Sunday, May 22, 2011

Next steps...

Ever since school ended for the summer, things from the past year have seemed to explode in my face. Thinking that I wanted to work in the same place again next year dramatically changed after a chain-reaction of events made me realize I wouldn't do it again. I've found that honesty and being frank is something dwindling around us; if any mistakes are made, it can't be that it was unfortunate, someone must be at fault and be blamed, even if they are innocent; and, truth has to be sugar-coated, unoffensive, and non-exclusionary. It's been painful for me as I have fought on a very personal level to become more pure and true to the truth (for the Lord, for others, and for myself). One thing that I will say is that we live in an incredibly emotionally unhealthy world. But that's a blog post in and of itself.

What's next? I cannot deny that my optimism about finding a job by the end of June is diminishing swiftly. I only have a semester left to certify as a teacher, but being burned by the past year has left me wondering if I should make the shift to another career all-together. I know that I love children and I want to help them overcome things and grow, but I don't think I can handle the depression that comes with the pressures of the task. Part of me feels like giving up because I simply don't want to scour and wait until late July for a phone call. The other part wants to just finish the certification with traditional student teaching and at least be done with the certificate. But that means more loans and can I really do that? My answer to these convoluted questions is to pray, but after so much strife, I am heartily discouraged.

I think I need to be honest about struggling with comparison. There are people my age who seem to be having ease and comfort in their lives, and I feel that has not been the story for me for the past 3 years, if not more. It's been a constant battle to figure out why so many things have gone wrong, what did I do wrong? What did I choose wrong? Why am I feeling so turbulent inside? My initial thought was that sin is causing the turbulence. Without a doubt, I battle that nature on a minute by minute by minute basis. But I'm not feeling like I am winning. The frustration of that combined with circumstances that I don't know how to handle are causing my head to swell. I begin to wonder what God's purpose is in these challenges and pains. When I figure it out, will I be at least in a position to help those after me? My main concern is that I have a fundamental belief problem, that I am thinking about something (like work, deeds, achievement) in completely wrong, unbiblical terms, and that is why I'm having so much trouble. This is a scary thought to me because these fundamentals are so hard to tackle. And they take a true work of the Holy Spirit to change. I cannot change these beliefs on my own, but I pray that the Lord write truth on my heart and shine light in the darkness. I think my best bet, beyond searching for jobs and continuing my education, is to really know what drives my ambitions and even work, and start from there. It's a daunting task, but I don't feel like I'll ever get better if I don't try to figure out why I do what I do. While the answer of sin does cover it, specifically identifying the lies (or truths) that I'm battling against will help zero in on an attack.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Wilderness, Part Deux...

It's been so long since I could even stop to post. And I will make this one then go back to cleaning this atrocious apartment I've managed to concoct.

I'm jobless, again. I could have signed the full contract at the beginning of the year, but I didn't want to feel pressure, since I always cave. Whether that was wise or not still remains to bug me a bit, but I will tell you how the last few months have been.

As a person who dreads making mistakes, boy-howdy did I walk right into them this academic year. Mistake after mistake after painful mistake. Besides being behind on grading, etc., I botched so much this year.

1) I moved to an apartment that is FARTHER from where I work. My roommate, though I love her, has two cats, and I'm a dog person. The cats are nice, but again, dog person.

2) I took a teaching position that was full-time work disguised as a part-time position. NEVER take a part-time teaching position unless it is 50% only. Not a percentage higher and nothing lower. Plus, this school is super high-pressure. Never have I been so anxious in all my life.

3) I took 4 graduate classes. Who am I? I'm an overachiever who doesn't want to achieve anymore and I do what??? I made two A's, a B (would have been an A if I had submitted my research paper on time), and an F. Yep. Never made an F before and never so badly have I ever wanted a D. I was so stupidly stubborn and did not withdraw from the class at the midpoint because I thought, yeah, I'll catch up. I paid for it dearly.

These are three colossal mistakes because together, they caused me 2-3 panic attacks. I wanted to throw up so many days I cannot even count them. I had heart palpitations, cried for hours, and I was miserable. I couldn't even do the work I needed to do because my anxiety sent my head spinning and I couldn't shut my brain off or focus. For someone who needs a modicum of control, I lost it completely. But then, graduate classes started to end and the pressure cooker began to lose steam and cool off. But my heart has still be reverberating with the memory of the past months. I am once again at the point where I had been last Spring - I have no job, no idea of how to step out next, but I do have hope that this time, God will provide as he did last year, and I only need to work. I don't need to fear.

What I have learned about myself in the past few months is how damaged my estimation of my worth to the Lord and to others is. I've also learned how screwed up I am in terms of my rebellion against certain types of work and how sinful certain aspects of my life have been. I'm going to share those things here:

1) Through hours of prayer and weeping, I confessed to the Lord that I felt like no one really cares how I live, so what's the point? I told Him that I didn't want to disobey Him outright, but that maintaining how I live and how I function didn't really matter to me because I didn't see myself making a difference to anyone or for anyone, especially Him, in bringing the Gospel to people and being an example of Christ. I confessed that I felt He had "let me in" because that's what He does, but that He could take me or leave me, it didn't matter because I didn't make a difference. And I wept because such a deep, deep pain of insignificance and downtroddenness lies at the bottom of my heart. And I knew that these were all lies brought to life by pains of the past and a perception of the present, but I knew and I told myself and allowed the Lord to remind me that He loves me, and that all the impact that others may make (or that I perceive them to make) is all credit due to Him, not to their own efforts and endeavors. He is the sole deserver and author of glory, and that He loves me, singularly for me, not what I can do for Him or what difference I even make for Him, but that I am called for Him, whatever else I am. After such a time of prayer, I felt great relief in having simply expressed my feelings and articulating them, for after that, I felt like they truly dissipated. What remains now is to curb the habits long practiced in this attitude and being reminded of why I do what I do.

2) Academics is only romantic idea for me, not fully-satisfying or motivating. What do I mean by this? For so long, I found my identity in being smart and learning new things. It was my solitude and comfort when there was so much rejection. It could be something for me to finally be good at, since I was so socially handicapped (or so I believed). I was motivated by it until I think I began to resent it. I think I knew somewhere in my heart that I was more than a grade. I knew I was more than something I could simply produce. I became tired of working for favor. I so badly wanted the approval of my authorities (and I still do, at times) because I found acceptance no where else from people. Not even in church as a teenager, and while my parents' friends complimented me and them on my behalf, what I wanted was more: friendship and camaraderie and safety from loneliness. What matters, though, was that I began to resent it. It almost became personified to a point where I was out and out rebelling against doing what needed to be done because of a deep hatred I felt. When I say hatred, I mean seething anger that I could not even fathom how to resolve. But I didn't want to fail, so my hatred was coupled with misery and anxiety because part of me still felt the pressure. So mixed up, I knew that I would need to take time this summer to search out my heart and heal the damage of my rebellious heart. Never did I consider myself rebellious, but I knew that I was in my heart as my resentment gained steam and gave rise to hatred and anger. My relief was that I could finally own it and believe that there would be a way out, come hell or high water.

3) I cannot shy away from the desires of my heart. I have to trust that the Lord will get His will either way, but I am dragging my feet waiting for Him to say something. While this isn't bad at all for most people, and most people should wait, I feel like my problem is the opposite. I won't budge unless I have some "assurance". I reduce the amount of risk this way, but somehow, I feel like I am reducing the amount of potential along with it. As long as I am obedient, I feel that God will move me where He desires and that's what I want ultimately. So much I have tried to do in my own strength, I think, holding back what my desires, when really, I should have approached God with them, working toward them, but surrendering as I was going along. I would have at least not felt like I was denying them, even though I couldn't tell you what one of them was. Being more honest with the Lord reveals the most sinful part of our natures, but I think what's worse is when we deny how sinful we are by saying "I shouldn't feel that way so I'm not even going to admit that I do or did." I think we might be shocked at our own lack of remorse for these feelings, and for a seasoned Christian, I think that is a frightening thing to realize. But how else will we know to pray for repentance? We are sick people, and if we don't admit it, we don't even begin to seek help. I have realized that I've not been asking myself the right questions. But the right questions bely scary answers, and I must face them.

4) Why am I so motivated by "the best"? Why do I want to be the best? This is the HARDEST question for me to answer. Why? What is the motivation? These are questions I'm still grappling with and wondering where on earth and at what time this idea was established. Excellence is excellent, but why am I so discontent? Why this dissatisfaction? While I agree with John Piper that we must have a holy dissatisfaction, mine is not motivated by the Lord and has caused me more grief than I can express. It has been, perhaps, the greatest stronghold of my life, permeating everything that I do. While it has yielded good results, the dark side has been the "not good enough" or "someone does it better" elements to it. So, I have been praying through this as the greatest hindrance to my emotional and spiritual health. I'm convinced if I can move past this difficulty, I will be more productive than I have been in my whole life. I'm encouraged to see it through.

What I have learned over the past year and, particularly, this semester, is how to be okay with myself and really know me. The damage that sin has done has begun to very visibly seep into other parts of my life and I cannot ignore the once dim knowledge of the lies that I have believed as well as perpetuated as well as the wrong that I have done to the Lord, others, and myself through not dealing with what has been aching to be dealt with. While it has been far from an easy or straightforward process, never have I depended more on the Lord for His wisdom, prompting, and guidance. And I think, that's the point.