Love Unconditional...

What I am about to share is deeply personal and not without some still stinging pangs of shame, partly because showing the level of vulnerability I'm about to offer up is still trapped under the guise I was reared into: showing weakness is bad. However, I feel that for anyone who has felt as remotely hopeless as I have, it might help. And if sharing my triumph while yet weak helps someone overcome, God's will has been done.

As this year has been painfully difficult - panic attacks, anxiety filled with stomachaches at times reaching a point where I would throw up over my worry, weeping for the constant onslaught of insults leveled at me by people perfectly content, even proud of, their ignorance, I've struggled with my own rebellion. I have rebelled at an under-the-radar pace for quite some time, knowing myself to have deep anger and resentment for the pressure placed on me as an oldest child, partially sustained by my own need to be praised and desire for attention from authority figures who give the rules and make or break worker bees. My year teaching at an at-risk high school (while not economically high-risk) has unearthed my rebellion and shown its deepest, darkest potential. I had never been so unwilling to work and be creative in my life. And what birthed it? It wasn't so much the students. It was my anger and resentment at having worked and waited for what I thought I was missing, and feeling like I had been denied over and over again. But I couldn't place my finger on what that "missing" was.

Then, something happened over the weekend as I prayed, having let my grading catch up to me with sickening anxiety over my head (imagining confrontations from not having everything perfectly done, envisioning scolding from authorities that I have needed approval from) and coming down from physically shaking Thursday and Friday. I had been able to relax Friday because things were finally finished. And I decided it was prayer time.

My constant, underlying anger veiling a sense of sadness mingled with injustice was mystifying to me. I knew that I could not change the past of enduring a divorced family and I had forgiven the many rejections experienced, but this lingering anger was eluding me. Until I examined my arch nemesis, loneliness. While it is normal for any single woman to feel an acute pining for affection and love from a man in seasons of waiting, I wasn't willing to admit that I had been banking on it to give me what I felt I was lacking: unconditional love. Because I'm not very open about my romantic desires (I feel awkward really talking about it, and only lately have opened up about it to a sweet friend about things, and she's an awesome listener), I counted my reserved attitude as a reflection of being emotionally "okay." What an error, but I just wanted to negotiate the feelings of loneliness away, not really consider that there might be an underlying issue flooding into the forefront of my emotions and actions. It was the "missing".

But there was an issue, in my face and I was going to have to confront it with what I knew and all my fallen frustration and personal sadness. I had felt denied love. Somewhere in there is a little girl who did not feel good enough - who felt like she had to work for praise, love, and affection - who learned avoidance of disapproval by doing what she was told, but always looking behind her back, worried that the slightest mistake would mean a denial of affection. And she was thinking there would be a time for unconditional love, but that would have to be a long time down the road when she was older. Fine, she would wait. God would honor her patience and she wouldn't wander around pursuing it. She was trained well - did what she was told - God said not to pursue it, she wouldn't. But still, she would count on it to give what had been denied.

And the wait continued. Has continued. Only, I didn't realize I was angry and bitter about it. Not even an inkling, a liking, an affection, just...nothing.  Unable to tie all of this together, but having bits and pieces of a story, in conversations with my mom, I knew that I had felt denied SOMETHING...I had a hard time saying "no" to indulgences and spoiling myself in my own way, whether it was eating whatever I wanted, spending whatever I wanted, or acquiring my heart's current material desire. I told her this and she knew that I had thought it out and was on to something. I could not figure out what I was denied at the same time being angry about it.

Then this weekend, I was praying, and knowing that my current struggle in school was reminding me of the inadequacy that my schooling often made me feel (echoing that little girl's notion that she isn't good enough and that she has to earn and warrant the praise, affection, and love of others) I had to pray because I had known it for a long time to conflict with the Biblical knowledge that there is nothing in us that can earn the Lord's love, the best kind of love. It is not earned. It is a gracious, precious gift. I realized - what I've felt denied and angry about is unconditional love. And in my foolish little heart, I had thought I was so patient and honoring God so well as to warrant love to come my way in the form of a permanent romantic attachment. My conscience wouldn't let me get away with thinking I was honoring God though. I knew my rebellion very well. After all, a look in the mirror would tell me.

So, my overcompensation for my anger at feeling denied? I didn't deny my appetite for food, entertainment, or possessions. The consequences for the indulgence at my deeply embedded sense of indulgence are obesity, debt, and just way too much stuff. God's grace never fails, though. While still sensing my loneliness, God really showed me as I prayed and thought about Him and how grateful I was to Him for salvation and this head-knowledge of love that before I even knew these things about inadequacy and earning love, I had been saved at about age 6, having a very firm sense of belonging to God by the blood of Jesus. What God showed me this weekend was that I had always had what I had longed for before awareness ever set in but had never understood it. I was waiting on what was already mine, rebelling against being denied what I thought would bring it.  And though still feeling lonely, my anger very much subsided and bitterness melted away. I knew what to pray finally - that God would help my unbelief about His depth of affection for me and that I would not place this pressure on another fallen person, but trust in His freely offered love by the blood of Jesus. What a liberating prayer - to know what to pray and to finally TRUST God's love and teaching - something I had so struggled to do.

I pray that the death of this unbelief would bring new life to my need for self-control. In reminding myself that I have not been denied what I desired most of all, my prayer is that by the power of the Holy Spirit, I would take a healthy approach to denying myself the excess I had excused and permitted for so long. Finally feeling healthy - having a healthy understanding of my calling in the Lord and His offer of love to me - is more than I could have imagined for a weekend prayer session on a lonesome Friday night.  No need for rebellion or sense of injustice. Jesus loves me, this I hope to truly know.

Come Ye Sinners...

Teaching this year has shown me how much we do not deserve the God we have. While you know these things in bits and pieces - you think you really know it one day - then down the road you see it is so much deeper than you once thought.

I'm reading in Judges. I've been reading the Pentateuch for about an eternity now, and Judges is showing me parallels to my career life right now. I teach high school students. Not just any high school students - high school students with entitlement mentalities and whopping egos. I teach high school students who are beyond being above correction. In the midst of the demi-gods we teachers come and go. Our school has been in the news for major fights over five times. I've been called the B-word multiple times, been told to F-off, been shoved, been told, "I don't have to take this" (while I was also thinking it). I've spent whole class periods attempting to get the attention of each student at the same time for only 30 seconds.

And here I am, reading Judges. I've talked to my kids, tried to get through to them, knowing that my Jeremiah moments will probably fall on deaf ears. I see Israel in them. As a teacher, I want them to hear and do before the face they consequences of an ungracious and unforgiving world. I want them to heed wisdom. I sound really great, don't I?

Frustration and straight up rage are my neighbors. Never have I been so negative - never have I been so out of my mind angry, upset, anxious and frustrated. Never have I simply put on full display the depth of my depravity. I need a Savior. I count myself elect - I know Jesus has ransomed me, continues to. But this has been hard and frustrating. I find myself confessing nothing short of hatred often.

The struggles through this past year have shown me how deeply I do not understand the patience and mercy of God. As I complain and weep to the Lord, as I air out my frustrations and hurt, I'm reminded of the accused and silent Jesus who stood before full-on liars and did not force His cause nor exalt Himself. I'm nowhere near that. I'm not even blameless and I'm at my wits end.

It truly is a wonder that we have not been cast into the pit of hell. I look at some Christians who don't like that kind of talk - the talk that tells us that we are horrifically depraved sinners in the face of a God who has given us chance after chance after chance. Until they have seen the unashamed depraved and how they don't even WANT a rescue, how they refuse help, how they continually brag about their folly, and then how they treat others who would welcome them with open arms would they see their own reaction to it and conclude that ALL of us, each and every one of us needs a Savior to pull us out of the pool of sin that we are drowning in. And if you don't think you are drowning, you are not in a place where you can be honest with yourself. I wasn't. I grew up churched, grew up knowing Jesus, grew up loving Him, grew up espousing neat and trite "you should" statements, and understood very little about what my reaction to situations would say about me if I was in the worst of the worst conditions. I'm not even out of the country in some place with no clean water and I'm already crying foul (and crying a whole lot just in general).

We need Jesus so badly. With desperation we need to seek Him daily that His mercy would fall on our children - many of whom have no fathers, overworked, angry mothers sadly removed from the reality of their children's depravity, and grandparents who wonder what exactly went wrong. We need Jesus to show us patience with people whom refuse our love and help, patience and grace with those who mock our efforts, and wisdom on how to move forward. We are coming to the end of an age and time will run out for everyone at some point. The harvest is ready. The workers are few.

The Rainy Season: 4 years and counting...

I've never had the Lord call me to something. I remember, at least, being 20 sitting in church knowing that I wanted to work in vocational ministry, but that thought ebbed and flowed and I don't know where it's gone now; it's a thought that is around, but there is so much uncertainty about the future for me where I sit.

Since that point, I worked at a ministry where I really struggled with the theology and authenticity in the atmosphere, only to move onto a profession I was unsure of. I've experienced unemployment several times and wept more in my four short years after college than I did in the 22 leading up to them. I have never experienced so much emotional pain and turmoil in my life. And there are questions I am afraid to ask God because I fear the answers - and more than the answers, I fear no answer at all.

My teaching job is the most stressful thing in my life. I work at a school that has been in the news where the culture is not only one completely different from the hybrid one that I grew up in but one that I have trouble respecting because of the values I see developing. But I still love who I work for, and it is a love that eats me alive because it cannot change the mistakes that those kids will make on the path they travel. Because I am struggling so much, I wonder if I could ever serve vocationally in ministry. My temper, I fear, is out of control, and the melancholy I'm predisposed to (in my opinion) has reached severe depression and anxiety because of the stress. Outside of dealing with my own struggles against perfectionism, I have entered a career where the secular expectation of perfection without the grace of a Savior is suffocating me with a pillow while my own battle holds down my arms. I'm not emotionally healthy enough for the job, and I think that's why I feel like such a failure lately. Nothing stings like feeling inadequate and knowing how weak you are, dependent upon the approval of your authorities and the peers you admire. And, I don't "feel" called. Or I do and I'm resisting. I cannot even tell anymore.

I don't feel called anywhere - or really understand what that looks like. In fact, I even live hesitant to straighten things up and make them look great because I'm afraid I will be uprooted again. I've moved back and forth from so many places, that I feel unstable, at best, where I am. I feel so insecure in where God wants me that I feel as though I cannot relax because something will be disrupted again. The greatest disruption was my parents' divorce, and I fear the gravity of pain like that coming again. I fear stepping out in faith for anything because I fear more suffering. I fear more stress and strain. I fear more tears.

But, I have seen hope. I've seen God take a sobbing teacher on a 45 minute ride to work where she knows kids will berate her and disrespect her and turn her heart and attitude to positive thoughts and hope. I've seen God take this unwilling brat who does win some compassion because she wants to learn and change and force her into the place of dealing with her failures and weaknesses. I have seen God break through the churning stomachaches of an anxious mind and give true, unmovable peace. I have seen God keep the sun in the sky 7 days for someone who couldn't get their work done on time. I have seen God sustain faith when none could be found in this girl. I have seen God. And I have learned about grace.

I've read the Pentateuch - it took me long enough in my life. And I'm reading Judges now. I can't help but draw parallels between the Hebrews and my students. They refuse to listen to what is good for them and gripe when they face consequences. Their repentance is few and far between and the fruit may take decades to see. When I arrive at this point, I'm amazed at how God did not and does not give up on any of His elect. How he has not given up on me when I prayed for Him to teach me and show me my sin and have rebelled in the process. It's enough to bring me to tears each time because the pain I feel over my students is what God feels over us and our sin. It is what He feels over me when I complain, when I am impatient, when I refuse to get my work done, when I refuse to do what I know to be right because I'm angry at others who are doing wrong, and when I've exhausted myself to the point of anxiety over things I could have prevented. It has spurred me on to fight my sin, to crush it. And I have realized it is potently strong. It is the reason I have had so much trouble - and while some may not be surprised and the answer maybe obvious, when it comes to you seeing it and understanding the potency with which it controls your actions and heart, no one could speak it to you on their own strength. It is a revelation, and honestly, you know you can't tackle it in the least on your own. 

Part of that has to do with the pain it's shrouded in - it's tender to the touch because you feel justified in doing it. Really justified - not just rationalized, but justified to the point where people would understand and have compassion on your sin. But we can't be compassionate to the sin. I cannot feel that it is okay no matter how painful it is to heal - because it is painful. It doesn't feel right because things really aren't fair. There are painful things that will constantly draw tears - and I hate living with them - but I have to step forward with God and kill the sin that the pain wants to justify. I have to believe that God meant what He said through Paul in Romans 8:28. Even as betrayed as I feel by some, by my work, I must do a good job because I'm called to work as though I was working for Jesus. It's right to do right, regardless of the trampling I take - and I have seen how hard it is to do right when you have been personally maligned and attacked, when you circumstances have been less than what you believed could be the worst. I never knew how hard it could be, but living it, I'm convinced my only hope is God enabling me to crush my sin which seeks to justify retaliation. I still don't feel called. I still feel like life is vague in more ways than I am comfortable with, but I need to do well and better until the time comes for the moment where the fog clears and I can feel peaceful again.

Progress: Maiming the Beast

I'm sitting here at a desk that's been moved to an opposite wall to accommodate a once garage-dwelling dresser. I've pulled up carpet with my bare hands, removed carpet staples with pliers, vacuumed plywood (what's under the carpet and carpet padding), and laid one area rug until we get new carpeting in here. 

I've put things in a donate pile, placed things in the sale pile. While I still need to purge more, I can actually walk around in here. Asking myself what I actually use has perhaps been the best, honest question that has help me let go of things. It had been harder because I looked at so much as a representation of what I had spent on it. But looking at it and letting go of the "money" aspect has really been freeing. When I thought it would bother me, I'm finding that it's not a big deal. Does this remind me to be careful about my pennies? Certainly, but the old stuff can go.

Now I'm dealing with the reality of returning to work and being in a place that really stretches what I am naturally good at. But that's another post for another day. Happy New Year, still. Erin

Stuff is Fleeting, Meaningless: Overcoming the Addiction

You know, overcoming materialism is a hip trend. But as I write the blog post (avoiding the inevitable - cleaning the hurricane tossed tornadic ship-wreckage that vaguely resembles a corner bedroom), I can feel my anxiety rise as I think about even starting it. I'm at least committed to piddling around in there for an hour and hitting le hay about 11. But I know I want to put it off...the anxious monster is there and he mocketh me with a daunting task: you are going to have to sort.

Sorting is love/hate for me. On the one hand, it is very therapeutic in small, productive dosages. On the other, when you are a living, absent-minded, shambles like me, when the sorting is ridiculous, I want to bail and abandon my ship. As I was journaling this evening, I began trying to brainstorm (which is now what I do to retrain my anxiety) on how to at least make a dent in the task without overwhelming myself into despair and thus purging the attempted task into certain (yet indefinite) oblivion.  Let's just say that I dig myself a giant hole, panic when I realize what I am doing, think about how I can get out of the 3-5-year hole in 1 day, get overwhelmed because that's unrealistic and I can't commit to more than 1 day, then give up. I'm ignoring my anxiety at confronting a mess that I have made until I absolutely cannot avoid it anymore...

The problem is, I have become an EXPERT in avoiding. If this were Warcraft, I'm a guild leader. This Old House? Bob Vila. Painting happy trees? Bob Ross. I am the foremost authority in how to avoid anxiety by making busy with other stuff. I have my PhD in ADD. And I am (mostly) fully aware of it.

Brainstorming simple tasks (so simple like clothes, books, jewelry, no sorting, just grouping) brought on a hard, yet necessary look at my stuff problem. I have so much stuff and the stuff has emotions attached to it. This to me is a MAJOR issue. I have a hard time getting rid of certain sentimental items that would mean nothing to anyone else normal.  I suppose this might be linked to being rejected and holding on to "good emotions" - not having many friends, stuff begins to mean things.  This is an idolatry I would love to avoid examining, especially here in a public-ish way.  But it is an idolatry that has held me back too long. I can feel the sadness welling in my heart and mind as I think about such a ridiculous attachment because I know just under the surface it is masking yet more pain. Both pain to let go, but really pain that I didn't bother to resolve - it is the pain of very acute loneliness. Even admitting that now is hard.

While part of me feels shame in admitting that, part of me is so sad that I have felt so lonely for so long. Such isolation - almost a non-violent violent reaction if you think about it. People recede because their wounds are so large, then they turn to things that actually accumulate, but also cannot mend the loneliness. Just a mask. But to dismiss the emotions tied to the possessions is an error.  I'm so angry that I have to do it because I don't want to feel sad over things or even cry. But how can you get better if you don't address the illness? I know what God is calling me to do in addressing something "I really dont wanna" deal with. So far, God has been good to the little child that I act like - letting me deal with the things --> I <-- want to fix. But this is something I'd rather procrastinate on until the day before the second coming...certainly, my doofusy perception is that "it's harmless" but really, it keeps me in a clutter, overwhelmed, scrambling, and depressed because in that pile of nonsense is a pile of unresolved grief and emotion that "I just can't deal with right now." But I'm on holiday. And I just can't live life like this.

So, for you conceptual people out there, as I deal with the emotions and purge things that I ought not hold dear, I heard Dr. Phil (yus, I said it - bite me) say that you should pick your top 3 goals, and if some tasks and chores and things and, sometimes, people (the kind that are unhealthily involved in your life, I'm not suggesting some sort of "Eat Pray Love" vomitous philosophy), you need to make some ajust[deletions]ments.  This helped me to really take an honest look at how I'm drowning myself, my relationship to Jesus, and what I believe I am here to do. So, as I go in to the pit of despair, I hope to emerge triumphant, downsized, and emotionally healthier. Happy New Year, Erin

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 3

Ha! I hope that any of the 3 folks who read this are encouraged and helped through any trying time through which they are dragged kicking and screaming. I am living it and I am surviving it.

I have cried more on the way to work in the past 5 months than I probably cried between ages 7-10. I've probably had about 4 diagnosable (not a word), verifiable (a word) panic attacks. I have wracked my brain, stretched my limits, and spent myself on worry the past semester. I am so glad I dropped grad school in October for the time being. I think it's the first honest thing I've done for myself in several months.

My post about my dad really brought a great opportunity to meet with a counselor to work through it. And I will tell you, focusing on what is actually stewing in the cauldron of my heart rather than the absolute natural disaster-type devastation it has caused (or rather, poisoned) is the hardest thing I've had to do in working through my depression. My depression has subsided to a degree. I am motivated, I'm looking forward to finishing the semester, and I am getting things done. But, if I were a country, I'd be on the foreign aid list, needing food for the starving inhabitants, medicine for the sick, leadership in the political arena, an economic model to closely follow, and essentially, a 3rd world country. I, Erin, am a 3rd world country. That is not good.

I have gotten so used to neglecting and avoiding dealing with what's brewing in my heart that it is a task put off. I have too good a memory to write down my history. And it's not remarkable and actually boring. AND I don't remember it sequentially (this could be helped if I slowed down and really concentrated on thinking my writing through, but we have seen how that is). I've made it to first grade in my personal narrative, and that's nowhere when you consider I remember more and more as a I write through my past.  But I have to conquer what is eating me alive: what I believe about God's view of me, my view of me, my purposeful life, and what is right and wrong. If there is anything I have learned, it is that my parents have taught me certain platitudes as well as education that don't match up with the Bible - and these things I've kinda made a "personal law" are bondage that I am battling against. That's hard when you feel like they are your parents' rules, and you didn't break rules as a kid, so while the Bible is breaking some down with the TRUTH, you feel like you are disobeying the people you were taught to obey by violating their principles (or what your interpretation of those were). That is a beast of a task - a hairsplitting one at best.

What I can say is that by prayer, God has allowed me to examine how I am in my classroom, how I react or provoke, how I defuse a situation, how I make one worse, how I inspire, how I bore, what my strengths are and the great chasm that my weaknesses present to me being successful at what I currently do. God is using the difficult situation where I am in this career to breakdown falsehoods that are tightly woven into the perfect tapestry of His Law. It's not like the platitudes are necessarily bad - but they present a bondage to someone who zealously takes them to heart. They aren't to be treated as absolutes. And this is where I am examining my own personal philosophy and how my own mouth betrays a knowledge of the head unacknowledged in the heart. Unbelief is a killer, and I'm learning the role that knowing versus believing plays in it's ability to handicap even the most skilled at introspection.  It is hard to discern principles long harmonized to a young Christianity that aren't really Christian principles at all, but cultural ones that feel comfortable and seem valid.  I'm finding that certain passive-aggressive tendencies, the chaos and the drama, and my own lived-out philosophy are colliding because of a values mismatch. 

If you know anything about computer programming, you might know what an infinite loop is. If not, an infinite loop is when the user commits an error in a program and the computer tries to execute (the natural execution is repeat until result), and if you enter in a letter when you should have entered in a number, the computer can try working with the letter forever, not "aware" that it will never compute, but restarting the process each time to try for a result. This is what I am going through, but I'm finally tackling the lived-out philosophy because that needs reprogramming. All the chaos and emotions (like anxiety and depression) are residuals of a philosophy that is broken (for me, at least). And I need to rebuild from the Bible up. Knowing this has encouraged me to continue working while figuring out my difficulties with getting tasks accomplished - it has opened my eyes to some of the broken proverbs offered as wisdom by non-Christian-based "sages" who, while well-intended, have imprisoned many a student and free spirit.

What am I saying? I'm saying I gotta figure out what I really believe by examining who I really walk life out.  How I'm walking isn't looking too great, but at least I can bear witness to it and to the fact that something needs to and is about to change.

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 2

Alright, seems I had an epiphany when I wrote last time because I'm feeling a whole lot better about getting stuff done - but, ever the skeptic, we'll see how long I last.

I think the main thing is that I am actually doing something amazing by finally acknowledging the need for obedience to God in neglected areas of life. Good thoughts and feelings about Jesus don't mask the fact that some of my actions are the bullhorn of rebellion. So, here are the things, both conceptual and practical, that I am overhauling:

Conceptual:

1. Consistency - I've been consistently demotivated and deeply downcast. That's about it.  I haven't consistently packed my lunch for work, I haven't consistently even washed my hair (now, I AM hygienic, just constantly flying by the seat of my pants), I haven't consistently paid bills at the same time each month, I haven't consistently prayed or journaled, or really, read the Bible without hiccups, and if you read the blog, well, we know how THAT's been. So, goal? Consistency, stability, happy ritual (I hate the word routine - I'm a green personality [http://winning-solutions.com/Trainings/True_Colors/truecolor.html], it stresses us out).

2. Thinking and Practice - I'm working on how I overwhelm myself into oblivion and, painstakingly, breaking things down into itty bitty bite-sized pieces and squashing the notion that "I can accomplish everything I want to today." Let's call this killing that "all or nothing" perfectionist attitude. I just want to get SOMETHING DONE.

3. Moderation - I need to practice moderation and patience in all things, but particularly in impulsive things. I most def purchased a Keurig, but I had been contemplating that. When I got to Costco, the price was so right. Impulsive? Nah, the justification rationalizing capacitor in my brain has informed me not so. I'll only be going out when I absolutely must on a set day, rather than inventing reasons to leave the house (yus, I do this) to avoid what needs doin'. Moderation in eating, moderation in internet time, those two go without saying.

Practical:

1. Planning - Everything. I just need to. And it's okay to plan small stuff and get small stuff done if it works toward my main goal. This includes managing school things.

2. Finances - I am in serious debt - not that I cannot manage, but it's going to take a jaunt to fix it. So I need to work on a budget.

3. Weightloss - I just need to figure this crap out once and for all. I gained back weight after losing 30lbs, but lately, I am actually feeling horrible. I don't feel comfortable at all, feel fatigued and dehydrated, so it is time, frens, it is time to beat myself like an athlete does (checkout what the apostle Paul says about the athlete).

4. Home/Personal Maintenance - I am the anti-girl. Not that I am against girls, I just typically don't like girl things like makeup (though I like buying it), fixing my hair, clothes, cleaning constantly (really, I just loathe dishes), and making sure that I do maintenance appointments - nails, waxing, such and such. But I am finding that this is really needed for my job, since teenagers are so judgmental. I get my brows done regularly, but hadn't since the start of the school year - you wouldn't believe how many students, after I got them done last Saturday, said something to me about how good they looked - bruh, they just eyebrows! So this and cleaning are on the list.

So, this week, I report back on my experiment of the essential non-amazings, and hopefully, something amazing will occur. Don't forget to pray.