Turning away from the past...

Today, I said goodbye to the past. But I wonder if my physical action of doing it will help the emotional and mental action. I held on to old notes from high school - it was work, no doubt. That's what's hard to part with - work - hours worth of notes, physical representations of regrets, and physical representations of successes. But I put it all in the trash. I'm tired of looking back, regretting, being strapped to it, wondering what "should have been," all the depression of it. I want new. I need new. I need different. I need to be different. I kept the language stuff from Spanish and Latin - the stuff that really interested me. I'm tired of forcing myself to be well-rounded into liking everything. I enjoyed the other subjects and was even good at them, but I'm okay with saying goodbye. And I like saying goodbye to the feeling "this could come in handy someday..." Goodbye "could." I'm not running the stats of keeping the trash around. It's not eternal. Only I am.

I thought of the element of my personality I'd like to trade - probabilities, possibilities, chances, maybes, what-ifs. I just want them gone. I want a plan. I want a decision. But I am the architect - I'm the one that looks at the solutions, weighs them, decides, but takes a long time to do so. And sometimes, those things get dusty! Those blueprints get old...new technologies are out there, the old won't do. And with so many new options, I'm ready to purge the old ones, no matter how much work they had been. All those unfinished things, I'm forgetting them, getting rid of them, and moving on. Perhaps the best word for it is "fed up." It's funny - now I feel "fired up" - I do feel different. For so long, being cautious is what I was about, but now, I just feel like that is a mold that I was squished into. Don't throw that away, it could be useful; you'll get back to it; you'll finish that; you might make a big mistake if you do that. No, I won't finish it, and, I'm fine with not finishing it; well, I've already made mistakes, and I'm forsaking that word "might." Hang the regret of it, I'm tired of living in the past. I'm thankful for learning to be in that mold though - I think it's made me wise when I would otherwise be extremely foolish. The pendulum did swing too far, though, and I think it's time to come back to the delicate balance. It's time to take risks, it's time to exercise discipline and feel like I can steward myself and my life again, on behalf of God, empowered by the Holy Spirit. It'll be weird not feeling like I am out of control.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for not doing or following what I feel a culture, that is not surrendered to Jesus, expects of me. I'm tired, really, of not being me. This is such a liberating notion to me that it makes me feel like I really have the freedom in Christ to move on, to forsake the shame, and to bear the cross. I can't say how much regret has held my life in it's squeezing grasp, and it's not all gone, but I am ready to be healed of that. I'm feeling as if that's the door to growing up, letting go, maturing, and finally feeling like I know myself better, and I'm okay with who I really am under all the layers of misidentity and scarring, from others, but worse, from myself.

Best thought of the day - that none of it is eternal. The physical stuff isn't - what to rejoice in? It NEVER goes to waste! All of that past, every bit, thankfully, is remembered by the Lord, acknowledged by him, forgiven where needed, rewarded where needed, healed where needed, exalted where needed, redeemed where needed. These tiny little things He remembers. Praise Him for sovereignty! Praise Him for justice! Praise Him that just the improving knowledge of Who He is and how He is affords freedom to the bound. I'm so very in debt to Him, and that's the only place I want to be.

New things...

Much is on my heart and mind right now. I'm feeling kinda lost. I feel like I'm making lots of wrong decisions, but I don't even know what the right ones are. I wish I had some reassurances. But I am continuing in prayer. I thought I'd make this post lighter.

2 Things I am learning about myself:

1. I'm an extrovert.

2. I'm super sensitive.

Okay - in middle school, on the myers-briggs I was an introvert - anyone that tested for personality mapping, that's what I got. But I'm finding that I'm not really. I wrote in an earlier post that I thought I might be - but rejection - lots of it - changes a person; by that time, most of the damage was done. I think I was hurt pretty badly, and I think I just didn't want to go there with people anymore. I bailed. So for a long time, I did not like people. AT ALL. I didn't want to engage, I wanted to be left alone. Until God did some real emotional healing in my life, I really had pigeon-holed myself into the role of "outsider" whenever I was in large groups of people. But the truth is, I like being the entertainer - I like chit-chat - I like making people laugh - I like telling stories. I will almost always bail on individual things to go hang out with people if I am asked. I ALWAYS want to tag along. Part of that goes to my need for quality time. But I am finding that I want to be near activity. I can be alone, sure, but usually, I am listening to the radio, sermons, movies. I'm finding that I'm more social than I really cared to admit.

It's no wonder that I feel like I live within a dichotomy in my mind - part of me still is reluctant to engage because my heart is rather tender. My feelings are readily hurt. I think it's the people with the most tender hearts that can only get the hardest ones - I think wounds go deep, and to barricade from that level of pain, I think when people who are sensitive really get wounded, they become rocks, bitter, hard, and ugly. Softening that hardness is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks to do; in my personal opinion, I think that it is only by means of a very personal realization by Christ's power that really heals that nastiness. It was that way in my case. And I'm inclined to believe that the bitterest person can become the most loving and affectionate if healed of those deep wounds.

For me, in the present moment, I'm still scared of risking some things. There are some betrayals that are still very fresh. And it hurts. And it makes me think of Jesus. And then I cry because I do that to Jesus. And I am just as guilty, not less, because sin begets sin. I don't want to be the source of that kind of affliction for anyone, and it bugs me to no end that I commit the same sin committed against me. Part of me feels guilty for feeling hurt. And my home was a home where there was little compassion for emotional pain, and there were times where I was told I wasn't allowed to be upset, so I stifled many emotions and learned not to cry. So now, when feeling upset, I feel like I have deserved the treatment that got me upset. Part of me is still bound to that "do not cry" so I almost feel as if it's wrong to feel sad about being hurt.

Bondage sucks. So many imposed perceptions and graceless judgments can really hound people who are easily guilted. I attribute this to tenderness because I figure, if you can easily feel, you can easily feel negatively. It's prayer that gets me through. And God is so merciful. The part of me that I want back so badly, the part that I had when I was a kid, was my readily friendliness and my desire to pursue friendship with people. After being turned down so many times, eventually you stop calling, and you just wait for people to want a relationship with you. And that can be equally if not more depressing. It's at those moments, those depressing ones, that I realize the person who I need to rely upon is Jesus. I'm dependent on Him to meet my need, because if I rely on people for those ups, I'll be let down eventually. But more importantly, I need to show my deference and reliance on him. Getting so upset about hurts, and people-this, and people-that can expose an underlying sin of idolatry for the admiration of men. And I am not about to excuse myself and say in my case there is no sin. I believe in the deceitfulness of the heart - of my own. That there are things that I don't want to admit, that there are things that I enjoy more than God, and that I cannot be trusted even by myself. So even when I am healed, there is still an element of my own personal repentance when it comes to things like this. And I can only say that the way that God deals with us by the power of the Holy Spirit through Christ Jesus is nothing shy of remarkable. The forgiveness of sin and the power of emotional healing at the same time really is something God-sized powerful. I've never learned more in my life than when God has been my Teacher.

Drowning in the Sea of Options

I'm someone who looooooooves options. I like having a choice - I love researching the options to make the best decision. But now, I'm in a place where "best" is a hard-to-place label at, well, best.

What do you mean, O Confusing One? I mean that I have TOO many. And I'm kind of laughing right now because for people who like options, normally, our response is "there are NEVER too many." The major problem that I am running into is that I can't tell the future. If I could just solve this problem, we'd be good - I could way the stats of "best decision" and go.

Why do I have options? Well, formally, officially, I no longer have a teaching position. There's a dark side to the part of me that doesn't want to quit - part of me also probably wouldn't be brave enough to leave, even though I might not like the profession, because the money does create a sense of security. I mean to say that if I were offered a contract, I would continue. It would be unwise to walk out on a guaranteed position, no matter the difficulty or the infeasability of continuing my adult education at the same time.

What's convenient about my non-renewal is that I have no choice but to at least start planning for elsewhere. What's convenient is that my "no" is said for me. It's just like any convenient excuse - where you wouldn't say something, though you might be dying to, but all of a sudden, something happens, and the message you wanted to convey is conveyed without you getting your hands dirty.

That's to say, I don't want to leave - but getting my certification would be cheaper if I did it all at one school and got my masters as well. And I'm enrolled at two universities. I can't imagine staying two years in a program without getting my higher level degree. But I think it's also stupid for me to student teach if I go full time. And what if education doesn't pick up for YEARS? I dunno...I have major decisions to make.

At this point, I reflect on my true dream - full-time ministry and travel. I know that I want to be in vocational ministry. I felt like God said to me when I interned for a year at a college ministry that my job was to be the iron that sharpens iron. It wasn't evangelism or healing or such. But doesn't this imply teaching? Maybe I heard wrong. I wouldn't put it past myself.

I'm kind of at a loss, again. Seminary? Graduate school? What am I doing??? Who does He want me to be??? What should I order at Starbucks??? (Okay, not that one...) But joking aside, whatever indecision lies at the heart of me is frustrating - what's the plan? Why do I feel like I am on someone else's timeframe and not my own?

Perhaps my problem lies where it always seems to lurk...at the beginning. Fräulein Maria told the Von Trapp kids, "Let's start at the very beginning...it's a very good place to start". Yeah, well if you don't know how to or what the start is or what you should start, that song is rather depressing (not really, but I will take issue with the good fräulein later). The mechanics of WHERE to start kill me...but I think I might list the things that I like in life. Maybe that will prove to be of some inspiration.

Worst in me...

I went into work today wondering at how my job brings out the worst in me. I have had all of my impatience exposed, yelled with no results, and feel like I have accomplished nothing (though some things have been accomplished). And I feel sad and like a failure.

It made me ask the question: is it best to work at a place where you are challenged to modify your character, feeling like the worst of you is being smushed out, or is it better to work where your strengths shine, your weaknesses are minimized and you love it all the time? I know that God has his purposes - and there's nothing so depressing as totally tanking at a job you thought you'd be good at. As a tutor, I have ridiculous patience. As a teacher, I have little to none. With the prospect of losing my job, I don't want to lose it feeling like I don't have another chance to try it out again, applying what I have learned and starting over. I hate feeling like a quitter. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. But the very great chasm of public education is saddening.

I want to believe that God is so big that each and every one of my students can make it in the same semester, in the same year. But there is so much sin in our world - what has happened to my students in their home life, at school, with friends, on the field - there's so much damage - so many things were done wrong. So much is irreversible. But I BELIEVE that God is merciful and good. I wish I had prayed more. I wish I had been more vigilant about being patient. I wish I had not been so short tempered. I wish I had loved it all as much as I thought I would. I wish I could have fixed what was broken in their lives. I wish I could have made them want to learn. I wish I could have made them want to be fixed. I wish they would have eyes for seeing. I wish they would have had ears for hearing. I wish they would have known and believed that I pulled for them. I wish they had known that I bent over backwards trying to get them through. I wish...I wish...I wish. I wonder at the amazing patience of the Lord through my stubbornness, my own obstinate nature, my own selfishness, my unwillingness to learn. And I wonder at how I can make Christ's behavior, attitude, love, correction, patience, peace, gentleness, self-control my own.

If I have trouble being a sinner teaching sinners, I cannot imagine what God feels -the mix of emotions all in perfect balance, perfect expression, perfect harmony. I am at a loss for comprehension. But when I allow God to invade the complaints my brain, I am humbled, and simply without words but for the praise for Him who knew me when I was yet a sinner. All I can do is admit that I am so out of my element, so completely inept, so ill-prepared, and so poorly wired that I am utterly reliant on God. My desperation is beyond even what I have known. It's all in a shambles. I just need a rescuer...a Savior.

Lots of Repentance...

A couple of nights ago, the lows started to strike me - just feeling down, sad, etc. In short, I was feeling like many, many things were wrong in my life. And they are. And I just was on my knees, with some tears. And I started praying for my own repentance.

I decided after I prayed to write down things in my journal - and I feel like I had a real breakthrough. There are four areas where I simply want to repent - in the caring of my body as the Holy Temple, in the caring of my household chores, in managing my finances, and in meeting with the Lord on an EXTREMELY regular daily basis. I began writing about why I hadn't addressed this with the Lord, knowing that these had been regular, habitual problems.

And as I was writing, I knew why. I thought they were selfish things to ask for/ ask for help for. That may sound crazy, but I felt like asking for them would be focusing on me, and I was so under the pressure to not ask for those things - and they are VERY important to the individual health of a person. But for that reason - that they specifically relate to me - I found it not right to ask. I often feel terrible for asking - I feel like a burden, but really, I am burning inside to be reached out to. And that's hard, because people DO treat people like burdens. Then they say they are willing to help and go the extra mile. And the talking out of two sides of the mouth drives a person like me nuts.

I can attribute this to the passive aggression that still lingers in the fringe of my person - much of it was eradicated by the first experiential event that God did in my life for me alone. But I've been treating God like I treat most people - lack of intimacy, lack of really letting Him (and even myself) know the real burdens and the real problems in my heart, hiding behind the guise of it being a selfish thing to admit or seek help for. But the reality is something much more painful... it's more along the lines of not feeling like I am allowed to ask, along the lines of "what bothers me the most and what needs to be fixed the most desperately" is not worthy of voicing and seeking remedy. But it's made me out of control, especially emotionally. I am having to confront the fact that I don't even open up with God, I'm so far under a bondage of "can't ask because it's selfish", but then selfishness, because it's not so easily silenced, seeps out in other ways... I wouldn't put it past me to credit myself with caring for others because I stifle the most important part of myself - how I'm really feeling. And it does feel VERY good for me to serve when I do serve (though I often feel like people don't want me in their lives, to tell the truth). So I really do receive a benefit since it's not quite a sacrifice of time or effort - I feel built to do it. But I do stifle the emotions. Where I get this, I have no clue. My mom isn't like that - not nearly. I think my dad might be - but when you are like that, your tendency is to gossip because you can't stifle the emotions forever. But you won't talk to the person directly. DANGER. So, I am starting with this very small, but important, step of repenting for how bad I've let it get. I'm asking boldly, approaching the throne of grace with boldness, anticipating that the Lord will meet me with grace as I serve Him in faith through obedience. It goes so far against the grain of my original fallen thought, that I think this will be a longer process, but I welcome it. I need the help.

Waiting: a non-guide for the impatient...

How Not to Wait
By: Erin Milligan

1. Wonder "what if" over the same situation over and over again, with the same variables over and over again, running the same stats, playing the same game over and over again, learning no new information, and simply doing it all...over and over again.

2. Ask for prayer...again...again...and...again...gaining no new information, simply reminding yourself that God is the same, now, again, forever, realizing that you might as well wait because that's what God wants you to do because your deal isn't fearing the future, is more like knowing it now so that your busy gears can start turning again because you don't know how to stop the madness of the mathematics of your mind from mulling over minutiae.

3. Get yourself LOTS of down time where you aren't busy and you can just have imaginary conversations, make imaginary "what if" plans, and waste very REAL time when you could be cleaning your room (which should probably be featured on the TLC show "Hoarders" because it's just that much a mess) or you could be grading that mountain of papers, or learning how to bake a Chocolate flan that you saw the really cute little Mexican girl on the food network make (and you like chocolate better than regular vanilla flan, because who doesn't like chocolate??). Make sure you aren't accomplishing anything important - that is the real sign of having mastered 3.

4. Talk AD NAUSEUM about the situation you are faced with, adding no new information, learning no new advice, just chattering and prattling away about nothing, again, not doing the month's worth of laundry that has been in a pile, now a small tribute to Kennesaw Mountain (and little Kennesaw), that's on the floor of all 3 rooms of the house that you occupy. Make sure to preach to the choir - accomplishing REALLY nothing, just violently agreeing.

5. Think of non-things to do, non-people to talk to, non-food to eat, etc. instead of moving your college items from the garage to the basement (where they belong), because they have made a nice aparment out of the garage. Invent new tasks, new things to buy, get a new bee in your bonnet, like going to IKEA because you need to look for "x". In general, a good rule is to create new and useless tasks, etc. to continue on with. Make sure to convince yourself of things that you don't need.

6. Lament the beautiful day, saying to yourself that you really love nature, beauty, and photography, and puppies, and rainbows, and kitties and that you MUST not waste the day inside (though you might play farmville or mafia wars inside). Make sure to deny your allergy to mosquitos that leaves you with welts the size of quarters and your incessant sneezing when microscopic elements of God's creativity infultrate your fallen-world nose. Make sure to feel deep things, and think deep things, convincing yourself that this is of much GREATER import than the fact that your taxes are not yet filed, and you really could use that cash.

7. Use God as an excuse to avoid...God. Have a crisis of needing to "be with the Lord" which entails "battling through your same questions" as opposed to tackling the now, very obvious lack of practicality that has struct your young, 24 and 1/2 year old life with not quite a shock 'cause it's been there all along and it's probably causing the crisis, if there really is one (and there could be), in the first place. Make sure to get lost (without a map) in deep thoughts that have the power to overwhelm and immobilize you into inaction, making sure to perpetuate the drama, so that a sense of depth, worth, breadth, and feeling is felt, thought through, agonized over, and still not fixed. The point is to draw it out...then have a sense of accomplishment after conquering what is, merely a problem with having too much stuff, too many hobbies, and organizing that into one tiny closet, that problem that you have turned into a personality disorder (in your own understanding), when really, about a week would get you organized and set.

This is how you flounder. I hope it made more than just me chuckle. When I've overloaded my plate, bit off more than I can chew, and then some of those things are done and gone, I realize I'm empowered to do what I need (and honestly, want) to get done. I just thought to write a little characature of myself - because I sometimes take myself too seriously. Bless and praise the Lord for simple tasks to accomplish and the peace that the mundane chores of the house sometimes provide the overthought, the overwrought, the overworked, and the overrested. He is good, and many times, I am silly. And ALL the time, I need to clean my room.