Tuesday, February 13, 2018

The Better Friend

I struggle with balancing the scale in my life. I'm not speaking of balancing work and home life, but balancing the actions of others and my own response. We could boil it down and give it some cheap name like "tit for tat," but to simplify it like that is to be dismissive of the enormous amount of emotional math my brain goes through to reconcile things. It is mental and emotional exercise to reconcile things that happen, things that happen to me, my emotions, and my response to anything based on those emotions - the most complicated math always involves people.

In my quest for maintaining equal in my head, I often lose my heart in the mental math of things that happen. It is hard for me to function when things are unequal in my perception, which is why I try to balance the scale... which is why I struggle to push my heart into a disadvantage - to where I'm willingly in pain for the sake of other(s). I'm finding that God is shoving me out of my attempts to balance things.

I feel grief keenly - it just doesn't leave me - and I'm actively trying to embrace grief as a rather incessant reality and find Jesus and joy in it. It is hard to field the notion that your sorrows won't be resolved this side of the cross - that there are irrevocable actions here on earth. I practice reassurance with my students and with people who are prone to panic that "it is fixable" - that is a mostly-true statement in the reality where and when I live; most things are fixable. But we all wade into the deep end sometimes and lose precious things to the sea. I have lost some precious things and figuring out how to live with that without really losing myself to the sadness is work that my heart is navigating constantly.

I truly believe that God has given me insight and discernment through this in pushing through hardship - knowing what hardship really means. Consequently, I am facing what it really means to love when life becomes adversarial - when we become adversarial people. What does it really mean to bear with one another? What does it really mean to love your enemy? Or someone who became your enemy? What does it mean to forgive really? What does it mean to forgive selfishness? What does it mean to forgive deception? Dishonesty? Disloyalty? Adultery? Theft? Ridicule? Rejection? Pride? Anger?

I mean, if I believe this stuff that Jesus says - that I am to obey what He tells me to do, love others more than myself - I have massive amounts of self to die to... it means I knowingly allow myself to endure pain for the chief end of demonstrating I believe what I say - that I am to live the Gospel out for others so they might know it too. Others suffer in prisons and forgive, I probably should have the fortitude of the Holy Spirit to endure those things that don't threaten my physical being. That's not to say that it's easy, but I live in a land where leaving any commitment, a promise, a marriage, a bond is more convenient than ever. Removing yourself from any circumstance in America, in my American culture, is more a matter of mind than, well, matter. It's a hard decision sure, but most often, we have the means to make it happen and the means to minimize our pain in doing so.

But is this giving up? I ask myself this constantly. If a situation is terribly abusive, likely not. But that's not what I mean.  Surely parents know well what "not giving up" is. They know that you don't give up on your kids - you stop enabling, you stop coddling, but you don't ever give up - that love is too on fire, too strong to give up on your child. Isn't that what God the Father lives? He is the longest suffering of any of us. If I have any goodness, God's own goodness is unfathomably greater than mine. If I have love for someone, God's love is immeasurably deeper than mine. What does that say of Christ then? Of what He did for His brothers and sisters, His earthly father, His earthly mother? And if I am called to be like Him? As He forgives each who left him to bear the cross to the point of crucifixion without solace? As He, who has done no wrong, dying for those who will glory in wrongdoing until God continually sanctifies them?

Surely then, the chasm between me and those who have sinned against me is a might smaller than the chasm that once stood between me and God. Greater were my offenses against Holy God than those who did offend me from where I stood. Yet He continually teaches me kindly, not with the punishment I am surely due (for certainly, we have ALL felt anger against those whom we have born, helped, nurtured, when they turn their weapons of sin on us). In light of what I know, I have immense pressure to let my love overlook sin, even unacknowledged sin, and be kind and loving in any rebuke I undertake to give. I'm hard-pressed to caption any betrayal or lie perpetrated against me as worse than what I am guilty of toward the Lord.

I'm being reminded over and over again, through tears, through ache, to call upon the Lord to do what I cannot and be whom He always is: be The Better Friend. Do I really love my friends? Do I really love my family? Do I really love those who position themselves as enemies against me and mine? Do I really mean it? It is the worst struggle - the lack of reciprocation - that my brain mathematically contends with on the human level. But within the context of God's scale to mine, there will never be reciprocation for the Lord; He is my beginning and my end. My debt can only grow because God is the source of any good I do. He must be both Author and Perfecter, I do nothing of my own good-making.

So lately, all of the impossible that I feel led to:
Ask for forgiveness though my offense may not be "greater" so that my pride continues to die; be the first to forgive; be fast to forgive; be patient if my forgiveness isn't asked (as God does His work and patiently waits for us); be the mature believer, reserving anger for appropriate times and seeing God's work as paced differently in the lives of others, even though I may be wounded in the waiting; trust God to work in those whom He has called at the speed which pleases Him; be the mature believer who does not take offense deeply into heart but patiently waits in kindness to offer grace and speak truth in love; give thanks for all the good I still have in this life; always be willing to hear my offender if they reach out as a check on my hardness of heart and self-righteous pride; be quick to listen; resist the evil one who thrives on suspicion, lies, deception, and pride; fight for peace and unity without compromising truth nor conviction; acknowledge the Lord in all my ways; allow others to lean into and lean on me; be a minister of reconciliation.

As Christ must increase, I must decrease. My grief may never be truly acknowledged, past, present, future, but still He bids me: be the better friend. Though it cost me much and I do it with tears, may I obey with joy.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Poor Casting Call: The Theater of Life

The last time I wrote a blog was in March of last year. And I felt it narcissistic. But I am coming back. I enjoy writing and putting thoughts out there. It helps me work through things and maybe even get feedback on how others have overcome similar things. Rather than talk about all that happened last year, I'll do that at the end and rather, tackle the idea I'm having with the title here.

A while ago, I wrote about how I felt like maybe I was wanting things I thought I was supposed to want - not actually tapping into where I want my life direction to go. That murmur has morphed into a notion I had tonight as I wrote in my journal (yeah I wrote a lot there before even getting here).

The idea? Did I poorly cast myself in my own life?

I'm reading Jon Acuff's book Quitter, which I have owned for longer than I care to admit and just started reading because I'm buying Kindle books at a shameful pace. He is fabulously entertaining and freeing. He has made me re-approach how I am trying to find my dream career/job. The problem is, I couldn't even decide as a kid. There are definitely things I'm good at (like saying something that lands me in hot water) and things that I am bad at (caring about fashion and dressing myself well). But when he posed the question, borrowed from Simon Sinek "What is your WHY?" All I have is the answers and church answers I "should" say. It's like I have so cloaked over what is really in me with Christianese speak that I have fogged up the mirror on stuff that isn't sinful - I need to see it so I can go somewhere.

As I was writing to myself, I was painfully and embarrassingly reminded that I see myself in some sort of movie of myself as I view my life... some sort of romanticized moments and murmurs coming of age tripe that feels like a performance in my head. It's as though I'm trying to figure out how it should be looking without actually living at it. And I'll tell you, I fill my time with parts both good and wasteful, but some link is missing somewhere... and I think it's where my deep grief about how things just don't go how you hope lurks. At the higher elevations of my life, there is happy and there is bubbly, but in that wonderful forest and wilderness is a cavern, and inky, black sadness rises like a poisonous gas and takes out some of the trees and plants and goodness in that forest. I'm desperate to try to choke it off, but it's DEEP in there - beneath who I THINK I am.

So, I have been wrestling. And the thought occurred to me - I am a poorly cast actor in my life. I'm playing to "shoulds" a lot and it is making me have these depression episodes where I am LOST because, well, emotionally I cannot reconcile myself to this role that I am not. The reality is that I am not in a life movie... I'm in a life. And I have no clue who I'm playing to because, much as I love and enjoy people, deep down, I am not really wanting to be included in things or accepted in others - I'm actually really okay by myself. I think what some folks are doing is cool and think "why can't we be buddies," but truly, I don't think we would jive as the type of every day friend I would want. I'm not opposed, but I'm okay with it "not working." It has come down to me asking myself, but do I really want to be friends? And I don't. And that knowledge has me wondering, where else do I think I "should" want something where, actually, I don't know?

I stand at this weird precipice where I can get off easily and go about the acting gig and fruitlessly trying to make myself into who I am not and stuff God knows I know is making my life unnecessarily mopey, or I can do the work of figuring out the answer to these questions using some hardcore honesty and ignoring the church answer that is in my head. I want the Jesus truth in my life, redeemed authenticity, not the "blurb" statements of piety. I just hope I know where to start.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Battles in Planning

I have not written a blog post in almost exactly 3 years. It feels like a narcissistic hobby, but I wanted to write a post today in the hopes that I help someone who has felt hopeless as a planner like myself.

Let me launch first by saying that I am a terrible, awful planner. I am a wonderful maker of to-do lists, and thoughts swim through my head all the time. I am terrible at "confronting" my day. It's hard to articulate the "why" of how I dread each day in the morning - nothing particularly bad will or is going to happen, but it's as though I cannot let go of today because I have some hatred for tomorrow. I'm not suicidal. I just feel like I don't know what I'm looking forward to.

This got me to thinking - Why do I dread tomorrows? I go and do fun things and I enjoy my life at many moments, but it's like while one part of life is humming along happily, there is a low-level current dread of existing under it. So I began the process of working through the answer to the question of Why do I dread tomorrow? Why am I not looking forward to another day?

A few things about me - I am a messy person and it has gotten worse (only recently better through this process); I have a million ideas and I can't pick one I like best; I feel melancholic and ecstatic many moments at a time - I can go from one to the other instantaneously, one is not harder to move to or from than the other; I feel like my life is both radically out of control and sometimes manageable and sufficiently in control (I let go of the "perfectly" in control thought long ago). I'm a born again Christian. I struggle with making choices vs. things just happening and being stuck where I am. I'm conflicted because mercies are new every morning and instead, I dread every morning. I'm conflicted because my hope is in Christ but I feel hopeless. I don't know what I'm working toward - while I try to bring God glory, how am I to do that when I don't know my life's work?

When it started...
Earlier, at the end of January, early February, the stuck-ness was really clawing at me. I was struggling with purpose and direction (and still am), and plain lack of discipline because I was struggling with what the point of it was. I'm single, I don't have people over because I almost don't know how to do it, and I'm floating around out in the lake of life, aimless. Who cares about me? Does it matter? And I began praying about those isolating thoughts and notions, and I decided to ask around. I asked my pastor and my successful friend Erick for books on purpose, motivation, and discipline. The thing was, I had already bought critically acclaimed books I hadn't touched. My pastor gave me a lot of his time, though. We chatted about the melancholy and the tendency toward it verses the overpowering-soaking in it. And we prayed. I'm convinced the prayer laid the groundwork for learning to take place because I felt like I had made the first steps in articulating what I have struggled with since high school - what am I supposed to do? How do I change my thinking, my approach, my attack to get ahead from being behind? Am I chasing an illusion?

Getting around to it...
February was a blur of grading and vacation, but I had to accomplish two things before a deadline: clean my desk at school and clean my house before vacation. I was determined to be done in my classroom by the time school was out on the Friday before break, and knowing me, it was not likely to happen. Then it was the house after that. Somehow, by God's grace, I got the classroom done by 4 pm, a record for me. I have never been done that early - it was a milestone that I undertook from Wednesday to Friday. It was great leaving a clean, tidy (from the inside out - filing cabinet, cabinet, and desk innards were organized) that I know I would return to. It was then on to the house.

The house was a mess. I was so hectic for so long, that it had not had a good, deep cleaning since November. There was trash and dirty dishes and an entire Kohl's worth of dirty laundry. It also needed to be scrubbed - literally. I have dogs, and the dirt, dust, and mud left an orange-gray tinge to literally everything - the way a fire leaves soot everywhere. Time to buckle up. I tossed, I washed, I scrubbed, I wiped, I swept, I mopped, I vacuumed, I moved rugs and mountains, I did everything I had left undone for months. Mom was going to stay and, as I have Latina Mama Syndrome (LMS), you better believe it had to be spotless. And it was. Except the couches, which Latina Mama handled graciously while I was gone. She also cleaned the microwave which was my favorite part.

I ached so badly after those two days, I spent the rest of my break in Orlando wrapped in pain - feet, spine, it was intense. But I felt accomplished. I did not realize that these were called "small wins" until reading a book I picked up months ago via Kindle. It was time for a change, and this book opened my eyes.

Flickering light bulbs...
Small wins are tiny victories that have chain-reactive properties - they set you off onto a path of change upon which you can build, accepting both large and small victories as progress, taking failure and setback in stride. Small wins must be small - the book I'm reading (The Power of Habit) talks about how big, radical changes hardly stick. It is usually one small victory that acts as a catalyst to others. In reading the book, I have found what I'm doing wrong in planning and goal-setting, but more than that - it opened my eyes to my stuck-ness. It has to do with some bits of approach and some bits of execution.

The book illuminated what Ben Franklin already seemed to do inherently: change small habits rather than radically alter life. If you read Franklin's writings, he talked about keeping track of habits. So little of what he did was radically changing life. Every time I have tried to plan and change my life, it has involved some idea of radically changing things - it doesn't stick with me. And forever, I have thought this was something up with me. Wrong. It fails most of us. The book speaks about keystone habits. Something similar had happened to me when God healed me of social anxiety in 2009 - a lie I believed died that day. Like a domino, that experience touched off other events. I was healed of emotions and thoughts and underlying patterns of behavior that flowed out of the well that lie was. It was poisonous water I kept dipping into. With it gone, my entire personality changed.

And here was this book, this month, this year, telling me that this is a thing with habits.

Working through the book, my brain started connecting. In theology, there is this idea of unbelief - we don't get emotionally and spiritually better because we are steeped in unbelief (this is not in reference to physiological issues, though I believe those can be healed, but not because we do/don't believe it can happen). That was anxiety for me. I didn't believe that I could work through anxiety without knowing the historical issues and experiences and narratives I wrote in my dumb head that caused me to fret so much. And I prayed for God to heal that unbelief - He did, revealing a lie I believed at the core of my being. Feeling it die like a weed that withers, thoughts in my head changed, undercurrents of worry melted, and I knew I had become different in a literal instant.

Fast forward to 2017, March. I am in the heat of grad school, county endorsement assignments, grading, teaching, and drowning. I need to read something that may give me hope. And this book illuminates why my attempts to change fail - I don't believe I can.  The book is called The Power of Habit but for me, it should be called the power of belief.

What if, like unbelief that leads me to stunted growth in my faith is akin to my belief I cannot change? For a while I had known that there was a dysfunction in my faith about choice, happening, and change. I have had more faith in sin and shortcoming than God's ability to overcome it. I have believed every effort to be in my own strength, therefore abdicating success before I even began an attempt. It did not occur to me that I should consider believing in my ability to change was not faith in myself, but trusting that God would be there to help me stop sin because I am already one with Christ. This book illuminated that it has been a form of unbelief in Christ's indwelling strength that I can change. For a long time, I was convinced that God's got to do it and in some Hollywood way I thought it would look like.

It reminded me of Jesus, whom was anticipated as the coming Messiah, but was not the form the Israelites hoped for. They were looking for a warrior king that would make a physical kingdom. They could not fathom the humble King whose aim and joy is so much greater - restored relationship with the Living God. It was out of left field.

Here I am, reading a secular book that God used to show me that I am NOT powerless, but that believing I can change is empowering because Christ has enabled me to do it. I have not believed that He has given me power by the blood to change - that we are one when I repented and accepted Him as Savior. The issue is that I have believed every attempt or desire to change has arisen through my human effort and flesh, which I have believed would fail, in which case, I have failed. Every single time. What God is showing me is that, like St. Patrick, Christ before me and Christ behind me, Christ within me and Christ is with me. I am one with Christ, and with that, there is authority I NOW have over myself to change and I ought to believe that it WILL happen by vehicle of my Christ empowered and sustaining effort. It does NOT need to be a fight against myself because I NOW BELIEVE that I can change. I no longer hold that a belief in my ability to change is an idolatry because God has put it right in its place: I MUST believe in the power of CHRIST to work change in and through me. Believing that I can change can be divorced from the idea that change is due to faith I must have in myself. Faith in myself would be idolatry, but it doesn't mean that I can't change, it means I have faith in the authority Christ has given me over my choices. THAT has changed my life, and come in a package I never expected, like Jesus himself.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Joy in Singletown USA

I thought I'd wrote about something that I'm enjoying lately - single life (sans dating). I say sans dating only because so often people love their single life for the opportunity to go out with so many people. I'd like to differentiate myself from those folks. While I'm trying to Dave Ramsey my financial life (his name is best used as a verb), I'm finding myself renewed in my enjoyment of being single.

I'm writing this in hopes to encourage ladies out there. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to be married one day, but I find grace constantly pressing on me to just love this time with the Lord and on my own. I simply cannot pity myself or feel terrible that I'm not in the same life stage as so many others in my vicinity (and on Facebook). I have moments of the blues and sometimes people forget about you because, hey, you're a unicycle and there aren't kids in the picture and it's apparently weird for married people to pursue new relationships with a singular person (hence the rarity of hanging out with new, married friends - at least in my experience and in many I've observed). But despite that, I can't help but relish the freedom and independence I enjoy. Can't beat only having to agree with yourself about small things!

1) I recently adopted a puppy, who has brought me lots of joy…and sorrow as I leave him home when I head to work.

2) My money is free of permission slips. Can't beat managing your own money and not having to think of 2 or more people. Thankful that my cash doesn't go to things destroyed by a small army I created. Instead it buys awesome things like USB cords and anime. //sarcasm on that last one

3) Cooking - maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Don't have to. Often don't want to. Can I? Yes. But joining my friends for trivia at ye olde pub is worth way more fun than cooking and cleaning the mess up. No one expects me to do it and my skill at rationalizing a meal out is unthwarted by today's menfolk who expect both bread winning and bread baking.

4) Other people's kids are hilarious. I'm not the type to shy away from kids. My singleness isn't out of aversion to responsibility nor children (I find those singles ignorant and missing out). Besides being a teacher, I have so many stories from caring for other people's kids. What's great about other people's children is that you get to see what works and what doesn't. You get to see, "Hey, I want to know how they are getting their kids to be this way," etc. You get to laugh at the hilarious things they say. Or you get to experience your favorite classic movies with them who might be seeing them for the first time. You relive your childhood in a way that is hard when you are childless. Plus you earn a little extra gas cash for things like last minute trips to visit your buddy in Kentucky.

5) Graduate school is an opportunity to meet new people from all walks of educated life and actually spend some time with them since I'm virtually obligatory person free. I've learned not just from my classes but from engaging with other people in my program. The experience working with my professors has been one more of comradery and collaboration than parent-child. It's a glorious "we're all adults here" atmosphere. I feel more of an adult in this context than even at my job. There's something about connecting professionals looking to better themselves.

6) Sleeping alone is awesome. Okay there is awesomeness I am missing out on, sure. But being unconscious in a giant bed is still amazing when no one is snoring or stealing covers or sick. Granted, my dog can fulfill any one of those annoyances should I miss it. But sleep (and non-extra body heat) is definitely a perk people don't appreciate.

7) Chick flicks for me and no sharing the remote is joyous. I don't have to pretend to watch sports or endure Halo in the background. I also do not have to listen to Dora, who, like myself, is a very LOUD Latina, making declarative statements for 30 minutes. The Spanish-fluent squirrel is da bomb though. I watch Downtown without anyone whining about it and I don't even have barter!

8) Perhaps the greatest opportunity I have is the ability to serve at will and last minute. Because I don't have to check in, I'm able to drop what I'm doing to help out. There's so much satisfaction to be found in helping or accommodating others. It really blesses them and rewards me just in knowing I could be of use though I'm not constantly depended upon by people I call my own. In any case, I'm able to serve in many ways and free to be as busy or relaxed as I choose.

Just wanted to share these. I don't by any stretch imagine I would regret going on to the next stages, God willing, but rather enjoy what I have right now. If you haven't tried some of the above, I highly recommend them.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

An Open Door...

It's been a long time since I wrote a post. That has been intentional, but lately I've felt the need to share about my summer and the amazing things that have happened since then.

Coming out of my previous teaching experience in Gwinnett, while the year was the best that I'd had ever, my heart was to come back home to Acworth where my church was. In march, I set a limit on myself that I would job search until the 30th of June. If I couldn't find another position closer to home, I was going to stay put, find a roommate and an apartment, and find a new church home and community. My heart would be broken, but I would know that I'd done what I could to find something closer to home.

April came with no interviews. May came with no interviews. June came with no interviews. I was sad. I'd applied in the business world and in the education market, and all was silent on the western front. I was bummed. I was disappointed. But I knew that I'd tried everything, applied everywhere, and gave it my all. I'd already set myself back by doing poorly in graduate school, it was painful to not at least find a job near home. I'd prayed for something different. Over Spring Break, I'd prayed that I would have clarity in what to pray for. And there were two things I came away with - working closer to home and being able to earn more.

And nothing. I felt like God had given me those two things to pray for so that I could develop community in my community and get out of debt while being in a position to financially help others. And July came and I was down, but I resolved to commit myself to the school in Gwinnett...then the calls came in. Right before I was heading back to the system for pre-planning, a school (an excellent school) in Roswell called me for an interview. I would have gotten the job - they don't call you just before the start of school to not hire you. But the distance was still 50 minutes from my home. I'd said I couldn't, but I called a friend to see if I should call them back and say I actually would like to interview. She said she thought not to bother unless it's just right - at home. I said okay and hung up my misgivings. I was going to be okay where I was.

Then, two days later, it happened. The Wednesday before I was supposed to return to Gwinnett on Friday, a school in the same cluster where my first job was called me. They wanted to know if I was interested in interviewing. Without hesitation I said yes, and all the hope I'd ever had bubbled up. I immediately called my superiors at the Gwinnett school - and they said something that shocked me: I should do what is right for me. I was blown away by their support even though I might put them in a tight position. It happened that they had interviewed two people for one position - both whom they had liked - and one could take my vacancy if there was one. My AP was going to allow me to leave training to go to my Friday interview.  I began to hope, and I wanted to burst at the seams.

I had my interview, which I had mixed thoughts about. I wanted the job so badly, but I couldn't feel out anything. The waiting game was awful. I called the school Monday, and waited again. I knew they would start their school year on Thursday. Monday evening, I'd heard nothing. I was convinced I didn't have the job. I'd been through the job wringer so many times. It was my fifth time entering the ring - and I had a good right hook, but nothing was ever a guarantee. The next day I went to the new teacher onboarding for Gwinnett - Over 1,000 new teachers were there, all happy to find a job (especially lit and history teachers). I was the only person a little sad. I went to my meetings, then was headed to the next session. The phone rang and I ran outside. It was the principal - she was calling to offer me the position. I started shaking so much my voice was quivering. She told me what I would need to do and I ran off to complete the process.

God showed me that He would answer my obedience with faithfulness. I was blessed beyond measure. After leaving Marietta, I'd searched without luck to find a middle school language post (they are HARD to come by). And here I was, going back home to the same place I loved to teach the younger students. As I think about it now, I simply want to cry at the joy that was handed to me. After 1 year of complaining, 3 years of wandering (and a little more complaining), over 10 interviews, over two dozen applications, 16 months of 50 minute commutes each way, and repentance, I was allowed to return home. I cannot express what it means to me to be back. I feel blessed beyond measure and I'm so thankful that God guided me through it all.

Psalm 27:13-14
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Time Has Come...

I have been praying for the last few weeks that the Lord begin to change my heart regarding my lack of urgency in sharing the Gospel and living this life for Him in a more intense way than I've ever lived. While my exterior - my speech and opinions, language and education might convey to some in our American Christian culture that I'm mature, the truth is that in my private thoughts and personal ambitions, I'm exactly the image of false piety that plagues American Christendom. I've known it and struggled with it for some time - these are perhaps strong words, but I use the because I love my mattress and value so much stuff.

Materials are not the devil, but I demonstrate a level of idolatry that has bothered me for a long time because it does not comport with purchasing the pearl of great price, living to lose my life that I might gain it, or much of what Jesus taught about wholly pursuing Him. I am, which I hate, like the rich young man who tells Jesus that he does not sin against the last 5 commandments but cannot sell everything and live as a pauper for the sake of the Gospel. I cannot live with these specters of a message that I know was left for me.

While I make the observation that our culture is replete with my brand of Christianity,  I'm not saying that anyone else ought to feel the way I do - I am neglecting a call to ME to really believe and dig deep to give it all up. God is telling me to give up the hoax that remaining in the US, embedded in a live of blissful complacence and "normalcy," will satisfy the deeper dissatisfaction that I have that I'm being called to something that will require more myself than I could ever hope to do in my laughable "own strength." To say that I am scared is an understatement of major proportions. And I'm fighting the urge to ask God why I am burdened in this way when others can be content in their lives. But to dismiss these feelings after they keep coming back - after I keep affirming that I can't deny what Jesus tells us to do and what that means to me would be to sin and live in a state of medicating that incessant rumbling in my brain that I HAVE TO DO MORE. And never have I felt more alone.

So, practically, what will I do and what is the plan? I am burdened for missions. I cannot envision staying in the states if I'm to call myself elect - I have got to go somewhere with less distractions because I'm too tempted  here, in my crippling weakness to really live as God is saying to me I have to live.  If I can master it here, I will stay. But that is so unlikely, that I think I must go.

Right now, today and for the next 2-3 years, I'm praying the following:

-What possessions to sell immediately
-What I will keep to take
-A job for the next 2-3 years that will enable me to pay off my debt
-Completing my graduate education in 2 years
-What country to go to

So, there it is -  a tentative game plan. If God is leading you to pray for me, please pray I don't fail - even now, I'm concerned about how I will financially help my family because I feel a responsibility for that, too. Right now, the heat is on, but the fervor will subside in the next few days. Right now, all these things are pressing in on me, but I'm reminding myself that there are a few years time and first things first (like paying off my debt!). I'm excited and terrified of failure, but if I neglect the urge anymore, I will be disobeying Who I love most in my life, Jesus.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Growing Up Fast...

Today, at our church, Four Points Church in Acworth, our pastor preached an awesome message that was a two weeks in the making for him and a week in the making for me.

My walk with God has struggled so much lately. Between dealing with new emotional pain and financial hardship newly encountered in my life - the details of which I can't and won't mention here, since I wasn't the source of them - I've found it difficult to seek the Lord through prayer or read His God. I know in my heart I don't want to be some "fair-weather" follower. I don't want to praise only through good circumstances, after all, it was not God who brought sin into our lives. However, I struggle nonetheless.

About mid-week - I can't remember the day, they all bleed together when I have to get up so early! - I was praying to the Lord about why I've been feeling so angry lately, even hatred. I didn't have to scour my heart to find the answer for long. I told God that I just don't understand why it has to be harder for me. Rather than going down the "it's not fair" route, my question wasn't quite seeking that line of thinking.

Most people my age are enjoying their youthful freedom, their marriage, their children, their jobs. I, on the other hand, have struggled through my profession since going into the workforce. While this year has been the best to date, I still find some lingering sadness.  Most people my age aren't dealing with the heart break of more than one person's poor choices or devastating decisions and the impact on their lives. I had to ask why it has to be so much harder, not just for myself, but also for another that I do life with - why we are dealing with such radical hardship all in one foul swoop? I still don't know why and my question wasn't answered that afternoon, but I did find solace in the gathering of believers.

At church, relating a story, our pastor used the same phrase verbatim about a situation he was confronted with - really has been confronted with since the birth of the church. He had asked as well why it has to be so hard for him. Confessing his sin, I felt less alone than I have in the last few months, working through so many tumultuous years. While relieved, I know my heart to still be broken over many things, but I am fighting through it. While having defeated much anxiety and depression by the power of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Jesus, I am feeling "normal" sadness. Reminding myself that I have much to be thankful for, I press on, though watching someone close to me suffer more is so hard.

So many of my experiences have made me old - old in heart, and stubborn in my lack of faith in seeing things get better. I know we will have joys and sorrows in this life, but my heart so longs for joy. I feel as though so much has been robbed by sins, outside of what I've committed against God, I almost do not see how God can replace the years the locusts have eaten. I will pray though, outside what is within me, that God helps my unbelief and I withstand the tears I'm shedding for the sorrow. I will pray that I know that soon enough, though it be even 70 more years of suffering, that one day all these pains will be a different life and a new one will be given me when He receives me unto glory.  I will press on and press in.