Stuff is Fleeting, Meaningless: Overcoming the Addiction

You know, overcoming materialism is a hip trend. But as I write the blog post (avoiding the inevitable - cleaning the hurricane tossed tornadic ship-wreckage that vaguely resembles a corner bedroom), I can feel my anxiety rise as I think about even starting it. I'm at least committed to piddling around in there for an hour and hitting le hay about 11. But I know I want to put it off...the anxious monster is there and he mocketh me with a daunting task: you are going to have to sort.

Sorting is love/hate for me. On the one hand, it is very therapeutic in small, productive dosages. On the other, when you are a living, absent-minded, shambles like me, when the sorting is ridiculous, I want to bail and abandon my ship. As I was journaling this evening, I began trying to brainstorm (which is now what I do to retrain my anxiety) on how to at least make a dent in the task without overwhelming myself into despair and thus purging the attempted task into certain (yet indefinite) oblivion.  Let's just say that I dig myself a giant hole, panic when I realize what I am doing, think about how I can get out of the 3-5-year hole in 1 day, get overwhelmed because that's unrealistic and I can't commit to more than 1 day, then give up. I'm ignoring my anxiety at confronting a mess that I have made until I absolutely cannot avoid it anymore...

The problem is, I have become an EXPERT in avoiding. If this were Warcraft, I'm a guild leader. This Old House? Bob Vila. Painting happy trees? Bob Ross. I am the foremost authority in how to avoid anxiety by making busy with other stuff. I have my PhD in ADD. And I am (mostly) fully aware of it.

Brainstorming simple tasks (so simple like clothes, books, jewelry, no sorting, just grouping) brought on a hard, yet necessary look at my stuff problem. I have so much stuff and the stuff has emotions attached to it. This to me is a MAJOR issue. I have a hard time getting rid of certain sentimental items that would mean nothing to anyone else normal.  I suppose this might be linked to being rejected and holding on to "good emotions" - not having many friends, stuff begins to mean things.  This is an idolatry I would love to avoid examining, especially here in a public-ish way.  But it is an idolatry that has held me back too long. I can feel the sadness welling in my heart and mind as I think about such a ridiculous attachment because I know just under the surface it is masking yet more pain. Both pain to let go, but really pain that I didn't bother to resolve - it is the pain of very acute loneliness. Even admitting that now is hard.

While part of me feels shame in admitting that, part of me is so sad that I have felt so lonely for so long. Such isolation - almost a non-violent violent reaction if you think about it. People recede because their wounds are so large, then they turn to things that actually accumulate, but also cannot mend the loneliness. Just a mask. But to dismiss the emotions tied to the possessions is an error.  I'm so angry that I have to do it because I don't want to feel sad over things or even cry. But how can you get better if you don't address the illness? I know what God is calling me to do in addressing something "I really dont wanna" deal with. So far, God has been good to the little child that I act like - letting me deal with the things --> I <-- want to fix. But this is something I'd rather procrastinate on until the day before the second coming...certainly, my doofusy perception is that "it's harmless" but really, it keeps me in a clutter, overwhelmed, scrambling, and depressed because in that pile of nonsense is a pile of unresolved grief and emotion that "I just can't deal with right now." But I'm on holiday. And I just can't live life like this.

So, for you conceptual people out there, as I deal with the emotions and purge things that I ought not hold dear, I heard Dr. Phil (yus, I said it - bite me) say that you should pick your top 3 goals, and if some tasks and chores and things and, sometimes, people (the kind that are unhealthily involved in your life, I'm not suggesting some sort of "Eat Pray Love" vomitous philosophy), you need to make some ajust[deletions]ments.  This helped me to really take an honest look at how I'm drowning myself, my relationship to Jesus, and what I believe I am here to do. So, as I go in to the pit of despair, I hope to emerge triumphant, downsized, and emotionally healthier. Happy New Year, Erin

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 3

Ha! I hope that any of the 3 folks who read this are encouraged and helped through any trying time through which they are dragged kicking and screaming. I am living it and I am surviving it.

I have cried more on the way to work in the past 5 months than I probably cried between ages 7-10. I've probably had about 4 diagnosable (not a word), verifiable (a word) panic attacks. I have wracked my brain, stretched my limits, and spent myself on worry the past semester. I am so glad I dropped grad school in October for the time being. I think it's the first honest thing I've done for myself in several months.

My post about my dad really brought a great opportunity to meet with a counselor to work through it. And I will tell you, focusing on what is actually stewing in the cauldron of my heart rather than the absolute natural disaster-type devastation it has caused (or rather, poisoned) is the hardest thing I've had to do in working through my depression. My depression has subsided to a degree. I am motivated, I'm looking forward to finishing the semester, and I am getting things done. But, if I were a country, I'd be on the foreign aid list, needing food for the starving inhabitants, medicine for the sick, leadership in the political arena, an economic model to closely follow, and essentially, a 3rd world country. I, Erin, am a 3rd world country. That is not good.

I have gotten so used to neglecting and avoiding dealing with what's brewing in my heart that it is a task put off. I have too good a memory to write down my history. And it's not remarkable and actually boring. AND I don't remember it sequentially (this could be helped if I slowed down and really concentrated on thinking my writing through, but we have seen how that is). I've made it to first grade in my personal narrative, and that's nowhere when you consider I remember more and more as a I write through my past.  But I have to conquer what is eating me alive: what I believe about God's view of me, my view of me, my purposeful life, and what is right and wrong. If there is anything I have learned, it is that my parents have taught me certain platitudes as well as education that don't match up with the Bible - and these things I've kinda made a "personal law" are bondage that I am battling against. That's hard when you feel like they are your parents' rules, and you didn't break rules as a kid, so while the Bible is breaking some down with the TRUTH, you feel like you are disobeying the people you were taught to obey by violating their principles (or what your interpretation of those were). That is a beast of a task - a hairsplitting one at best.

What I can say is that by prayer, God has allowed me to examine how I am in my classroom, how I react or provoke, how I defuse a situation, how I make one worse, how I inspire, how I bore, what my strengths are and the great chasm that my weaknesses present to me being successful at what I currently do. God is using the difficult situation where I am in this career to breakdown falsehoods that are tightly woven into the perfect tapestry of His Law. It's not like the platitudes are necessarily bad - but they present a bondage to someone who zealously takes them to heart. They aren't to be treated as absolutes. And this is where I am examining my own personal philosophy and how my own mouth betrays a knowledge of the head unacknowledged in the heart. Unbelief is a killer, and I'm learning the role that knowing versus believing plays in it's ability to handicap even the most skilled at introspection.  It is hard to discern principles long harmonized to a young Christianity that aren't really Christian principles at all, but cultural ones that feel comfortable and seem valid.  I'm finding that certain passive-aggressive tendencies, the chaos and the drama, and my own lived-out philosophy are colliding because of a values mismatch. 

If you know anything about computer programming, you might know what an infinite loop is. If not, an infinite loop is when the user commits an error in a program and the computer tries to execute (the natural execution is repeat until result), and if you enter in a letter when you should have entered in a number, the computer can try working with the letter forever, not "aware" that it will never compute, but restarting the process each time to try for a result. This is what I am going through, but I'm finally tackling the lived-out philosophy because that needs reprogramming. All the chaos and emotions (like anxiety and depression) are residuals of a philosophy that is broken (for me, at least). And I need to rebuild from the Bible up. Knowing this has encouraged me to continue working while figuring out my difficulties with getting tasks accomplished - it has opened my eyes to some of the broken proverbs offered as wisdom by non-Christian-based "sages" who, while well-intended, have imprisoned many a student and free spirit.

What am I saying? I'm saying I gotta figure out what I really believe by examining who I really walk life out.  How I'm walking isn't looking too great, but at least I can bear witness to it and to the fact that something needs to and is about to change.

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 2

Alright, seems I had an epiphany when I wrote last time because I'm feeling a whole lot better about getting stuff done - but, ever the skeptic, we'll see how long I last.

I think the main thing is that I am actually doing something amazing by finally acknowledging the need for obedience to God in neglected areas of life. Good thoughts and feelings about Jesus don't mask the fact that some of my actions are the bullhorn of rebellion. So, here are the things, both conceptual and practical, that I am overhauling:

Conceptual:

1. Consistency - I've been consistently demotivated and deeply downcast. That's about it.  I haven't consistently packed my lunch for work, I haven't consistently even washed my hair (now, I AM hygienic, just constantly flying by the seat of my pants), I haven't consistently paid bills at the same time each month, I haven't consistently prayed or journaled, or really, read the Bible without hiccups, and if you read the blog, well, we know how THAT's been. So, goal? Consistency, stability, happy ritual (I hate the word routine - I'm a green personality [http://winning-solutions.com/Trainings/True_Colors/truecolor.html], it stresses us out).

2. Thinking and Practice - I'm working on how I overwhelm myself into oblivion and, painstakingly, breaking things down into itty bitty bite-sized pieces and squashing the notion that "I can accomplish everything I want to today." Let's call this killing that "all or nothing" perfectionist attitude. I just want to get SOMETHING DONE.

3. Moderation - I need to practice moderation and patience in all things, but particularly in impulsive things. I most def purchased a Keurig, but I had been contemplating that. When I got to Costco, the price was so right. Impulsive? Nah, the justification rationalizing capacitor in my brain has informed me not so. I'll only be going out when I absolutely must on a set day, rather than inventing reasons to leave the house (yus, I do this) to avoid what needs doin'. Moderation in eating, moderation in internet time, those two go without saying.

Practical:

1. Planning - Everything. I just need to. And it's okay to plan small stuff and get small stuff done if it works toward my main goal. This includes managing school things.

2. Finances - I am in serious debt - not that I cannot manage, but it's going to take a jaunt to fix it. So I need to work on a budget.

3. Weightloss - I just need to figure this crap out once and for all. I gained back weight after losing 30lbs, but lately, I am actually feeling horrible. I don't feel comfortable at all, feel fatigued and dehydrated, so it is time, frens, it is time to beat myself like an athlete does (checkout what the apostle Paul says about the athlete).

4. Home/Personal Maintenance - I am the anti-girl. Not that I am against girls, I just typically don't like girl things like makeup (though I like buying it), fixing my hair, clothes, cleaning constantly (really, I just loathe dishes), and making sure that I do maintenance appointments - nails, waxing, such and such. But I am finding that this is really needed for my job, since teenagers are so judgmental. I get my brows done regularly, but hadn't since the start of the school year - you wouldn't believe how many students, after I got them done last Saturday, said something to me about how good they looked - bruh, they just eyebrows! So this and cleaning are on the list.

So, this week, I report back on my experiment of the essential non-amazings, and hopefully, something amazing will occur. Don't forget to pray.

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 1

Background: Lately, I have been not handling basic chores at all, neglecting any sort of cleaning, most extra forms of maintenance (personal – putting on makeup, fixing my hair, picking out jewelry each day; car – oil needs to be changed again, tires rotated), taking care of cash flow issues and reimbursements. I am in desperation to understand my aversion to this because I’m fighting myself tooth and nail and tired of doing so. I’m looking for the switch that I need to flip, but that takes the help of God and introspection, so these are just ramblings, basically.

I hate cleaning and taking the time to clean and run errands. But, why? I was thinking today that I really need to search my heart about why some of these things are so hard for me.

I would say that I “just don’t care” or “Who cares?” Why is this important? No one cares about me and how I live. I don’t matter.

But I don’t think that’s why. I could say that and maybe some of it is true. But I was thinking more on it. I want to give up on trying to figure it out because the effort of having to brainstorm the causes and sift through feelings (like what is truly how I feel versus an idea) is somehow getting more difficult for me.

So I asked the question again. Cleaning makes me angry. It’s a task that never ends. I HATE that. Sometimes I just want things to be over with. Second, I’m under the illusion or delusion that I would be doing something “amazing” with my time, if I didn’t have to do household chores all the time. This need to do “amazing” bugs me to no end. Will I ever be a famous inventor? Will I ever produce a great song? Will I ever write a novel that will enable me to support myself through writing? Will I take a famous photograph or create a mini-movie that will change my life on YouTube? I know this sounds trite and stupid, but it’s what runs through my mind as I feel that I am settling into a task that isn’t “amazing” (I'm the queen of excuses of grandeur from time to time). Why are these things such a big deal to me? Why is creating and being known for that creation such an idol for me? Where did this come from? Really, how do I get over it to start remolding my life?

I hate small tasks that grate on my nerves: mailing paperwork for a rebate, submitting receipts for a reimbursement to insurance, calling people, buying tickets, scheduling people, collecting a check, even grading. Going to the bank is better because at least I get to go out. Then there is writing the budget. I hate it because it serves as a constant reminder of how far I have to go and how unmotivated and just lazy I have been. Haha, who wants to be reminded of that? So, like a mature adult, I avoid it until I absolutely have to do it, and it’s even more of a hideous monster chore than if I had just done it when it passed through my hands. How overwhelmed I feel is my fault and my fault entirely – I’m feeding the beast that makes me feel like I need to constantly run for my life.

And it’s just not working. I cannot avoid pain anymore, and that is what I have been trying to do, I think, as I write and reflect on why I have been avoiding. Changing habits, dealing with shortcomings, doing what I HATE doing and confronting the reality of poor choices all cause me pain. Who does not hate pain? For me, though, having felt very deep emotional pain since a young age, between severe, traumatic rejection by people, including my dad into recent years, has left me “not caring”, which is really just masking the fact that I don’t want to deal with the pain of doing, really, anything in addition to lingering other problems. I know that the myth is that I would use my “basic task” time for creating something amazing – but the truth is that I wouldn’t because I KNOW FOR A FACT that I would get frozen before I started, just paralyzed by all of the options available to me creatively: what medium? Is there a plan? What would the plan be? What feeling do I want to have? What am I going to capture? Why? What’s the point of that? A zillion people have been there done that. What’s the inspiration? Could I do this as a profession? How am I going to glorify Jesus? If I'm out for myself, that's wrong, so why create something if I'm gonna be tempted for my own gain as a primary factor?

At this point, I just want to tell my brain to shut up. I am overwhelming myself. If I do get started on a personal project, well let’s not lie and say that I will finish it. I feel like I’m constantly in the battle to finish things if I get them started. Cleaning is the same way as some other tasks. WHEN WILL IT END? And then I think “never,” and then I don’t bother. Back to square one at that point, where I pathetically try to psych myself up to do something, knowing that in the back of my mind, I’m thinking that I will fail yet again, and that somehow, I have made this horrible, resigned “I won’t finish it anyway” peace with it. As if, in some way, I feel like my personality and my habits are beyond my control. But in just writing this (which was the point), I think it’s because I know that I have no desire to cross the “pain barrier” to either start something or complete something started. So I make peace with failure (failure is something I absolutely hate) in order to avoid the greater evil of dealing with my pain-based frustration of having to do something that I don’t like, that’s not amazing, or that is ridiculously time-consuming (because I don’t wisely choose to go less ambitious for a starter project).

How on earth did I develop this need to do great in an instant? Why have I associated starting slowly with such a yucky feeling? Why do I want to be instantly good at something? Why do I hate ongoing projects so much along with routine? At least knowing I’m avoiding pain is a start. But there is more iceberg under that surface. Maybe perfectionism also plays a role. Probably.

Edit: Re-reading this, I know this is why I'm not keen on posting at 1:50 AM, and two, just so that everyone understands - there are multiple layers at work here - the surface is that I'm struggling just to finish even a chore; the middle is that I'm deceived that my time would be better spent in another pursuit, which I basically don't bother pursuing if I bail on the chore anyway (I feel guilty to boot, besides the option-overload); and on the deepest level, the desire to do something "great" is at conflict with the greater desire to avoid pain and almost certain frustration from having to work through an accumulated chore (now bigger because I avoided it) along with establishing new habits (after having wanted to be "fast" at fixing it, and the chore not getting done in one "session" because it has become so large). To conclude, pray for me.

Confrontation...

A lot has been happening lately. I have struggled through this entire year like no year before. Tonight I started a new bible study that is forcing me to confront something that I don't want to touch with a 10-foot pole: My relationship with my dad.

My father decided to quit our 18-year family for a younger, married woman.  Being a stickler for doing the right thing, I was shocked and deeply wounded. I still am.  It served to reveal to me how selfish people can be - not just in leaving, but expecting us to "role with the punches" of their choices. I was baffled as my father got angry at me for not simply "accepting" this mere "indiscretion".  What his behavior revealed to me about some fathers these days is their complete compartmentalization of how their own children feel about their betrayal of a whole family. The world at large looks on at a husband and wife as a sort of business transaction that has no impact on their children. What a hideous lie from the pit of hell.  I was told to just "get over it." I was told that it had been so long - the idea that time reduces the pain of an offense is a myth, especially when that person is so close to you in relationships. I was told that I must have been brainwashed by my mom - an offense beyond painful because my mother has only EVER maintained that we sustain a relationship with our father.

But my dad doesn't call. He doesn't email but only once in a while when his own nostalgia moves him to say something. He used to get mad at me that I missed a phone call (when I was actually talking to him), or would be angry that I didn't call him. It didn't seem to be enough that I'm a girl, and the daughter, and he is a man, and the father that he should initiate. The interesting thing about missing his phone call was that countless times I called, he didn't pick up or return a call. Then I'd miss one call, and he would complain about the phone, or why do we even have phones because we never even answer them, etc. It got to the point where I would say, "Is your phone broken? Because I understand it works both ways." That's the level of impatience and exasperation at the utter stupidity of the complaints reached. I wasn't constantly bringing up the fact that, oh, hey, you decided that your own narcissism was more important than actually taking leadership of your family, you coward, even though I thought it. It was unreal to me that he would complain about anything, given that he hadn't really apologized for the pain that he caused.

Why am I airing this? To tell you that God is not allowing me to push back dealing with this lately. He won't let me procrastinate on dealing with the issue. My anger is eating me alive, and if anything I've realized lately, it's that anger does spread and seep into other things, like work. I have to deal with this somehow. My dad has heard from me before, but he hasn't really listened. I think the most I could ask is that he understand and feel some remorse for what he did and how he has been absent the last 8 years. What I have resisted was being the one to initiate the re-engineering this tattered rope-bridge between us. He hasn't repented. There has been no apology.  He married the adultress this June. I really don't want to do this at all. But God is speaking, and I MUST listen. The Holy Spirit is compelling me to listen and I'm submitted enough to Jesus that I cannot even pull myself away from listening! But I'm praying. After hearing Beth Moore's message tonight, I know that the same hole she was speaking of, referring to unresolved family issues, is eroding my peace and joy.  I can still feel the anger rising in my heart, even unto hatred. But greater to me is obeying God, despite the basically on-demand tears I feel come on as I even reflect on this chapter that has damaged my life since my dad left when I was 17. All I can ask is that if you happen to read this, to pray with me. Of the great heart chores that I need to, this is the most painful and difficult of them all. I would ask that if you have encouragement to offer, to avoid platitudes because they make a legalism out of a true healing that needs to cover sincere, painful, and raw suffering.

More Weeping, But Then, A Breakthrough...

My previous posts have been filled with great, honest strife. Many times, I was sad, sometimes, I was unrepentant, other times, I was angry, and all of the time I was so depressed. Some posts were born out of my frustration with my own procrastination (and often, were a by-product of it) and others were me rambling, hoping that out of the public journaling (which to me, is journaling either way), I would discover some lingering insight into my troubles. It has happened before, so I thought why not give it a shot.

However, God always surprises me, and rather than teaching me the same way, often does something new. This time, while unremarkable to most, I did, finally, have a breakthrough last night, though I still felt depression rise with me in the morning.

Last night, the pressures overwhelmed me. I had procrastinated on certain things again, but this time, the true nature of that pressure wasn't as crushing as what I had experienced this last spring. The emotions had been, though. God had really prepared my heart by both the sermon my pastor preached yesterday morning (and also, something about the worship on Sunday was very profound and necessary to me) and a message I heard the night before on end times that was simply pertinent to the need to repent presently as Christians. Rather than downcast, as some might perceive a message to be, I found it very hopeful and encouraging toward repentance. It's amazing how people sharing through the power of the Holy Spirit and grounded in God's Word (really, how can the two be separated) can encourage someone feeling so discouraged. My emotions ebbed after a while, as will happen when sermons close, but I needed to really pursue these feelings this time. I really needed to share with God that I needed a breakthrough and that He was the only One who could do it.

I began crying in the shower, then I journaled, but I needed to cry loudly. I didn't want to disturb my mom or sister and I didn't want to be disturbed, so I got in my car and left. I went to the nearby library parking lot, which is where I camp out sometimes to pray intensely in my car. I guess you could say that is my prayer closet. I need extreme privacy when I pray intensely like that. I feel vulnerable because, so often, I don't control my emotions and what I pray to the Lord is so personal, I feel like He is the only One who uniquely understands me. I don't mean to discount the body, but there is so much power in focused time with the Lord alone.

Aside: I want to share this experience in the great hope that it can help some depression sufferers out there who happen to be high-achievers or were once overachievers who have slipped into despair.

I knew that I had a limited time to pray. I really needed to get to bed, but I really needed that breakthrough as well. God and I were both aware that I had responsibilities that I did not need to neglect, and He really honored that, probably because He knew that this time, I was well aware that I would refuse to use Him as yet another way to procrastinate. And really, this time the flood gates opened so much that it was probably the second most exhausting moment of wretched sobbing that I have ever had, second only to when my parents told us that they were divorcing and my dad had just moved out. My lungs were working so hard that I felt like a muscle that had been so strained had finally released. Letting go of the emotions felt so cleansing, but there was so much of it, I really couldn't enjoy the relief. And the reality was that the problems were still there; I merely, but more profoundly, understood them better.

Almost all of the paralyzing depression and demotivation (specifically regarding my profession and that was beginning to seep into my graduate studies) is (and now, was) linked to my own experiences in school and deep, dark wounds and unbelief that I had adopted. In my weeping prayers, I had to confess to the Lord that my inadequacies, weaknesses, and shortcomings had been consuming me as a hidden, sinister monster damaging and defiling everything I was trying to accomplish. I wish I could describe how real the despair was (I'm hoping I never have to use "is" in this aspect of life ever again) - how crushing and heartrending the sense of utter failure and hopelessness was to me last night. While appearing so much an achiever in many ways, the sense of failure and shortcoming had been steadily drowning me like a person wearing down clothing in a cold river. I could not fight it off anymore and the water was bringing me down. I could not breathe for the failure I was feeling myself to be. I could not account for it. I had to confess the feeling. I had to confess how angry I was at myself. I had to confess that I was holding myself to a ridiculously impossible standard that was, in effect, killing my heart. 

What an awful feeling! I'm having a hard time writing about it, as if it would come back with my reflection - that is how awful and evil this thing is. 

Praying to the Lord, I knew that He had heard my prayer, and I had confessed all of the horrible feelings of weakness to Him.  I mean, profound weakness - begging the Lord to teach me the lessons that I missed in childhood and in adolescence because I had seen how others were rearing their children, wondering if I could recover from the gaps. Could I be a better Christian and follower of Christ even though my foundation was such a muddle of Christianity and secular moralistic platitudes? (e.g., "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all" - Where in creation is this in scripture? Define "good". Most will interpret good as positive, and therein lies danger for little minds interpreting sayings that need qualifier). Could I learn to be a disciplined, routine-oriented person when I really wasn't trained in that way? Could I reclaim ground so that when my children were born, my good habits would maybe be caught, rather than me pulling a "do as I say, and not as I do"? Of all of the cliches that I hate, that has to be the worse. I hated the thought that I would continue with a giant gap between who I wanted to be (someone disciplined, motivated, and consistent in doing there work) with who I was (flying by the seat of my pants, always rushing, always last minute, always stressing, always guilty for not focusing on work every minute, always anxious, always scrambling, always miserable and grouchy, always frustrated, and always overwhelmed [see how much more pleasant the first parenthetical would be for me??]). And the failure of not being able to change compounded with the failures of the past and my overwhelming knowledge of my great weaknesses were making me ill, miserable, and worst of all, hopeless.

Praying last night did not make me feel immediately better in the sense that I felt I would fix everything overnight - that couldn't happen because there was so much (and is so much) to do. But the combination of that, singing praise music, praying/crying on the way to work (I'm pathetic, I know, but you know what, I'm okay with that), then confessing to my colleague, a sweet, devout Catholic with such a hear to help and encourage, that I just didn't feel cut out for the job, made me feel infinitely better. I asked her about her experience as a teacher, if it was her lifelong dream (what is my deal with finding this "life long dream?" I just want to know that people have been okay without one), and she told me that she never imagined that she would teach. But that through circumstances, she had become a teacher. And I felt so relieved that someone knew that I had been indecisive and struggled with so many aspects of my job. I felt like I wasn't alone and that even though I didn't have this euphoric love for it, that I could still learn to be great and do a good job. And that really helped me this morning. As the day progressed, I felt better. And into this evening, I felt much more committed to my work in both teaching and graduate school to the extent that I felt better about maintaining a routine. With the confession of failure, weakness, and impossible standards behind me, I finally felt the freedom to work toward a true routine with some flexibility and boundaries. While working out the kinks of knowing my true limits is going to be an uphill journey, I'm convinced that 65% of the worst is behind me. I actually feel inspired to "go and be" without some ridiculous expectation humming in the background noise of my brain. I feel allowed to be bad at something and work toward better, good, and proficient without having to conquer so many emotions tied to possible failure and hatred based on perceived eminent failure because my impossible standards were so high. I really feel like I'm finally on the road to recovering from procrastination. With some good prioritizing skills, I think I will be out of the 25 year hole and mentality.  That is an awesome thought to me. What a miracle - and yet the shift feels small, but so relieving and hope-building that all I can do is praise Jesus because really, God is who has brought this mercy to me at such a critical time. I'm so grateful for my relationship with Jesus that has given me such healing in my life.  Please pray that God protects me and that I devote time to honoring Him. My victory will diminish if I do not cling to the Lord, so please pray that I honor the promptings of the Holy Spirit and commit to making time for and with Him. I am so grateful for this breakthrough, but it is fragile if I take it for granted. I want to continue in this renewed and peace-giving success. I feel like my quest for direction has been eased because I can at least focus on what is here in the present. And that is hope that only the Savior could have given. In the name of He who upholds the universe by the word of His power, Erin

A process and a project...

In reflecting over the summer's ups and downs (or rather, mostly consistent downs) and trying to figure out what I need to do and where I need to go from where I am at, I decided as I sat in the sermon on Sunday that I need to do something about, well, everything. I have to get some clear vision as well as deal with the emotional things that I am in the midst of right now. I need a project. So, I'm going to write here what the aim is, who I aim to serve, and my hopes and ambitions through the whole process.

What am I doing? Well, I'm a young woman with directionless ambitions. What? Yep. It's a quick way to hopelessness wanting to do something but not knowing what to do. My goal - fix the "not knowing what to do" part. Let's face it, as long as I am imperfect (which will be until I die and meet my Perfector face to face and see His pierced hands), I've got plenty to do. Why am I thinking "I don't know what to do"? There's plenty to work on. My goal is to outline, as best I can, to the minutiae (I'll explain why minutiae is important to me), what I need to work on mastering in each area of my life in the most practical, easy-to-digest ways. It won't be all puppies and kitties and rainbows, but I need to know what's going on in my heart and define the vague thoughts and beliefs that govern my actions and attitudes if I want to get better and make changes. I have to do the hard work of examining my heart's motivations (or lack thereof).

Who am I doing it for? First answer, myself. But I am going to post this on my blog in the hope that I can encourage other women in my position (single, mid-twenties, and dealing with their junk). I have no ambitions of trying to "speak into someone's life" because I generally feel too screwed up to do that, but I will post in the hopes that others out there don't feel so alone in trying to figure out a shattered life with fragmented thoughts.

What do I hope to achieve? I hope to find out why I'm so stubborn, why I can't just decide on something and do it, and why I have constant internal battles about doing good things that can only help myself to achieve better for Jesus and consequently my own well-being. We have enough to battle out there besides fighting ourselves about everything. And while Romans 7 indicates that there will be a lifelong battle, some of the things I am fighting are childish things, and I need to put those things behind me and grow up.

How am I going to do it? I am long winded (uh, hello) and I probably won't post all the responses I give to the questions I am going to ask, but the ones that I feel the most profound to me and ground breaking, I will give and share my answers. My brain works through asking questions that require reflection to help get further down into my thought process. While I don't know about Dr. Phil's theology, one thing he says did stick with me - we do continue behaviors because there is a payoff. I need to ween my heart off of the payoff in order to stop the behavior because I have learned (and apparently, haven't learned well enough!!!) that I cannot play this game on the field of habits and behaviors. I need to fight it on the deep personal-philosophy, unbelief vs. belief, heart level of my actions. Therein, I firmly believe, lies victory. So, I will post a list (shortly, I hope) of areas of belief/life that overflow into action. I welcome ANY woman to post an area that they think I have missed (because I am asking these questions to myself), because I am about to examine my life. I think change is afoot.