Gwinnett school - and they said something that shocked me: I should do what is right for me. I was blown away by their support even though I might put them in a tight position. It happened that they had interviewed two people for one position - both whom they had liked - and one could take my vacancy if there was one. My AP was going to allow me to leave training to go to my Friday interview.  I began to hope, and I wanted to burst at the seams.

I had my interview, which I had mixed thoughts about. I wanted the job so badly, but I couldn't feel out anything. The waiting game was awful. I called the school Monday, and waited again. I knew they would start their school year on Thursday. Monday evening, I'd heard nothing. I was convinced I didn't have the job. I'd been through the job wringer so many times. It was my fifth time entering the ring - and I had a good right hook, but nothing was ever a guarantee. The next day I went to the new teacher onboarding for Gwinnett - Over 1,000 new teachers were there, all happy to find a job (especially lit and history teachers). I was the only person a little sad. I went to my meetings, then was headed to the next session. The phone rang and I ran outside. It was the principal - she was calling to offer me the position. I started shaking so much my voice was quivering. She told me what I would need to do and I ran off to complete the process.

God showed me that He would answer my obedience with faithfulness. I was blessed beyond measure. After leaving Marietta, I'd searched without luck to find a middle school language post (they are HARD to come by). And here I was, going back home to the same place I loved to teach the younger students. As I think about it now, I simply want to cry at the joy that was handed to me. After 1 year of complaining, 3 years of wandering (and a little more complaining), over 10 interviews, over two dozen applications, 16 months of 50 minute commutes each way, and repentance, I was allowed to return home. I cannot express what it means to me to be back. I feel blessed beyond measure and I'm so thankful that God guided me through it all.

Psalm 27:13-14
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

The Time Has Come...

I have been praying for the last few weeks that the Lord begin to change my heart regarding my lack of urgency in sharing the Gospel and living this life for Him in a more intense way than I've ever lived. While my exterior - my speech and opinions, language and education might convey to some in our American Christian culture that I'm mature, the truth is that in my private thoughts and personal ambitions, I'm exactly the image of false piety that plagues American Christendom. I've known it and struggled with it for some time - these are perhaps strong words, but I use the because I love my mattress and value so much stuff.

Materials are not the devil, but I demonstrate a level of idolatry that has bothered me for a long time because it does not comport with purchasing the pearl of great price, living to lose my life that I might gain it, or much of what Jesus taught about wholly pursuing Him. I am, which I hate, like the rich young man who tells Jesus that he does not sin against the last 5 commandments but cannot sell everything and live as a pauper for the sake of the Gospel. I cannot live with these specters of a message that I know was left for me.

While I make the observation that our culture is replete with my brand of Christianity,  I'm not saying that anyone else ought to feel the way I do - I am neglecting a call to ME to really believe and dig deep to give it all up. God is telling me to give up the hoax that remaining in the US, embedded in a live of blissful complacence and "normalcy," will satisfy the deeper dissatisfaction that I have that I'm being called to something that will require more myself than I could ever hope to do in my laughable "own strength." To say that I am scared is an understatement of major proportions. And I'm fighting the urge to ask God why I am burdened in this way when others can be content in their lives. But to dismiss these feelings after they keep coming back - after I keep affirming that I can't deny what Jesus tells us to do and what that means to me would be to sin and live in a state of medicating that incessant rumbling in my brain that I HAVE TO DO MORE. And never have I felt more alone.

So, practically, what will I do and what is the plan? I am burdened for missions. I cannot envision staying in the states if I'm to call myself elect - I have got to go somewhere with less distractions because I'm too tempted  here, in my crippling weakness to really live as God is saying to me I have to live.  If I can master it here, I will stay. But that is so unlikely, that I think I must go.

Right now, today and for the next 2-3 years, I'm praying the following:

-What possessions to sell immediately
-What I will keep to take
-A job for the next 2-3 years that will enable me to pay off my debt
-Completing my graduate education in 2 years
-What country to go to

So, there it is -  a tentative game plan. If God is leading you to pray for me, please pray I don't fail - even now, I'm concerned about how I will financially help my family because I feel a responsibility for that, too. Right now, the heat is on, but the fervor will subside in the next few days. Right now, all these things are pressing in on me, but I'm reminding myself that there are a few years time and first things first (like paying off my debt!). I'm excited and terrified of failure, but if I neglect the urge anymore, I will be disobeying Who I love most in my life, Jesus.

Growing Up Fast...

Today, at our church, Four Points Church in Acworth, our pastor preached an awesome message that was a two weeks in the making for him and a week in the making for me.

My walk with God has struggled so much lately. Between dealing with new emotional pain and financial hardship newly encountered in my life - the details of which I can't and won't mention here, since I wasn't the source of them - I've found it difficult to seek the Lord through prayer or read His God. I know in my heart I don't want to be some "fair-weather" follower. I don't want to praise only through good circumstances, after all, it was not God who brought sin into our lives. However, I struggle nonetheless.

About mid-week - I can't remember the day, they all bleed together when I have to get up so early! - I was praying to the Lord about why I've been feeling so angry lately, even hatred. I didn't have to scour my heart to find the answer for long. I told God that I just don't understand why it has to be harder for me. Rather than going down the "it's not fair" route, my question wasn't quite seeking that line of thinking.

Most people my age are enjoying their youthful freedom, their marriage, their children, their jobs. I, on the other hand, have struggled through my profession since going into the workforce. While this year has been the best to date, I still find some lingering sadness.  Most people my age aren't dealing with the heart break of more than one person's poor choices or devastating decisions and the impact on their lives. I had to ask why it has to be so much harder, not just for myself, but also for another that I do life with - why we are dealing with such radical hardship all in one foul swoop? I still don't know why and my question wasn't answered that afternoon, but I did find solace in the gathering of believers.

At church, relating a story, our pastor used the same phrase verbatim about a situation he was confronted with - really has been confronted with since the birth of the church. He had asked as well why it has to be so hard for him. Confessing his sin, I felt less alone than I have in the last few months, working through so many tumultuous years. While relieved, I know my heart to still be broken over many things, but I am fighting through it. While having defeated much anxiety and depression by the power of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Jesus, I am feeling "normal" sadness. Reminding myself that I have much to be thankful for, I press on, though watching someone close to me suffer more is so hard.

So many of my experiences have made me old - old in heart, and stubborn in my lack of faith in seeing things get better. I know we will have joys and sorrows in this life, but my heart so longs for joy. I feel as though so much has been robbed by sins, outside of what I've committed against God, I almost do not see how God can replace the years the locusts have eaten. I will pray though, outside what is within me, that God helps my unbelief and I withstand the tears I'm shedding for the sorrow. I will pray that I know that soon enough, though it be even 70 more years of suffering, that one day all these pains will be a different life and a new one will be given me when He receives me unto glory.  I will press on and press in.

A Coming Change...

My heart is very burdened. Let me tell you why.

Without getting into too many specifics, I'm feeling very drawn to the mission field. In my heart, I cannot deny what I am feeling to finally be a calling on my life - to share the Gospel of Jesus with others outside my home in the U.S.A. I'm finding that the way that I live out my Christianity here at home, in what I consider to be the greatest country to live in, is less committed, less intense, and more selfish than ever before. I feel as though I am called to remove myself from the environment in which I live and serve in a capacity outside my capability.

While I have felt these inklings for a long time without a specific calling, I have known that the timing has not been right - things were not lined up properly. They are hardly lined up as we speak, but I am praying through my sinfulness to make headway toward the mission field away from my home.  I feel that I have failed in so many ways to share my faith in Jesus here, but I am praying that I find confidence in the Lord and lose confidence in my ability to fail. I am praying that I prefer Jesus as my master to sin as my master.  God knows that what I need most is discipline - which happens to be my greatest weakness. So I am praying and reflecting.

Just to be clear, we are not talking preaching - I believe what the Bible says about women in that capacity, and I am happy to abide by it. But I do feel something needs to be done - >>I<< need to do something by God's power in me. As I navigate these waters, please co-labor with me in prayer over the following:

1. I wish to complete my graduate program, which could take 2-3 years. Please pray I am able to focus and do this quickly.

2. Pivotal to being "free" for mission work is getting out of debt. Currently, my debt is, well, ridiculous. I'm sorry, that was supposed to be RIDICULOUS. 

3. Please pray for my relationship with Jesus and consistency. My discipline is lacking, my rate of indulgence is high, and I cannot serve two masters, though I know I'm trying to. Please pray that I kill addictive sin in my life.

4. While I am feeling pulled, I don't know where, though I wonder if it's an unreached group of people. There are hubs and places that I can go, but I am praying that God clearly confirm and reveal to me His plan. If I am not interpreting this pull properly, I pray that He correct me and lead me to where He desires me to be.

5. My greatest challenge and worst sin is lack of discipline. Even now, I know that it's a nature to me - which is scary because I feel as though it's built into me, a dangerous way to think about it because you know automatically, or think you do, that it is near impossible to conquer. I ABSOLUTELY need to pray through this and conquer this sin. It is mastering me right now and I don't know how best to fight back.

To those who read regularly, thank you for your time and patience. For many years, I was convinced few people cared for or about me, and God has shown (and it's oddly humbling) that I am gloriously wrong. If you have prayer requests, please let me know. This is a two way street and reciprocating brings me such joy. I will write an update the sooner I am more clear. In Christ, Erin

Employment and Gratitude...

September 24th of this year, I walked into my fourth school district in four years. I was hired by Gwinnett just the Friday previous and was headed to the benefits meeting.

The wait was very long. My goal, through disappointment and frustration in the summer months, was to refrain from complaining and simply ask for prayers. After all, how could I complain when I chose to walk away from my job? I still wonder if I was simply everyone's last choice, everyone's last option, but that has passed. My friends tried to remind me about my crazy certificate. It was hard to wipe away all the good feelings from interviews that amounted to vapor. But, in the end, God has blessed me where I am. Allow me to share.

This is another situation where I started late in the year - in stark contrast to last year, I did not immediately have students my first day - I had a whole week to prepare. I wasn't thrown in a classroom with no resources - no locking cabinets to put my belongings. I wasn't expected to figure everything out haphazardly on my own and be held accountable for mistakes I didn't even know I could be making. I felt welcome and valued as a professional for the first time since leaving college.

In taking the time to let God do His work in searching out my heart, I find that it was the best time to go back to work. I have not felt anxious this year - until I was called into the principal's office and complimented in front of school leadership. While I am thankful, being so new, I want my visibility to be lower, haha. I am thankful, however, that God has given me favor again. I'm praying that this would be an excellent year for me in all the goals I have set. There is still so much to do, but God has been encouraging me, and I am so thankful for His hand on my life, despite so much messiness.

Right now, I am looking for an apartment - praying about one really. It's more expensive, but it would be good to move. I pray here and there about marriage and what the Lord's plans are for me, but it's only sporadically on the radar - a good or bad thing, I don't really know. I think my exposure to so many married people my age, especially in my church, less so in my friendships, makes my awareness about being single more acute. Maybe if I were where more singles were, I wouldn't put pressure on myself (or at least feel quite the fifteenth wheel or sore thumb). So there's that. For the most part, things are feeling very positive and I'm simply thankful to God for the opportunity of success, favor, and rest. Having lived in such a hard place, I'm enjoying my year as a teacher.

Battle of The Bulge - Not That One, This One...

In light of two posts ago, how I said that it is not surprising to the overweight, obese, and extremely obese that they need to lose weight, I thought I would share more on my current efforts.

I signed up for Medifast, which is a portion controlled meal replacement program (PCMR program) because of the success rate, the medically-based support, and the ease of use.  On the program, which I had started in August of 2010, I lost 30 lbs, which was awesome - I didn't realize how awesome it could be. Things got crazy in the Spring time of 2011, and I made a wonderfully easy excuse for going back to overeating. Since then, I've not even really struggled so much as fumbled around for motivation to make it back to the program.

Enter unemployed me in August of 2012. As I have been working on and off through the summer, purging old papers, donating old items, and basically dealing with some 26-year dysfunctions, I have been avoiding the losing weight, exercising, life-change questions. But finding that I want to explore career options that require me to keep up a healthy appearance, I cannot avoid those questions lately. Being the emotional eater that I am, it's easy to make excuses and not bother still. Add to that me not valuing certain things high on the totem pole, it's been a difficult season to motivate myself - I am keenly aware of how psyching myself out does not work and how, somehow, leads to even greater disappointment when I fail.

But, there is something I'm hyper aware of this season - not having a job lined up can seriously impact my emotions and sense of worth. And lately, I'm not keen on it causing more weight gain. Normally, I would indulge a lot more during this time, compensating for a sense of loss and blues. This time, I decided to work on discipline that I am missing. While joblessness is not great for working on financial discipline, I've outlined that and physical maintenance as two areas where I need a serious overhaul. 

After consuming all of the hoarders episodes at my disposal - both the TLC and A&E versions, I was looking for more reality and watched HEAVY (a one-season wonder from A&E) and now am watching previous seasons of Biggest Loser. While I enjoy the competition of BL, it's not realistic. What I do enjoy is the self-analysis of contestants and the ability to relate to the struggles of others. What's cool is looking at the idolatry of food in the scheme of everything else. I've had one light bulb moment, after watching the second season of BL - a woman who made a huge difference said, "Never in my life did I feel like I could have control over food." This was not an amazing statement in and of itself, but rather the difference was what I was thinking - I was not even on the food page, and while hearing her, I thought - whoa, it's about so much more than food management, but that it is a facet of it. 

When heavy people talk, it's so much about "food this" and "food that" attacking that one issue. But it really is about so much other stuff - putting your mind on other goals, making food stuff a secondary issue that simply needs to be part of another goal...somehow, I'm finding that by making food management one facet of a larger picture, I'm less compelled by it. And while you can read a book and see that, hear it and know it in your head, when it sinks in that it's about way more, you realize that it's crazy not to move past problems steeped in basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing. Heavy people like those in my circumstance are controlled by over focusing on food, whether that is to eat poorly or better. I'm finding more success in doing a plan and removing the focus on thinking about what I'm eating. I'm enjoying looking for recipes and being creative with my guidelines, and I feel less fear about what happens when I go "off of the plan" in the future because my efforts this time are less obsessed with fear about my relationship to food and more focused on where I want to be in a year or so. 

I don't want people to think that somehow this is easy, but for the first time, I feel that I am seeing beyond something, which is important for me. The worst is having patience to see results, but I already feel like inflammation in my body is down, something that makes me feel amazingly better physically. What's the most important is the diminishing fear of failure that I have and my sense of stick-tuitiveness that seem to be less perfectionistic and less all-or-nothing. That, to me, is the greatest feeling of all. 

That's it for this evening's two-post run. I'll be writing soon as I look to fill some unemployed hours, haha!

Updates, Updates, Updates...

I decided to address two posts I made a bit ago: the one about social media and the one about wading into the mire.  First, le social media.

I did deactivate for two days. Then I needed an address and email and I didn't have this chickie's cellphone number. I was so mad to reactivate because the lack of distraction was, dare I say, awesome. It was amazing - I wasn't checking my phone a zillion times. I felt calmer, I felt more relaxed, and I felt more productive and focused. Inevitably, reactivating was a small hassle and I found that I was missing events and such. I left Google+ up and Twitter because while I use them, I don't check them often.  

In the weeks after my extremely short lived exit, I have checked myself when I've gotten mad about the things I see posted. I'm certain that I have ruffled feathers with people on the things I have, being that Christian that's okay with a cocktail and a dash of sarcasm and at the same time being the one who doesn't believe in female pastors, abortion in any case, or gay marriage. I'm reminded that I can still deactivate at any time and avoid the emotions caused by others. Social media is passive, like TV, and I'm reminded about what John Piper has said about television, though I still own a 42" flat screen.  While I still post, mostly to make people chuckle or ask for prayers, I'm trying to use Facebook to actually reconnect and think about people...I mean, you know, what it actually started out being for me! 

Anywho, I'm still trying to shut off the compulsive checking, as embarrassing as it is for me to admit that I compulsively check! And so far, pretty good. Some days I post a lot (for me) and others I post less. I enjoy commenting for comedic relief, but no arguments. Alas, as I over think this here, I'm laughing at myself. Ah well, I'll continue to share links, and you know, just gonna calm it down on the smartphone end.

Second, my unemployment: I remind myself that I chose this risk. And a risk it was. And, while I could analyze and beat myself up, I'm taking the "no self-condemnation" route. I mastered that worthless skill long ago and I'm going to let God convict me, rather than taking a boxing glove to myself. I don't regret my decision aside from the occasional "I could have been a revolutionary" monologue of "you missed your chance at greatness." I am trying to kill the overachiever over-criticizer in myself, but not become a bum. You know, who wants to be a bum? And some of us overachievers think that the only other option from being an overachiever is becoming a hobo. I'm breaking the mold! I am craving balance, because while overachievers seem to accomplish a lot, I feel like people who live out moderation and balance accomplish even more. Maybe that's my perception, but they sure seem calmer! I would sacrifice some A grades for some peace, that's for sure...and I'm not even sure that I have to do that!

This job stuff has been difficult. Before this summer, I could count on one hand the times I've interviewed and not gotten the job. This summer changed all that, and let me tell you, it's hard to silence the "there's something fundamentally wrong with you" voice after so many interviews and no job offers.  What my interview calls have showed me is that my resume looks great and my answers (to app questions) on paper (where I could think them out and edit them) were stellar. That leaves my personal appearance, interview question answers, and my certification. While I know that the certification is probably the most factual problem, it's hard to not analyze answers to questions and how I looked at the interview. It's times like these where I'm overjoyed to remind myself that there are no surprises for God. He knows, foreknew, and fore-worked everything out. That is an awesome and comforting thought for a mistake-o-phobe like myself (atelophobia, fear of imperfection). Nothing like knowing God knows and knowing God has a plan.

I still have one paycheck left and still need to spend my FSA money. I'm praying that God provides in a way where I don't have to hustle (I hustled in high school - found my own work) - by this, I mean independently working, haha, not anything shady. It's hard work and you can be rather anxious wondering if jobs will come in the next week. If God leads me to start my own company, then I will, but right now, I have to eliminate serious debt. I'm proud of myself for taking a major risk - it's the first time that I feel I've owned a choice, though I have made choices in the past, of course. Perhaps that's the wrong way to word it; this is the first time I've felt that I have departed from expectations that aren't mine. I feel like I've done something despite fear, which is empowering in and of itself. I hope this week is productive and as I wait on God, I'm killing fear one decision at a time.

Not A Mystery...

I am going to address my social media post in my next post, but I'm about to explode all over this one about something else.

Just a warning - I might sound like I am whining. I might sound crazy. There. Warning issued.

Deep breath.

It is not a mystery to me that I am overweight. Not. A. Mystery. And yet somehow, people communicate to and about me as if I "don't see it." Yeah, I don't know why people think I don't know. Certainly there are people in ABSOLUTE DENIAL about how much they eat, but they still know they are overweight. I'm pretty clear on the extra, count them, 50 lbs I gained last spring because I was so depressed and angry about work-related things. I most definitely made a conscious choice, and while I'm kicking myself now, I let my anger wreak havoc on my appetite. I have to buy clothes, friends - I'm pretty sure I know.

As a side note, I know that I am having to make adjustments to get healthier because I actually feel physically crappier than ever, which wasn't so much the case in the past, so I'm going in a good direction.

But why do I hear this message about my weight constantly? Probably because I refuse to talk about dieting.   I do not want to be one of those people who talks about it for 20 years and does nothing, and I think some of the talk is fishing for compliments or inauthentically trying to psych oneself into action. I'm effectively self-critical without adding yet one more element to constantly go on about in my mind. If I do something, then I will do it. But I don't want to talk about it because it's been talked at me for years.  I really am tired of women talking about it alllllllllllll the time.

I've been in an environment with people I cannot remove from it who talk about their weight incessantly. How they look, why they are inadequate physically, and what they are going to do next is a weekly conversation. I don't want to participate because I think it's boring; I mean, I could be reading some random girl's blog on how crazy she is and feel more productive than talk about weight. But I think it is my refusal, interpreted as a personal ignorance, that communicates a message that I am somehow in denial. Oh, the gears are turning, folks, but what good does it do me to talk about it constantly? Or perhaps people want to approach the subject but feel weird, afterall, we are women, how can we not be absolutely consumed with our appearance in the culture we live in?

Let's make it clear that I know and that I often think about how I look so that no one is confused. 1) I have lived with comments about my weight in particular since first grade, and fifth grade was perhaps the ugliest time. 2) I have had every weight management program from food in pouches to surgery suggested to me - the surgery, vehemently so, and not by a doctor at that. 3) I do things where I am confronted with it all the time - like rafting and ziplining to name a few in the past month. 4) I am frequently discouraged from participating in things where my appearance is a required element to be seen and/or discussed because people seem to think I don't know that I'm judged or that I'm unprepared for the pain of rejection. 5) I tend to wear clothing that is baggier/frumpier. I can provide umpteen more, but I think this is sufficient.

Why is it that people do not believe I'm aware that I am constantly judged intentionally or unintentionally? I don't give people a hard time if they don't like the fact I'm overweight - just don't be an ass to me, that's all. And still I get reminded all the time that "it could be because you are overweight." Well, duh - I have lived with this for a LONG time. I'm sort of an expert in comments that can be made, looks that can be given, and attitudes that can be shown - as the Cracker Barrel peg game has communicated to me, I'm "purty smart." It's not even the comment about me being overweight that bugs me! It is that my intelligence is constantly insulted in that, somehow, this very large (pun may or may not be intended) part of my life has escaped my notice and that people are critical of it. Can't fix it overnight - I still want to try to live normally despite it, so I try to not create an issue if it isn't there.  And therein lies the problem - I do not want to create an issue of rejection if it does not exist. In the past, I took self-preservation to the deep end of the pool and drown in invisible "they don't like me's" for a decade.

I want people to show their true colors and me to show mine and not make them up in my head, writing their narrative for them.  Perhaps I've taken this silence too far as now others are writing my narrative for me. It's one in which I'm dumb and naive to the "ways of the world." If I've shared 5 stories of rejection, there are 5 silent ones for each that I've shared. I understand that people have good intentions, but can I please get just a little space to know things on my own? I was spanked as a kid, so I listen the first time. And no, constantly talking about weightloss does not encourage me (or I imagine many) to pursue weightloss...well, I guess if you look at it from the point that the constant chatter might end. It's a decision that we pursue on an intensely personal level because that damaged sense of worth has to be restored. Often, that level of belief isn't affected by casual comments of encouragement (or disdain) on "getting in shape" - it really repaired via act of grace that kills some lies that we tell ourselves. If you choose to be encouragement, sincerely consider your motivation, angle, and delivery. Most of us know what we are contending with - and rather than just habitual changes, we are battling ourselves the most. And sometimes it takes years.

Just thought I'd share. Some may agree, some may not, but I hope I shed some light on where I'm coming from.

Goodbye, Social Media, for A Bit

Social media is not the friend to the left out or the rejected - and yet those of us sensitive rejection and isolation, we are drawn to it like skeeters to the blue, kill-light that people hang off of their back porches. I don't wanna die because I can't back off. So, it's time.

I can't do it anymore. It's time to unplug. I have a hard time making friends as it is - I don't approach people because I have gotten BURNED in the past - as a kid, as an adult - people were outright mean and some not so outright (and trust me, I'm not over-thinking it, I'm not seeing things that are not there). Body language speaks plenty, and I can take a hint. So I'm reserved when making friends because I have a high statistical occurrence of bad experiences and first impressions. I'm usually in that sinking ship that waits for an invite. Yeah, that doesn't happen much. And while I've invited to try to offset things, I have been constantly canceled on. They aren't going to reschedule most times either - I'll have to do that, too. So, when people I consider in that more than acquaintance less than close buddy area apparently don't feel the same, I'm having a hard time reacting. I have close buddies who do it, and that's tough enough.

But social media has brought those of us strugglers to a whole new level of exclusion. It used to be that you would hear about this or that, people would talk, but you didn't have to see minute by minute tweets, status updates, photos, or videos. Now, at least with the people that you border on a closer friendship with, your absence is in your face - and it can hurt, badly.  I have those friends where it doesn't bother me a bit - the line is clear and not hurtful in the least. But, back in the day, you didn't talk about your parties, soirees, get-togethers, picnics, etc. in open company based on rules of politeness - an awareness that it might hurt people's feelings unintentionally. I'm sure some of that politeness was to preserve the appearance of kindness as well - a way to pretend you were nice when really, you could care less. Some good it did though. Things were allowed to die.

I'm finding the social networking for me, at least, is making me feel less connected, rather than more so. What an interesting effect. Seems to prove that less is more. I'm ready for more that comes by way of less.  I don't want to be a slave to being forgotten, left out, or rejected. I want to be a slave to Christ - and anything that feeds the monster that causes me to dwell on my situation, my circumstances, my hurt, my me, my me, and my me is not working toward Christlike humility. It is in fact, a form of yucky pride. I gotta kill it. And that means healing and that means not using acceptance by others to do it. It will not be easy because this desire has been there a looooong time - even before I knew Jesus, and perhaps more alarmingly, while Jesus was in the picture, continuing along in a disguise. Time to die, lie. Time to die.

Some may decry my post as a pity-party. So be it, what does that matter? It hurts and I don't know how to fix that. But I can be wise and back off from feeding the monster. I'll be available via email, text, etc. But on Friday, I will deactivate my Facebook account for as long as I need. I won't be gone forever since so many messages are communicated that way, but it's time.

Erin

techno.techie@gmail.com

(email for number - this is the internet, yo)

Leaving the Internet: A Consideration...

Before you read this post, understand that this is a brewing conviction that I have. Not one I think you should have, not one you ought to have. I will not maim you in the same way I have been maimed for the sake of Christ. And part of this has to do with my desire of preserving myself and preventing my own sin.

I am considering leaving the internet. Absurd? Of course. Plausible and doable? Yes. What do I mean? Leaving Facebook, leaving Google+, leaving Twitter, leaving blogs. Just gone. Why?

Jesus. Well, that's not explicit is it? Tonight I was reading a blog post about why not to read Fifty Shades of Skank. Yep. Did I just judge someone? Probably. Oops. What shocked me the most was not the post. The comments. Unreal. And as I logged into Facebook, I saw someone who just "looooooooves" Jesus post something undeniably problematic with the Gospel. This was not strange for them, but their brand of "take it or leave it" Scripture-ish-based world-lovin' has been driving me nuts. Did I just judge again? Oops. 

How many times have I done this? Do I want to be friends with this person? I just don't want my Christian walk to be marked by gook from the internet - and I'm friends with some Christians who love gook. I love funny things and honest things - and I will tiptoe the line of gook. But I'm thinking, I don't want to tiptoe any more. I want to really, really love Jesus in a remarkable way - and there are things I JUST HAVE TO GIVE UP. I just don't want to be mainstream and turning a blind eye to things. I also don't want to get into glowing screen to glowing screen arguments. Some people who argue do it in a way that really bring facts to light. Most just constantly "judge not lest..." others, which is my most favorite of the improperly interpreted verses by Christians dodging conviction anywhere.

I think, well, that I'm over it. I don't like seeing other Christians represent Christ that way. I don't like seeing my own behavior representing Christ that way. This has come up in conversations where I was preaching to myself about  how behavior slips as we don't watch it. There have been three very clear times where I know I just should have left a location - I didn't sin by doing something, but I did sin by not leaving. And in each of those clear times, I was left wondering, "How did I get here? This is not me or who I EVER wanted to be. How was I dragged into this???" There have been unclear times - and those you have to watch because they eventually lead to clear times. 

I think social media is becoming a clear time to me. I was good before Facebook ever shoved its book in mah face. I had a twitter before most people knew what it was - and I still think it's a "sometimes network" where I have no idea how people have THAT much time to post things. I started the blog because I wanted to share my feelings with anyone who might find themselves a 26-year-old, overweight, single virgin with the mind of a 85-year-old who has a hard time relating to her peers. I wanted those folks to know they aren't crazy. I'm here and I'm not shy and I'll try to make you laugh. But even blogs can be self-serving. I love to write. Venting has helped me articulate my thoughts for my own clarity. And while there might be zero hits or whatever they call it these days, I feel as though I've expressed it to another life form. But I can do that through prayer to a more powerful life form and know it's getting to Him. If it's God's will for me to share, then He will carve a new way or provide a new season. 

I know this post is all over the place, but I think for the sake of me not getting into internet battles over people this and me that, not getting angry about where our culture is, I need to say toodles to the internet for an indefinite amount of time. I don't know that disconnecting from Facebook is realistic (and I'm totally serious when I say this) because so much information is disseminated through it (Bible studies, church stuff, illnesses). Peeps have indicated that they missed messages because they weren't getting emailed or texted - everything was online. I don't want to abandon it completely because I know it's not the medium, it's the people using it. But I need a break (I think). The ComparisonMart that is Facebook is driving me bonkers (me = my problem). So a hiatus is abrewin'.

Maybe it's the late-night nature of the post (emotions have sharp edges at night - sleep softens them, so I read in a medical article about sleep). Maybe it's the heavy dose of fungi and garlic that were in my pasta at Carrabba's tonight. Or the sinisterly (not a word) good sweet tea with lemonade that I had. But maybe it's God telling me, "Enough." I'll be praying about whether this is God or me (it happens - because me sounds so good to me). As usual, I'm excited but doubtful of my consistency. I'm wondering if it's time though. I don't think it would do any harm and I think Jesus may just love it for me.