Next steps...

Ever since school ended for the summer, things from the past year have seemed to explode in my face. Thinking that I wanted to work in the same place again next year dramatically changed after a chain-reaction of events made me realize I wouldn't do it again. I've found that honesty and being frank is something dwindling around us; if any mistakes are made, it can't be that it was unfortunate, someone must be at fault and be blamed, even if they are innocent; and, truth has to be sugar-coated, unoffensive, and non-exclusionary. It's been painful for me as I have fought on a very personal level to become more pure and true to the truth (for the Lord, for others, and for myself). One thing that I will say is that we live in an incredibly emotionally unhealthy world. But that's a blog post in and of itself.

What's next? I cannot deny that my optimism about finding a job by the end of June is diminishing swiftly. I only have a semester left to certify as a teacher, but being burned by the past year has left me wondering if I should make the shift to another career all-together. I know that I love children and I want to help them overcome things and grow, but I don't think I can handle the depression that comes with the pressures of the task. Part of me feels like giving up because I simply don't want to scour and wait until late July for a phone call. The other part wants to just finish the certification with traditional student teaching and at least be done with the certificate. But that means more loans and can I really do that? My answer to these convoluted questions is to pray, but after so much strife, I am heartily discouraged.

I think I need to be honest about struggling with comparison. There are people my age who seem to be having ease and comfort in their lives, and I feel that has not been the story for me for the past 3 years, if not more. It's been a constant battle to figure out why so many things have gone wrong, what did I do wrong? What did I choose wrong? Why am I feeling so turbulent inside? My initial thought was that sin is causing the turbulence. Without a doubt, I battle that nature on a minute by minute by minute basis. But I'm not feeling like I am winning. The frustration of that combined with circumstances that I don't know how to handle are causing my head to swell. I begin to wonder what God's purpose is in these challenges and pains. When I figure it out, will I be at least in a position to help those after me? My main concern is that I have a fundamental belief problem, that I am thinking about something (like work, deeds, achievement) in completely wrong, unbiblical terms, and that is why I'm having so much trouble. This is a scary thought to me because these fundamentals are so hard to tackle. And they take a true work of the Holy Spirit to change. I cannot change these beliefs on my own, but I pray that the Lord write truth on my heart and shine light in the darkness. I think my best bet, beyond searching for jobs and continuing my education, is to really know what drives my ambitions and even work, and start from there. It's a daunting task, but I don't feel like I'll ever get better if I don't try to figure out why I do what I do. While the answer of sin does cover it, specifically identifying the lies (or truths) that I'm battling against will help zero in on an attack.