An Open Door...

It's been a long time since I wrote a post. That has been intentional, but lately I've felt the need to share about my summer and the amazing things that have happened since then.

Coming out of my previous teaching experience in Gwinnett, while the year was the best that I'd had ever, my heart was to come back home to Acworth where my church was. In march, I set a limit on myself that I would job search until the 30th of June. If I couldn't find another position closer to home, I was going to stay put, find a roommate and an apartment, and find a new church home and community. My heart would be broken, but I would know that I'd done what I could to find something closer to home.

April came with no interviews. May came with no interviews. June came with no interviews. I was sad. I'd applied in the business world and in the education market, and all was silent on the western front. I was bummed. I was disappointed. But I knew that I'd tried everything, applied everywhere, and gave it my all. I'd already set myself back by doing poorly in graduate school, it was painful to not at least find a job near home. I'd prayed for something different. Over Spring Break, I'd prayed that I would have clarity in what to pray for. And there were two things I came away with - working closer to home and being able to earn more.

And nothing. I felt like God had given me those two things to pray for so that I could develop community in my community and get out of debt while being in a position to financially help others. And July came and I was down, but I resolved to commit myself to the school in Gwinnett...then the calls came in. Right before I was heading back to the system for pre-planning, a school (an excellent school) in Roswell called me for an interview. I would have gotten the job - they don't call you just before the start of school to not hire you. But the distance was still 50 minutes from my home. I'd said I couldn't, but I called a friend to see if I should call them back and say I actually would like to interview. She said she thought not to bother unless it's just right - at home. I said okay and hung up my misgivings. I was going to be okay where I was.

Then, two days later, it happened. The Wednesday before I was supposed to return to Gwinnett on Friday, a school in the same cluster where my first job was called me. They wanted to know if I was interested in interviewing. Without hesitation I said yes, and all the hope I'd ever had bubbled up. I immediately called my superiors at the Gwinnett school - and they said something that shocked me: I should do what is right for me. I was blown away by their support even though I might put them in a tight position. It happened that they had interviewed two people for one position - both whom they had liked - and one could take my vacancy if there was one. My AP was going to allow me to leave training to go to my Friday interview.  I began to hope, and I wanted to burst at the seams.

I had my interview, which I had mixed thoughts about. I wanted the job so badly, but I couldn't feel out anything. The waiting game was awful. I called the school Monday, and waited again. I knew they would start their school year on Thursday. Monday evening, I'd heard nothing. I was convinced I didn't have the job. I'd been through the job wringer so many times. It was my fifth time entering the ring - and I had a good right hook, but nothing was ever a guarantee. The next day I went to the new teacher onboarding for Gwinnett - Over 1,000 new teachers were there, all happy to find a job (especially lit and history teachers). I was the only person a little sad. I went to my meetings, then was headed to the next session. The phone rang and I ran outside. It was the principal - she was calling to offer me the position. I started shaking so much my voice was quivering. She told me what I would need to do and I ran off to complete the process.

God showed me that He would answer my obedience with faithfulness. I was blessed beyond measure. After leaving Marietta, I'd searched without luck to find a middle school language post (they are HARD to come by). And here I was, going back home to the same place I loved to teach the younger students. As I think about it now, I simply want to cry at the joy that was handed to me. After 1 year of complaining, 3 years of wandering (and a little more complaining), over 10 interviews, over two dozen applications, 16 months of 50 minute commutes each way, and repentance, I was allowed to return home. I cannot express what it means to me to be back. I feel blessed beyond measure and I'm so thankful that God guided me through it all.

Psalm 27:13-14
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

The Time Has Come...

I have been praying for the last few weeks that the Lord begin to change my heart regarding my lack of urgency in sharing the Gospel and living this life for Him in a more intense way than I've ever lived. While my exterior - my speech and opinions, language and education might convey to some in our American Christian culture that I'm mature, the truth is that in my private thoughts and personal ambitions, I'm exactly the image of false piety that plagues American Christendom. I've known it and struggled with it for some time - these are perhaps strong words, but I use the because I love my mattress and value so much stuff.

Materials are not the devil, but I demonstrate a level of idolatry that has bothered me for a long time because it does not comport with purchasing the pearl of great price, living to lose my life that I might gain it, or much of what Jesus taught about wholly pursuing Him. I am, which I hate, like the rich young man who tells Jesus that he does not sin against the last 5 commandments but cannot sell everything and live as a pauper for the sake of the Gospel. I cannot live with these specters of a message that I know was left for me.

While I make the observation that our culture is replete with my brand of Christianity,  I'm not saying that anyone else ought to feel the way I do - I am neglecting a call to ME to really believe and dig deep to give it all up. God is telling me to give up the hoax that remaining in the US, embedded in a live of blissful complacence and "normalcy," will satisfy the deeper dissatisfaction that I have that I'm being called to something that will require more myself than I could ever hope to do in my laughable "own strength." To say that I am scared is an understatement of major proportions. And I'm fighting the urge to ask God why I am burdened in this way when others can be content in their lives. But to dismiss these feelings after they keep coming back - after I keep affirming that I can't deny what Jesus tells us to do and what that means to me would be to sin and live in a state of medicating that incessant rumbling in my brain that I HAVE TO DO MORE. And never have I felt more alone.

So, practically, what will I do and what is the plan? I am burdened for missions. I cannot envision staying in the states if I'm to call myself elect - I have got to go somewhere with less distractions because I'm too tempted  here, in my crippling weakness to really live as God is saying to me I have to live.  If I can master it here, I will stay. But that is so unlikely, that I think I must go.

Right now, today and for the next 2-3 years, I'm praying the following:

-What possessions to sell immediately
-What I will keep to take
-A job for the next 2-3 years that will enable me to pay off my debt
-Completing my graduate education in 2 years
-What country to go to

So, there it is -  a tentative game plan. If God is leading you to pray for me, please pray I don't fail - even now, I'm concerned about how I will financially help my family because I feel a responsibility for that, too. Right now, the heat is on, but the fervor will subside in the next few days. Right now, all these things are pressing in on me, but I'm reminding myself that there are a few years time and first things first (like paying off my debt!). I'm excited and terrified of failure, but if I neglect the urge anymore, I will be disobeying Who I love most in my life, Jesus.

Growing Up Fast...

Today, at our church, Four Points Church in Acworth, our pastor preached an awesome message that was a two weeks in the making for him and a week in the making for me.

My walk with God has struggled so much lately. Between dealing with new emotional pain and financial hardship newly encountered in my life - the details of which I can't and won't mention here, since I wasn't the source of them - I've found it difficult to seek the Lord through prayer or read His God. I know in my heart I don't want to be some "fair-weather" follower. I don't want to praise only through good circumstances, after all, it was not God who brought sin into our lives. However, I struggle nonetheless.

About mid-week - I can't remember the day, they all bleed together when I have to get up so early! - I was praying to the Lord about why I've been feeling so angry lately, even hatred. I didn't have to scour my heart to find the answer for long. I told God that I just don't understand why it has to be harder for me. Rather than going down the "it's not fair" route, my question wasn't quite seeking that line of thinking.

Most people my age are enjoying their youthful freedom, their marriage, their children, their jobs. I, on the other hand, have struggled through my profession since going into the workforce. While this year has been the best to date, I still find some lingering sadness.  Most people my age aren't dealing with the heart break of more than one person's poor choices or devastating decisions and the impact on their lives. I had to ask why it has to be so much harder, not just for myself, but also for another that I do life with - why we are dealing with such radical hardship all in one foul swoop? I still don't know why and my question wasn't answered that afternoon, but I did find solace in the gathering of believers.

At church, relating a story, our pastor used the same phrase verbatim about a situation he was confronted with - really has been confronted with since the birth of the church. He had asked as well why it has to be so hard for him. Confessing his sin, I felt less alone than I have in the last few months, working through so many tumultuous years. While relieved, I know my heart to still be broken over many things, but I am fighting through it. While having defeated much anxiety and depression by the power of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Jesus, I am feeling "normal" sadness. Reminding myself that I have much to be thankful for, I press on, though watching someone close to me suffer more is so hard.

So many of my experiences have made me old - old in heart, and stubborn in my lack of faith in seeing things get better. I know we will have joys and sorrows in this life, but my heart so longs for joy. I feel as though so much has been robbed by sins, outside of what I've committed against God, I almost do not see how God can replace the years the locusts have eaten. I will pray though, outside what is within me, that God helps my unbelief and I withstand the tears I'm shedding for the sorrow. I will pray that I know that soon enough, though it be even 70 more years of suffering, that one day all these pains will be a different life and a new one will be given me when He receives me unto glory.  I will press on and press in.