The Time Has Come...

I have been praying for the last few weeks that the Lord begin to change my heart regarding my lack of urgency in sharing the Gospel and living this life for Him in a more intense way than I've ever lived. While my exterior - my speech and opinions, language and education might convey to some in our American Christian culture that I'm mature, the truth is that in my private thoughts and personal ambitions, I'm exactly the image of false piety that plagues American Christendom. I've known it and struggled with it for some time - these are perhaps strong words, but I use the because I love my mattress and value so much stuff.

Materials are not the devil, but I demonstrate a level of idolatry that has bothered me for a long time because it does not comport with purchasing the pearl of great price, living to lose my life that I might gain it, or much of what Jesus taught about wholly pursuing Him. I am, which I hate, like the rich young man who tells Jesus that he does not sin against the last 5 commandments but cannot sell everything and live as a pauper for the sake of the Gospel. I cannot live with these specters of a message that I know was left for me.

While I make the observation that our culture is replete with my brand of Christianity,  I'm not saying that anyone else ought to feel the way I do - I am neglecting a call to ME to really believe and dig deep to give it all up. God is telling me to give up the hoax that remaining in the US, embedded in a live of blissful complacence and "normalcy," will satisfy the deeper dissatisfaction that I have that I'm being called to something that will require more myself than I could ever hope to do in my laughable "own strength." To say that I am scared is an understatement of major proportions. And I'm fighting the urge to ask God why I am burdened in this way when others can be content in their lives. But to dismiss these feelings after they keep coming back - after I keep affirming that I can't deny what Jesus tells us to do and what that means to me would be to sin and live in a state of medicating that incessant rumbling in my brain that I HAVE TO DO MORE. And never have I felt more alone.

So, practically, what will I do and what is the plan? I am burdened for missions. I cannot envision staying in the states if I'm to call myself elect - I have got to go somewhere with less distractions because I'm too tempted  here, in my crippling weakness to really live as God is saying to me I have to live.  If I can master it here, I will stay. But that is so unlikely, that I think I must go.

Right now, today and for the next 2-3 years, I'm praying the following:

-What possessions to sell immediately
-What I will keep to take
-A job for the next 2-3 years that will enable me to pay off my debt
-Completing my graduate education in 2 years
-What country to go to

So, there it is -  a tentative game plan. If God is leading you to pray for me, please pray I don't fail - even now, I'm concerned about how I will financially help my family because I feel a responsibility for that, too. Right now, the heat is on, but the fervor will subside in the next few days. Right now, all these things are pressing in on me, but I'm reminding myself that there are a few years time and first things first (like paying off my debt!). I'm excited and terrified of failure, but if I neglect the urge anymore, I will be disobeying Who I love most in my life, Jesus.