My father decided to quit our 18-year family for a younger, married woman. Being a stickler for doing the right thing, I was shocked and deeply wounded. I still am. It served to reveal to me how selfish people can be - not just in leaving, but expecting us to "role with the punches" of their choices. I was baffled as my father got angry at me for not simply "accepting" this mere "indiscretion". What his behavior revealed to me about some fathers these days is their complete compartmentalization of how their own children feel about their betrayal of a whole family. The world at large looks on at a husband and wife as a sort of business transaction that has no impact on their children. What a hideous lie from the pit of hell. I was told to just "get over it." I was told that it had been so long - the idea that time reduces the pain of an offense is a myth, especially when that person is so close to you in relationships. I was told that I must have been brainwashed by my mom - an offense beyond painful because my mother has only EVER maintained that we sustain a relationship with our father.
But my dad doesn't call. He doesn't email but only once in a while when his own nostalgia moves him to say something. He used to get mad at me that I missed a phone call (when I was actually talking to him), or would be angry that I didn't call him. It didn't seem to be enough that I'm a girl, and the daughter, and he is a man, and the father that he should initiate. The interesting thing about missing his phone call was that countless times I called, he didn't pick up or return a call. Then I'd miss one call, and he would complain about the phone, or why do we even have phones because we never even answer them, etc. It got to the point where I would say, "Is your phone broken? Because I understand it works both ways." That's the level of impatience and exasperation at the utter stupidity of the complaints reached. I wasn't constantly bringing up the fact that, oh, hey, you decided that your own narcissism was more important than actually taking leadership of your family, you coward, even though I thought it. It was unreal to me that he would complain about anything, given that he hadn't really apologized for the pain that he caused.
Why am I airing this? To tell you that God is not allowing me to push back dealing with this lately. He won't let me procrastinate on dealing with the issue. My anger is eating me alive, and if anything I've realized lately, it's that anger does spread and seep into other things, like work. I have to deal with this somehow. My dad has heard from me before, but he hasn't really listened. I think the most I could ask is that he understand and feel some remorse for what he did and how he has been absent the last 8 years. What I have resisted was being the one to initiate the re-engineering this tattered rope-bridge between us. He hasn't repented. There has been no apology. He married the adultress this June. I really don't want to do this at all. But God is speaking, and I MUST listen. The Holy Spirit is compelling me to listen and I'm submitted enough to Jesus that I cannot even pull myself away from listening! But I'm praying. After hearing Beth Moore's message tonight, I know that the same hole she was speaking of, referring to unresolved family issues, is eroding my peace and joy. I can still feel the anger rising in my heart, even unto hatred. But greater to me is obeying God, despite the basically on-demand tears I feel come on as I even reflect on this chapter that has damaged my life since my dad left when I was 17. All I can ask is that if you happen to read this, to pray with me. Of the great heart chores that I need to, this is the most painful and difficult of them all. I would ask that if you have encouragement to offer, to avoid platitudes because they make a legalism out of a true healing that needs to cover sincere, painful, and raw suffering.
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