The Rainy Season: 4 years and counting...

I've never had the Lord call me to something. I remember, at least, being 20 sitting in church knowing that I wanted to work in vocational ministry, but that thought ebbed and flowed and I don't know where it's gone now; it's a thought that is around, but there is so much uncertainty about the future for me where I sit.

Since that point, I worked at a ministry where I really struggled with the theology and authenticity in the atmosphere, only to move onto a profession I was unsure of. I've experienced unemployment several times and wept more in my four short years after college than I did in the 22 leading up to them. I have never experienced so much emotional pain and turmoil in my life. And there are questions I am afraid to ask God because I fear the answers - and more than the answers, I fear no answer at all.

My teaching job is the most stressful thing in my life. I work at a school that has been in the news where the culture is not only one completely different from the hybrid one that I grew up in but one that I have trouble respecting because of the values I see developing. But I still love who I work for, and it is a love that eats me alive because it cannot change the mistakes that those kids will make on the path they travel. Because I am struggling so much, I wonder if I could ever serve vocationally in ministry. My temper, I fear, is out of control, and the melancholy I'm predisposed to (in my opinion) has reached severe depression and anxiety because of the stress. Outside of dealing with my own struggles against perfectionism, I have entered a career where the secular expectation of perfection without the grace of a Savior is suffocating me with a pillow while my own battle holds down my arms. I'm not emotionally healthy enough for the job, and I think that's why I feel like such a failure lately. Nothing stings like feeling inadequate and knowing how weak you are, dependent upon the approval of your authorities and the peers you admire. And, I don't "feel" called. Or I do and I'm resisting. I cannot even tell anymore.

I don't feel called anywhere - or really understand what that looks like. In fact, I even live hesitant to straighten things up and make them look great because I'm afraid I will be uprooted again. I've moved back and forth from so many places, that I feel unstable, at best, where I am. I feel so insecure in where God wants me that I feel as though I cannot relax because something will be disrupted again. The greatest disruption was my parents' divorce, and I fear the gravity of pain like that coming again. I fear stepping out in faith for anything because I fear more suffering. I fear more stress and strain. I fear more tears.

But, I have seen hope. I've seen God take a sobbing teacher on a 45 minute ride to work where she knows kids will berate her and disrespect her and turn her heart and attitude to positive thoughts and hope. I've seen God take this unwilling brat who does win some compassion because she wants to learn and change and force her into the place of dealing with her failures and weaknesses. I have seen God break through the churning stomachaches of an anxious mind and give true, unmovable peace. I have seen God keep the sun in the sky 7 days for someone who couldn't get their work done on time. I have seen God sustain faith when none could be found in this girl. I have seen God. And I have learned about grace.

I've read the Pentateuch - it took me long enough in my life. And I'm reading Judges now. I can't help but draw parallels between the Hebrews and my students. They refuse to listen to what is good for them and gripe when they face consequences. Their repentance is few and far between and the fruit may take decades to see. When I arrive at this point, I'm amazed at how God did not and does not give up on any of His elect. How he has not given up on me when I prayed for Him to teach me and show me my sin and have rebelled in the process. It's enough to bring me to tears each time because the pain I feel over my students is what God feels over us and our sin. It is what He feels over me when I complain, when I am impatient, when I refuse to get my work done, when I refuse to do what I know to be right because I'm angry at others who are doing wrong, and when I've exhausted myself to the point of anxiety over things I could have prevented. It has spurred me on to fight my sin, to crush it. And I have realized it is potently strong. It is the reason I have had so much trouble - and while some may not be surprised and the answer maybe obvious, when it comes to you seeing it and understanding the potency with which it controls your actions and heart, no one could speak it to you on their own strength. It is a revelation, and honestly, you know you can't tackle it in the least on your own. 

Part of that has to do with the pain it's shrouded in - it's tender to the touch because you feel justified in doing it. Really justified - not just rationalized, but justified to the point where people would understand and have compassion on your sin. But we can't be compassionate to the sin. I cannot feel that it is okay no matter how painful it is to heal - because it is painful. It doesn't feel right because things really aren't fair. There are painful things that will constantly draw tears - and I hate living with them - but I have to step forward with God and kill the sin that the pain wants to justify. I have to believe that God meant what He said through Paul in Romans 8:28. Even as betrayed as I feel by some, by my work, I must do a good job because I'm called to work as though I was working for Jesus. It's right to do right, regardless of the trampling I take - and I have seen how hard it is to do right when you have been personally maligned and attacked, when you circumstances have been less than what you believed could be the worst. I never knew how hard it could be, but living it, I'm convinced my only hope is God enabling me to crush my sin which seeks to justify retaliation. I still don't feel called. I still feel like life is vague in more ways than I am comfortable with, but I need to do well and better until the time comes for the moment where the fog clears and I can feel peaceful again.

Progress: Maiming the Beast

I'm sitting here at a desk that's been moved to an opposite wall to accommodate a once garage-dwelling dresser. I've pulled up carpet with my bare hands, removed carpet staples with pliers, vacuumed plywood (what's under the carpet and carpet padding), and laid one area rug until we get new carpeting in here. 

I've put things in a donate pile, placed things in the sale pile. While I still need to purge more, I can actually walk around in here. Asking myself what I actually use has perhaps been the best, honest question that has help me let go of things. It had been harder because I looked at so much as a representation of what I had spent on it. But looking at it and letting go of the "money" aspect has really been freeing. When I thought it would bother me, I'm finding that it's not a big deal. Does this remind me to be careful about my pennies? Certainly, but the old stuff can go.

Now I'm dealing with the reality of returning to work and being in a place that really stretches what I am naturally good at. But that's another post for another day. Happy New Year, still. Erin

Stuff is Fleeting, Meaningless: Overcoming the Addiction

You know, overcoming materialism is a hip trend. But as I write the blog post (avoiding the inevitable - cleaning the hurricane tossed tornadic ship-wreckage that vaguely resembles a corner bedroom), I can feel my anxiety rise as I think about even starting it. I'm at least committed to piddling around in there for an hour and hitting le hay about 11. But I know I want to put it off...the anxious monster is there and he mocketh me with a daunting task: you are going to have to sort.

Sorting is love/hate for me. On the one hand, it is very therapeutic in small, productive dosages. On the other, when you are a living, absent-minded, shambles like me, when the sorting is ridiculous, I want to bail and abandon my ship. As I was journaling this evening, I began trying to brainstorm (which is now what I do to retrain my anxiety) on how to at least make a dent in the task without overwhelming myself into despair and thus purging the attempted task into certain (yet indefinite) oblivion.  Let's just say that I dig myself a giant hole, panic when I realize what I am doing, think about how I can get out of the 3-5-year hole in 1 day, get overwhelmed because that's unrealistic and I can't commit to more than 1 day, then give up. I'm ignoring my anxiety at confronting a mess that I have made until I absolutely cannot avoid it anymore...

The problem is, I have become an EXPERT in avoiding. If this were Warcraft, I'm a guild leader. This Old House? Bob Vila. Painting happy trees? Bob Ross. I am the foremost authority in how to avoid anxiety by making busy with other stuff. I have my PhD in ADD. And I am (mostly) fully aware of it.

Brainstorming simple tasks (so simple like clothes, books, jewelry, no sorting, just grouping) brought on a hard, yet necessary look at my stuff problem. I have so much stuff and the stuff has emotions attached to it. This to me is a MAJOR issue. I have a hard time getting rid of certain sentimental items that would mean nothing to anyone else normal.  I suppose this might be linked to being rejected and holding on to "good emotions" - not having many friends, stuff begins to mean things.  This is an idolatry I would love to avoid examining, especially here in a public-ish way.  But it is an idolatry that has held me back too long. I can feel the sadness welling in my heart and mind as I think about such a ridiculous attachment because I know just under the surface it is masking yet more pain. Both pain to let go, but really pain that I didn't bother to resolve - it is the pain of very acute loneliness. Even admitting that now is hard.

While part of me feels shame in admitting that, part of me is so sad that I have felt so lonely for so long. Such isolation - almost a non-violent violent reaction if you think about it. People recede because their wounds are so large, then they turn to things that actually accumulate, but also cannot mend the loneliness. Just a mask. But to dismiss the emotions tied to the possessions is an error.  I'm so angry that I have to do it because I don't want to feel sad over things or even cry. But how can you get better if you don't address the illness? I know what God is calling me to do in addressing something "I really dont wanna" deal with. So far, God has been good to the little child that I act like - letting me deal with the things --> I <-- want to fix. But this is something I'd rather procrastinate on until the day before the second coming...certainly, my doofusy perception is that "it's harmless" but really, it keeps me in a clutter, overwhelmed, scrambling, and depressed because in that pile of nonsense is a pile of unresolved grief and emotion that "I just can't deal with right now." But I'm on holiday. And I just can't live life like this.

So, for you conceptual people out there, as I deal with the emotions and purge things that I ought not hold dear, I heard Dr. Phil (yus, I said it - bite me) say that you should pick your top 3 goals, and if some tasks and chores and things and, sometimes, people (the kind that are unhealthily involved in your life, I'm not suggesting some sort of "Eat Pray Love" vomitous philosophy), you need to make some ajust[deletions]ments.  This helped me to really take an honest look at how I'm drowning myself, my relationship to Jesus, and what I believe I am here to do. So, as I go in to the pit of despair, I hope to emerge triumphant, downsized, and emotionally healthier. Happy New Year, Erin

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 3

Ha! I hope that any of the 3 folks who read this are encouraged and helped through any trying time through which they are dragged kicking and screaming. I am living it and I am surviving it.

I have cried more on the way to work in the past 5 months than I probably cried between ages 7-10. I've probably had about 4 diagnosable (not a word), verifiable (a word) panic attacks. I have wracked my brain, stretched my limits, and spent myself on worry the past semester. I am so glad I dropped grad school in October for the time being. I think it's the first honest thing I've done for myself in several months.

My post about my dad really brought a great opportunity to meet with a counselor to work through it. And I will tell you, focusing on what is actually stewing in the cauldron of my heart rather than the absolute natural disaster-type devastation it has caused (or rather, poisoned) is the hardest thing I've had to do in working through my depression. My depression has subsided to a degree. I am motivated, I'm looking forward to finishing the semester, and I am getting things done. But, if I were a country, I'd be on the foreign aid list, needing food for the starving inhabitants, medicine for the sick, leadership in the political arena, an economic model to closely follow, and essentially, a 3rd world country. I, Erin, am a 3rd world country. That is not good.

I have gotten so used to neglecting and avoiding dealing with what's brewing in my heart that it is a task put off. I have too good a memory to write down my history. And it's not remarkable and actually boring. AND I don't remember it sequentially (this could be helped if I slowed down and really concentrated on thinking my writing through, but we have seen how that is). I've made it to first grade in my personal narrative, and that's nowhere when you consider I remember more and more as a I write through my past.  But I have to conquer what is eating me alive: what I believe about God's view of me, my view of me, my purposeful life, and what is right and wrong. If there is anything I have learned, it is that my parents have taught me certain platitudes as well as education that don't match up with the Bible - and these things I've kinda made a "personal law" are bondage that I am battling against. That's hard when you feel like they are your parents' rules, and you didn't break rules as a kid, so while the Bible is breaking some down with the TRUTH, you feel like you are disobeying the people you were taught to obey by violating their principles (or what your interpretation of those were). That is a beast of a task - a hairsplitting one at best.

What I can say is that by prayer, God has allowed me to examine how I am in my classroom, how I react or provoke, how I defuse a situation, how I make one worse, how I inspire, how I bore, what my strengths are and the great chasm that my weaknesses present to me being successful at what I currently do. God is using the difficult situation where I am in this career to breakdown falsehoods that are tightly woven into the perfect tapestry of His Law. It's not like the platitudes are necessarily bad - but they present a bondage to someone who zealously takes them to heart. They aren't to be treated as absolutes. And this is where I am examining my own personal philosophy and how my own mouth betrays a knowledge of the head unacknowledged in the heart. Unbelief is a killer, and I'm learning the role that knowing versus believing plays in it's ability to handicap even the most skilled at introspection.  It is hard to discern principles long harmonized to a young Christianity that aren't really Christian principles at all, but cultural ones that feel comfortable and seem valid.  I'm finding that certain passive-aggressive tendencies, the chaos and the drama, and my own lived-out philosophy are colliding because of a values mismatch. 

If you know anything about computer programming, you might know what an infinite loop is. If not, an infinite loop is when the user commits an error in a program and the computer tries to execute (the natural execution is repeat until result), and if you enter in a letter when you should have entered in a number, the computer can try working with the letter forever, not "aware" that it will never compute, but restarting the process each time to try for a result. This is what I am going through, but I'm finally tackling the lived-out philosophy because that needs reprogramming. All the chaos and emotions (like anxiety and depression) are residuals of a philosophy that is broken (for me, at least). And I need to rebuild from the Bible up. Knowing this has encouraged me to continue working while figuring out my difficulties with getting tasks accomplished - it has opened my eyes to some of the broken proverbs offered as wisdom by non-Christian-based "sages" who, while well-intended, have imprisoned many a student and free spirit.

What am I saying? I'm saying I gotta figure out what I really believe by examining who I really walk life out.  How I'm walking isn't looking too great, but at least I can bear witness to it and to the fact that something needs to and is about to change.

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 2

Alright, seems I had an epiphany when I wrote last time because I'm feeling a whole lot better about getting stuff done - but, ever the skeptic, we'll see how long I last.

I think the main thing is that I am actually doing something amazing by finally acknowledging the need for obedience to God in neglected areas of life. Good thoughts and feelings about Jesus don't mask the fact that some of my actions are the bullhorn of rebellion. So, here are the things, both conceptual and practical, that I am overhauling:

Conceptual:

1. Consistency - I've been consistently demotivated and deeply downcast. That's about it.  I haven't consistently packed my lunch for work, I haven't consistently even washed my hair (now, I AM hygienic, just constantly flying by the seat of my pants), I haven't consistently paid bills at the same time each month, I haven't consistently prayed or journaled, or really, read the Bible without hiccups, and if you read the blog, well, we know how THAT's been. So, goal? Consistency, stability, happy ritual (I hate the word routine - I'm a green personality [http://winning-solutions.com/Trainings/True_Colors/truecolor.html], it stresses us out).

2. Thinking and Practice - I'm working on how I overwhelm myself into oblivion and, painstakingly, breaking things down into itty bitty bite-sized pieces and squashing the notion that "I can accomplish everything I want to today." Let's call this killing that "all or nothing" perfectionist attitude. I just want to get SOMETHING DONE.

3. Moderation - I need to practice moderation and patience in all things, but particularly in impulsive things. I most def purchased a Keurig, but I had been contemplating that. When I got to Costco, the price was so right. Impulsive? Nah, the justification rationalizing capacitor in my brain has informed me not so. I'll only be going out when I absolutely must on a set day, rather than inventing reasons to leave the house (yus, I do this) to avoid what needs doin'. Moderation in eating, moderation in internet time, those two go without saying.

Practical:

1. Planning - Everything. I just need to. And it's okay to plan small stuff and get small stuff done if it works toward my main goal. This includes managing school things.

2. Finances - I am in serious debt - not that I cannot manage, but it's going to take a jaunt to fix it. So I need to work on a budget.

3. Weightloss - I just need to figure this crap out once and for all. I gained back weight after losing 30lbs, but lately, I am actually feeling horrible. I don't feel comfortable at all, feel fatigued and dehydrated, so it is time, frens, it is time to beat myself like an athlete does (checkout what the apostle Paul says about the athlete).

4. Home/Personal Maintenance - I am the anti-girl. Not that I am against girls, I just typically don't like girl things like makeup (though I like buying it), fixing my hair, clothes, cleaning constantly (really, I just loathe dishes), and making sure that I do maintenance appointments - nails, waxing, such and such. But I am finding that this is really needed for my job, since teenagers are so judgmental. I get my brows done regularly, but hadn't since the start of the school year - you wouldn't believe how many students, after I got them done last Saturday, said something to me about how good they looked - bruh, they just eyebrows! So this and cleaning are on the list.

So, this week, I report back on my experiment of the essential non-amazings, and hopefully, something amazing will occur. Don't forget to pray.

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 1

Background: Lately, I have been not handling basic chores at all, neglecting any sort of cleaning, most extra forms of maintenance (personal – putting on makeup, fixing my hair, picking out jewelry each day; car – oil needs to be changed again, tires rotated), taking care of cash flow issues and reimbursements. I am in desperation to understand my aversion to this because I’m fighting myself tooth and nail and tired of doing so. I’m looking for the switch that I need to flip, but that takes the help of God and introspection, so these are just ramblings, basically.

I hate cleaning and taking the time to clean and run errands. But, why? I was thinking today that I really need to search my heart about why some of these things are so hard for me.

I would say that I “just don’t care” or “Who cares?” Why is this important? No one cares about me and how I live. I don’t matter.

But I don’t think that’s why. I could say that and maybe some of it is true. But I was thinking more on it. I want to give up on trying to figure it out because the effort of having to brainstorm the causes and sift through feelings (like what is truly how I feel versus an idea) is somehow getting more difficult for me.

So I asked the question again. Cleaning makes me angry. It’s a task that never ends. I HATE that. Sometimes I just want things to be over with. Second, I’m under the illusion or delusion that I would be doing something “amazing” with my time, if I didn’t have to do household chores all the time. This need to do “amazing” bugs me to no end. Will I ever be a famous inventor? Will I ever produce a great song? Will I ever write a novel that will enable me to support myself through writing? Will I take a famous photograph or create a mini-movie that will change my life on YouTube? I know this sounds trite and stupid, but it’s what runs through my mind as I feel that I am settling into a task that isn’t “amazing” (I'm the queen of excuses of grandeur from time to time). Why are these things such a big deal to me? Why is creating and being known for that creation such an idol for me? Where did this come from? Really, how do I get over it to start remolding my life?

I hate small tasks that grate on my nerves: mailing paperwork for a rebate, submitting receipts for a reimbursement to insurance, calling people, buying tickets, scheduling people, collecting a check, even grading. Going to the bank is better because at least I get to go out. Then there is writing the budget. I hate it because it serves as a constant reminder of how far I have to go and how unmotivated and just lazy I have been. Haha, who wants to be reminded of that? So, like a mature adult, I avoid it until I absolutely have to do it, and it’s even more of a hideous monster chore than if I had just done it when it passed through my hands. How overwhelmed I feel is my fault and my fault entirely – I’m feeding the beast that makes me feel like I need to constantly run for my life.

And it’s just not working. I cannot avoid pain anymore, and that is what I have been trying to do, I think, as I write and reflect on why I have been avoiding. Changing habits, dealing with shortcomings, doing what I HATE doing and confronting the reality of poor choices all cause me pain. Who does not hate pain? For me, though, having felt very deep emotional pain since a young age, between severe, traumatic rejection by people, including my dad into recent years, has left me “not caring”, which is really just masking the fact that I don’t want to deal with the pain of doing, really, anything in addition to lingering other problems. I know that the myth is that I would use my “basic task” time for creating something amazing – but the truth is that I wouldn’t because I KNOW FOR A FACT that I would get frozen before I started, just paralyzed by all of the options available to me creatively: what medium? Is there a plan? What would the plan be? What feeling do I want to have? What am I going to capture? Why? What’s the point of that? A zillion people have been there done that. What’s the inspiration? Could I do this as a profession? How am I going to glorify Jesus? If I'm out for myself, that's wrong, so why create something if I'm gonna be tempted for my own gain as a primary factor?

At this point, I just want to tell my brain to shut up. I am overwhelming myself. If I do get started on a personal project, well let’s not lie and say that I will finish it. I feel like I’m constantly in the battle to finish things if I get them started. Cleaning is the same way as some other tasks. WHEN WILL IT END? And then I think “never,” and then I don’t bother. Back to square one at that point, where I pathetically try to psych myself up to do something, knowing that in the back of my mind, I’m thinking that I will fail yet again, and that somehow, I have made this horrible, resigned “I won’t finish it anyway” peace with it. As if, in some way, I feel like my personality and my habits are beyond my control. But in just writing this (which was the point), I think it’s because I know that I have no desire to cross the “pain barrier” to either start something or complete something started. So I make peace with failure (failure is something I absolutely hate) in order to avoid the greater evil of dealing with my pain-based frustration of having to do something that I don’t like, that’s not amazing, or that is ridiculously time-consuming (because I don’t wisely choose to go less ambitious for a starter project).

How on earth did I develop this need to do great in an instant? Why have I associated starting slowly with such a yucky feeling? Why do I want to be instantly good at something? Why do I hate ongoing projects so much along with routine? At least knowing I’m avoiding pain is a start. But there is more iceberg under that surface. Maybe perfectionism also plays a role. Probably.

Edit: Re-reading this, I know this is why I'm not keen on posting at 1:50 AM, and two, just so that everyone understands - there are multiple layers at work here - the surface is that I'm struggling just to finish even a chore; the middle is that I'm deceived that my time would be better spent in another pursuit, which I basically don't bother pursuing if I bail on the chore anyway (I feel guilty to boot, besides the option-overload); and on the deepest level, the desire to do something "great" is at conflict with the greater desire to avoid pain and almost certain frustration from having to work through an accumulated chore (now bigger because I avoided it) along with establishing new habits (after having wanted to be "fast" at fixing it, and the chore not getting done in one "session" because it has become so large). To conclude, pray for me.

Confrontation...

A lot has been happening lately. I have struggled through this entire year like no year before. Tonight I started a new bible study that is forcing me to confront something that I don't want to touch with a 10-foot pole: My relationship with my dad.

My father decided to quit our 18-year family for a younger, married woman.  Being a stickler for doing the right thing, I was shocked and deeply wounded. I still am.  It served to reveal to me how selfish people can be - not just in leaving, but expecting us to "role with the punches" of their choices. I was baffled as my father got angry at me for not simply "accepting" this mere "indiscretion".  What his behavior revealed to me about some fathers these days is their complete compartmentalization of how their own children feel about their betrayal of a whole family. The world at large looks on at a husband and wife as a sort of business transaction that has no impact on their children. What a hideous lie from the pit of hell.  I was told to just "get over it." I was told that it had been so long - the idea that time reduces the pain of an offense is a myth, especially when that person is so close to you in relationships. I was told that I must have been brainwashed by my mom - an offense beyond painful because my mother has only EVER maintained that we sustain a relationship with our father.

But my dad doesn't call. He doesn't email but only once in a while when his own nostalgia moves him to say something. He used to get mad at me that I missed a phone call (when I was actually talking to him), or would be angry that I didn't call him. It didn't seem to be enough that I'm a girl, and the daughter, and he is a man, and the father that he should initiate. The interesting thing about missing his phone call was that countless times I called, he didn't pick up or return a call. Then I'd miss one call, and he would complain about the phone, or why do we even have phones because we never even answer them, etc. It got to the point where I would say, "Is your phone broken? Because I understand it works both ways." That's the level of impatience and exasperation at the utter stupidity of the complaints reached. I wasn't constantly bringing up the fact that, oh, hey, you decided that your own narcissism was more important than actually taking leadership of your family, you coward, even though I thought it. It was unreal to me that he would complain about anything, given that he hadn't really apologized for the pain that he caused.

Why am I airing this? To tell you that God is not allowing me to push back dealing with this lately. He won't let me procrastinate on dealing with the issue. My anger is eating me alive, and if anything I've realized lately, it's that anger does spread and seep into other things, like work. I have to deal with this somehow. My dad has heard from me before, but he hasn't really listened. I think the most I could ask is that he understand and feel some remorse for what he did and how he has been absent the last 8 years. What I have resisted was being the one to initiate the re-engineering this tattered rope-bridge between us. He hasn't repented. There has been no apology.  He married the adultress this June. I really don't want to do this at all. But God is speaking, and I MUST listen. The Holy Spirit is compelling me to listen and I'm submitted enough to Jesus that I cannot even pull myself away from listening! But I'm praying. After hearing Beth Moore's message tonight, I know that the same hole she was speaking of, referring to unresolved family issues, is eroding my peace and joy.  I can still feel the anger rising in my heart, even unto hatred. But greater to me is obeying God, despite the basically on-demand tears I feel come on as I even reflect on this chapter that has damaged my life since my dad left when I was 17. All I can ask is that if you happen to read this, to pray with me. Of the great heart chores that I need to, this is the most painful and difficult of them all. I would ask that if you have encouragement to offer, to avoid platitudes because they make a legalism out of a true healing that needs to cover sincere, painful, and raw suffering.