Stuff is Fleeting, Meaningless: Overcoming the Addiction

You know, overcoming materialism is a hip trend. But as I write the blog post (avoiding the inevitable - cleaning the hurricane tossed tornadic ship-wreckage that vaguely resembles a corner bedroom), I can feel my anxiety rise as I think about even starting it. I'm at least committed to piddling around in there for an hour and hitting le hay about 11. But I know I want to put it off...the anxious monster is there and he mocketh me with a daunting task: you are going to have to sort.

Sorting is love/hate for me. On the one hand, it is very therapeutic in small, productive dosages. On the other, when you are a living, absent-minded, shambles like me, when the sorting is ridiculous, I want to bail and abandon my ship. As I was journaling this evening, I began trying to brainstorm (which is now what I do to retrain my anxiety) on how to at least make a dent in the task without overwhelming myself into despair and thus purging the attempted task into certain (yet indefinite) oblivion.  Let's just say that I dig myself a giant hole, panic when I realize what I am doing, think about how I can get out of the 3-5-year hole in 1 day, get overwhelmed because that's unrealistic and I can't commit to more than 1 day, then give up. I'm ignoring my anxiety at confronting a mess that I have made until I absolutely cannot avoid it anymore...

The problem is, I have become an EXPERT in avoiding. If this were Warcraft, I'm a guild leader. This Old House? Bob Vila. Painting happy trees? Bob Ross. I am the foremost authority in how to avoid anxiety by making busy with other stuff. I have my PhD in ADD. And I am (mostly) fully aware of it.

Brainstorming simple tasks (so simple like clothes, books, jewelry, no sorting, just grouping) brought on a hard, yet necessary look at my stuff problem. I have so much stuff and the stuff has emotions attached to it. This to me is a MAJOR issue. I have a hard time getting rid of certain sentimental items that would mean nothing to anyone else normal.  I suppose this might be linked to being rejected and holding on to "good emotions" - not having many friends, stuff begins to mean things.  This is an idolatry I would love to avoid examining, especially here in a public-ish way.  But it is an idolatry that has held me back too long. I can feel the sadness welling in my heart and mind as I think about such a ridiculous attachment because I know just under the surface it is masking yet more pain. Both pain to let go, but really pain that I didn't bother to resolve - it is the pain of very acute loneliness. Even admitting that now is hard.

While part of me feels shame in admitting that, part of me is so sad that I have felt so lonely for so long. Such isolation - almost a non-violent violent reaction if you think about it. People recede because their wounds are so large, then they turn to things that actually accumulate, but also cannot mend the loneliness. Just a mask. But to dismiss the emotions tied to the possessions is an error.  I'm so angry that I have to do it because I don't want to feel sad over things or even cry. But how can you get better if you don't address the illness? I know what God is calling me to do in addressing something "I really dont wanna" deal with. So far, God has been good to the little child that I act like - letting me deal with the things --> I <-- want to fix. But this is something I'd rather procrastinate on until the day before the second coming...certainly, my doofusy perception is that "it's harmless" but really, it keeps me in a clutter, overwhelmed, scrambling, and depressed because in that pile of nonsense is a pile of unresolved grief and emotion that "I just can't deal with right now." But I'm on holiday. And I just can't live life like this.

So, for you conceptual people out there, as I deal with the emotions and purge things that I ought not hold dear, I heard Dr. Phil (yus, I said it - bite me) say that you should pick your top 3 goals, and if some tasks and chores and things and, sometimes, people (the kind that are unhealthily involved in your life, I'm not suggesting some sort of "Eat Pray Love" vomitous philosophy), you need to make some ajust[deletions]ments.  This helped me to really take an honest look at how I'm drowning myself, my relationship to Jesus, and what I believe I am here to do. So, as I go in to the pit of despair, I hope to emerge triumphant, downsized, and emotionally healthier. Happy New Year, Erin

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 3

Ha! I hope that any of the 3 folks who read this are encouraged and helped through any trying time through which they are dragged kicking and screaming. I am living it and I am surviving it.

I have cried more on the way to work in the past 5 months than I probably cried between ages 7-10. I've probably had about 4 diagnosable (not a word), verifiable (a word) panic attacks. I have wracked my brain, stretched my limits, and spent myself on worry the past semester. I am so glad I dropped grad school in October for the time being. I think it's the first honest thing I've done for myself in several months.

My post about my dad really brought a great opportunity to meet with a counselor to work through it. And I will tell you, focusing on what is actually stewing in the cauldron of my heart rather than the absolute natural disaster-type devastation it has caused (or rather, poisoned) is the hardest thing I've had to do in working through my depression. My depression has subsided to a degree. I am motivated, I'm looking forward to finishing the semester, and I am getting things done. But, if I were a country, I'd be on the foreign aid list, needing food for the starving inhabitants, medicine for the sick, leadership in the political arena, an economic model to closely follow, and essentially, a 3rd world country. I, Erin, am a 3rd world country. That is not good.

I have gotten so used to neglecting and avoiding dealing with what's brewing in my heart that it is a task put off. I have too good a memory to write down my history. And it's not remarkable and actually boring. AND I don't remember it sequentially (this could be helped if I slowed down and really concentrated on thinking my writing through, but we have seen how that is). I've made it to first grade in my personal narrative, and that's nowhere when you consider I remember more and more as a I write through my past.  But I have to conquer what is eating me alive: what I believe about God's view of me, my view of me, my purposeful life, and what is right and wrong. If there is anything I have learned, it is that my parents have taught me certain platitudes as well as education that don't match up with the Bible - and these things I've kinda made a "personal law" are bondage that I am battling against. That's hard when you feel like they are your parents' rules, and you didn't break rules as a kid, so while the Bible is breaking some down with the TRUTH, you feel like you are disobeying the people you were taught to obey by violating their principles (or what your interpretation of those were). That is a beast of a task - a hairsplitting one at best.

What I can say is that by prayer, God has allowed me to examine how I am in my classroom, how I react or provoke, how I defuse a situation, how I make one worse, how I inspire, how I bore, what my strengths are and the great chasm that my weaknesses present to me being successful at what I currently do. God is using the difficult situation where I am in this career to breakdown falsehoods that are tightly woven into the perfect tapestry of His Law. It's not like the platitudes are necessarily bad - but they present a bondage to someone who zealously takes them to heart. They aren't to be treated as absolutes. And this is where I am examining my own personal philosophy and how my own mouth betrays a knowledge of the head unacknowledged in the heart. Unbelief is a killer, and I'm learning the role that knowing versus believing plays in it's ability to handicap even the most skilled at introspection.  It is hard to discern principles long harmonized to a young Christianity that aren't really Christian principles at all, but cultural ones that feel comfortable and seem valid.  I'm finding that certain passive-aggressive tendencies, the chaos and the drama, and my own lived-out philosophy are colliding because of a values mismatch. 

If you know anything about computer programming, you might know what an infinite loop is. If not, an infinite loop is when the user commits an error in a program and the computer tries to execute (the natural execution is repeat until result), and if you enter in a letter when you should have entered in a number, the computer can try working with the letter forever, not "aware" that it will never compute, but restarting the process each time to try for a result. This is what I am going through, but I'm finally tackling the lived-out philosophy because that needs reprogramming. All the chaos and emotions (like anxiety and depression) are residuals of a philosophy that is broken (for me, at least). And I need to rebuild from the Bible up. Knowing this has encouraged me to continue working while figuring out my difficulties with getting tasks accomplished - it has opened my eyes to some of the broken proverbs offered as wisdom by non-Christian-based "sages" who, while well-intended, have imprisoned many a student and free spirit.

What am I saying? I'm saying I gotta figure out what I really believe by examining who I really walk life out.  How I'm walking isn't looking too great, but at least I can bear witness to it and to the fact that something needs to and is about to change.

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 2

Alright, seems I had an epiphany when I wrote last time because I'm feeling a whole lot better about getting stuff done - but, ever the skeptic, we'll see how long I last.

I think the main thing is that I am actually doing something amazing by finally acknowledging the need for obedience to God in neglected areas of life. Good thoughts and feelings about Jesus don't mask the fact that some of my actions are the bullhorn of rebellion. So, here are the things, both conceptual and practical, that I am overhauling:

Conceptual:

1. Consistency - I've been consistently demotivated and deeply downcast. That's about it.  I haven't consistently packed my lunch for work, I haven't consistently even washed my hair (now, I AM hygienic, just constantly flying by the seat of my pants), I haven't consistently paid bills at the same time each month, I haven't consistently prayed or journaled, or really, read the Bible without hiccups, and if you read the blog, well, we know how THAT's been. So, goal? Consistency, stability, happy ritual (I hate the word routine - I'm a green personality [http://winning-solutions.com/Trainings/True_Colors/truecolor.html], it stresses us out).

2. Thinking and Practice - I'm working on how I overwhelm myself into oblivion and, painstakingly, breaking things down into itty bitty bite-sized pieces and squashing the notion that "I can accomplish everything I want to today." Let's call this killing that "all or nothing" perfectionist attitude. I just want to get SOMETHING DONE.

3. Moderation - I need to practice moderation and patience in all things, but particularly in impulsive things. I most def purchased a Keurig, but I had been contemplating that. When I got to Costco, the price was so right. Impulsive? Nah, the justification rationalizing capacitor in my brain has informed me not so. I'll only be going out when I absolutely must on a set day, rather than inventing reasons to leave the house (yus, I do this) to avoid what needs doin'. Moderation in eating, moderation in internet time, those two go without saying.

Practical:

1. Planning - Everything. I just need to. And it's okay to plan small stuff and get small stuff done if it works toward my main goal. This includes managing school things.

2. Finances - I am in serious debt - not that I cannot manage, but it's going to take a jaunt to fix it. So I need to work on a budget.

3. Weightloss - I just need to figure this crap out once and for all. I gained back weight after losing 30lbs, but lately, I am actually feeling horrible. I don't feel comfortable at all, feel fatigued and dehydrated, so it is time, frens, it is time to beat myself like an athlete does (checkout what the apostle Paul says about the athlete).

4. Home/Personal Maintenance - I am the anti-girl. Not that I am against girls, I just typically don't like girl things like makeup (though I like buying it), fixing my hair, clothes, cleaning constantly (really, I just loathe dishes), and making sure that I do maintenance appointments - nails, waxing, such and such. But I am finding that this is really needed for my job, since teenagers are so judgmental. I get my brows done regularly, but hadn't since the start of the school year - you wouldn't believe how many students, after I got them done last Saturday, said something to me about how good they looked - bruh, they just eyebrows! So this and cleaning are on the list.

So, this week, I report back on my experiment of the essential non-amazings, and hopefully, something amazing will occur. Don't forget to pray.

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 1

Background: Lately, I have been not handling basic chores at all, neglecting any sort of cleaning, most extra forms of maintenance (personal – putting on makeup, fixing my hair, picking out jewelry each day; car – oil needs to be changed again, tires rotated), taking care of cash flow issues and reimbursements. I am in desperation to understand my aversion to this because I’m fighting myself tooth and nail and tired of doing so. I’m looking for the switch that I need to flip, but that takes the help of God and introspection, so these are just ramblings, basically.

I hate cleaning and taking the time to clean and run errands. But, why? I was thinking today that I really need to search my heart about why some of these things are so hard for me.

I would say that I “just don’t care” or “Who cares?” Why is this important? No one cares about me and how I live. I don’t matter.

But I don’t think that’s why. I could say that and maybe some of it is true. But I was thinking more on it. I want to give up on trying to figure it out because the effort of having to brainstorm the causes and sift through feelings (like what is truly how I feel versus an idea) is somehow getting more difficult for me.

So I asked the question again. Cleaning makes me angry. It’s a task that never ends. I HATE that. Sometimes I just want things to be over with. Second, I’m under the illusion or delusion that I would be doing something “amazing” with my time, if I didn’t have to do household chores all the time. This need to do “amazing” bugs me to no end. Will I ever be a famous inventor? Will I ever produce a great song? Will I ever write a novel that will enable me to support myself through writing? Will I take a famous photograph or create a mini-movie that will change my life on YouTube? I know this sounds trite and stupid, but it’s what runs through my mind as I feel that I am settling into a task that isn’t “amazing” (I'm the queen of excuses of grandeur from time to time). Why are these things such a big deal to me? Why is creating and being known for that creation such an idol for me? Where did this come from? Really, how do I get over it to start remolding my life?

I hate small tasks that grate on my nerves: mailing paperwork for a rebate, submitting receipts for a reimbursement to insurance, calling people, buying tickets, scheduling people, collecting a check, even grading. Going to the bank is better because at least I get to go out. Then there is writing the budget. I hate it because it serves as a constant reminder of how far I have to go and how unmotivated and just lazy I have been. Haha, who wants to be reminded of that? So, like a mature adult, I avoid it until I absolutely have to do it, and it’s even more of a hideous monster chore than if I had just done it when it passed through my hands. How overwhelmed I feel is my fault and my fault entirely – I’m feeding the beast that makes me feel like I need to constantly run for my life.

And it’s just not working. I cannot avoid pain anymore, and that is what I have been trying to do, I think, as I write and reflect on why I have been avoiding. Changing habits, dealing with shortcomings, doing what I HATE doing and confronting the reality of poor choices all cause me pain. Who does not hate pain? For me, though, having felt very deep emotional pain since a young age, between severe, traumatic rejection by people, including my dad into recent years, has left me “not caring”, which is really just masking the fact that I don’t want to deal with the pain of doing, really, anything in addition to lingering other problems. I know that the myth is that I would use my “basic task” time for creating something amazing – but the truth is that I wouldn’t because I KNOW FOR A FACT that I would get frozen before I started, just paralyzed by all of the options available to me creatively: what medium? Is there a plan? What would the plan be? What feeling do I want to have? What am I going to capture? Why? What’s the point of that? A zillion people have been there done that. What’s the inspiration? Could I do this as a profession? How am I going to glorify Jesus? If I'm out for myself, that's wrong, so why create something if I'm gonna be tempted for my own gain as a primary factor?

At this point, I just want to tell my brain to shut up. I am overwhelming myself. If I do get started on a personal project, well let’s not lie and say that I will finish it. I feel like I’m constantly in the battle to finish things if I get them started. Cleaning is the same way as some other tasks. WHEN WILL IT END? And then I think “never,” and then I don’t bother. Back to square one at that point, where I pathetically try to psych myself up to do something, knowing that in the back of my mind, I’m thinking that I will fail yet again, and that somehow, I have made this horrible, resigned “I won’t finish it anyway” peace with it. As if, in some way, I feel like my personality and my habits are beyond my control. But in just writing this (which was the point), I think it’s because I know that I have no desire to cross the “pain barrier” to either start something or complete something started. So I make peace with failure (failure is something I absolutely hate) in order to avoid the greater evil of dealing with my pain-based frustration of having to do something that I don’t like, that’s not amazing, or that is ridiculously time-consuming (because I don’t wisely choose to go less ambitious for a starter project).

How on earth did I develop this need to do great in an instant? Why have I associated starting slowly with such a yucky feeling? Why do I want to be instantly good at something? Why do I hate ongoing projects so much along with routine? At least knowing I’m avoiding pain is a start. But there is more iceberg under that surface. Maybe perfectionism also plays a role. Probably.

Edit: Re-reading this, I know this is why I'm not keen on posting at 1:50 AM, and two, just so that everyone understands - there are multiple layers at work here - the surface is that I'm struggling just to finish even a chore; the middle is that I'm deceived that my time would be better spent in another pursuit, which I basically don't bother pursuing if I bail on the chore anyway (I feel guilty to boot, besides the option-overload); and on the deepest level, the desire to do something "great" is at conflict with the greater desire to avoid pain and almost certain frustration from having to work through an accumulated chore (now bigger because I avoided it) along with establishing new habits (after having wanted to be "fast" at fixing it, and the chore not getting done in one "session" because it has become so large). To conclude, pray for me.

Confrontation...

A lot has been happening lately. I have struggled through this entire year like no year before. Tonight I started a new bible study that is forcing me to confront something that I don't want to touch with a 10-foot pole: My relationship with my dad.

My father decided to quit our 18-year family for a younger, married woman.  Being a stickler for doing the right thing, I was shocked and deeply wounded. I still am.  It served to reveal to me how selfish people can be - not just in leaving, but expecting us to "role with the punches" of their choices. I was baffled as my father got angry at me for not simply "accepting" this mere "indiscretion".  What his behavior revealed to me about some fathers these days is their complete compartmentalization of how their own children feel about their betrayal of a whole family. The world at large looks on at a husband and wife as a sort of business transaction that has no impact on their children. What a hideous lie from the pit of hell.  I was told to just "get over it." I was told that it had been so long - the idea that time reduces the pain of an offense is a myth, especially when that person is so close to you in relationships. I was told that I must have been brainwashed by my mom - an offense beyond painful because my mother has only EVER maintained that we sustain a relationship with our father.

But my dad doesn't call. He doesn't email but only once in a while when his own nostalgia moves him to say something. He used to get mad at me that I missed a phone call (when I was actually talking to him), or would be angry that I didn't call him. It didn't seem to be enough that I'm a girl, and the daughter, and he is a man, and the father that he should initiate. The interesting thing about missing his phone call was that countless times I called, he didn't pick up or return a call. Then I'd miss one call, and he would complain about the phone, or why do we even have phones because we never even answer them, etc. It got to the point where I would say, "Is your phone broken? Because I understand it works both ways." That's the level of impatience and exasperation at the utter stupidity of the complaints reached. I wasn't constantly bringing up the fact that, oh, hey, you decided that your own narcissism was more important than actually taking leadership of your family, you coward, even though I thought it. It was unreal to me that he would complain about anything, given that he hadn't really apologized for the pain that he caused.

Why am I airing this? To tell you that God is not allowing me to push back dealing with this lately. He won't let me procrastinate on dealing with the issue. My anger is eating me alive, and if anything I've realized lately, it's that anger does spread and seep into other things, like work. I have to deal with this somehow. My dad has heard from me before, but he hasn't really listened. I think the most I could ask is that he understand and feel some remorse for what he did and how he has been absent the last 8 years. What I have resisted was being the one to initiate the re-engineering this tattered rope-bridge between us. He hasn't repented. There has been no apology.  He married the adultress this June. I really don't want to do this at all. But God is speaking, and I MUST listen. The Holy Spirit is compelling me to listen and I'm submitted enough to Jesus that I cannot even pull myself away from listening! But I'm praying. After hearing Beth Moore's message tonight, I know that the same hole she was speaking of, referring to unresolved family issues, is eroding my peace and joy.  I can still feel the anger rising in my heart, even unto hatred. But greater to me is obeying God, despite the basically on-demand tears I feel come on as I even reflect on this chapter that has damaged my life since my dad left when I was 17. All I can ask is that if you happen to read this, to pray with me. Of the great heart chores that I need to, this is the most painful and difficult of them all. I would ask that if you have encouragement to offer, to avoid platitudes because they make a legalism out of a true healing that needs to cover sincere, painful, and raw suffering.

More Weeping, But Then, A Breakthrough...

My previous posts have been filled with great, honest strife. Many times, I was sad, sometimes, I was unrepentant, other times, I was angry, and all of the time I was so depressed. Some posts were born out of my frustration with my own procrastination (and often, were a by-product of it) and others were me rambling, hoping that out of the public journaling (which to me, is journaling either way), I would discover some lingering insight into my troubles. It has happened before, so I thought why not give it a shot.

However, God always surprises me, and rather than teaching me the same way, often does something new. This time, while unremarkable to most, I did, finally, have a breakthrough last night, though I still felt depression rise with me in the morning.

Last night, the pressures overwhelmed me. I had procrastinated on certain things again, but this time, the true nature of that pressure wasn't as crushing as what I had experienced this last spring. The emotions had been, though. God had really prepared my heart by both the sermon my pastor preached yesterday morning (and also, something about the worship on Sunday was very profound and necessary to me) and a message I heard the night before on end times that was simply pertinent to the need to repent presently as Christians. Rather than downcast, as some might perceive a message to be, I found it very hopeful and encouraging toward repentance. It's amazing how people sharing through the power of the Holy Spirit and grounded in God's Word (really, how can the two be separated) can encourage someone feeling so discouraged. My emotions ebbed after a while, as will happen when sermons close, but I needed to really pursue these feelings this time. I really needed to share with God that I needed a breakthrough and that He was the only One who could do it.

I began crying in the shower, then I journaled, but I needed to cry loudly. I didn't want to disturb my mom or sister and I didn't want to be disturbed, so I got in my car and left. I went to the nearby library parking lot, which is where I camp out sometimes to pray intensely in my car. I guess you could say that is my prayer closet. I need extreme privacy when I pray intensely like that. I feel vulnerable because, so often, I don't control my emotions and what I pray to the Lord is so personal, I feel like He is the only One who uniquely understands me. I don't mean to discount the body, but there is so much power in focused time with the Lord alone.

Aside: I want to share this experience in the great hope that it can help some depression sufferers out there who happen to be high-achievers or were once overachievers who have slipped into despair.

I knew that I had a limited time to pray. I really needed to get to bed, but I really needed that breakthrough as well. God and I were both aware that I had responsibilities that I did not need to neglect, and He really honored that, probably because He knew that this time, I was well aware that I would refuse to use Him as yet another way to procrastinate. And really, this time the flood gates opened so much that it was probably the second most exhausting moment of wretched sobbing that I have ever had, second only to when my parents told us that they were divorcing and my dad had just moved out. My lungs were working so hard that I felt like a muscle that had been so strained had finally released. Letting go of the emotions felt so cleansing, but there was so much of it, I really couldn't enjoy the relief. And the reality was that the problems were still there; I merely, but more profoundly, understood them better.

Almost all of the paralyzing depression and demotivation (specifically regarding my profession and that was beginning to seep into my graduate studies) is (and now, was) linked to my own experiences in school and deep, dark wounds and unbelief that I had adopted. In my weeping prayers, I had to confess to the Lord that my inadequacies, weaknesses, and shortcomings had been consuming me as a hidden, sinister monster damaging and defiling everything I was trying to accomplish. I wish I could describe how real the despair was (I'm hoping I never have to use "is" in this aspect of life ever again) - how crushing and heartrending the sense of utter failure and hopelessness was to me last night. While appearing so much an achiever in many ways, the sense of failure and shortcoming had been steadily drowning me like a person wearing down clothing in a cold river. I could not fight it off anymore and the water was bringing me down. I could not breathe for the failure I was feeling myself to be. I could not account for it. I had to confess the feeling. I had to confess how angry I was at myself. I had to confess that I was holding myself to a ridiculously impossible standard that was, in effect, killing my heart. 

What an awful feeling! I'm having a hard time writing about it, as if it would come back with my reflection - that is how awful and evil this thing is. 

Praying to the Lord, I knew that He had heard my prayer, and I had confessed all of the horrible feelings of weakness to Him.  I mean, profound weakness - begging the Lord to teach me the lessons that I missed in childhood and in adolescence because I had seen how others were rearing their children, wondering if I could recover from the gaps. Could I be a better Christian and follower of Christ even though my foundation was such a muddle of Christianity and secular moralistic platitudes? (e.g., "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all" - Where in creation is this in scripture? Define "good". Most will interpret good as positive, and therein lies danger for little minds interpreting sayings that need qualifier). Could I learn to be a disciplined, routine-oriented person when I really wasn't trained in that way? Could I reclaim ground so that when my children were born, my good habits would maybe be caught, rather than me pulling a "do as I say, and not as I do"? Of all of the cliches that I hate, that has to be the worse. I hated the thought that I would continue with a giant gap between who I wanted to be (someone disciplined, motivated, and consistent in doing there work) with who I was (flying by the seat of my pants, always rushing, always last minute, always stressing, always guilty for not focusing on work every minute, always anxious, always scrambling, always miserable and grouchy, always frustrated, and always overwhelmed [see how much more pleasant the first parenthetical would be for me??]). And the failure of not being able to change compounded with the failures of the past and my overwhelming knowledge of my great weaknesses were making me ill, miserable, and worst of all, hopeless.

Praying last night did not make me feel immediately better in the sense that I felt I would fix everything overnight - that couldn't happen because there was so much (and is so much) to do. But the combination of that, singing praise music, praying/crying on the way to work (I'm pathetic, I know, but you know what, I'm okay with that), then confessing to my colleague, a sweet, devout Catholic with such a hear to help and encourage, that I just didn't feel cut out for the job, made me feel infinitely better. I asked her about her experience as a teacher, if it was her lifelong dream (what is my deal with finding this "life long dream?" I just want to know that people have been okay without one), and she told me that she never imagined that she would teach. But that through circumstances, she had become a teacher. And I felt so relieved that someone knew that I had been indecisive and struggled with so many aspects of my job. I felt like I wasn't alone and that even though I didn't have this euphoric love for it, that I could still learn to be great and do a good job. And that really helped me this morning. As the day progressed, I felt better. And into this evening, I felt much more committed to my work in both teaching and graduate school to the extent that I felt better about maintaining a routine. With the confession of failure, weakness, and impossible standards behind me, I finally felt the freedom to work toward a true routine with some flexibility and boundaries. While working out the kinks of knowing my true limits is going to be an uphill journey, I'm convinced that 65% of the worst is behind me. I actually feel inspired to "go and be" without some ridiculous expectation humming in the background noise of my brain. I feel allowed to be bad at something and work toward better, good, and proficient without having to conquer so many emotions tied to possible failure and hatred based on perceived eminent failure because my impossible standards were so high. I really feel like I'm finally on the road to recovering from procrastination. With some good prioritizing skills, I think I will be out of the 25 year hole and mentality.  That is an awesome thought to me. What a miracle - and yet the shift feels small, but so relieving and hope-building that all I can do is praise Jesus because really, God is who has brought this mercy to me at such a critical time. I'm so grateful for my relationship with Jesus that has given me such healing in my life.  Please pray that God protects me and that I devote time to honoring Him. My victory will diminish if I do not cling to the Lord, so please pray that I honor the promptings of the Holy Spirit and commit to making time for and with Him. I am so grateful for this breakthrough, but it is fragile if I take it for granted. I want to continue in this renewed and peace-giving success. I feel like my quest for direction has been eased because I can at least focus on what is here in the present. And that is hope that only the Savior could have given. In the name of He who upholds the universe by the word of His power, Erin

A process and a project...

In reflecting over the summer's ups and downs (or rather, mostly consistent downs) and trying to figure out what I need to do and where I need to go from where I am at, I decided as I sat in the sermon on Sunday that I need to do something about, well, everything. I have to get some clear vision as well as deal with the emotional things that I am in the midst of right now. I need a project. So, I'm going to write here what the aim is, who I aim to serve, and my hopes and ambitions through the whole process.

What am I doing? Well, I'm a young woman with directionless ambitions. What? Yep. It's a quick way to hopelessness wanting to do something but not knowing what to do. My goal - fix the "not knowing what to do" part. Let's face it, as long as I am imperfect (which will be until I die and meet my Perfector face to face and see His pierced hands), I've got plenty to do. Why am I thinking "I don't know what to do"? There's plenty to work on. My goal is to outline, as best I can, to the minutiae (I'll explain why minutiae is important to me), what I need to work on mastering in each area of my life in the most practical, easy-to-digest ways. It won't be all puppies and kitties and rainbows, but I need to know what's going on in my heart and define the vague thoughts and beliefs that govern my actions and attitudes if I want to get better and make changes. I have to do the hard work of examining my heart's motivations (or lack thereof).

Who am I doing it for? First answer, myself. But I am going to post this on my blog in the hope that I can encourage other women in my position (single, mid-twenties, and dealing with their junk). I have no ambitions of trying to "speak into someone's life" because I generally feel too screwed up to do that, but I will post in the hopes that others out there don't feel so alone in trying to figure out a shattered life with fragmented thoughts.

What do I hope to achieve? I hope to find out why I'm so stubborn, why I can't just decide on something and do it, and why I have constant internal battles about doing good things that can only help myself to achieve better for Jesus and consequently my own well-being. We have enough to battle out there besides fighting ourselves about everything. And while Romans 7 indicates that there will be a lifelong battle, some of the things I am fighting are childish things, and I need to put those things behind me and grow up.

How am I going to do it? I am long winded (uh, hello) and I probably won't post all the responses I give to the questions I am going to ask, but the ones that I feel the most profound to me and ground breaking, I will give and share my answers. My brain works through asking questions that require reflection to help get further down into my thought process. While I don't know about Dr. Phil's theology, one thing he says did stick with me - we do continue behaviors because there is a payoff. I need to ween my heart off of the payoff in order to stop the behavior because I have learned (and apparently, haven't learned well enough!!!) that I cannot play this game on the field of habits and behaviors. I need to fight it on the deep personal-philosophy, unbelief vs. belief, heart level of my actions. Therein, I firmly believe, lies victory. So, I will post a list (shortly, I hope) of areas of belief/life that overflow into action. I welcome ANY woman to post an area that they think I have missed (because I am asking these questions to myself), because I am about to examine my life. I think change is afoot.

Second Chances...

It's been a tough six months. From struggling through a new job with nuances I wasn't prepared for, to stupidly taking four graduate classes, to battling serious depression, and then to coping with a father's love that is too shallow to fill such a deep need, I have arrived at a point where I am determined to fight through the emotions and be at peace, by God's mercy and grace. Here's what's going on right now.

I'm in Chicago for my summer visit. I think I've only missed two summers. Our whole family (when it was whole) would come up when my dad would have his June trade show. It's a city with many, many memories, both amazingly good and searingly painful. Last year was the first time I really felt rested on a vacation in many years. I could decide when I wanted to leave and stay, there was no rush, and I was able to feel peaceful and removed from responsibilities - a good feeling for any oldest child. I knew that I would be catching up on some things and doing somethings and enjoying people. Yesterday, I was with my cousin and we walked around Chicago, had a classic American dinner, and just enjoyed laughing and giggling. The weather was nothing short of fantastic, especially considering that I had just come from Atlanta, where you basically have the option of walking or swimming as you go from point A to point B with the amount of humidity there is. Last year, in Chicago, there were some of the most spectacular thunder storms I've seen in the city. This year, I left those in Georgia. I'm currently enjoying the summer breeze through an opened window in a house with no central AC. Summer in Chicago it is. But this post isn't about this so much as what I want to share today.

I have a second chance. Many of you know, but those who don't, I will share. In my foray into overloading an already taxed schedule while feeling down in the dumps, I managed to fail a class. Yes, I did it. I made two As, a B, then an F. While my computing brain can handle a lot of work, the motivational, do it part failed. Summing up my exact actions, I was rebelling outright from the work. I decided that I could not continue taking classes and living academic life the way I have been for the past 25 years. I opted out of classes for the summer so that I could really search my soul (with God's help) for the root of my rebellion. It's been tough because I have had such a hard time spending time with the Lord. Recent events have been so challenging that I don't know even how to pray or even if prayers for really seeing change occur even matter. I have found that part of this difficulty is owing to my strong faith in mankind to do what is self-serving above all else, a faith that I am finding to be stronger than my faith in God to change hardened hearts. This is a painful thing, and perhaps why I myself believe that I can't overcome my own grave shortcomings. It is a path to hopelessness. But, as I was driving to a friend's a week or so ago, I knew that in my heart I could not deny the existence of God nor Jesus's authority in a fallen world. A true loss of hope would be to walk away, which I can't do because what other hope is there in this world? You face the same losses, the same pain, and your option is to accept the help of a God who offers eternal peace and companionship or face those things alone, risking more suffering through a coping addiction or a cold heart that turns people away. If I am to suffer anyway, the option of future hope greatly dwarfs the alternative. Moving forward with this mentality helps ease some of the pain, but you can't feel deeply all the time, so emotions of frustration, sadness, and anger still get to me often. But I am functioning. And I can finally get something done.

So my second chance? Well, I spoke with the dean of my program, a woman who deserves "awesome" as a descriptor. She's down-to-earth, realistic, and understanding. And while I was apprehensive about discussing such a shameful thing as failing a graduate class, I decided that I would despise the shame, humbly explain my situation, and confront the consequence head-on. What could I lose? The God of all the universe already knew every horrific thought, intention, motivation, and deed I had ever been capable of (or ever will be), so fearing wasn't going to impact my salvation, the only thing I really HAVE. I was met with serious compassion, as I explained the challenges of my job along with the emotional downward spiral that started in January. I explained the mounting anxiety of someone in too deep, and how I had done it to myself this time, drowned outright. I asked her about damage control. And I had options! Hopeful, I listened as she told me a possible solution to recover some of the grade. It was not what I produced in the class that got me the grade, and she told me that I really should have received an incomplete. If the professor was open to it, I could complete my missing assignments and the grade could be changed.

Other things have happened since then, but as my July 10 deadline approaches for these assignments, I am reminded that God gives us second chances (and me many more). Not always, but many times He does. I hope that we can all recognize this when we do things wrong and have the chance to set it right for ourselves and others. It's time to make the most of our second chances.

Next steps...

Ever since school ended for the summer, things from the past year have seemed to explode in my face. Thinking that I wanted to work in the same place again next year dramatically changed after a chain-reaction of events made me realize I wouldn't do it again. I've found that honesty and being frank is something dwindling around us; if any mistakes are made, it can't be that it was unfortunate, someone must be at fault and be blamed, even if they are innocent; and, truth has to be sugar-coated, unoffensive, and non-exclusionary. It's been painful for me as I have fought on a very personal level to become more pure and true to the truth (for the Lord, for others, and for myself). One thing that I will say is that we live in an incredibly emotionally unhealthy world. But that's a blog post in and of itself.

What's next? I cannot deny that my optimism about finding a job by the end of June is diminishing swiftly. I only have a semester left to certify as a teacher, but being burned by the past year has left me wondering if I should make the shift to another career all-together. I know that I love children and I want to help them overcome things and grow, but I don't think I can handle the depression that comes with the pressures of the task. Part of me feels like giving up because I simply don't want to scour and wait until late July for a phone call. The other part wants to just finish the certification with traditional student teaching and at least be done with the certificate. But that means more loans and can I really do that? My answer to these convoluted questions is to pray, but after so much strife, I am heartily discouraged.

I think I need to be honest about struggling with comparison. There are people my age who seem to be having ease and comfort in their lives, and I feel that has not been the story for me for the past 3 years, if not more. It's been a constant battle to figure out why so many things have gone wrong, what did I do wrong? What did I choose wrong? Why am I feeling so turbulent inside? My initial thought was that sin is causing the turbulence. Without a doubt, I battle that nature on a minute by minute by minute basis. But I'm not feeling like I am winning. The frustration of that combined with circumstances that I don't know how to handle are causing my head to swell. I begin to wonder what God's purpose is in these challenges and pains. When I figure it out, will I be at least in a position to help those after me? My main concern is that I have a fundamental belief problem, that I am thinking about something (like work, deeds, achievement) in completely wrong, unbiblical terms, and that is why I'm having so much trouble. This is a scary thought to me because these fundamentals are so hard to tackle. And they take a true work of the Holy Spirit to change. I cannot change these beliefs on my own, but I pray that the Lord write truth on my heart and shine light in the darkness. I think my best bet, beyond searching for jobs and continuing my education, is to really know what drives my ambitions and even work, and start from there. It's a daunting task, but I don't feel like I'll ever get better if I don't try to figure out why I do what I do. While the answer of sin does cover it, specifically identifying the lies (or truths) that I'm battling against will help zero in on an attack.

Wilderness, Part Deux...

It's been so long since I could even stop to post. And I will make this one then go back to cleaning this atrocious apartment I've managed to concoct.

I'm jobless, again. I could have signed the full contract at the beginning of the year, but I didn't want to feel pressure, since I always cave. Whether that was wise or not still remains to bug me a bit, but I will tell you how the last few months have been.

As a person who dreads making mistakes, boy-howdy did I walk right into them this academic year. Mistake after mistake after painful mistake. Besides being behind on grading, etc., I botched so much this year.

1) I moved to an apartment that is FARTHER from where I work. My roommate, though I love her, has two cats, and I'm a dog person. The cats are nice, but again, dog person.

2) I took a teaching position that was full-time work disguised as a part-time position. NEVER take a part-time teaching position unless it is 50% only. Not a percentage higher and nothing lower. Plus, this school is super high-pressure. Never have I been so anxious in all my life.

3) I took 4 graduate classes. Who am I? I'm an overachiever who doesn't want to achieve anymore and I do what??? I made two A's, a B (would have been an A if I had submitted my research paper on time), and an F. Yep. Never made an F before and never so badly have I ever wanted a D. I was so stupidly stubborn and did not withdraw from the class at the midpoint because I thought, yeah, I'll catch up. I paid for it dearly.

These are three colossal mistakes because together, they caused me 2-3 panic attacks. I wanted to throw up so many days I cannot even count them. I had heart palpitations, cried for hours, and I was miserable. I couldn't even do the work I needed to do because my anxiety sent my head spinning and I couldn't shut my brain off or focus. For someone who needs a modicum of control, I lost it completely. But then, graduate classes started to end and the pressure cooker began to lose steam and cool off. But my heart has still be reverberating with the memory of the past months. I am once again at the point where I had been last Spring - I have no job, no idea of how to step out next, but I do have hope that this time, God will provide as he did last year, and I only need to work. I don't need to fear.

What I have learned about myself in the past few months is how damaged my estimation of my worth to the Lord and to others is. I've also learned how screwed up I am in terms of my rebellion against certain types of work and how sinful certain aspects of my life have been. I'm going to share those things here:

1) Through hours of prayer and weeping, I confessed to the Lord that I felt like no one really cares how I live, so what's the point? I told Him that I didn't want to disobey Him outright, but that maintaining how I live and how I function didn't really matter to me because I didn't see myself making a difference to anyone or for anyone, especially Him, in bringing the Gospel to people and being an example of Christ. I confessed that I felt He had "let me in" because that's what He does, but that He could take me or leave me, it didn't matter because I didn't make a difference. And I wept because such a deep, deep pain of insignificance and downtroddenness lies at the bottom of my heart. And I knew that these were all lies brought to life by pains of the past and a perception of the present, but I knew and I told myself and allowed the Lord to remind me that He loves me, and that all the impact that others may make (or that I perceive them to make) is all credit due to Him, not to their own efforts and endeavors. He is the sole deserver and author of glory, and that He loves me, singularly for me, not what I can do for Him or what difference I even make for Him, but that I am called for Him, whatever else I am. After such a time of prayer, I felt great relief in having simply expressed my feelings and articulating them, for after that, I felt like they truly dissipated. What remains now is to curb the habits long practiced in this attitude and being reminded of why I do what I do.

2) Academics is only romantic idea for me, not fully-satisfying or motivating. What do I mean by this? For so long, I found my identity in being smart and learning new things. It was my solitude and comfort when there was so much rejection. It could be something for me to finally be good at, since I was so socially handicapped (or so I believed). I was motivated by it until I think I began to resent it. I think I knew somewhere in my heart that I was more than a grade. I knew I was more than something I could simply produce. I became tired of working for favor. I so badly wanted the approval of my authorities (and I still do, at times) because I found acceptance no where else from people. Not even in church as a teenager, and while my parents' friends complimented me and them on my behalf, what I wanted was more: friendship and camaraderie and safety from loneliness. What matters, though, was that I began to resent it. It almost became personified to a point where I was out and out rebelling against doing what needed to be done because of a deep hatred I felt. When I say hatred, I mean seething anger that I could not even fathom how to resolve. But I didn't want to fail, so my hatred was coupled with misery and anxiety because part of me still felt the pressure. So mixed up, I knew that I would need to take time this summer to search out my heart and heal the damage of my rebellious heart. Never did I consider myself rebellious, but I knew that I was in my heart as my resentment gained steam and gave rise to hatred and anger. My relief was that I could finally own it and believe that there would be a way out, come hell or high water.

3) I cannot shy away from the desires of my heart. I have to trust that the Lord will get His will either way, but I am dragging my feet waiting for Him to say something. While this isn't bad at all for most people, and most people should wait, I feel like my problem is the opposite. I won't budge unless I have some "assurance". I reduce the amount of risk this way, but somehow, I feel like I am reducing the amount of potential along with it. As long as I am obedient, I feel that God will move me where He desires and that's what I want ultimately. So much I have tried to do in my own strength, I think, holding back what my desires, when really, I should have approached God with them, working toward them, but surrendering as I was going along. I would have at least not felt like I was denying them, even though I couldn't tell you what one of them was. Being more honest with the Lord reveals the most sinful part of our natures, but I think what's worse is when we deny how sinful we are by saying "I shouldn't feel that way so I'm not even going to admit that I do or did." I think we might be shocked at our own lack of remorse for these feelings, and for a seasoned Christian, I think that is a frightening thing to realize. But how else will we know to pray for repentance? We are sick people, and if we don't admit it, we don't even begin to seek help. I have realized that I've not been asking myself the right questions. But the right questions bely scary answers, and I must face them.

4) Why am I so motivated by "the best"? Why do I want to be the best? This is the HARDEST question for me to answer. Why? What is the motivation? These are questions I'm still grappling with and wondering where on earth and at what time this idea was established. Excellence is excellent, but why am I so discontent? Why this dissatisfaction? While I agree with John Piper that we must have a holy dissatisfaction, mine is not motivated by the Lord and has caused me more grief than I can express. It has been, perhaps, the greatest stronghold of my life, permeating everything that I do. While it has yielded good results, the dark side has been the "not good enough" or "someone does it better" elements to it. So, I have been praying through this as the greatest hindrance to my emotional and spiritual health. I'm convinced if I can move past this difficulty, I will be more productive than I have been in my whole life. I'm encouraged to see it through.

What I have learned over the past year and, particularly, this semester, is how to be okay with myself and really know me. The damage that sin has done has begun to very visibly seep into other parts of my life and I cannot ignore the once dim knowledge of the lies that I have believed as well as perpetuated as well as the wrong that I have done to the Lord, others, and myself through not dealing with what has been aching to be dealt with. While it has been far from an easy or straightforward process, never have I depended more on the Lord for His wisdom, prompting, and guidance. And I think, that's the point.

If I could convince you, young women...

The older I get, the more and more I realize that it is everything I can do to convince people of certain goods they consider evil. I want to write this post in the hopes that it will reinforce for myself what I have been feeling lately and, perhaps, that it might open the eyes of young ladies in their teens and college years to certain truths about singleness.

Why do I want to write on this topic? Because I feel that there is so extremely little support for single Christian women out there beyond the age of, well, 14 really. I assume that many girls and women are in the same sinking ship that I am in - we "wait" for "that guy" to show up. A vast many of us (a frightening number) settle for beyond less than what God would have chosen for us, had we been patient. This concerns me very much because I'm seeing more and more young girls and women casting their pearls before swine.

Now, leave what I think about the "swine" aside. That is NOT NEARLY as important as WHY this is happening! I mean, we could discuss the "daddy" issues and the need for "validation" and any other episode of Dr. Phil you learned something psychobabbblish- possibly attributing many things to your situation that may not apply (while certainly, these things play a part for some and many), but would we be hitting the wonderful practicality of being single? The benefits of singleness need not be sinful in the least. I believe so few young women are taking precious advantage of singleness and are rather, rushing into less than fulfilling, God-honoring, thought-out relationships. If I may be frank and honest (and please, I will), I think girls become dumber by diving into these relationships head-first. To my eyes, they appear stupid for settling when they could actually be doing themselves a favor by remaining single, patiently waiting for God's best. So, the question is: What favor does a young woman do for herself if she remains single rather than jumping into a rushed relationship?

1) She can grow in wisdom. Now, this may or not be true, but I find that when a girl denies that emotionally-charged part of herself that yearns for male attention by turning down a semi-attractive (or even attractive) dude because she knows she has good reasons for being hesitant about wanting anything from him (be him a winner or a loser), I find that she has grown some sort of wisdom in that small act. I feel like a woman should be wise to her worth in Christ - that she will be considered a crown on the head of her husband, and if she feels hesitant about his character, it's best to err on the side of singleness than allow her emotions to rule her behavior.

2) She can grow intellectually. The influence of culture on the Christian mind is unmistakable. I cannot tell you how little some girls pay attention to ANYONE or ANYTHING that isn't on the other end of a glowing electronic. No one seems to be keeping constant texting in check, considering that it is a huge source of gossip, cyber-bullying, and idle chatter. I'm finding that I agree more and more with the puritans that idleness is the devil's playground. If that girl has enough time to talk about mindless gossip or celebrity worship, she does not have enough mental gymnastics to do. It seems that teenage girls, especially, are very idle, and I'm convinced that this is making them dumb and numb. Honestly, teen girls are not the greatest source of depth for a girl to tap (though it is possible, I know), so perhaps having our phone to our ear or that constant, incessant conversation is not the best mental exercise for the time.

3) She can grow emotionally. This is a HUGE one for those who struggle with "daddy", validation, and even abuse issues. I understand that it is much easier to seek out a man to satiate a damaged part of ourselves than to fix the damaged part. It's easier to medicate pain than to determine the source, endure, and endeavor to find the cure. So, we do what's easy because we are sinful (what sin you ask? Laziness, of course. It is the "do what's easy" sin). Now, some are aware that they are not helping themselves by simply jumping from guy to guy and that they are their own worst enemy, but some are not. This is why, no matter how healthy a girl thinks she is or how well she seems to feel, I think it's always best to patiently enter a relationship, erring on the side of sanctified singleness until she is ABSOLUTELY sure that GOD's WILL is the one that matters to her, not her own. BEWARE of self-confirmation - the heart is deceptive, as Jeremiah prophesied, and never trust your own understanding - that's foolishness. Double-check, triple-check, check check check your heart before you move. What's the harm in being sure and safe? It's much cheaper than the cost of emotional pain, even though it's twice the work.

4) She can grow her relationship with Jesus. I cannot tell you how many countless women I have observed wish that they had taken better advantage of their singleness to grow in relationship with the Savior. There is so much more time to love and serve the Lord. It can be such a sweet time to really grow and know His character. Aside from feeling whole and healed, dependent only on the God of the universe for all of our needs, you might find that it is actually better than spending time with anyone else. Never discount that the Lord will ALWAYS be THE PROVIDER, THE PROTECTOR, THE EVERYTHING. I have found that this one thing alone is worth never having a boyfriend for the years that I have been single (and yep, count them, that's 25 years!). Even when I feel the pang of loneliness that seeps in every once in a while, Jesus is so worth that pang - the God we serve is awesome, and I wish more women would take advantage of their single time to know that. It has been the great pleasure of my life to spend time in prayer, in God's word, listening to sermons, and gleaning from older women during my high school, college and post-college years. While I anticipate marriage and hope for that gift, I ask the Lord prevent it from becoming my obsession because I want my mind freed up to focus on what will be its eternal focus, glorifying God by the power and blood of Jesus Christ. If my mental capacity and emotional energy were spent in constant obsession over having a relationship, there's so much grace, mercy, and gifting that I would miss out on - and those things come in so many forms!

5) She can grow independently. Now, I am going to end this post with something highly practical. By independently, I mean that a woman can grow to learn how to care for herself and learn what independent Christianity can me for her. I feel that, as much as we rebel against submitting to a man, many women conform and settle to and for a man. I think that this can be dangerous because the inclination for some women to allow a man to lead might mean that they under-develop a knowledge of how to financially provide for themselves and don't develop a practicality of how to sustain energy for both work outside the home and maintaining the living space (I, by no means, support women working outside the home when they have children at home or even when they are married, being that I firmly abide by what it says in Timothy [there are, of course, exceptions] - simply being that, man, housework is A LOT of work, women have an eye for it [we don't really feel like a "day off" is lounging - it's for getting work at the house done], and some men now expect a woman to work at an office then work again at home - um, how about "no" since the house chores are ENOUGH in themselves). While I don't want to suggest that one should plan for a marriage to end whether by divorce or death, a women needs to grow skills that she could employ to support herself if need be. Ask any single mom - she never thought she'd be a single mom, and many older women would tell you (as many know the nature of men, no matter the most loving husband), it can't be a bad idea to maintain a set of professional skills that might come in handy later - even if later is when the kids are grown and she wants to work outside the home for extra income and housework is shared and well-managed. I just think that living on your own with your own rules is such joy and pleasure, too, that it shouldn't be missed out on! Not that people who marry or are in a relationship when they hadn't really lived independently can't grow, but the experience is worth the patience it takes to live without a romantic relationship. I have enjoyed so much having time to myself, pursuing what interests me, and glorifying God in the process that I know it will be an adjustment to sacrifice what I have come to enjoy and cherish so much.

All this to say, if I could convince young women that singleness is wonderful, I would do it in a heart beat. But part of the joy is finding that all out for yourself. Thanks be to our merciful and glorious God who makes all things new and is faithful to complete the work that He has started in us.