Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A Coming Change...

My heart is very burdened. Let me tell you why.

Without getting into too many specifics, I'm feeling very drawn to the mission field. In my heart, I cannot deny what I am feeling to finally be a calling on my life - to share the Gospel of Jesus with others outside my home in the U.S.A. I'm finding that the way that I live out my Christianity here at home, in what I consider to be the greatest country to live in, is less committed, less intense, and more selfish than ever before. I feel as though I am called to remove myself from the environment in which I live and serve in a capacity outside my capability.

While I have felt these inklings for a long time without a specific calling, I have known that the timing has not been right - things were not lined up properly. They are hardly lined up as we speak, but I am praying through my sinfulness to make headway toward the mission field away from my home.  I feel that I have failed in so many ways to share my faith in Jesus here, but I am praying that I find confidence in the Lord and lose confidence in my ability to fail. I am praying that I prefer Jesus as my master to sin as my master.  God knows that what I need most is discipline - which happens to be my greatest weakness. So I am praying and reflecting.

Just to be clear, we are not talking preaching - I believe what the Bible says about women in that capacity, and I am happy to abide by it. But I do feel something needs to be done - >>I<< need to do something by God's power in me. As I navigate these waters, please co-labor with me in prayer over the following:

1. I wish to complete my graduate program, which could take 2-3 years. Please pray I am able to focus and do this quickly.

2. Pivotal to being "free" for mission work is getting out of debt. Currently, my debt is, well, ridiculous. I'm sorry, that was supposed to be RIDICULOUS. 

3. Please pray for my relationship with Jesus and consistency. My discipline is lacking, my rate of indulgence is high, and I cannot serve two masters, though I know I'm trying to. Please pray that I kill addictive sin in my life.

4. While I am feeling pulled, I don't know where, though I wonder if it's an unreached group of people. There are hubs and places that I can go, but I am praying that God clearly confirm and reveal to me His plan. If I am not interpreting this pull properly, I pray that He correct me and lead me to where He desires me to be.

5. My greatest challenge and worst sin is lack of discipline. Even now, I know that it's a nature to me - which is scary because I feel as though it's built into me, a dangerous way to think about it because you know automatically, or think you do, that it is near impossible to conquer. I ABSOLUTELY need to pray through this and conquer this sin. It is mastering me right now and I don't know how best to fight back.

To those who read regularly, thank you for your time and patience. For many years, I was convinced few people cared for or about me, and God has shown (and it's oddly humbling) that I am gloriously wrong. If you have prayer requests, please let me know. This is a two way street and reciprocating brings me such joy. I will write an update the sooner I am more clear. In Christ, Erin