A Coming Change...

My heart is very burdened. Let me tell you why.

Without getting into too many specifics, I'm feeling very drawn to the mission field. In my heart, I cannot deny what I am feeling to finally be a calling on my life - to share the Gospel of Jesus with others outside my home in the U.S.A. I'm finding that the way that I live out my Christianity here at home, in what I consider to be the greatest country to live in, is less committed, less intense, and more selfish than ever before. I feel as though I am called to remove myself from the environment in which I live and serve in a capacity outside my capability.

While I have felt these inklings for a long time without a specific calling, I have known that the timing has not been right - things were not lined up properly. They are hardly lined up as we speak, but I am praying through my sinfulness to make headway toward the mission field away from my home.  I feel that I have failed in so many ways to share my faith in Jesus here, but I am praying that I find confidence in the Lord and lose confidence in my ability to fail. I am praying that I prefer Jesus as my master to sin as my master.  God knows that what I need most is discipline - which happens to be my greatest weakness. So I am praying and reflecting.

Just to be clear, we are not talking preaching - I believe what the Bible says about women in that capacity, and I am happy to abide by it. But I do feel something needs to be done - >>I<< need to do something by God's power in me. As I navigate these waters, please co-labor with me in prayer over the following:

1. I wish to complete my graduate program, which could take 2-3 years. Please pray I am able to focus and do this quickly.

2. Pivotal to being "free" for mission work is getting out of debt. Currently, my debt is, well, ridiculous. I'm sorry, that was supposed to be RIDICULOUS. 

3. Please pray for my relationship with Jesus and consistency. My discipline is lacking, my rate of indulgence is high, and I cannot serve two masters, though I know I'm trying to. Please pray that I kill addictive sin in my life.

4. While I am feeling pulled, I don't know where, though I wonder if it's an unreached group of people. There are hubs and places that I can go, but I am praying that God clearly confirm and reveal to me His plan. If I am not interpreting this pull properly, I pray that He correct me and lead me to where He desires me to be.

5. My greatest challenge and worst sin is lack of discipline. Even now, I know that it's a nature to me - which is scary because I feel as though it's built into me, a dangerous way to think about it because you know automatically, or think you do, that it is near impossible to conquer. I ABSOLUTELY need to pray through this and conquer this sin. It is mastering me right now and I don't know how best to fight back.

To those who read regularly, thank you for your time and patience. For many years, I was convinced few people cared for or about me, and God has shown (and it's oddly humbling) that I am gloriously wrong. If you have prayer requests, please let me know. This is a two way street and reciprocating brings me such joy. I will write an update the sooner I am more clear. In Christ, Erin

Employment and Gratitude...

September 24th of this year, I walked into my fourth school district in four years. I was hired by Gwinnett just the Friday previous and was headed to the benefits meeting.

The wait was very long. My goal, through disappointment and frustration in the summer months, was to refrain from complaining and simply ask for prayers. After all, how could I complain when I chose to walk away from my job? I still wonder if I was simply everyone's last choice, everyone's last option, but that has passed. My friends tried to remind me about my crazy certificate. It was hard to wipe away all the good feelings from interviews that amounted to vapor. But, in the end, God has blessed me where I am. Allow me to share.

This is another situation where I started late in the year - in stark contrast to last year, I did not immediately have students my first day - I had a whole week to prepare. I wasn't thrown in a classroom with no resources - no locking cabinets to put my belongings. I wasn't expected to figure everything out haphazardly on my own and be held accountable for mistakes I didn't even know I could be making. I felt welcome and valued as a professional for the first time since leaving college.

In taking the time to let God do His work in searching out my heart, I find that it was the best time to go back to work. I have not felt anxious this year - until I was called into the principal's office and complimented in front of school leadership. While I am thankful, being so new, I want my visibility to be lower, haha. I am thankful, however, that God has given me favor again. I'm praying that this would be an excellent year for me in all the goals I have set. There is still so much to do, but God has been encouraging me, and I am so thankful for His hand on my life, despite so much messiness.

Right now, I am looking for an apartment - praying about one really. It's more expensive, but it would be good to move. I pray here and there about marriage and what the Lord's plans are for me, but it's only sporadically on the radar - a good or bad thing, I don't really know. I think my exposure to so many married people my age, especially in my church, less so in my friendships, makes my awareness about being single more acute. Maybe if I were where more singles were, I wouldn't put pressure on myself (or at least feel quite the fifteenth wheel or sore thumb). So there's that. For the most part, things are feeling very positive and I'm simply thankful to God for the opportunity of success, favor, and rest. Having lived in such a hard place, I'm enjoying my year as a teacher.

Battle of The Bulge - Not That One, This One...

In light of two posts ago, how I said that it is not surprising to the overweight, obese, and extremely obese that they need to lose weight, I thought I would share more on my current efforts.

I signed up for Medifast, which is a portion controlled meal replacement program (PCMR program) because of the success rate, the medically-based support, and the ease of use.  On the program, which I had started in August of 2010, I lost 30 lbs, which was awesome - I didn't realize how awesome it could be. Things got crazy in the Spring time of 2011, and I made a wonderfully easy excuse for going back to overeating. Since then, I've not even really struggled so much as fumbled around for motivation to make it back to the program.

Enter unemployed me in August of 2012. As I have been working on and off through the summer, purging old papers, donating old items, and basically dealing with some 26-year dysfunctions, I have been avoiding the losing weight, exercising, life-change questions. But finding that I want to explore career options that require me to keep up a healthy appearance, I cannot avoid those questions lately. Being the emotional eater that I am, it's easy to make excuses and not bother still. Add to that me not valuing certain things high on the totem pole, it's been a difficult season to motivate myself - I am keenly aware of how psyching myself out does not work and how, somehow, leads to even greater disappointment when I fail.

But, there is something I'm hyper aware of this season - not having a job lined up can seriously impact my emotions and sense of worth. And lately, I'm not keen on it causing more weight gain. Normally, I would indulge a lot more during this time, compensating for a sense of loss and blues. This time, I decided to work on discipline that I am missing. While joblessness is not great for working on financial discipline, I've outlined that and physical maintenance as two areas where I need a serious overhaul. 

After consuming all of the hoarders episodes at my disposal - both the TLC and A&E versions, I was looking for more reality and watched HEAVY (a one-season wonder from A&E) and now am watching previous seasons of Biggest Loser. While I enjoy the competition of BL, it's not realistic. What I do enjoy is the self-analysis of contestants and the ability to relate to the struggles of others. What's cool is looking at the idolatry of food in the scheme of everything else. I've had one light bulb moment, after watching the second season of BL - a woman who made a huge difference said, "Never in my life did I feel like I could have control over food." This was not an amazing statement in and of itself, but rather the difference was what I was thinking - I was not even on the food page, and while hearing her, I thought - whoa, it's about so much more than food management, but that it is a facet of it. 

When heavy people talk, it's so much about "food this" and "food that" attacking that one issue. But it really is about so much other stuff - putting your mind on other goals, making food stuff a secondary issue that simply needs to be part of another goal...somehow, I'm finding that by making food management one facet of a larger picture, I'm less compelled by it. And while you can read a book and see that, hear it and know it in your head, when it sinks in that it's about way more, you realize that it's crazy not to move past problems steeped in basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing. Heavy people like those in my circumstance are controlled by over focusing on food, whether that is to eat poorly or better. I'm finding more success in doing a plan and removing the focus on thinking about what I'm eating. I'm enjoying looking for recipes and being creative with my guidelines, and I feel less fear about what happens when I go "off of the plan" in the future because my efforts this time are less obsessed with fear about my relationship to food and more focused on where I want to be in a year or so. 

I don't want people to think that somehow this is easy, but for the first time, I feel that I am seeing beyond something, which is important for me. The worst is having patience to see results, but I already feel like inflammation in my body is down, something that makes me feel amazingly better physically. What's the most important is the diminishing fear of failure that I have and my sense of stick-tuitiveness that seem to be less perfectionistic and less all-or-nothing. That, to me, is the greatest feeling of all. 

That's it for this evening's two-post run. I'll be writing soon as I look to fill some unemployed hours, haha!

Updates, Updates, Updates...

I decided to address two posts I made a bit ago: the one about social media and the one about wading into the mire.  First, le social media.

I did deactivate for two days. Then I needed an address and email and I didn't have this chickie's cellphone number. I was so mad to reactivate because the lack of distraction was, dare I say, awesome. It was amazing - I wasn't checking my phone a zillion times. I felt calmer, I felt more relaxed, and I felt more productive and focused. Inevitably, reactivating was a small hassle and I found that I was missing events and such. I left Google+ up and Twitter because while I use them, I don't check them often.  

In the weeks after my extremely short lived exit, I have checked myself when I've gotten mad about the things I see posted. I'm certain that I have ruffled feathers with people on the things I have, being that Christian that's okay with a cocktail and a dash of sarcasm and at the same time being the one who doesn't believe in female pastors, abortion in any case, or gay marriage. I'm reminded that I can still deactivate at any time and avoid the emotions caused by others. Social media is passive, like TV, and I'm reminded about what John Piper has said about television, though I still own a 42" flat screen.  While I still post, mostly to make people chuckle or ask for prayers, I'm trying to use Facebook to actually reconnect and think about people...I mean, you know, what it actually started out being for me! 

Anywho, I'm still trying to shut off the compulsive checking, as embarrassing as it is for me to admit that I compulsively check! And so far, pretty good. Some days I post a lot (for me) and others I post less. I enjoy commenting for comedic relief, but no arguments. Alas, as I over think this here, I'm laughing at myself. Ah well, I'll continue to share links, and you know, just gonna calm it down on the smartphone end.

Second, my unemployment: I remind myself that I chose this risk. And a risk it was. And, while I could analyze and beat myself up, I'm taking the "no self-condemnation" route. I mastered that worthless skill long ago and I'm going to let God convict me, rather than taking a boxing glove to myself. I don't regret my decision aside from the occasional "I could have been a revolutionary" monologue of "you missed your chance at greatness." I am trying to kill the overachiever over-criticizer in myself, but not become a bum. You know, who wants to be a bum? And some of us overachievers think that the only other option from being an overachiever is becoming a hobo. I'm breaking the mold! I am craving balance, because while overachievers seem to accomplish a lot, I feel like people who live out moderation and balance accomplish even more. Maybe that's my perception, but they sure seem calmer! I would sacrifice some A grades for some peace, that's for sure...and I'm not even sure that I have to do that!

This job stuff has been difficult. Before this summer, I could count on one hand the times I've interviewed and not gotten the job. This summer changed all that, and let me tell you, it's hard to silence the "there's something fundamentally wrong with you" voice after so many interviews and no job offers.  What my interview calls have showed me is that my resume looks great and my answers (to app questions) on paper (where I could think them out and edit them) were stellar. That leaves my personal appearance, interview question answers, and my certification. While I know that the certification is probably the most factual problem, it's hard to not analyze answers to questions and how I looked at the interview. It's times like these where I'm overjoyed to remind myself that there are no surprises for God. He knows, foreknew, and fore-worked everything out. That is an awesome and comforting thought for a mistake-o-phobe like myself (atelophobia, fear of imperfection). Nothing like knowing God knows and knowing God has a plan.

I still have one paycheck left and still need to spend my FSA money. I'm praying that God provides in a way where I don't have to hustle (I hustled in high school - found my own work) - by this, I mean independently working, haha, not anything shady. It's hard work and you can be rather anxious wondering if jobs will come in the next week. If God leads me to start my own company, then I will, but right now, I have to eliminate serious debt. I'm proud of myself for taking a major risk - it's the first time that I feel I've owned a choice, though I have made choices in the past, of course. Perhaps that's the wrong way to word it; this is the first time I've felt that I have departed from expectations that aren't mine. I feel like I've done something despite fear, which is empowering in and of itself. I hope this week is productive and as I wait on God, I'm killing fear one decision at a time.

Not A Mystery...

I am going to address my social media post in my next post, but I'm about to explode all over this one about something else.

Just a warning - I might sound like I am whining. I might sound crazy. There. Warning issued.

Deep breath.

It is not a mystery to me that I am overweight. Not. A. Mystery. And yet somehow, people communicate to and about me as if I "don't see it." Yeah, I don't know why people think I don't know. Certainly there are people in ABSOLUTE DENIAL about how much they eat, but they still know they are overweight. I'm pretty clear on the extra, count them, 50 lbs I gained last spring because I was so depressed and angry about work-related things. I most definitely made a conscious choice, and while I'm kicking myself now, I let my anger wreak havoc on my appetite. I have to buy clothes, friends - I'm pretty sure I know.

As a side note, I know that I am having to make adjustments to get healthier because I actually feel physically crappier than ever, which wasn't so much the case in the past, so I'm going in a good direction.

But why do I hear this message about my weight constantly? Probably because I refuse to talk about dieting.   I do not want to be one of those people who talks about it for 20 years and does nothing, and I think some of the talk is fishing for compliments or inauthentically trying to psych oneself into action. I'm effectively self-critical without adding yet one more element to constantly go on about in my mind. If I do something, then I will do it. But I don't want to talk about it because it's been talked at me for years.  I really am tired of women talking about it alllllllllllll the time.

I've been in an environment with people I cannot remove from it who talk about their weight incessantly. How they look, why they are inadequate physically, and what they are going to do next is a weekly conversation. I don't want to participate because I think it's boring; I mean, I could be reading some random girl's blog on how crazy she is and feel more productive than talk about weight. But I think it is my refusal, interpreted as a personal ignorance, that communicates a message that I am somehow in denial. Oh, the gears are turning, folks, but what good does it do me to talk about it constantly? Or perhaps people want to approach the subject but feel weird, afterall, we are women, how can we not be absolutely consumed with our appearance in the culture we live in?

Let's make it clear that I know and that I often think about how I look so that no one is confused. 1) I have lived with comments about my weight in particular since first grade, and fifth grade was perhaps the ugliest time. 2) I have had every weight management program from food in pouches to surgery suggested to me - the surgery, vehemently so, and not by a doctor at that. 3) I do things where I am confronted with it all the time - like rafting and ziplining to name a few in the past month. 4) I am frequently discouraged from participating in things where my appearance is a required element to be seen and/or discussed because people seem to think I don't know that I'm judged or that I'm unprepared for the pain of rejection. 5) I tend to wear clothing that is baggier/frumpier. I can provide umpteen more, but I think this is sufficient.

Why is it that people do not believe I'm aware that I am constantly judged intentionally or unintentionally? I don't give people a hard time if they don't like the fact I'm overweight - just don't be an ass to me, that's all. And still I get reminded all the time that "it could be because you are overweight." Well, duh - I have lived with this for a LONG time. I'm sort of an expert in comments that can be made, looks that can be given, and attitudes that can be shown - as the Cracker Barrel peg game has communicated to me, I'm "purty smart." It's not even the comment about me being overweight that bugs me! It is that my intelligence is constantly insulted in that, somehow, this very large (pun may or may not be intended) part of my life has escaped my notice and that people are critical of it. Can't fix it overnight - I still want to try to live normally despite it, so I try to not create an issue if it isn't there.  And therein lies the problem - I do not want to create an issue of rejection if it does not exist. In the past, I took self-preservation to the deep end of the pool and drown in invisible "they don't like me's" for a decade.

I want people to show their true colors and me to show mine and not make them up in my head, writing their narrative for them.  Perhaps I've taken this silence too far as now others are writing my narrative for me. It's one in which I'm dumb and naive to the "ways of the world." If I've shared 5 stories of rejection, there are 5 silent ones for each that I've shared. I understand that people have good intentions, but can I please get just a little space to know things on my own? I was spanked as a kid, so I listen the first time. And no, constantly talking about weightloss does not encourage me (or I imagine many) to pursue weightloss...well, I guess if you look at it from the point that the constant chatter might end. It's a decision that we pursue on an intensely personal level because that damaged sense of worth has to be restored. Often, that level of belief isn't affected by casual comments of encouragement (or disdain) on "getting in shape" - it really repaired via act of grace that kills some lies that we tell ourselves. If you choose to be encouragement, sincerely consider your motivation, angle, and delivery. Most of us know what we are contending with - and rather than just habitual changes, we are battling ourselves the most. And sometimes it takes years.

Just thought I'd share. Some may agree, some may not, but I hope I shed some light on where I'm coming from.

Goodbye, Social Media, for A Bit

Social media is not the friend to the left out or the rejected - and yet those of us sensitive rejection and isolation, we are drawn to it like skeeters to the blue, kill-light that people hang off of their back porches. I don't wanna die because I can't back off. So, it's time.

I can't do it anymore. It's time to unplug. I have a hard time making friends as it is - I don't approach people because I have gotten BURNED in the past - as a kid, as an adult - people were outright mean and some not so outright (and trust me, I'm not over-thinking it, I'm not seeing things that are not there). Body language speaks plenty, and I can take a hint. So I'm reserved when making friends because I have a high statistical occurrence of bad experiences and first impressions. I'm usually in that sinking ship that waits for an invite. Yeah, that doesn't happen much. And while I've invited to try to offset things, I have been constantly canceled on. They aren't going to reschedule most times either - I'll have to do that, too. So, when people I consider in that more than acquaintance less than close buddy area apparently don't feel the same, I'm having a hard time reacting. I have close buddies who do it, and that's tough enough.

But social media has brought those of us strugglers to a whole new level of exclusion. It used to be that you would hear about this or that, people would talk, but you didn't have to see minute by minute tweets, status updates, photos, or videos. Now, at least with the people that you border on a closer friendship with, your absence is in your face - and it can hurt, badly.  I have those friends where it doesn't bother me a bit - the line is clear and not hurtful in the least. But, back in the day, you didn't talk about your parties, soirees, get-togethers, picnics, etc. in open company based on rules of politeness - an awareness that it might hurt people's feelings unintentionally. I'm sure some of that politeness was to preserve the appearance of kindness as well - a way to pretend you were nice when really, you could care less. Some good it did though. Things were allowed to die.

I'm finding the social networking for me, at least, is making me feel less connected, rather than more so. What an interesting effect. Seems to prove that less is more. I'm ready for more that comes by way of less.  I don't want to be a slave to being forgotten, left out, or rejected. I want to be a slave to Christ - and anything that feeds the monster that causes me to dwell on my situation, my circumstances, my hurt, my me, my me, and my me is not working toward Christlike humility. It is in fact, a form of yucky pride. I gotta kill it. And that means healing and that means not using acceptance by others to do it. It will not be easy because this desire has been there a looooong time - even before I knew Jesus, and perhaps more alarmingly, while Jesus was in the picture, continuing along in a disguise. Time to die, lie. Time to die.

Some may decry my post as a pity-party. So be it, what does that matter? It hurts and I don't know how to fix that. But I can be wise and back off from feeding the monster. I'll be available via email, text, etc. But on Friday, I will deactivate my Facebook account for as long as I need. I won't be gone forever since so many messages are communicated that way, but it's time.

Erin

techno.techie@gmail.com

(email for number - this is the internet, yo)

Leaving the Internet: A Consideration...

Before you read this post, understand that this is a brewing conviction that I have. Not one I think you should have, not one you ought to have. I will not maim you in the same way I have been maimed for the sake of Christ. And part of this has to do with my desire of preserving myself and preventing my own sin.

I am considering leaving the internet. Absurd? Of course. Plausible and doable? Yes. What do I mean? Leaving Facebook, leaving Google+, leaving Twitter, leaving blogs. Just gone. Why?

Jesus. Well, that's not explicit is it? Tonight I was reading a blog post about why not to read Fifty Shades of Skank. Yep. Did I just judge someone? Probably. Oops. What shocked me the most was not the post. The comments. Unreal. And as I logged into Facebook, I saw someone who just "looooooooves" Jesus post something undeniably problematic with the Gospel. This was not strange for them, but their brand of "take it or leave it" Scripture-ish-based world-lovin' has been driving me nuts. Did I just judge again? Oops. 

How many times have I done this? Do I want to be friends with this person? I just don't want my Christian walk to be marked by gook from the internet - and I'm friends with some Christians who love gook. I love funny things and honest things - and I will tiptoe the line of gook. But I'm thinking, I don't want to tiptoe any more. I want to really, really love Jesus in a remarkable way - and there are things I JUST HAVE TO GIVE UP. I just don't want to be mainstream and turning a blind eye to things. I also don't want to get into glowing screen to glowing screen arguments. Some people who argue do it in a way that really bring facts to light. Most just constantly "judge not lest..." others, which is my most favorite of the improperly interpreted verses by Christians dodging conviction anywhere.

I think, well, that I'm over it. I don't like seeing other Christians represent Christ that way. I don't like seeing my own behavior representing Christ that way. This has come up in conversations where I was preaching to myself about  how behavior slips as we don't watch it. There have been three very clear times where I know I just should have left a location - I didn't sin by doing something, but I did sin by not leaving. And in each of those clear times, I was left wondering, "How did I get here? This is not me or who I EVER wanted to be. How was I dragged into this???" There have been unclear times - and those you have to watch because they eventually lead to clear times. 

I think social media is becoming a clear time to me. I was good before Facebook ever shoved its book in mah face. I had a twitter before most people knew what it was - and I still think it's a "sometimes network" where I have no idea how people have THAT much time to post things. I started the blog because I wanted to share my feelings with anyone who might find themselves a 26-year-old, overweight, single virgin with the mind of a 85-year-old who has a hard time relating to her peers. I wanted those folks to know they aren't crazy. I'm here and I'm not shy and I'll try to make you laugh. But even blogs can be self-serving. I love to write. Venting has helped me articulate my thoughts for my own clarity. And while there might be zero hits or whatever they call it these days, I feel as though I've expressed it to another life form. But I can do that through prayer to a more powerful life form and know it's getting to Him. If it's God's will for me to share, then He will carve a new way or provide a new season. 

I know this post is all over the place, but I think for the sake of me not getting into internet battles over people this and me that, not getting angry about where our culture is, I need to say toodles to the internet for an indefinite amount of time. I don't know that disconnecting from Facebook is realistic (and I'm totally serious when I say this) because so much information is disseminated through it (Bible studies, church stuff, illnesses). Peeps have indicated that they missed messages because they weren't getting emailed or texted - everything was online. I don't want to abandon it completely because I know it's not the medium, it's the people using it. But I need a break (I think). The ComparisonMart that is Facebook is driving me bonkers (me = my problem). So a hiatus is abrewin'.

Maybe it's the late-night nature of the post (emotions have sharp edges at night - sleep softens them, so I read in a medical article about sleep). Maybe it's the heavy dose of fungi and garlic that were in my pasta at Carrabba's tonight. Or the sinisterly (not a word) good sweet tea with lemonade that I had. But maybe it's God telling me, "Enough." I'll be praying about whether this is God or me (it happens - because me sounds so good to me). As usual, I'm excited but doubtful of my consistency. I'm wondering if it's time though. I don't think it would do any harm and I think Jesus may just love it for me.

Wading into the Mire by Choice...

I've been through the wait-n-see job game for 3 years now. This is my fourth time. Did I mention that I resigned? I've never really done that, and I had never failed a class either (accomplished that one last Spring). There is a first for everything. This is the first time, though, that I have made a major decision where I didn't select the cautious, fearful, and miserable option. But there are a few things that I want to share about walking away from the classroom this time and being in a summer of doubt - a summer that I opted for over a guarantee.

I am a worrier. I hate to admit that because I'm low drama when it comes to my interactions with most people. I try to keep drama in relationships down because the drama inside my head is so off the chain. I think I probably come off as relaxed and laid back (well, unless you saw my Facebook status sheet from August to May). But the reality is that I am constantly fretting. It's better than it was - during this school year, anxiety was my living, waking nightmare. I'm learning how to neutralize anxiety, though, by reflecting on what my emotions are. It's not just about the emotions though - the emotions reflect serious heart problems - serious unbelief that I haven't addressed.

It's hard to questions beliefs that are so wired into our thinking. It's hard to pluck them out because then some of our thought wires become faulty and some of the structure that we live under and abide in caves and we feel very scared and lost. We live what we believe - and you can judge by your actions and thoughts if you believe wrong. But belief isn't some abstract thing - it's a root that grows a plant called you. Jesus became the first root and as I become more sanctified, it will become my last root. You can state a belief, sure, but I think to get to the bottom, you have to trace your actions and emotions to the root lie. (It's not easy - I really believe it requires the Holy Spirit - sometimes your thoughts and problems are so fragmented that you are mentally incapable of seeing the common lie that connects them.) Okay, so there is the abstract conversation - let me share where this is going.

When I went through jobless summers, I worried. What I learned about my worrying is that I felt like I had to - a compulsion. If I wasn't worried, something must be wrong with me. I should always be fearful. And that is when it hit me - what is the payoff of being fearful about jobs? God provided a job EACH time. Do you know that I thought He wouldn't if I wasn't worried? If I wasn't cowering in fear, I thought God would find me arrogant and prideful and not provide. I'm learning to re-examine this though - there is a tension there that is difficult to manage. Part of the worrying has to do with being a woman (yeah, let's be real), part of it has to do with an expectation that I was raised with. The fend for yourself mantra I felt was communicated to me growing up is a constant accusatory fiend I've lived with. No one is going to help you or do you any favors. You are a burden. And if they do help you, it's not because there is anything in you worth helping or valuable, someone is condescending to help you, a creature, so you better take whatever tripe they offer you out of thanks because you certainly didn't warrant it.

This Quasimodo complex is definitely where the Jesus pendulum of us being totally sinful and disgusting to God swings WAY out to one end. Do we take the first thing that comes along, no matter how menial or poorly fitting? Or do we wait on God to really lead? What's interesting to me is how I look at jobs differently from the way that I look at dating. I could go out there and get some random dude, but I wouldn't take the first guy if I felt his values didn't match. Why would I settle in other ways based on feeling worthless? Why do I feel so much shame when looking for a career and getting a position? Certainly, there is gratitude when someone gives you an opportunity, but that doesn't mean you allow yourself to be passively-aggressively taken advantage of.

Back to the fear though - I felt like fear was doing work for me. That by fearing, I was doing my job of being humble and showing that God could crush me...God is not passive-aggressive. God does not need me to show His might through me being consumed with anxiety. I'm not saying that I need to go puffing myself up to be so awesome that it's all good, I'm amazing and God knows it so I won't sweat. But I'm pretty wrong in thinking that God will only help me if I am constantly wringing my hands in anxiety about something coming along. I can trust God through fearless humility. God knows my reasons for leaving - I wasn't the best fit - the kids deserved more and better, I was constantly anxious and not feeling called, I wanted to stay in my community where my church is. My heart was breaking, I was weeping, and so I took a risk and left.

Can I say that it has been easy? No. There are circumstances and obligations placed on me that most 26-year-olds do not have. For the sake of some of these, I am asking God to provide sooner than later. But I refuse to be consumed with anxiety. I refuse to let fear rather than God lead me to where I struggle to feel calling. I'm tired of fear perpetuating expectations that I feel are a bondage rather than a freedom to me. I refuse. I think part of my anger issues all along is this constant pressure to be fearful of things that can happen in life - fearful of mistakes, loss, risk. I hope through this process that I learn how to kill fear, thereby killing anxiety. A lot of my immobilizing anxiety has died, which means I've been very productive lately, but some other types still lingers in the background. I believe I will be victorious...because I refuse.

Singleness...

I'm sharing this because it's been on my heart lately. This past spring, the ebb and flow of singleness have been a running background noise while I was in the midst of a flurry of crying and grading...mostly just crying and then lots and lots of grading.

It is lonesome out here in Christian Singletown. I specifically identify the Christian nature as my identity is in Christ. But while a sermon in Church is always beneficial to me, fellowship is, well, sort of non-existent. While I have been able to at least meet people through serving (I'm speaking of families, not, you know, men), feeling apart of people's lives has been very rare. I love my church, but what I am finding about many churches is that the people in them often have a narrow view of fellowship - especially when it comes to people who are spouseless and childless. And it is starting to break my small heart.

I do not want to turn this into a whining or complaining post. I've obliged on that front plenty; but I do want to share that this is still a problem. Some of us are still invisible. Some of us (okay, me) feel excluded from life because we're often treated like we haven't reached a sort of Christian fullness. More than the loneliness I feel from being without a husband and children is the loneliness I feel secreted by Christians who aren't inviting to (or unaware of) people who have a dramatically different timeline than they do. That does not mean inviting people to everything. It also doesn't mean forgetting about them or assuming that their desire for inclusion is based on marital status.

At our women's retreat this spring, I shared that the greatest thing I wanted out of fellowship was intimacy. While I won't even pretend that I just might not have some fundamentally repulsive flaw that keeps people away, the pain of disconnection is creating a deep well in my heart. I shared that, often, I feel forgotten about and excluded, not  intentionally, because I do not fit the prevailing demographic of my church. I was told as a child it was impolite (ugh, I hate that notion) to invite yourself somewhere. Some of us wait on hospitality, hoping to connect as we bubble under that rule of trying to be polite and not a bother.

I feel that, while the torch of being single in the southern church (let's put it that way, since, truly that's where I am) is difficult to bear in its own right, it would be vastly more palatable and manageable if single people could feel invited to the lives of others - we feel fulfillment in being of use and valued when invited to people's homes. Somehow, some way, spiritual children are born and reared, but how singles have spiritual children these days is hard to see in my view.  Some see you as less Christian or that something is wrong with you if your path hasn't quite lined up with the status quo - while unspoken, we humans know how to clearly communicate without words, we must agree. 

Perhaps I'm one of few single Christians who feels this way and the problem is unique to me. While I hope (and pray) that it's not because I wear people repellent, I cannot rule it out as a possibility. And there is always the painful and real truth that I could just be rejected based on the fact that I am obese. I'm not unaware that that happens nor can I cast judgment on those who do it. Sometimes you just want to know it's not you, I suppose. Nevertheless, the current cross of singleness I bear could be less painful. Ultimately, I will continue to take this to the cross, but still wanting to be transparent about life (and help my fellow "you aren't crazy" crazies), I wanted to share.

Love Unconditional...

What I am about to share is deeply personal and not without some still stinging pangs of shame, partly because showing the level of vulnerability I'm about to offer up is still trapped under the guise I was reared into: showing weakness is bad. However, I feel that for anyone who has felt as remotely hopeless as I have, it might help. And if sharing my triumph while yet weak helps someone overcome, God's will has been done.

As this year has been painfully difficult - panic attacks, anxiety filled with stomachaches at times reaching a point where I would throw up over my worry, weeping for the constant onslaught of insults leveled at me by people perfectly content, even proud of, their ignorance, I've struggled with my own rebellion. I have rebelled at an under-the-radar pace for quite some time, knowing myself to have deep anger and resentment for the pressure placed on me as an oldest child, partially sustained by my own need to be praised and desire for attention from authority figures who give the rules and make or break worker bees. My year teaching at an at-risk high school (while not economically high-risk) has unearthed my rebellion and shown its deepest, darkest potential. I had never been so unwilling to work and be creative in my life. And what birthed it? It wasn't so much the students. It was my anger and resentment at having worked and waited for what I thought I was missing, and feeling like I had been denied over and over again. But I couldn't place my finger on what that "missing" was.

Then, something happened over the weekend as I prayed, having let my grading catch up to me with sickening anxiety over my head (imagining confrontations from not having everything perfectly done, envisioning scolding from authorities that I have needed approval from) and coming down from physically shaking Thursday and Friday. I had been able to relax Friday because things were finally finished. And I decided it was prayer time.

My constant, underlying anger veiling a sense of sadness mingled with injustice was mystifying to me. I knew that I could not change the past of enduring a divorced family and I had forgiven the many rejections experienced, but this lingering anger was eluding me. Until I examined my arch nemesis, loneliness. While it is normal for any single woman to feel an acute pining for affection and love from a man in seasons of waiting, I wasn't willing to admit that I had been banking on it to give me what I felt I was lacking: unconditional love. Because I'm not very open about my romantic desires (I feel awkward really talking about it, and only lately have opened up about it to a sweet friend about things, and she's an awesome listener), I counted my reserved attitude as a reflection of being emotionally "okay." What an error, but I just wanted to negotiate the feelings of loneliness away, not really consider that there might be an underlying issue flooding into the forefront of my emotions and actions. It was the "missing".

But there was an issue, in my face and I was going to have to confront it with what I knew and all my fallen frustration and personal sadness. I had felt denied love. Somewhere in there is a little girl who did not feel good enough - who felt like she had to work for praise, love, and affection - who learned avoidance of disapproval by doing what she was told, but always looking behind her back, worried that the slightest mistake would mean a denial of affection. And she was thinking there would be a time for unconditional love, but that would have to be a long time down the road when she was older. Fine, she would wait. God would honor her patience and she wouldn't wander around pursuing it. She was trained well - did what she was told - God said not to pursue it, she wouldn't. But still, she would count on it to give what had been denied.

And the wait continued. Has continued. Only, I didn't realize I was angry and bitter about it. Not even an inkling, a liking, an affection, just...nothing.  Unable to tie all of this together, but having bits and pieces of a story, in conversations with my mom, I knew that I had felt denied SOMETHING...I had a hard time saying "no" to indulgences and spoiling myself in my own way, whether it was eating whatever I wanted, spending whatever I wanted, or acquiring my heart's current material desire. I told her this and she knew that I had thought it out and was on to something. I could not figure out what I was denied at the same time being angry about it.

Then this weekend, I was praying, and knowing that my current struggle in school was reminding me of the inadequacy that my schooling often made me feel (echoing that little girl's notion that she isn't good enough and that she has to earn and warrant the praise, affection, and love of others) I had to pray because I had known it for a long time to conflict with the Biblical knowledge that there is nothing in us that can earn the Lord's love, the best kind of love. It is not earned. It is a gracious, precious gift. I realized - what I've felt denied and angry about is unconditional love. And in my foolish little heart, I had thought I was so patient and honoring God so well as to warrant love to come my way in the form of a permanent romantic attachment. My conscience wouldn't let me get away with thinking I was honoring God though. I knew my rebellion very well. After all, a look in the mirror would tell me.

So, my overcompensation for my anger at feeling denied? I didn't deny my appetite for food, entertainment, or possessions. The consequences for the indulgence at my deeply embedded sense of indulgence are obesity, debt, and just way too much stuff. God's grace never fails, though. While still sensing my loneliness, God really showed me as I prayed and thought about Him and how grateful I was to Him for salvation and this head-knowledge of love that before I even knew these things about inadequacy and earning love, I had been saved at about age 6, having a very firm sense of belonging to God by the blood of Jesus. What God showed me this weekend was that I had always had what I had longed for before awareness ever set in but had never understood it. I was waiting on what was already mine, rebelling against being denied what I thought would bring it.  And though still feeling lonely, my anger very much subsided and bitterness melted away. I knew what to pray finally - that God would help my unbelief about His depth of affection for me and that I would not place this pressure on another fallen person, but trust in His freely offered love by the blood of Jesus. What a liberating prayer - to know what to pray and to finally TRUST God's love and teaching - something I had so struggled to do.

I pray that the death of this unbelief would bring new life to my need for self-control. In reminding myself that I have not been denied what I desired most of all, my prayer is that by the power of the Holy Spirit, I would take a healthy approach to denying myself the excess I had excused and permitted for so long. Finally feeling healthy - having a healthy understanding of my calling in the Lord and His offer of love to me - is more than I could have imagined for a weekend prayer session on a lonesome Friday night.  No need for rebellion or sense of injustice. Jesus loves me, this I hope to truly know.

Come Ye Sinners...

Teaching this year has shown me how much we do not deserve the God we have. While you know these things in bits and pieces - you think you really know it one day - then down the road you see it is so much deeper than you once thought.

I'm reading in Judges. I've been reading the Pentateuch for about an eternity now, and Judges is showing me parallels to my career life right now. I teach high school students. Not just any high school students - high school students with entitlement mentalities and whopping egos. I teach high school students who are beyond being above correction. In the midst of the demi-gods we teachers come and go. Our school has been in the news for major fights over five times. I've been called the B-word multiple times, been told to F-off, been shoved, been told, "I don't have to take this" (while I was also thinking it). I've spent whole class periods attempting to get the attention of each student at the same time for only 30 seconds.

And here I am, reading Judges. I've talked to my kids, tried to get through to them, knowing that my Jeremiah moments will probably fall on deaf ears. I see Israel in them. As a teacher, I want them to hear and do before the face they consequences of an ungracious and unforgiving world. I want them to heed wisdom. I sound really great, don't I?

Frustration and straight up rage are my neighbors. Never have I been so negative - never have I been so out of my mind angry, upset, anxious and frustrated. Never have I simply put on full display the depth of my depravity. I need a Savior. I count myself elect - I know Jesus has ransomed me, continues to. But this has been hard and frustrating. I find myself confessing nothing short of hatred often.

The struggles through this past year have shown me how deeply I do not understand the patience and mercy of God. As I complain and weep to the Lord, as I air out my frustrations and hurt, I'm reminded of the accused and silent Jesus who stood before full-on liars and did not force His cause nor exalt Himself. I'm nowhere near that. I'm not even blameless and I'm at my wits end.

It truly is a wonder that we have not been cast into the pit of hell. I look at some Christians who don't like that kind of talk - the talk that tells us that we are horrifically depraved sinners in the face of a God who has given us chance after chance after chance. Until they have seen the unashamed depraved and how they don't even WANT a rescue, how they refuse help, how they continually brag about their folly, and then how they treat others who would welcome them with open arms would they see their own reaction to it and conclude that ALL of us, each and every one of us needs a Savior to pull us out of the pool of sin that we are drowning in. And if you don't think you are drowning, you are not in a place where you can be honest with yourself. I wasn't. I grew up churched, grew up knowing Jesus, grew up loving Him, grew up espousing neat and trite "you should" statements, and understood very little about what my reaction to situations would say about me if I was in the worst of the worst conditions. I'm not even out of the country in some place with no clean water and I'm already crying foul (and crying a whole lot just in general).

We need Jesus so badly. With desperation we need to seek Him daily that His mercy would fall on our children - many of whom have no fathers, overworked, angry mothers sadly removed from the reality of their children's depravity, and grandparents who wonder what exactly went wrong. We need Jesus to show us patience with people whom refuse our love and help, patience and grace with those who mock our efforts, and wisdom on how to move forward. We are coming to the end of an age and time will run out for everyone at some point. The harvest is ready. The workers are few.

The Rainy Season: 4 years and counting...

I've never had the Lord call me to something. I remember, at least, being 20 sitting in church knowing that I wanted to work in vocational ministry, but that thought ebbed and flowed and I don't know where it's gone now; it's a thought that is around, but there is so much uncertainty about the future for me where I sit.

Since that point, I worked at a ministry where I really struggled with the theology and authenticity in the atmosphere, only to move onto a profession I was unsure of. I've experienced unemployment several times and wept more in my four short years after college than I did in the 22 leading up to them. I have never experienced so much emotional pain and turmoil in my life. And there are questions I am afraid to ask God because I fear the answers - and more than the answers, I fear no answer at all.

My teaching job is the most stressful thing in my life. I work at a school that has been in the news where the culture is not only one completely different from the hybrid one that I grew up in but one that I have trouble respecting because of the values I see developing. But I still love who I work for, and it is a love that eats me alive because it cannot change the mistakes that those kids will make on the path they travel. Because I am struggling so much, I wonder if I could ever serve vocationally in ministry. My temper, I fear, is out of control, and the melancholy I'm predisposed to (in my opinion) has reached severe depression and anxiety because of the stress. Outside of dealing with my own struggles against perfectionism, I have entered a career where the secular expectation of perfection without the grace of a Savior is suffocating me with a pillow while my own battle holds down my arms. I'm not emotionally healthy enough for the job, and I think that's why I feel like such a failure lately. Nothing stings like feeling inadequate and knowing how weak you are, dependent upon the approval of your authorities and the peers you admire. And, I don't "feel" called. Or I do and I'm resisting. I cannot even tell anymore.

I don't feel called anywhere - or really understand what that looks like. In fact, I even live hesitant to straighten things up and make them look great because I'm afraid I will be uprooted again. I've moved back and forth from so many places, that I feel unstable, at best, where I am. I feel so insecure in where God wants me that I feel as though I cannot relax because something will be disrupted again. The greatest disruption was my parents' divorce, and I fear the gravity of pain like that coming again. I fear stepping out in faith for anything because I fear more suffering. I fear more stress and strain. I fear more tears.

But, I have seen hope. I've seen God take a sobbing teacher on a 45 minute ride to work where she knows kids will berate her and disrespect her and turn her heart and attitude to positive thoughts and hope. I've seen God take this unwilling brat who does win some compassion because she wants to learn and change and force her into the place of dealing with her failures and weaknesses. I have seen God break through the churning stomachaches of an anxious mind and give true, unmovable peace. I have seen God keep the sun in the sky 7 days for someone who couldn't get their work done on time. I have seen God sustain faith when none could be found in this girl. I have seen God. And I have learned about grace.

I've read the Pentateuch - it took me long enough in my life. And I'm reading Judges now. I can't help but draw parallels between the Hebrews and my students. They refuse to listen to what is good for them and gripe when they face consequences. Their repentance is few and far between and the fruit may take decades to see. When I arrive at this point, I'm amazed at how God did not and does not give up on any of His elect. How he has not given up on me when I prayed for Him to teach me and show me my sin and have rebelled in the process. It's enough to bring me to tears each time because the pain I feel over my students is what God feels over us and our sin. It is what He feels over me when I complain, when I am impatient, when I refuse to get my work done, when I refuse to do what I know to be right because I'm angry at others who are doing wrong, and when I've exhausted myself to the point of anxiety over things I could have prevented. It has spurred me on to fight my sin, to crush it. And I have realized it is potently strong. It is the reason I have had so much trouble - and while some may not be surprised and the answer maybe obvious, when it comes to you seeing it and understanding the potency with which it controls your actions and heart, no one could speak it to you on their own strength. It is a revelation, and honestly, you know you can't tackle it in the least on your own. 

Part of that has to do with the pain it's shrouded in - it's tender to the touch because you feel justified in doing it. Really justified - not just rationalized, but justified to the point where people would understand and have compassion on your sin. But we can't be compassionate to the sin. I cannot feel that it is okay no matter how painful it is to heal - because it is painful. It doesn't feel right because things really aren't fair. There are painful things that will constantly draw tears - and I hate living with them - but I have to step forward with God and kill the sin that the pain wants to justify. I have to believe that God meant what He said through Paul in Romans 8:28. Even as betrayed as I feel by some, by my work, I must do a good job because I'm called to work as though I was working for Jesus. It's right to do right, regardless of the trampling I take - and I have seen how hard it is to do right when you have been personally maligned and attacked, when you circumstances have been less than what you believed could be the worst. I never knew how hard it could be, but living it, I'm convinced my only hope is God enabling me to crush my sin which seeks to justify retaliation. I still don't feel called. I still feel like life is vague in more ways than I am comfortable with, but I need to do well and better until the time comes for the moment where the fog clears and I can feel peaceful again.

Progress: Maiming the Beast

I'm sitting here at a desk that's been moved to an opposite wall to accommodate a once garage-dwelling dresser. I've pulled up carpet with my bare hands, removed carpet staples with pliers, vacuumed plywood (what's under the carpet and carpet padding), and laid one area rug until we get new carpeting in here. 

I've put things in a donate pile, placed things in the sale pile. While I still need to purge more, I can actually walk around in here. Asking myself what I actually use has perhaps been the best, honest question that has help me let go of things. It had been harder because I looked at so much as a representation of what I had spent on it. But looking at it and letting go of the "money" aspect has really been freeing. When I thought it would bother me, I'm finding that it's not a big deal. Does this remind me to be careful about my pennies? Certainly, but the old stuff can go.

Now I'm dealing with the reality of returning to work and being in a place that really stretches what I am naturally good at. But that's another post for another day. Happy New Year, still. Erin