Dichotomy of Desire...

It's remarkable what time does and how you learn. I've been contemplating a few things that seem to have required three year time to boil down - it really is like a pot of something being boiled down to its most basic mush so that you can really know what it looks like broken down.

Things I'm understanding:

1. I live life continually thinking that I need to be a better version of myself and that I want to grow. I've known this, but what I haven't realized is that there are not very many people who hold this view for themselves. I'm seeing that one of my deepest desires is, simply, to change.

2. I am absolutely lost as to what I want to accomplish in life. I'm almost afraid to decide, to commit, to execute. I don't know why. I was driving and praying yesterday, trying to understand. It could be a fear of failure, it could be a fear of success. I fear that I'd try something, spend time on it, and not like it. I really grieve over this.

I think there are so many in this sinking ship that I'm in. One hears so many stories of people struggling with what they should do with their life. God's extra grace in mine is that I have been motivated to work without being absolutely in love what I do. But I'm feeling my motivation dwindle and wan with depression. This is the strongest I have ever felt so lost and hopeless about where to go and what to do. And what demons lurk within me. And I wonder if I am being completely honest with myself, even after all of the soul searching. I feel like the pleasure for some things has been diminished. But why??? In movies, they sometimes talk about a person's spirit being broken, and the symptoms seem to include a feeling of defeat, hopelessness, and grief. I wonder if I'm sensitive to being discouraged by others. And this would make complete sense given my personality.

Mired in self-doubt, I constantly wonder if I am "doing the right thing," "making the right decision," and "going where I need to go." I cannot say how much my hopefulness has been crushed by naysayers, which is highly understandable. As an observer of people, I know that many pursuits are frivolous and people do stupid things and don't know what they are getting into. But not everyone is like that when they take a risk, especially if the risk is calculated. Perhaps what I ought to do is write how I really, really, really feel without my Christian filter on. As a believer, I know what the "good thoughts" are and the "bad thoughts" and the "I shouldn't think that..." but I wonder if I try to hold myself back with my flesh I'm really not fixing the emotions at all. The question is, how does one impede the emotions? Of course it requires change, but I'm afraid that, well, that I won't. And that's what I want the most, right? Or is that just what I have convinced myself?