I'm someone who looooooooves options. I like having a choice - I love researching the options to make the best decision. But now, I'm in a place where "best" is a hard-to-place label at, well, best.
What do you mean, O Confusing One? I mean that I have TOO many. And I'm kind of laughing right now because for people who like options, normally, our response is "there are NEVER too many." The major problem that I am running into is that I can't tell the future. If I could just solve this problem, we'd be good - I could way the stats of "best decision" and go.
Why do I have options? Well, formally, officially, I no longer have a teaching position. There's a dark side to the part of me that doesn't want to quit - part of me also probably wouldn't be brave enough to leave, even though I might not like the profession, because the money does create a sense of security. I mean to say that if I were offered a contract, I would continue. It would be unwise to walk out on a guaranteed position, no matter the difficulty or the infeasability of continuing my adult education at the same time.
What's convenient about my non-renewal is that I have no choice but to at least start planning for elsewhere. What's convenient is that my "no" is said for me. It's just like any convenient excuse - where you wouldn't say something, though you might be dying to, but all of a sudden, something happens, and the message you wanted to convey is conveyed without you getting your hands dirty.
That's to say, I don't want to leave - but getting my certification would be cheaper if I did it all at one school and got my masters as well. And I'm enrolled at two universities. I can't imagine staying two years in a program without getting my higher level degree. But I think it's also stupid for me to student teach if I go full time. And what if education doesn't pick up for YEARS? I dunno...I have major decisions to make.
At this point, I reflect on my true dream - full-time ministry and travel. I know that I want to be in vocational ministry. I felt like God said to me when I interned for a year at a college ministry that my job was to be the iron that sharpens iron. It wasn't evangelism or healing or such. But doesn't this imply teaching? Maybe I heard wrong. I wouldn't put it past myself.
I'm kind of at a loss, again. Seminary? Graduate school? What am I doing??? Who does He want me to be??? What should I order at Starbucks??? (Okay, not that one...) But joking aside, whatever indecision lies at the heart of me is frustrating - what's the plan? Why do I feel like I am on someone else's timeframe and not my own?
Perhaps my problem lies where it always seems to lurk...at the beginning. Fräulein Maria told the Von Trapp kids, "Let's start at the very beginning...it's a very good place to start". Yeah, well if you don't know how to or what the start is or what you should start, that song is rather depressing (not really, but I will take issue with the good fräulein later). The mechanics of WHERE to start kill me...but I think I might list the things that I like in life. Maybe that will prove to be of some inspiration.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Worst in me...
I went into work today wondering at how my job brings out the worst in me. I have had all of my impatience exposed, yelled with no results, and feel like I have accomplished nothing (though some things have been accomplished). And I feel sad and like a failure.
It made me ask the question: is it best to work at a place where you are challenged to modify your character, feeling like the worst of you is being smushed out, or is it better to work where your strengths shine, your weaknesses are minimized and you love it all the time? I know that God has his purposes - and there's nothing so depressing as totally tanking at a job you thought you'd be good at. As a tutor, I have ridiculous patience. As a teacher, I have little to none. With the prospect of losing my job, I don't want to lose it feeling like I don't have another chance to try it out again, applying what I have learned and starting over. I hate feeling like a quitter. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. But the very great chasm of public education is saddening.
I want to believe that God is so big that each and every one of my students can make it in the same semester, in the same year. But there is so much sin in our world - what has happened to my students in their home life, at school, with friends, on the field - there's so much damage - so many things were done wrong. So much is irreversible. But I BELIEVE that God is merciful and good. I wish I had prayed more. I wish I had been more vigilant about being patient. I wish I had not been so short tempered. I wish I had loved it all as much as I thought I would. I wish I could have fixed what was broken in their lives. I wish I could have made them want to learn. I wish I could have made them want to be fixed. I wish they would have eyes for seeing. I wish they would have had ears for hearing. I wish they would have known and believed that I pulled for them. I wish they had known that I bent over backwards trying to get them through. I wish...I wish...I wish. I wonder at the amazing patience of the Lord through my stubbornness, my own obstinate nature, my own selfishness, my unwillingness to learn. And I wonder at how I can make Christ's behavior, attitude, love, correction, patience, peace, gentleness, self-control my own.
If I have trouble being a sinner teaching sinners, I cannot imagine what God feels -the mix of emotions all in perfect balance, perfect expression, perfect harmony. I am at a loss for comprehension. But when I allow God to invade the complaints my brain, I am humbled, and simply without words but for the praise for Him who knew me when I was yet a sinner. All I can do is admit that I am so out of my element, so completely inept, so ill-prepared, and so poorly wired that I am utterly reliant on God. My desperation is beyond even what I have known. It's all in a shambles. I just need a rescuer...a Savior.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Lots of Repentance...
A couple of nights ago, the lows started to strike me - just feeling down, sad, etc. In short, I was feeling like many, many things were wrong in my life. And they are. And I just was on my knees, with some tears. And I started praying for my own repentance.
I decided after I prayed to write down things in my journal - and I feel like I had a real breakthrough. There are four areas where I simply want to repent - in the caring of my body as the Holy Temple, in the caring of my household chores, in managing my finances, and in meeting with the Lord on an EXTREMELY regular daily basis. I began writing about why I hadn't addressed this with the Lord, knowing that these had been regular, habitual problems.
And as I was writing, I knew why. I thought they were selfish things to ask for/ ask for help for. That may sound crazy, but I felt like asking for them would be focusing on me, and I was so under the pressure to not ask for those things - and they are VERY important to the individual health of a person. But for that reason - that they specifically relate to me - I found it not right to ask. I often feel terrible for asking - I feel like a burden, but really, I am burning inside to be reached out to. And that's hard, because people DO treat people like burdens. Then they say they are willing to help and go the extra mile. And the talking out of two sides of the mouth drives a person like me nuts.
I can attribute this to the passive aggression that still lingers in the fringe of my person - much of it was eradicated by the first experiential event that God did in my life for me alone. But I've been treating God like I treat most people - lack of intimacy, lack of really letting Him (and even myself) know the real burdens and the real problems in my heart, hiding behind the guise of it being a selfish thing to admit or seek help for. But the reality is something much more painful... it's more along the lines of not feeling like I am allowed to ask, along the lines of "what bothers me the most and what needs to be fixed the most desperately" is not worthy of voicing and seeking remedy. But it's made me out of control, especially emotionally. I am having to confront the fact that I don't even open up with God, I'm so far under a bondage of "can't ask because it's selfish", but then selfishness, because it's not so easily silenced, seeps out in other ways... I wouldn't put it past me to credit myself with caring for others because I stifle the most important part of myself - how I'm really feeling. And it does feel VERY good for me to serve when I do serve (though I often feel like people don't want me in their lives, to tell the truth). So I really do receive a benefit since it's not quite a sacrifice of time or effort - I feel built to do it. But I do stifle the emotions. Where I get this, I have no clue. My mom isn't like that - not nearly. I think my dad might be - but when you are like that, your tendency is to gossip because you can't stifle the emotions forever. But you won't talk to the person directly. DANGER. So, I am starting with this very small, but important, step of repenting for how bad I've let it get. I'm asking boldly, approaching the throne of grace with boldness, anticipating that the Lord will meet me with grace as I serve Him in faith through obedience. It goes so far against the grain of my original fallen thought, that I think this will be a longer process, but I welcome it. I need the help.
I decided after I prayed to write down things in my journal - and I feel like I had a real breakthrough. There are four areas where I simply want to repent - in the caring of my body as the Holy Temple, in the caring of my household chores, in managing my finances, and in meeting with the Lord on an EXTREMELY regular daily basis. I began writing about why I hadn't addressed this with the Lord, knowing that these had been regular, habitual problems.
And as I was writing, I knew why. I thought they were selfish things to ask for/ ask for help for. That may sound crazy, but I felt like asking for them would be focusing on me, and I was so under the pressure to not ask for those things - and they are VERY important to the individual health of a person. But for that reason - that they specifically relate to me - I found it not right to ask. I often feel terrible for asking - I feel like a burden, but really, I am burning inside to be reached out to. And that's hard, because people DO treat people like burdens. Then they say they are willing to help and go the extra mile. And the talking out of two sides of the mouth drives a person like me nuts.
I can attribute this to the passive aggression that still lingers in the fringe of my person - much of it was eradicated by the first experiential event that God did in my life for me alone. But I've been treating God like I treat most people - lack of intimacy, lack of really letting Him (and even myself) know the real burdens and the real problems in my heart, hiding behind the guise of it being a selfish thing to admit or seek help for. But the reality is something much more painful... it's more along the lines of not feeling like I am allowed to ask, along the lines of "what bothers me the most and what needs to be fixed the most desperately" is not worthy of voicing and seeking remedy. But it's made me out of control, especially emotionally. I am having to confront the fact that I don't even open up with God, I'm so far under a bondage of "can't ask because it's selfish", but then selfishness, because it's not so easily silenced, seeps out in other ways... I wouldn't put it past me to credit myself with caring for others because I stifle the most important part of myself - how I'm really feeling. And it does feel VERY good for me to serve when I do serve (though I often feel like people don't want me in their lives, to tell the truth). So I really do receive a benefit since it's not quite a sacrifice of time or effort - I feel built to do it. But I do stifle the emotions. Where I get this, I have no clue. My mom isn't like that - not nearly. I think my dad might be - but when you are like that, your tendency is to gossip because you can't stifle the emotions forever. But you won't talk to the person directly. DANGER. So, I am starting with this very small, but important, step of repenting for how bad I've let it get. I'm asking boldly, approaching the throne of grace with boldness, anticipating that the Lord will meet me with grace as I serve Him in faith through obedience. It goes so far against the grain of my original fallen thought, that I think this will be a longer process, but I welcome it. I need the help.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Waiting: a non-guide for the impatient...
How Not to Wait
By: Erin Milligan
1. Wonder "what if" over the same situation over and over again, with the same variables over and over again, running the same stats, playing the same game over and over again, learning no new information, and simply doing it all...over and over again.
2. Ask for prayer...again...again...and...again...gaining no new information, simply reminding yourself that God is the same, now, again, forever, realizing that you might as well wait because that's what God wants you to do because your deal isn't fearing the future, is more like knowing it now so that your busy gears can start turning again because you don't know how to stop the madness of the mathematics of your mind from mulling over minutiae.
3. Get yourself LOTS of down time where you aren't busy and you can just have imaginary conversations, make imaginary "what if" plans, and waste very REAL time when you could be cleaning your room (which should probably be featured on the TLC show "Hoarders" because it's just that much a mess) or you could be grading that mountain of papers, or learning how to bake a Chocolate flan that you saw the really cute little Mexican girl on the food network make (and you like chocolate better than regular vanilla flan, because who doesn't like chocolate??). Make sure you aren't accomplishing anything important - that is the real sign of having mastered 3.
4. Talk AD NAUSEUM about the situation you are faced with, adding no new information, learning no new advice, just chattering and prattling away about nothing, again, not doing the month's worth of laundry that has been in a pile, now a small tribute to Kennesaw Mountain (and little Kennesaw), that's on the floor of all 3 rooms of the house that you occupy. Make sure to preach to the choir - accomplishing REALLY nothing, just violently agreeing.
5. Think of non-things to do, non-people to talk to, non-food to eat, etc. instead of moving your college items from the garage to the basement (where they belong), because they have made a nice aparment out of the garage. Invent new tasks, new things to buy, get a new bee in your bonnet, like going to IKEA because you need to look for "x". In general, a good rule is to create new and useless tasks, etc. to continue on with. Make sure to convince yourself of things that you don't need.
6. Lament the beautiful day, saying to yourself that you really love nature, beauty, and photography, and puppies, and rainbows, and kitties and that you MUST not waste the day inside (though you might play farmville or mafia wars inside). Make sure to deny your allergy to mosquitos that leaves you with welts the size of quarters and your incessant sneezing when microscopic elements of God's creativity infultrate your fallen-world nose. Make sure to feel deep things, and think deep things, convincing yourself that this is of much GREATER import than the fact that your taxes are not yet filed, and you really could use that cash.
7. Use God as an excuse to avoid...God. Have a crisis of needing to "be with the Lord" which entails "battling through your same questions" as opposed to tackling the now, very obvious lack of practicality that has struct your young, 24 and 1/2 year old life with not quite a shock 'cause it's been there all along and it's probably causing the crisis, if there really is one (and there could be), in the first place. Make sure to get lost (without a map) in deep thoughts that have the power to overwhelm and immobilize you into inaction, making sure to perpetuate the drama, so that a sense of depth, worth, breadth, and feeling is felt, thought through, agonized over, and still not fixed. The point is to draw it out...then have a sense of accomplishment after conquering what is, merely a problem with having too much stuff, too many hobbies, and organizing that into one tiny closet, that problem that you have turned into a personality disorder (in your own understanding), when really, about a week would get you organized and set.
This is how you flounder. I hope it made more than just me chuckle. When I've overloaded my plate, bit off more than I can chew, and then some of those things are done and gone, I realize I'm empowered to do what I need (and honestly, want) to get done. I just thought to write a little characature of myself - because I sometimes take myself too seriously. Bless and praise the Lord for simple tasks to accomplish and the peace that the mundane chores of the house sometimes provide the overthought, the overwrought, the overworked, and the overrested. He is good, and many times, I am silly. And ALL the time, I need to clean my room.
By: Erin Milligan
1. Wonder "what if" over the same situation over and over again, with the same variables over and over again, running the same stats, playing the same game over and over again, learning no new information, and simply doing it all...over and over again.
2. Ask for prayer...again...again...and...again...gaining no new information, simply reminding yourself that God is the same, now, again, forever, realizing that you might as well wait because that's what God wants you to do because your deal isn't fearing the future, is more like knowing it now so that your busy gears can start turning again because you don't know how to stop the madness of the mathematics of your mind from mulling over minutiae.
3. Get yourself LOTS of down time where you aren't busy and you can just have imaginary conversations, make imaginary "what if" plans, and waste very REAL time when you could be cleaning your room (which should probably be featured on the TLC show "Hoarders" because it's just that much a mess) or you could be grading that mountain of papers, or learning how to bake a Chocolate flan that you saw the really cute little Mexican girl on the food network make (and you like chocolate better than regular vanilla flan, because who doesn't like chocolate??). Make sure you aren't accomplishing anything important - that is the real sign of having mastered 3.
4. Talk AD NAUSEUM about the situation you are faced with, adding no new information, learning no new advice, just chattering and prattling away about nothing, again, not doing the month's worth of laundry that has been in a pile, now a small tribute to Kennesaw Mountain (and little Kennesaw), that's on the floor of all 3 rooms of the house that you occupy. Make sure to preach to the choir - accomplishing REALLY nothing, just violently agreeing.
5. Think of non-things to do, non-people to talk to, non-food to eat, etc. instead of moving your college items from the garage to the basement (where they belong), because they have made a nice aparment out of the garage. Invent new tasks, new things to buy, get a new bee in your bonnet, like going to IKEA because you need to look for "x". In general, a good rule is to create new and useless tasks, etc. to continue on with. Make sure to convince yourself of things that you don't need.
6. Lament the beautiful day, saying to yourself that you really love nature, beauty, and photography, and puppies, and rainbows, and kitties and that you MUST not waste the day inside (though you might play farmville or mafia wars inside). Make sure to deny your allergy to mosquitos that leaves you with welts the size of quarters and your incessant sneezing when microscopic elements of God's creativity infultrate your fallen-world nose. Make sure to feel deep things, and think deep things, convincing yourself that this is of much GREATER import than the fact that your taxes are not yet filed, and you really could use that cash.
7. Use God as an excuse to avoid...God. Have a crisis of needing to "be with the Lord" which entails "battling through your same questions" as opposed to tackling the now, very obvious lack of practicality that has struct your young, 24 and 1/2 year old life with not quite a shock 'cause it's been there all along and it's probably causing the crisis, if there really is one (and there could be), in the first place. Make sure to get lost (without a map) in deep thoughts that have the power to overwhelm and immobilize you into inaction, making sure to perpetuate the drama, so that a sense of depth, worth, breadth, and feeling is felt, thought through, agonized over, and still not fixed. The point is to draw it out...then have a sense of accomplishment after conquering what is, merely a problem with having too much stuff, too many hobbies, and organizing that into one tiny closet, that problem that you have turned into a personality disorder (in your own understanding), when really, about a week would get you organized and set.
This is how you flounder. I hope it made more than just me chuckle. When I've overloaded my plate, bit off more than I can chew, and then some of those things are done and gone, I realize I'm empowered to do what I need (and honestly, want) to get done. I just thought to write a little characature of myself - because I sometimes take myself too seriously. Bless and praise the Lord for simple tasks to accomplish and the peace that the mundane chores of the house sometimes provide the overthought, the overwrought, the overworked, and the overrested. He is good, and many times, I am silly. And ALL the time, I need to clean my room.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Controlled chaos...
What a week - I haven't written in a long while because I've been finishing up my graduate classes for the semester, along with grading, dealing with parents, tutoring, crying, praying, reading, not-sleeping, farmville, mafia wars...lol.
This past week has been a challenge for sure. With the real possibility of losing the job that God gave me, I have been in many places emotionally, except scared. Something have happened, somethings have been said, and for the first time in a LONG while I have felt angry (something specific has made me mad the past 3 or so days). But I won't go into that because I just want to write about something else.
First things: I don't feel scared about my job. God will provide. I say this, and people misunderstand when I say that He will provide. One of my besetting sins is slowbedience in terms of honoring my word to myself (and to others). If I feel worried even a little (imagine what it's like when it's full-blown anxiety), I freeze, I panic, and I sit in the pool of doubts and immobilization. To put my concerns, fears, hopes, aspirations on the alter of sacrifice to the Lord, saying that He is in control, I nearly immediately feel empowered to work, to search out my options, to forsake fear, and to make a plan that allows plenty of room for God to step in - there is a God-sized hole in any plan that I make. It's His plan, I'm simply walking in faith that He will providentially meet me with an answer as I'm moving by the power of the Unseen Spirit. Many people perceive my words that "I'm trusting in God" to mean that I am going to sit around and wait on God, when in reality, if I were paralyzed by fear and worry, doubt and misery, I would be immobile. Some people are very motivated by fear and begin furiously working out something because there isn't a net - I'm not one of those at all - my mom could tell you - I've been a chronic procrastinator since the day I came into the world, over 20 hours in labor...
I say this because I want there to be no misunderstanding as to the point about me having rose-colored glasses. In fact, those who know me best (my family), would probably call me very negative and pessimistic (though I maintain that I am "realistic"). I am probably going to say the glass is half-empty - it's my nature, I want to strive for better. So if i tell you, I'm looking to the Lord for His answer on the future, don't think that the gears aren't turning furiously like a clock wound tightly. I am the way He made me.
Second, and this is hard for me to say because it is so personal to my heart, I have really started praying that the Lord provide me with a husband to serve. I had initially been praying for him as if he were out there, and I just didn't know him yet, but I think it's better not to assume and just ask - I almost feel like the Holy Spirit corrected the way that I had been praying. In praying this, I feel like I have been in preparation mode. The past two weeks, I've been taking care of personal house-keeping - things like making sure that I take care of my health, then my living space, my responsibilities (like the bills, my duties at school - doing things in a timely manner, grading, endeavoring to improve my teaching skills), then growing with the Lord. I feel the biggest hurdle I face is losing 90 lbs. Yep - that's the number that looms in the future. It's funny, normally I'd have some shame saying it, but seeing as I am out for some prayer, and satan ain't got nothin' on me if I ain't got nothin' to hide, I'm just gonna throw it out there.
I went to the doctor, and there really isn't anything wrong besides the fact I need to be out in the sun to get some viatamin D. My cholesterol, hormones, viatamins, blood pressure are excellent, in the words of the doctor. I've got my dad's mom's goooooooood genes. The only issue is the weight, which is more emotional than anything. And in all the time that I have been overweight, I've tried to figure out what was wrong. In looking back at photographs, I realized that my perception was NOT reality - I really wasn't ALWAYS fat...but a few snide remarks from nasty classmates will trigger anyone's perception meter to point in the extreme section of the gauge. And I think that's what gave me the perception. Trying to figure out how it got there has been the biggest fit. A lot of times, if I know the root, I'm fixed - knowing the truth sets me free, but man, of all of them, this has been the biggest mystery in terms of "where it all started". Now, peeps may say that "you should get over having to know". And I would say respect the process of growth - I'm going somewhere, just slowly - speak up when I stop moving, but just saying "get over it" doesn't help anyone get better. I welcome wisdom and insight, but simple statements and catchphrases will be round-filed into the cliche-bin until they become relevant by transforming truth (which I really feel is ONLY a work done by and reserved for the Holy Spirit). All this to say, in asking for a husband, serving him when he's not here, I figure, will serve to help serve him better when he is. And I think that might start with taking care of what God has given me stewardship over. In looking over it, I think I've handled those things poorly, which is not how I want to treat and serve another person - if we're supposed to be "one flesh" and I start treating him how I treat the other things I steward (like my personhood, my body, my space, my job, my duties), I'll not be honoring the Lord - I'll get careless with him like I'm careless with me, because I will see it like "he is me" and I don't do well right now "as me".
I use the word "stewardship" because if I say "I need to take care of myself" I won't do it; it will sound too much to like self-help, which reminds me too much of self-worship. If I look at it like I have a responsibility to God to do these things (which, I do, being that I'm called to honor the Holy Temple that is the body, serve others as if I were serving God [according to Paul], and steward my finances well), I'm more likely to maintain a conviction, rather than a whiney "poor me, woe to all I have to do" attitude. So if there's anyone who reads this, your prayers are coveted.
On a side note, I have been praying against praying for a husband out of idleness. Now, I know that praying can't be wrong, but you know, the rehearsing of words, and things over our minds and hearts can captivate our attention to the detriment of our walk with Christ - this is NOT what I want. If anything, Christ is who I desire to remain at the center, though I might at times get distracted. I am really praying and asking the Lord if now is the right time to start asking. My chief desire is to honor and glorify Him in all things - the principal reason for me to get married - really the only reason I would desire to be in my heart - would be to further glorify the Lord. So, if you pray, please do pray His will. Oh, how I love Him, and how He is the only One that matters.
This past week has been a challenge for sure. With the real possibility of losing the job that God gave me, I have been in many places emotionally, except scared. Something have happened, somethings have been said, and for the first time in a LONG while I have felt angry (something specific has made me mad the past 3 or so days). But I won't go into that because I just want to write about something else.
First things: I don't feel scared about my job. God will provide. I say this, and people misunderstand when I say that He will provide. One of my besetting sins is slowbedience in terms of honoring my word to myself (and to others). If I feel worried even a little (imagine what it's like when it's full-blown anxiety), I freeze, I panic, and I sit in the pool of doubts and immobilization. To put my concerns, fears, hopes, aspirations on the alter of sacrifice to the Lord, saying that He is in control, I nearly immediately feel empowered to work, to search out my options, to forsake fear, and to make a plan that allows plenty of room for God to step in - there is a God-sized hole in any plan that I make. It's His plan, I'm simply walking in faith that He will providentially meet me with an answer as I'm moving by the power of the Unseen Spirit. Many people perceive my words that "I'm trusting in God" to mean that I am going to sit around and wait on God, when in reality, if I were paralyzed by fear and worry, doubt and misery, I would be immobile. Some people are very motivated by fear and begin furiously working out something because there isn't a net - I'm not one of those at all - my mom could tell you - I've been a chronic procrastinator since the day I came into the world, over 20 hours in labor...
I say this because I want there to be no misunderstanding as to the point about me having rose-colored glasses. In fact, those who know me best (my family), would probably call me very negative and pessimistic (though I maintain that I am "realistic"). I am probably going to say the glass is half-empty - it's my nature, I want to strive for better. So if i tell you, I'm looking to the Lord for His answer on the future, don't think that the gears aren't turning furiously like a clock wound tightly. I am the way He made me.
Second, and this is hard for me to say because it is so personal to my heart, I have really started praying that the Lord provide me with a husband to serve. I had initially been praying for him as if he were out there, and I just didn't know him yet, but I think it's better not to assume and just ask - I almost feel like the Holy Spirit corrected the way that I had been praying. In praying this, I feel like I have been in preparation mode. The past two weeks, I've been taking care of personal house-keeping - things like making sure that I take care of my health, then my living space, my responsibilities (like the bills, my duties at school - doing things in a timely manner, grading, endeavoring to improve my teaching skills), then growing with the Lord. I feel the biggest hurdle I face is losing 90 lbs. Yep - that's the number that looms in the future. It's funny, normally I'd have some shame saying it, but seeing as I am out for some prayer, and satan ain't got nothin' on me if I ain't got nothin' to hide, I'm just gonna throw it out there.
I went to the doctor, and there really isn't anything wrong besides the fact I need to be out in the sun to get some viatamin D. My cholesterol, hormones, viatamins, blood pressure are excellent, in the words of the doctor. I've got my dad's mom's goooooooood genes. The only issue is the weight, which is more emotional than anything. And in all the time that I have been overweight, I've tried to figure out what was wrong. In looking back at photographs, I realized that my perception was NOT reality - I really wasn't ALWAYS fat...but a few snide remarks from nasty classmates will trigger anyone's perception meter to point in the extreme section of the gauge. And I think that's what gave me the perception. Trying to figure out how it got there has been the biggest fit. A lot of times, if I know the root, I'm fixed - knowing the truth sets me free, but man, of all of them, this has been the biggest mystery in terms of "where it all started". Now, peeps may say that "you should get over having to know". And I would say respect the process of growth - I'm going somewhere, just slowly - speak up when I stop moving, but just saying "get over it" doesn't help anyone get better. I welcome wisdom and insight, but simple statements and catchphrases will be round-filed into the cliche-bin until they become relevant by transforming truth (which I really feel is ONLY a work done by and reserved for the Holy Spirit). All this to say, in asking for a husband, serving him when he's not here, I figure, will serve to help serve him better when he is. And I think that might start with taking care of what God has given me stewardship over. In looking over it, I think I've handled those things poorly, which is not how I want to treat and serve another person - if we're supposed to be "one flesh" and I start treating him how I treat the other things I steward (like my personhood, my body, my space, my job, my duties), I'll not be honoring the Lord - I'll get careless with him like I'm careless with me, because I will see it like "he is me" and I don't do well right now "as me".
I use the word "stewardship" because if I say "I need to take care of myself" I won't do it; it will sound too much to like self-help, which reminds me too much of self-worship. If I look at it like I have a responsibility to God to do these things (which, I do, being that I'm called to honor the Holy Temple that is the body, serve others as if I were serving God [according to Paul], and steward my finances well), I'm more likely to maintain a conviction, rather than a whiney "poor me, woe to all I have to do" attitude. So if there's anyone who reads this, your prayers are coveted.
On a side note, I have been praying against praying for a husband out of idleness. Now, I know that praying can't be wrong, but you know, the rehearsing of words, and things over our minds and hearts can captivate our attention to the detriment of our walk with Christ - this is NOT what I want. If anything, Christ is who I desire to remain at the center, though I might at times get distracted. I am really praying and asking the Lord if now is the right time to start asking. My chief desire is to honor and glorify Him in all things - the principal reason for me to get married - really the only reason I would desire to be in my heart - would be to further glorify the Lord. So, if you pray, please do pray His will. Oh, how I love Him, and how He is the only One that matters.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Realities...
Haven't written in a long time. Confession - I feel very depressed. I feel overwhelmed. I feel aimless.
There's nothing like feeling aimless when there is SO MUCH TO DO. I feel like I need something really BIG to look forward to. But I don't want to have a whine fest, just want to tell it like I'm feeling it.
I had a GREAT time in San Antonio, despite some minor irritations at things that they said from time to time. All I can say is that a blanket and atmosphere of grace covers my remembrances of last week and God was so gracious and merciful. Thank you to those of you who prayed - tears come to my eyes at the debt of gratitude that I have to you all for your generous words, love and support. Your love and the love of our Father in heaven enabled me to love them better than I have ever felt. Thank you.
I'm sure that the firestorm that I created did not go unnoticed. In talking with a close friend in my life, I have vacillated between whether or not it was a good decision to be as open as I was. It's foolish to regret what I cannot change, but certainly, I can hear wisdom when she is calling in the streets. At the same time, I don't feel terribly bad because what the negative response I received was an overreacted backlash. I told my friend that I know that part of me is rebelling (and I'm not terribly rebellious) against the hidden nature of what I knew growing up. So much was kept away from light, and it was exposed in hideous ways when my parents divorced. If I can confess things before the evil one has an opportunity to use truth that way, I will do it. I had pretending like things are okay; I hate hiding, though things needn't be exposed to EVERYONE.
So, if I hurt people, I am sorry. I am still young - though that is not an excuse because I can choose to know better and do better. In addition, my desire was to help others to pray better and specifically. And I do not want shame to have a stronghold in my life. It has had one before, and I don't want it to happen again. It was in the interests of extreme love, not extreme slander, but I don't anticipate that this will be understood, sadly, by the people who matter to me the most. I will continue to pray and to love, but I cannot shy away from truth and reality in the interests of minimizing the real feelings of sadness, sorrow, loss, pain, and growth. I am thankful to the Lord for graciously teaching me, and I pray for the reconciliation of things, whether that be now, or something to be seen in eternity. But for now, I can be wiser about how open I am, and do things more carefully. As far as it goes for me, I will continue to share MYSELF openly.
I am asking you for your prayers. I will go to the neurologist in the next three weeks. Some of you know, many don't, about teeth chattering. I have had a tremor in my jaw for the past year. I can only control it to some degree, but it causes my eyes, facial muscles and head to move involuntarily. I don't know what caused it - I prayed pretty intensely during December 2008 and January 2009 - to the point where I was stressing myself out physically. I can "move" the tremor to my hands, once felt it in my shoulders. It's a scary thing, not knowing, not having known. Now that I have insurance, I'm thankful that I can get things straightened out. But it will be a little nerve-wracking. Pardon the pun. I'm going to be hopeful for the next few months for what is to come and what the Lord will do.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Of hard things and prayer...
I finally have an opportunity to sit down and write things - some from what's going on now, and something from a continuation of a couple of posts ago.
First things first.
As I have prayed for my grandpeople, I have found that their hearts are harder than ever - or perhaps, I'm just seeing what those hearts look like exposed. I quote, "I wish you would stop talking about that stuff - Lee HATES it, I HATE it." Mind you, my speech is saturated with God now to the point I don't realize it - and I don't watch it. I used to - I used to feel weird talking, but God did, what I would call, a hidden work in me. The change was so gradual through high school and college that I didn't realize it until I slowed down last year and thought about the journey that it has been. God was in my life in those earlier years, but so much more have the things of His glory and truth saturated me (and things that come out of me) that I don't realize it.
Did I say anything about Jesus? No. Until last night, I had said nothing, but Four Points, the people there, my mom, my Heavenly Father - they are REAL parts of my life. And my grandpeople, they don't want me to talk about it at all. Simple fact for her: she doesn't want anyone to "tell her what to do." We had what was the closest heart to heart that we possibly have ever had - but they aren't possible without the "aid" of certain liberating "substances." It's an "in" though - I managed to share some, but so hard, so full of pride, and so self-assured in a correct estimation of EVERYTHING she was. And dad always comes up, so does mom.
Parents - if I can give you one piece of advice - and I am going to say this as hard as I can, with as many needles as possible so that it really pokes: do not talk and complain about your spouse to anyone besides them. If you are so cowardly as to talk to EVERYONE but them, you need some maturity: grow up and quit worrying about what people think about you. Talk to them, you cobarde. Because there are people who use that as ammunition - it may be a cliche to say this, but I don't care: you really can demonize a person, and you ought not to. Those people who are simply looking for an excuse to throw them under the bus CAN and WILL when it suits their purposes for shifting blame.
He is a retired golf pro, so we watched the press conference with Tiger Woods. The last time I stayed a week with them, it was a week after my parents decided to separate. Yeah, that was fun. Then I get to watch this with them - Tiger taking responsibility, but then hearing about my dad and how my mom also is at fault (then I defend her and marriage), then there's talk of this that or the other about dad. I mean, there is damage. This family needs healing, it needs forgiveness, it needs a SAVIOR. But, she out and out rejects it - they have lived the "American Dream" their kids are "good kids" (nevermind the REAL junk - and I mean, REAL - I won't get into it here because there are some things I do want to protect). She's moral, she's lived "right."
Yeah, but for me, it's not enough. For me, no, it's not a crutch, it's not about feeling "good" or "comfort." It's not about being "right" - it's about truth and no falsehood. It's about deep love, and not good feelings. It's about taking responsibility, not abdicating it.
It will be a work of the Holy Spirit if this comes to pass. I cannot deny that I have had the feeling of giving up, or of letting my heart harden toward them. Of saying to myself, "the Lord opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" and ending it there. But is that not proud, too? Then I read James 5:11, which says "behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful." The NIV uses the phrase, "we consider blessed those who perservered." Will I?
My greatest fear is that I would pray and pray and love and love, and it would yield me nothing. Funny that I mention this - when I wrote the last post, asking for prayer, a good week after the retreat, I said a silent prayer in a silent breath as I clicked the post button "Lord, please do not let Your Word return void to You." After posting, I opened the bible to a tiny card in it. At the retreat, we were asked to put our fears or requests on these cards - one or a few that we knew were on our heart or mind - something the Lord had showed us that weekend. I opened to the one that read "dad's, nina's, and poo-poo's salvation" - I had simply placed it "wherever" in my Bible. On the page where their card was Isaiah 55, in which are verses 10-11, "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven / and do not return there but water the earth, / making it bring forth and sprout, / giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, / so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth, / it shall not return to me empty, / but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, / and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."
Because I had just posted that request, and "happened" to put that card there, "happened" to say that tiny, tiny, prayer, then opened to the card that really mattered, and read the verse (the location of which, I had no idea), I simply cried. All over again. And it's hard not to now, even though I'm sitting in the San Antonio startbucks.
Please continue to pray. God enabled me to come here - pay day was last wednesday, Chicago was canceled, and I was led. And I am met with bondage, brokenness, and nothing but what a Savior could do. Please pray that I don't get discouraged - that I love more, and not less. Please let Christ bug the hell (literally) out of them. I need a Pauline, C.S. Lewi-sh conversion. If I love them, does not God love them more? I want my parents to reconcile, even, just to spite them and their worldliness, to spite the evil one. What better way to spite evil than with good? Darkness than with light? Strife with peace? Pray that I would be salt and light. Pray that love abouds and softens hearts as hard as stones. Please join this war effort. It will only add to the Lord's glory - and that is the call of our lives, right? To add to his reknown.
First things first.
As I have prayed for my grandpeople, I have found that their hearts are harder than ever - or perhaps, I'm just seeing what those hearts look like exposed. I quote, "I wish you would stop talking about that stuff - Lee HATES it, I HATE it." Mind you, my speech is saturated with God now to the point I don't realize it - and I don't watch it. I used to - I used to feel weird talking, but God did, what I would call, a hidden work in me. The change was so gradual through high school and college that I didn't realize it until I slowed down last year and thought about the journey that it has been. God was in my life in those earlier years, but so much more have the things of His glory and truth saturated me (and things that come out of me) that I don't realize it.
Did I say anything about Jesus? No. Until last night, I had said nothing, but Four Points, the people there, my mom, my Heavenly Father - they are REAL parts of my life. And my grandpeople, they don't want me to talk about it at all. Simple fact for her: she doesn't want anyone to "tell her what to do." We had what was the closest heart to heart that we possibly have ever had - but they aren't possible without the "aid" of certain liberating "substances." It's an "in" though - I managed to share some, but so hard, so full of pride, and so self-assured in a correct estimation of EVERYTHING she was. And dad always comes up, so does mom.
Parents - if I can give you one piece of advice - and I am going to say this as hard as I can, with as many needles as possible so that it really pokes: do not talk and complain about your spouse to anyone besides them. If you are so cowardly as to talk to EVERYONE but them, you need some maturity: grow up and quit worrying about what people think about you. Talk to them, you cobarde. Because there are people who use that as ammunition - it may be a cliche to say this, but I don't care: you really can demonize a person, and you ought not to. Those people who are simply looking for an excuse to throw them under the bus CAN and WILL when it suits their purposes for shifting blame.
He is a retired golf pro, so we watched the press conference with Tiger Woods. The last time I stayed a week with them, it was a week after my parents decided to separate. Yeah, that was fun. Then I get to watch this with them - Tiger taking responsibility, but then hearing about my dad and how my mom also is at fault (then I defend her and marriage), then there's talk of this that or the other about dad. I mean, there is damage. This family needs healing, it needs forgiveness, it needs a SAVIOR. But, she out and out rejects it - they have lived the "American Dream" their kids are "good kids" (nevermind the REAL junk - and I mean, REAL - I won't get into it here because there are some things I do want to protect). She's moral, she's lived "right."
Yeah, but for me, it's not enough. For me, no, it's not a crutch, it's not about feeling "good" or "comfort." It's not about being "right" - it's about truth and no falsehood. It's about deep love, and not good feelings. It's about taking responsibility, not abdicating it.
It will be a work of the Holy Spirit if this comes to pass. I cannot deny that I have had the feeling of giving up, or of letting my heart harden toward them. Of saying to myself, "the Lord opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" and ending it there. But is that not proud, too? Then I read James 5:11, which says "behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful." The NIV uses the phrase, "we consider blessed those who perservered." Will I?
My greatest fear is that I would pray and pray and love and love, and it would yield me nothing. Funny that I mention this - when I wrote the last post, asking for prayer, a good week after the retreat, I said a silent prayer in a silent breath as I clicked the post button "Lord, please do not let Your Word return void to You." After posting, I opened the bible to a tiny card in it. At the retreat, we were asked to put our fears or requests on these cards - one or a few that we knew were on our heart or mind - something the Lord had showed us that weekend. I opened to the one that read "dad's, nina's, and poo-poo's salvation" - I had simply placed it "wherever" in my Bible. On the page where their card was Isaiah 55, in which are verses 10-11, "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven / and do not return there but water the earth, / making it bring forth and sprout, / giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, / so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth, / it shall not return to me empty, / but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, / and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."
Because I had just posted that request, and "happened" to put that card there, "happened" to say that tiny, tiny, prayer, then opened to the card that really mattered, and read the verse (the location of which, I had no idea), I simply cried. All over again. And it's hard not to now, even though I'm sitting in the San Antonio startbucks.
Please continue to pray. God enabled me to come here - pay day was last wednesday, Chicago was canceled, and I was led. And I am met with bondage, brokenness, and nothing but what a Savior could do. Please pray that I don't get discouraged - that I love more, and not less. Please let Christ bug the hell (literally) out of them. I need a Pauline, C.S. Lewi-sh conversion. If I love them, does not God love them more? I want my parents to reconcile, even, just to spite them and their worldliness, to spite the evil one. What better way to spite evil than with good? Darkness than with light? Strife with peace? Pray that I would be salt and light. Pray that love abouds and softens hearts as hard as stones. Please join this war effort. It will only add to the Lord's glory - and that is the call of our lives, right? To add to his reknown.
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