A process and a project...

In reflecting over the summer's ups and downs (or rather, mostly consistent downs) and trying to figure out what I need to do and where I need to go from where I am at, I decided as I sat in the sermon on Sunday that I need to do something about, well, everything. I have to get some clear vision as well as deal with the emotional things that I am in the midst of right now. I need a project. So, I'm going to write here what the aim is, who I aim to serve, and my hopes and ambitions through the whole process.

What am I doing? Well, I'm a young woman with directionless ambitions. What? Yep. It's a quick way to hopelessness wanting to do something but not knowing what to do. My goal - fix the "not knowing what to do" part. Let's face it, as long as I am imperfect (which will be until I die and meet my Perfector face to face and see His pierced hands), I've got plenty to do. Why am I thinking "I don't know what to do"? There's plenty to work on. My goal is to outline, as best I can, to the minutiae (I'll explain why minutiae is important to me), what I need to work on mastering in each area of my life in the most practical, easy-to-digest ways. It won't be all puppies and kitties and rainbows, but I need to know what's going on in my heart and define the vague thoughts and beliefs that govern my actions and attitudes if I want to get better and make changes. I have to do the hard work of examining my heart's motivations (or lack thereof).

Who am I doing it for? First answer, myself. But I am going to post this on my blog in the hope that I can encourage other women in my position (single, mid-twenties, and dealing with their junk). I have no ambitions of trying to "speak into someone's life" because I generally feel too screwed up to do that, but I will post in the hopes that others out there don't feel so alone in trying to figure out a shattered life with fragmented thoughts.

What do I hope to achieve? I hope to find out why I'm so stubborn, why I can't just decide on something and do it, and why I have constant internal battles about doing good things that can only help myself to achieve better for Jesus and consequently my own well-being. We have enough to battle out there besides fighting ourselves about everything. And while Romans 7 indicates that there will be a lifelong battle, some of the things I am fighting are childish things, and I need to put those things behind me and grow up.

How am I going to do it? I am long winded (uh, hello) and I probably won't post all the responses I give to the questions I am going to ask, but the ones that I feel the most profound to me and ground breaking, I will give and share my answers. My brain works through asking questions that require reflection to help get further down into my thought process. While I don't know about Dr. Phil's theology, one thing he says did stick with me - we do continue behaviors because there is a payoff. I need to ween my heart off of the payoff in order to stop the behavior because I have learned (and apparently, haven't learned well enough!!!) that I cannot play this game on the field of habits and behaviors. I need to fight it on the deep personal-philosophy, unbelief vs. belief, heart level of my actions. Therein, I firmly believe, lies victory. So, I will post a list (shortly, I hope) of areas of belief/life that overflow into action. I welcome ANY woman to post an area that they think I have missed (because I am asking these questions to myself), because I am about to examine my life. I think change is afoot.

Second Chances...

It's been a tough six months. From struggling through a new job with nuances I wasn't prepared for, to stupidly taking four graduate classes, to battling serious depression, and then to coping with a father's love that is too shallow to fill such a deep need, I have arrived at a point where I am determined to fight through the emotions and be at peace, by God's mercy and grace. Here's what's going on right now.

I'm in Chicago for my summer visit. I think I've only missed two summers. Our whole family (when it was whole) would come up when my dad would have his June trade show. It's a city with many, many memories, both amazingly good and searingly painful. Last year was the first time I really felt rested on a vacation in many years. I could decide when I wanted to leave and stay, there was no rush, and I was able to feel peaceful and removed from responsibilities - a good feeling for any oldest child. I knew that I would be catching up on some things and doing somethings and enjoying people. Yesterday, I was with my cousin and we walked around Chicago, had a classic American dinner, and just enjoyed laughing and giggling. The weather was nothing short of fantastic, especially considering that I had just come from Atlanta, where you basically have the option of walking or swimming as you go from point A to point B with the amount of humidity there is. Last year, in Chicago, there were some of the most spectacular thunder storms I've seen in the city. This year, I left those in Georgia. I'm currently enjoying the summer breeze through an opened window in a house with no central AC. Summer in Chicago it is. But this post isn't about this so much as what I want to share today.

I have a second chance. Many of you know, but those who don't, I will share. In my foray into overloading an already taxed schedule while feeling down in the dumps, I managed to fail a class. Yes, I did it. I made two As, a B, then an F. While my computing brain can handle a lot of work, the motivational, do it part failed. Summing up my exact actions, I was rebelling outright from the work. I decided that I could not continue taking classes and living academic life the way I have been for the past 25 years. I opted out of classes for the summer so that I could really search my soul (with God's help) for the root of my rebellion. It's been tough because I have had such a hard time spending time with the Lord. Recent events have been so challenging that I don't know even how to pray or even if prayers for really seeing change occur even matter. I have found that part of this difficulty is owing to my strong faith in mankind to do what is self-serving above all else, a faith that I am finding to be stronger than my faith in God to change hardened hearts. This is a painful thing, and perhaps why I myself believe that I can't overcome my own grave shortcomings. It is a path to hopelessness. But, as I was driving to a friend's a week or so ago, I knew that in my heart I could not deny the existence of God nor Jesus's authority in a fallen world. A true loss of hope would be to walk away, which I can't do because what other hope is there in this world? You face the same losses, the same pain, and your option is to accept the help of a God who offers eternal peace and companionship or face those things alone, risking more suffering through a coping addiction or a cold heart that turns people away. If I am to suffer anyway, the option of future hope greatly dwarfs the alternative. Moving forward with this mentality helps ease some of the pain, but you can't feel deeply all the time, so emotions of frustration, sadness, and anger still get to me often. But I am functioning. And I can finally get something done.

So my second chance? Well, I spoke with the dean of my program, a woman who deserves "awesome" as a descriptor. She's down-to-earth, realistic, and understanding. And while I was apprehensive about discussing such a shameful thing as failing a graduate class, I decided that I would despise the shame, humbly explain my situation, and confront the consequence head-on. What could I lose? The God of all the universe already knew every horrific thought, intention, motivation, and deed I had ever been capable of (or ever will be), so fearing wasn't going to impact my salvation, the only thing I really HAVE. I was met with serious compassion, as I explained the challenges of my job along with the emotional downward spiral that started in January. I explained the mounting anxiety of someone in too deep, and how I had done it to myself this time, drowned outright. I asked her about damage control. And I had options! Hopeful, I listened as she told me a possible solution to recover some of the grade. It was not what I produced in the class that got me the grade, and she told me that I really should have received an incomplete. If the professor was open to it, I could complete my missing assignments and the grade could be changed.

Other things have happened since then, but as my July 10 deadline approaches for these assignments, I am reminded that God gives us second chances (and me many more). Not always, but many times He does. I hope that we can all recognize this when we do things wrong and have the chance to set it right for ourselves and others. It's time to make the most of our second chances.

Next steps...

Ever since school ended for the summer, things from the past year have seemed to explode in my face. Thinking that I wanted to work in the same place again next year dramatically changed after a chain-reaction of events made me realize I wouldn't do it again. I've found that honesty and being frank is something dwindling around us; if any mistakes are made, it can't be that it was unfortunate, someone must be at fault and be blamed, even if they are innocent; and, truth has to be sugar-coated, unoffensive, and non-exclusionary. It's been painful for me as I have fought on a very personal level to become more pure and true to the truth (for the Lord, for others, and for myself). One thing that I will say is that we live in an incredibly emotionally unhealthy world. But that's a blog post in and of itself.

What's next? I cannot deny that my optimism about finding a job by the end of June is diminishing swiftly. I only have a semester left to certify as a teacher, but being burned by the past year has left me wondering if I should make the shift to another career all-together. I know that I love children and I want to help them overcome things and grow, but I don't think I can handle the depression that comes with the pressures of the task. Part of me feels like giving up because I simply don't want to scour and wait until late July for a phone call. The other part wants to just finish the certification with traditional student teaching and at least be done with the certificate. But that means more loans and can I really do that? My answer to these convoluted questions is to pray, but after so much strife, I am heartily discouraged.

I think I need to be honest about struggling with comparison. There are people my age who seem to be having ease and comfort in their lives, and I feel that has not been the story for me for the past 3 years, if not more. It's been a constant battle to figure out why so many things have gone wrong, what did I do wrong? What did I choose wrong? Why am I feeling so turbulent inside? My initial thought was that sin is causing the turbulence. Without a doubt, I battle that nature on a minute by minute by minute basis. But I'm not feeling like I am winning. The frustration of that combined with circumstances that I don't know how to handle are causing my head to swell. I begin to wonder what God's purpose is in these challenges and pains. When I figure it out, will I be at least in a position to help those after me? My main concern is that I have a fundamental belief problem, that I am thinking about something (like work, deeds, achievement) in completely wrong, unbiblical terms, and that is why I'm having so much trouble. This is a scary thought to me because these fundamentals are so hard to tackle. And they take a true work of the Holy Spirit to change. I cannot change these beliefs on my own, but I pray that the Lord write truth on my heart and shine light in the darkness. I think my best bet, beyond searching for jobs and continuing my education, is to really know what drives my ambitions and even work, and start from there. It's a daunting task, but I don't feel like I'll ever get better if I don't try to figure out why I do what I do. While the answer of sin does cover it, specifically identifying the lies (or truths) that I'm battling against will help zero in on an attack.

Wilderness, Part Deux...

It's been so long since I could even stop to post. And I will make this one then go back to cleaning this atrocious apartment I've managed to concoct.

I'm jobless, again. I could have signed the full contract at the beginning of the year, but I didn't want to feel pressure, since I always cave. Whether that was wise or not still remains to bug me a bit, but I will tell you how the last few months have been.

As a person who dreads making mistakes, boy-howdy did I walk right into them this academic year. Mistake after mistake after painful mistake. Besides being behind on grading, etc., I botched so much this year.

1) I moved to an apartment that is FARTHER from where I work. My roommate, though I love her, has two cats, and I'm a dog person. The cats are nice, but again, dog person.

2) I took a teaching position that was full-time work disguised as a part-time position. NEVER take a part-time teaching position unless it is 50% only. Not a percentage higher and nothing lower. Plus, this school is super high-pressure. Never have I been so anxious in all my life.

3) I took 4 graduate classes. Who am I? I'm an overachiever who doesn't want to achieve anymore and I do what??? I made two A's, a B (would have been an A if I had submitted my research paper on time), and an F. Yep. Never made an F before and never so badly have I ever wanted a D. I was so stupidly stubborn and did not withdraw from the class at the midpoint because I thought, yeah, I'll catch up. I paid for it dearly.

These are three colossal mistakes because together, they caused me 2-3 panic attacks. I wanted to throw up so many days I cannot even count them. I had heart palpitations, cried for hours, and I was miserable. I couldn't even do the work I needed to do because my anxiety sent my head spinning and I couldn't shut my brain off or focus. For someone who needs a modicum of control, I lost it completely. But then, graduate classes started to end and the pressure cooker began to lose steam and cool off. But my heart has still be reverberating with the memory of the past months. I am once again at the point where I had been last Spring - I have no job, no idea of how to step out next, but I do have hope that this time, God will provide as he did last year, and I only need to work. I don't need to fear.

What I have learned about myself in the past few months is how damaged my estimation of my worth to the Lord and to others is. I've also learned how screwed up I am in terms of my rebellion against certain types of work and how sinful certain aspects of my life have been. I'm going to share those things here:

1) Through hours of prayer and weeping, I confessed to the Lord that I felt like no one really cares how I live, so what's the point? I told Him that I didn't want to disobey Him outright, but that maintaining how I live and how I function didn't really matter to me because I didn't see myself making a difference to anyone or for anyone, especially Him, in bringing the Gospel to people and being an example of Christ. I confessed that I felt He had "let me in" because that's what He does, but that He could take me or leave me, it didn't matter because I didn't make a difference. And I wept because such a deep, deep pain of insignificance and downtroddenness lies at the bottom of my heart. And I knew that these were all lies brought to life by pains of the past and a perception of the present, but I knew and I told myself and allowed the Lord to remind me that He loves me, and that all the impact that others may make (or that I perceive them to make) is all credit due to Him, not to their own efforts and endeavors. He is the sole deserver and author of glory, and that He loves me, singularly for me, not what I can do for Him or what difference I even make for Him, but that I am called for Him, whatever else I am. After such a time of prayer, I felt great relief in having simply expressed my feelings and articulating them, for after that, I felt like they truly dissipated. What remains now is to curb the habits long practiced in this attitude and being reminded of why I do what I do.

2) Academics is only romantic idea for me, not fully-satisfying or motivating. What do I mean by this? For so long, I found my identity in being smart and learning new things. It was my solitude and comfort when there was so much rejection. It could be something for me to finally be good at, since I was so socially handicapped (or so I believed). I was motivated by it until I think I began to resent it. I think I knew somewhere in my heart that I was more than a grade. I knew I was more than something I could simply produce. I became tired of working for favor. I so badly wanted the approval of my authorities (and I still do, at times) because I found acceptance no where else from people. Not even in church as a teenager, and while my parents' friends complimented me and them on my behalf, what I wanted was more: friendship and camaraderie and safety from loneliness. What matters, though, was that I began to resent it. It almost became personified to a point where I was out and out rebelling against doing what needed to be done because of a deep hatred I felt. When I say hatred, I mean seething anger that I could not even fathom how to resolve. But I didn't want to fail, so my hatred was coupled with misery and anxiety because part of me still felt the pressure. So mixed up, I knew that I would need to take time this summer to search out my heart and heal the damage of my rebellious heart. Never did I consider myself rebellious, but I knew that I was in my heart as my resentment gained steam and gave rise to hatred and anger. My relief was that I could finally own it and believe that there would be a way out, come hell or high water.

3) I cannot shy away from the desires of my heart. I have to trust that the Lord will get His will either way, but I am dragging my feet waiting for Him to say something. While this isn't bad at all for most people, and most people should wait, I feel like my problem is the opposite. I won't budge unless I have some "assurance". I reduce the amount of risk this way, but somehow, I feel like I am reducing the amount of potential along with it. As long as I am obedient, I feel that God will move me where He desires and that's what I want ultimately. So much I have tried to do in my own strength, I think, holding back what my desires, when really, I should have approached God with them, working toward them, but surrendering as I was going along. I would have at least not felt like I was denying them, even though I couldn't tell you what one of them was. Being more honest with the Lord reveals the most sinful part of our natures, but I think what's worse is when we deny how sinful we are by saying "I shouldn't feel that way so I'm not even going to admit that I do or did." I think we might be shocked at our own lack of remorse for these feelings, and for a seasoned Christian, I think that is a frightening thing to realize. But how else will we know to pray for repentance? We are sick people, and if we don't admit it, we don't even begin to seek help. I have realized that I've not been asking myself the right questions. But the right questions bely scary answers, and I must face them.

4) Why am I so motivated by "the best"? Why do I want to be the best? This is the HARDEST question for me to answer. Why? What is the motivation? These are questions I'm still grappling with and wondering where on earth and at what time this idea was established. Excellence is excellent, but why am I so discontent? Why this dissatisfaction? While I agree with John Piper that we must have a holy dissatisfaction, mine is not motivated by the Lord and has caused me more grief than I can express. It has been, perhaps, the greatest stronghold of my life, permeating everything that I do. While it has yielded good results, the dark side has been the "not good enough" or "someone does it better" elements to it. So, I have been praying through this as the greatest hindrance to my emotional and spiritual health. I'm convinced if I can move past this difficulty, I will be more productive than I have been in my whole life. I'm encouraged to see it through.

What I have learned over the past year and, particularly, this semester, is how to be okay with myself and really know me. The damage that sin has done has begun to very visibly seep into other parts of my life and I cannot ignore the once dim knowledge of the lies that I have believed as well as perpetuated as well as the wrong that I have done to the Lord, others, and myself through not dealing with what has been aching to be dealt with. While it has been far from an easy or straightforward process, never have I depended more on the Lord for His wisdom, prompting, and guidance. And I think, that's the point.

If I could convince you, young women...

The older I get, the more and more I realize that it is everything I can do to convince people of certain goods they consider evil. I want to write this post in the hopes that it will reinforce for myself what I have been feeling lately and, perhaps, that it might open the eyes of young ladies in their teens and college years to certain truths about singleness.

Why do I want to write on this topic? Because I feel that there is so extremely little support for single Christian women out there beyond the age of, well, 14 really. I assume that many girls and women are in the same sinking ship that I am in - we "wait" for "that guy" to show up. A vast many of us (a frightening number) settle for beyond less than what God would have chosen for us, had we been patient. This concerns me very much because I'm seeing more and more young girls and women casting their pearls before swine.

Now, leave what I think about the "swine" aside. That is NOT NEARLY as important as WHY this is happening! I mean, we could discuss the "daddy" issues and the need for "validation" and any other episode of Dr. Phil you learned something psychobabbblish- possibly attributing many things to your situation that may not apply (while certainly, these things play a part for some and many), but would we be hitting the wonderful practicality of being single? The benefits of singleness need not be sinful in the least. I believe so few young women are taking precious advantage of singleness and are rather, rushing into less than fulfilling, God-honoring, thought-out relationships. If I may be frank and honest (and please, I will), I think girls become dumber by diving into these relationships head-first. To my eyes, they appear stupid for settling when they could actually be doing themselves a favor by remaining single, patiently waiting for God's best. So, the question is: What favor does a young woman do for herself if she remains single rather than jumping into a rushed relationship?

1) She can grow in wisdom. Now, this may or not be true, but I find that when a girl denies that emotionally-charged part of herself that yearns for male attention by turning down a semi-attractive (or even attractive) dude because she knows she has good reasons for being hesitant about wanting anything from him (be him a winner or a loser), I find that she has grown some sort of wisdom in that small act. I feel like a woman should be wise to her worth in Christ - that she will be considered a crown on the head of her husband, and if she feels hesitant about his character, it's best to err on the side of singleness than allow her emotions to rule her behavior.

2) She can grow intellectually. The influence of culture on the Christian mind is unmistakable. I cannot tell you how little some girls pay attention to ANYONE or ANYTHING that isn't on the other end of a glowing electronic. No one seems to be keeping constant texting in check, considering that it is a huge source of gossip, cyber-bullying, and idle chatter. I'm finding that I agree more and more with the puritans that idleness is the devil's playground. If that girl has enough time to talk about mindless gossip or celebrity worship, she does not have enough mental gymnastics to do. It seems that teenage girls, especially, are very idle, and I'm convinced that this is making them dumb and numb. Honestly, teen girls are not the greatest source of depth for a girl to tap (though it is possible, I know), so perhaps having our phone to our ear or that constant, incessant conversation is not the best mental exercise for the time.

3) She can grow emotionally. This is a HUGE one for those who struggle with "daddy", validation, and even abuse issues. I understand that it is much easier to seek out a man to satiate a damaged part of ourselves than to fix the damaged part. It's easier to medicate pain than to determine the source, endure, and endeavor to find the cure. So, we do what's easy because we are sinful (what sin you ask? Laziness, of course. It is the "do what's easy" sin). Now, some are aware that they are not helping themselves by simply jumping from guy to guy and that they are their own worst enemy, but some are not. This is why, no matter how healthy a girl thinks she is or how well she seems to feel, I think it's always best to patiently enter a relationship, erring on the side of sanctified singleness until she is ABSOLUTELY sure that GOD's WILL is the one that matters to her, not her own. BEWARE of self-confirmation - the heart is deceptive, as Jeremiah prophesied, and never trust your own understanding - that's foolishness. Double-check, triple-check, check check check your heart before you move. What's the harm in being sure and safe? It's much cheaper than the cost of emotional pain, even though it's twice the work.

4) She can grow her relationship with Jesus. I cannot tell you how many countless women I have observed wish that they had taken better advantage of their singleness to grow in relationship with the Savior. There is so much more time to love and serve the Lord. It can be such a sweet time to really grow and know His character. Aside from feeling whole and healed, dependent only on the God of the universe for all of our needs, you might find that it is actually better than spending time with anyone else. Never discount that the Lord will ALWAYS be THE PROVIDER, THE PROTECTOR, THE EVERYTHING. I have found that this one thing alone is worth never having a boyfriend for the years that I have been single (and yep, count them, that's 25 years!). Even when I feel the pang of loneliness that seeps in every once in a while, Jesus is so worth that pang - the God we serve is awesome, and I wish more women would take advantage of their single time to know that. It has been the great pleasure of my life to spend time in prayer, in God's word, listening to sermons, and gleaning from older women during my high school, college and post-college years. While I anticipate marriage and hope for that gift, I ask the Lord prevent it from becoming my obsession because I want my mind freed up to focus on what will be its eternal focus, glorifying God by the power and blood of Jesus Christ. If my mental capacity and emotional energy were spent in constant obsession over having a relationship, there's so much grace, mercy, and gifting that I would miss out on - and those things come in so many forms!

5) She can grow independently. Now, I am going to end this post with something highly practical. By independently, I mean that a woman can grow to learn how to care for herself and learn what independent Christianity can me for her. I feel that, as much as we rebel against submitting to a man, many women conform and settle to and for a man. I think that this can be dangerous because the inclination for some women to allow a man to lead might mean that they under-develop a knowledge of how to financially provide for themselves and don't develop a practicality of how to sustain energy for both work outside the home and maintaining the living space (I, by no means, support women working outside the home when they have children at home or even when they are married, being that I firmly abide by what it says in Timothy [there are, of course, exceptions] - simply being that, man, housework is A LOT of work, women have an eye for it [we don't really feel like a "day off" is lounging - it's for getting work at the house done], and some men now expect a woman to work at an office then work again at home - um, how about "no" since the house chores are ENOUGH in themselves). While I don't want to suggest that one should plan for a marriage to end whether by divorce or death, a women needs to grow skills that she could employ to support herself if need be. Ask any single mom - she never thought she'd be a single mom, and many older women would tell you (as many know the nature of men, no matter the most loving husband), it can't be a bad idea to maintain a set of professional skills that might come in handy later - even if later is when the kids are grown and she wants to work outside the home for extra income and housework is shared and well-managed. I just think that living on your own with your own rules is such joy and pleasure, too, that it shouldn't be missed out on! Not that people who marry or are in a relationship when they hadn't really lived independently can't grow, but the experience is worth the patience it takes to live without a romantic relationship. I have enjoyed so much having time to myself, pursuing what interests me, and glorifying God in the process that I know it will be an adjustment to sacrifice what I have come to enjoy and cherish so much.

All this to say, if I could convince young women that singleness is wonderful, I would do it in a heart beat. But part of the joy is finding that all out for yourself. Thanks be to our merciful and glorious God who makes all things new and is faithful to complete the work that He has started in us.

The Shattered Mind...

I absolutely love the show Hoarders...and the TLC cousin Hoarding. My mom cannot stand them. But I love them. Why? Great question! I think it's because I love seeing the clutter get organized and there being some sort of resolution. I enjoy seeing the "helping/therapy process". But there is something more...

I identify with the people. Having struggled with major depression and anxiety, I totally understand how *some* of the houses get there. Now, some are just crazy - I clean my bathroom regularly. But I am a messy person and definitely have some hoarding tendencies. Every time I watch shows on obsessive compulsion, I know I have similar tendencies there. And from time to time, it makes me nervous.

Tonight, as I was watching the show, I have gone back to that place where I really want to know what has caused it. Typically, major traumatic events or emotional scarring happens to trigger the hoarding - it's sort of like a latent disease that lurks in the background, always there or encoded in your genes until something turns the "show the illness" switch on.

Never in the past did I feel such depression about living. I was a messy kid, but I cleaned my room regularly (courtesy of some strong encouragement from my mom). Lately, my room has been a shambles. And I haven't even cared to touch it. And I acquired stuff from college, etc. that has piled up. I did sell some stuff at garage sales and did get rid of lot, which was very cathartic and freeing. But I feel like I still own to much.

A few factors as to why I hold on to some things:

1. Too many ideas, too little start up: This is a case of lots of hobbies - but the answer lurks deeper in unfinished business. I did some hobbies as a kid, and while I like to learn, my motivation has waned. Part of this probably has to do with an ongoing battle with perfectionism - and I have swung the pendulum so far to the other end from where I was. I would do everything, and I didn't feel it was enough. Now I do nothing because I know it will never be enough. And the devil lies in the extremes. So, I keep stuff around, acting like I will get to it. But I feel like there is this invisible forcefield of "not enough time" to where I will spend money on it, but I don't want to spend time on it. What's that about? This can (and I know it is) is tied to impatience for learning new things coupled with, simply, horrendous impatience in general. I think I don't want to spend time because I don't want to be patient and see the project through, sticking with it.

2. Past burns with work: I could name a bajillion excuses for why I'm not motivated - and many of them are valid, but I wish to simply get back to work and out of depression. High school was a devastating time for me. I wish I had never applied to the Magnet Program I entered - I wanted to be "the best and the brightest", but I don't think I really wanted to work for it. Somewhere in the mix, I was burned out, either by a teacher, or feeling so behind that I gave up because I couldn't finish the semester "perfectly." With the teacher, it was the pacing of the class along with the explanations and actual teaching that left me in the dark. This happened twice - and doing poorly in one class impacted my thought of doing things "perfectly" for the others.

In thinking about what I am writing here, I feel like I live a domino mentality. Have you ever seen the movie the Replacements? Keanu Reeves's character (I don't listen to the others, Keanu, I love you!) talks about quick sand where one error after another error happens in a football game, and the player (or team) feels like they can't get out. Then morale starts to slip, and players feel trapped, and some give up. I think that's me - I think I give up. On domino in the little pattern falls. I don't rebound well after failure. After failing (I've never failed a class, but I've disappointed myself enough to have felt that AWFUL feeling of failure), I think I don't want to risk it again. And if you don't try, you don't fail, right? But I'm finding that I feel like the greater failure is not trying because I'm feeling pain in a different, more numbing and depressing ways. And I think I'm trying to medicate by saying that I'm going to do all these things and accomplish this, that, or the other, but I fear that I won't do them, and that is another failure. So I hold on, trying to say that "even though I'm not touching it right now, I will" and this saves me from feeling like I have failed to start or try. Messed up, right? I know!

3. Trauma: I have been well-provided for and cared for, but there have been two things that really devastated me. The biggest was the divorce of my parents. My spending when out of control when my parents divorced and I started college. I went from just my student loans at the Art Institute my first year, to credit cards and more student loans up till now. I purchase things out of control, didn't have a budget. It was awful and I still struggle now. Not to mention the pain of that divorce, the silence about what was happening when my parents were clearly divided the year before they actually separated, took its toll and I remember that I was very anxious then. By buying things, after their divorce, I think that I was trying to neutralize the emotion to desire things by purchasing them and neutralizing the feeling of want. I couldn't neutralize the pain of the divorce because that process was so ongoing. And, being impatient, I needed a stimulus or a drug or something to make me feel in control at that moment, when my family was crumbling, something that I could not control. Losing control is a sickening thing that messes up an impatient perfectionist. And it was the perfect storm for me to create a disastrous mess of myself and my mind. The second trauma was moving to the South when I was a child. While not as major as the divorce of my parents, the loss of control began again - and I think it might have been what triggered me to overeat. Again, to control the emotions and manage myself, I think I used food as a drug - something I could control the amount of. Since restraint was bad, and more was good, I let myself have as much as I wanted. Add a dose of rejection, and well, I mean, CLEARLY, I was entitled to enjoy at least whatever food I wanted. It's amazing the things we use to justify sin.

In any case, I don't really know myself, my mind is a shambles of thoughts and not-quite-thoughts - and now I think my living spaces and work ethic are reflecting that broken mind. I feel like I have too many possibilities to consider for what's wrong, too many ways do this or that, and I'm overwhelmed. But you know what's so wonderful and merciful about all this hard stuff? Thinking about it tonight, I kind of know where to start thinking and praying about healing and getting better. I know that it is not within me to fix myself - I feel that damaged and depressed by my own mind-world. But I really believe that if I keep at the work of honoring the Lord by the power of the Holy Spirit through prayers of thanksgiving and supplication, I will finally conquer the perfectionism, depression, lack of motivation, and impatience that are affecting me. Since they are sin-based, I have a great hope of getting better since God desires us to cease sinning and He will provide us with the means to defeat it (and already has through the death and resurrection of Jesus). I'm so thankful for glimmers of hope in vast darkness.

Dichotomy of Desire...

It's remarkable what time does and how you learn. I've been contemplating a few things that seem to have required three year time to boil down - it really is like a pot of something being boiled down to its most basic mush so that you can really know what it looks like broken down.

Things I'm understanding:

1. I live life continually thinking that I need to be a better version of myself and that I want to grow. I've known this, but what I haven't realized is that there are not very many people who hold this view for themselves. I'm seeing that one of my deepest desires is, simply, to change.

2. I am absolutely lost as to what I want to accomplish in life. I'm almost afraid to decide, to commit, to execute. I don't know why. I was driving and praying yesterday, trying to understand. It could be a fear of failure, it could be a fear of success. I fear that I'd try something, spend time on it, and not like it. I really grieve over this.

I think there are so many in this sinking ship that I'm in. One hears so many stories of people struggling with what they should do with their life. God's extra grace in mine is that I have been motivated to work without being absolutely in love what I do. But I'm feeling my motivation dwindle and wan with depression. This is the strongest I have ever felt so lost and hopeless about where to go and what to do. And what demons lurk within me. And I wonder if I am being completely honest with myself, even after all of the soul searching. I feel like the pleasure for some things has been diminished. But why??? In movies, they sometimes talk about a person's spirit being broken, and the symptoms seem to include a feeling of defeat, hopelessness, and grief. I wonder if I'm sensitive to being discouraged by others. And this would make complete sense given my personality.

Mired in self-doubt, I constantly wonder if I am "doing the right thing," "making the right decision," and "going where I need to go." I cannot say how much my hopefulness has been crushed by naysayers, which is highly understandable. As an observer of people, I know that many pursuits are frivolous and people do stupid things and don't know what they are getting into. But not everyone is like that when they take a risk, especially if the risk is calculated. Perhaps what I ought to do is write how I really, really, really feel without my Christian filter on. As a believer, I know what the "good thoughts" are and the "bad thoughts" and the "I shouldn't think that..." but I wonder if I try to hold myself back with my flesh I'm really not fixing the emotions at all. The question is, how does one impede the emotions? Of course it requires change, but I'm afraid that, well, that I won't. And that's what I want the most, right? Or is that just what I have convinced myself?