How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 1

Background: Lately, I have been not handling basic chores at all, neglecting any sort of cleaning, most extra forms of maintenance (personal – putting on makeup, fixing my hair, picking out jewelry each day; car – oil needs to be changed again, tires rotated), taking care of cash flow issues and reimbursements. I am in desperation to understand my aversion to this because I’m fighting myself tooth and nail and tired of doing so. I’m looking for the switch that I need to flip, but that takes the help of God and introspection, so these are just ramblings, basically.

I hate cleaning and taking the time to clean and run errands. But, why? I was thinking today that I really need to search my heart about why some of these things are so hard for me.

I would say that I “just don’t care” or “Who cares?” Why is this important? No one cares about me and how I live. I don’t matter.

But I don’t think that’s why. I could say that and maybe some of it is true. But I was thinking more on it. I want to give up on trying to figure it out because the effort of having to brainstorm the causes and sift through feelings (like what is truly how I feel versus an idea) is somehow getting more difficult for me.

So I asked the question again. Cleaning makes me angry. It’s a task that never ends. I HATE that. Sometimes I just want things to be over with. Second, I’m under the illusion or delusion that I would be doing something “amazing” with my time, if I didn’t have to do household chores all the time. This need to do “amazing” bugs me to no end. Will I ever be a famous inventor? Will I ever produce a great song? Will I ever write a novel that will enable me to support myself through writing? Will I take a famous photograph or create a mini-movie that will change my life on YouTube? I know this sounds trite and stupid, but it’s what runs through my mind as I feel that I am settling into a task that isn’t “amazing” (I'm the queen of excuses of grandeur from time to time). Why are these things such a big deal to me? Why is creating and being known for that creation such an idol for me? Where did this come from? Really, how do I get over it to start remolding my life?

I hate small tasks that grate on my nerves: mailing paperwork for a rebate, submitting receipts for a reimbursement to insurance, calling people, buying tickets, scheduling people, collecting a check, even grading. Going to the bank is better because at least I get to go out. Then there is writing the budget. I hate it because it serves as a constant reminder of how far I have to go and how unmotivated and just lazy I have been. Haha, who wants to be reminded of that? So, like a mature adult, I avoid it until I absolutely have to do it, and it’s even more of a hideous monster chore than if I had just done it when it passed through my hands. How overwhelmed I feel is my fault and my fault entirely – I’m feeding the beast that makes me feel like I need to constantly run for my life.

And it’s just not working. I cannot avoid pain anymore, and that is what I have been trying to do, I think, as I write and reflect on why I have been avoiding. Changing habits, dealing with shortcomings, doing what I HATE doing and confronting the reality of poor choices all cause me pain. Who does not hate pain? For me, though, having felt very deep emotional pain since a young age, between severe, traumatic rejection by people, including my dad into recent years, has left me “not caring”, which is really just masking the fact that I don’t want to deal with the pain of doing, really, anything in addition to lingering other problems. I know that the myth is that I would use my “basic task” time for creating something amazing – but the truth is that I wouldn’t because I KNOW FOR A FACT that I would get frozen before I started, just paralyzed by all of the options available to me creatively: what medium? Is there a plan? What would the plan be? What feeling do I want to have? What am I going to capture? Why? What’s the point of that? A zillion people have been there done that. What’s the inspiration? Could I do this as a profession? How am I going to glorify Jesus? If I'm out for myself, that's wrong, so why create something if I'm gonna be tempted for my own gain as a primary factor?

At this point, I just want to tell my brain to shut up. I am overwhelming myself. If I do get started on a personal project, well let’s not lie and say that I will finish it. I feel like I’m constantly in the battle to finish things if I get them started. Cleaning is the same way as some other tasks. WHEN WILL IT END? And then I think “never,” and then I don’t bother. Back to square one at that point, where I pathetically try to psych myself up to do something, knowing that in the back of my mind, I’m thinking that I will fail yet again, and that somehow, I have made this horrible, resigned “I won’t finish it anyway” peace with it. As if, in some way, I feel like my personality and my habits are beyond my control. But in just writing this (which was the point), I think it’s because I know that I have no desire to cross the “pain barrier” to either start something or complete something started. So I make peace with failure (failure is something I absolutely hate) in order to avoid the greater evil of dealing with my pain-based frustration of having to do something that I don’t like, that’s not amazing, or that is ridiculously time-consuming (because I don’t wisely choose to go less ambitious for a starter project).

How on earth did I develop this need to do great in an instant? Why have I associated starting slowly with such a yucky feeling? Why do I want to be instantly good at something? Why do I hate ongoing projects so much along with routine? At least knowing I’m avoiding pain is a start. But there is more iceberg under that surface. Maybe perfectionism also plays a role. Probably.

Edit: Re-reading this, I know this is why I'm not keen on posting at 1:50 AM, and two, just so that everyone understands - there are multiple layers at work here - the surface is that I'm struggling just to finish even a chore; the middle is that I'm deceived that my time would be better spent in another pursuit, which I basically don't bother pursuing if I bail on the chore anyway (I feel guilty to boot, besides the option-overload); and on the deepest level, the desire to do something "great" is at conflict with the greater desire to avoid pain and almost certain frustration from having to work through an accumulated chore (now bigger because I avoided it) along with establishing new habits (after having wanted to be "fast" at fixing it, and the chore not getting done in one "session" because it has become so large). To conclude, pray for me.