A process and a project...

In reflecting over the summer's ups and downs (or rather, mostly consistent downs) and trying to figure out what I need to do and where I need to go from where I am at, I decided as I sat in the sermon on Sunday that I need to do something about, well, everything. I have to get some clear vision as well as deal with the emotional things that I am in the midst of right now. I need a project. So, I'm going to write here what the aim is, who I aim to serve, and my hopes and ambitions through the whole process.

What am I doing? Well, I'm a young woman with directionless ambitions. What? Yep. It's a quick way to hopelessness wanting to do something but not knowing what to do. My goal - fix the "not knowing what to do" part. Let's face it, as long as I am imperfect (which will be until I die and meet my Perfector face to face and see His pierced hands), I've got plenty to do. Why am I thinking "I don't know what to do"? There's plenty to work on. My goal is to outline, as best I can, to the minutiae (I'll explain why minutiae is important to me), what I need to work on mastering in each area of my life in the most practical, easy-to-digest ways. It won't be all puppies and kitties and rainbows, but I need to know what's going on in my heart and define the vague thoughts and beliefs that govern my actions and attitudes if I want to get better and make changes. I have to do the hard work of examining my heart's motivations (or lack thereof).

Who am I doing it for? First answer, myself. But I am going to post this on my blog in the hope that I can encourage other women in my position (single, mid-twenties, and dealing with their junk). I have no ambitions of trying to "speak into someone's life" because I generally feel too screwed up to do that, but I will post in the hopes that others out there don't feel so alone in trying to figure out a shattered life with fragmented thoughts.

What do I hope to achieve? I hope to find out why I'm so stubborn, why I can't just decide on something and do it, and why I have constant internal battles about doing good things that can only help myself to achieve better for Jesus and consequently my own well-being. We have enough to battle out there besides fighting ourselves about everything. And while Romans 7 indicates that there will be a lifelong battle, some of the things I am fighting are childish things, and I need to put those things behind me and grow up.

How am I going to do it? I am long winded (uh, hello) and I probably won't post all the responses I give to the questions I am going to ask, but the ones that I feel the most profound to me and ground breaking, I will give and share my answers. My brain works through asking questions that require reflection to help get further down into my thought process. While I don't know about Dr. Phil's theology, one thing he says did stick with me - we do continue behaviors because there is a payoff. I need to ween my heart off of the payoff in order to stop the behavior because I have learned (and apparently, haven't learned well enough!!!) that I cannot play this game on the field of habits and behaviors. I need to fight it on the deep personal-philosophy, unbelief vs. belief, heart level of my actions. Therein, I firmly believe, lies victory. So, I will post a list (shortly, I hope) of areas of belief/life that overflow into action. I welcome ANY woman to post an area that they think I have missed (because I am asking these questions to myself), because I am about to examine my life. I think change is afoot.