Sunday, November 6, 2011

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 2

Alright, seems I had an epiphany when I wrote last time because I'm feeling a whole lot better about getting stuff done - but, ever the skeptic, we'll see how long I last.

I think the main thing is that I am actually doing something amazing by finally acknowledging the need for obedience to God in neglected areas of life. Good thoughts and feelings about Jesus don't mask the fact that some of my actions are the bullhorn of rebellion. So, here are the things, both conceptual and practical, that I am overhauling:

Conceptual:
1. Consistency - I've been consistently demotivated and deeply downcast. That's about it.  I haven't consistently packed my lunch for work, I haven't consistently even washed my hair (now, I AM hygienic, just constantly flying by the seat of my pants), I haven't consistently paid bills at the same time each month, I haven't consistently prayed or journaled, or really, read the Bible without hiccups, and if you read the blog, well, we know how THAT's been. So, goal? Consistency, stability, happy ritual (I hate the word routine - I'm a green personality [http://winning-solutions.com/Trainings/True_Colors/truecolor.html], it stresses us out).

2. Thinking and Practice - I'm working on how I overwhelm myself into oblivion and, painstakingly, breaking things down into itty bitty bite-sized pieces and squashing the notion that "I can accomplish everything I want to today." Let's call this killing that "all or nothing" perfectionist attitude. I just want to get SOMETHING DONE.

3. Moderation - I need to practice moderation and patience in all things, but particularly in impulsive things. I most def purchased a Keurig, but I had been contemplating that. When I got to Costco, the price was so right. Impulsive? Nah, the justification rationalizing capacitor in my brain has informed me not so. I'll only be going out when I absolutely must on a set day, rather than inventing reasons to leave the house (yus, I do this) to avoid what needs doin'. Moderation in eating, moderation in internet time, those two go without saying.

Practical:

1. Planning - Everything. I just need to. And it's okay to plan small stuff and get small stuff done if it works toward my main goal. This includes managing school things.

2. Finances - I am in serious debt - not that I cannot manage, but it's going to take a jaunt to fix it. So I need to work on a budget.

3. Weightloss - I just need to figure this crap out once and for all. I gained back weight after losing 30lbs, but lately, I am actually feeling horrible. I don't feel comfortable at all, feel fatigued and dehydrated, so it is time, frens, it is time to beat myself like an athlete does (checkout what the apostle Paul says about the athlete).

4. Home/Personal Maintenance - I am the anti-girl. Not that I am against girls, I just typically don't like girl things like makeup (though I like buying it), fixing my hair, clothes, cleaning constantly (really, I just loathe dishes), and making sure that I do maintenance appointments - nails, waxing, such and such. But I am finding that this is really needed for my job, since teenagers are so judgmental. I get my brows done regularly, but hadn't since the start of the school year - you wouldn't believe how many students, after I got them done last Saturday, said something to me about how good they looked - bruh, they just eyebrows! So this and cleaning are on the list.

So, this week, I report back on my experiment of the essential non-amazings, and hopefully, something amazing will occur. Don't forget to pray.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

How I'm Digging Deep to Overcome A Lack of Motivation: Rambles 1


Background: Lately, I have been not handling basic chores at all, neglecting any sort of cleaning, most extra forms of maintenance (personal – putting on makeup, fixing my hair, picking out jewelry each day; car – oil needs to be changed again, tires rotated), taking care of cash flow issues and reimbursements. I am in desperation to understand my aversion to this because I’m fighting myself tooth and nail and tired of doing so. I’m looking for the switch that I need to flip, but that takes the help of God and introspection, so these are just ramblings, basically.

I hate cleaning and taking the time to clean and run errands. But, why? I was thinking today that I really need to search my heart about why some of these things are so hard for me.

I would say that I “just don’t care” or “Who cares?” Why is this important? No one cares about me and how I live. I don’t matter.

But I don’t think that’s why. I could say that and maybe some of it is true. But I was thinking more on it. I want to give up on trying to figure it out because the effort of having to brainstorm the causes and sift through feelings (like what is truly how I feel versus an idea) is somehow getting more difficult for me.

So I asked the question again. Cleaning makes me angry. It’s a task that never ends. I HATE that. Sometimes I just want things to be over with. Second, I’m under the illusion or delusion that I would be doing something “amazing” with my time, if I didn’t have to do household chores all the time. This need to do “amazing” bugs me to no end. Will I ever be a famous inventor? Will I ever produce a great song? Will I ever write a novel that will enable me to support myself through writing? Will I take a famous photograph or create a mini-movie that will change my life on YouTube? I know this sounds trite and stupid, but it’s what runs through my mind as I feel that I am settling into a task that isn’t “amazing” (I'm the queen of excuses of grandeur from time to time). Why are these things such a big deal to me? Why is creating and being known for that creation such an idol for me? Where did this come from? Really, how do I get over it to start remolding my life?

I hate small tasks that grate on my nerves: mailing paperwork for a rebate, submitting receipts for a reimbursement to insurance, calling people, buying tickets, scheduling people, collecting a check, even grading. Going to the bank is better because at least I get to go out. Then there is writing the budget. I hate it because it serves as a constant reminder of how far I have to go and how unmotivated and just lazy I have been. Haha, who wants to be reminded of that? So, like a mature adult, I avoid it until I absolutely have to do it, and it’s even more of a hideous monster chore than if I had just done it when it passed through my hands. How overwhelmed I feel is my fault and my fault entirely – I’m feeding the beast that makes me feel like I need to constantly run for my life.

And it’s just not working. I cannot avoid pain anymore, and that is what I have been trying to do, I think, as I write and reflect on why I have been avoiding. Changing habits, dealing with shortcomings, doing what I HATE doing and confronting the reality of poor choices all cause me pain. Who does not hate pain? For me, though, having felt very deep emotional pain since a young age, between severe, traumatic rejection by people, including my dad into recent years, has left me “not caring”, which is really just masking the fact that I don’t want to deal with the pain of doing, really, anything in addition to lingering other problems. I know that the myth is that I would use my “basic task” time for creating something amazing – but the truth is that I wouldn’t because I KNOW FOR A FACT that I would get frozen before I started, just paralyzed by all of the options available to me creatively: what medium? Is there a plan? What would the plan be? What feeling do I want to have? What am I going to capture? Why? What’s the point of that? A zillion people have been there done that. What’s the inspiration? Could I do this as a profession? How am I going to glorify Jesus? If I'm out for myself, that's wrong, so why create something if I'm gonna be tempted for my own gain as a primary factor?

At this point, I just want to tell my brain to shut up. I am overwhelming myself. If I do get started on a personal project, well let’s not lie and say that I will finish it. I feel like I’m constantly in the battle to finish things if I get them started. Cleaning is the same way as some other tasks. WHEN WILL IT END? And then I think “never,” and then I don’t bother. Back to square one at that point, where I pathetically try to psych myself up to do something, knowing that in the back of my mind, I’m thinking that I will fail yet again, and that somehow, I have made this horrible, resigned “I won’t finish it anyway” peace with it. As if, in some way, I feel like my personality and my habits are beyond my control. But in just writing this (which was the point), I think it’s because I know that I have no desire to cross the “pain barrier” to either start something or complete something started. So I make peace with failure (failure is something I absolutely hate) in order to avoid the greater evil of dealing with my pain-based frustration of having to do something that I don’t like, that’s not amazing, or that is ridiculously time-consuming (because I don’t wisely choose to go less ambitious for a starter project).

How on earth did I develop this need to do great in an instant? Why have I associated starting slowly with such a yucky feeling? Why do I want to be instantly good at something? Why do I hate ongoing projects so much along with routine? At least knowing I’m avoiding pain is a start. But there is more iceberg under that surface. Maybe perfectionism also plays a role. Probably.

Edit: Re-reading this, I know this is why I'm not keen on posting at 1:50 AM, and two, just so that everyone understands - there are multiple layers at work here - the surface is that I'm struggling just to finish even a chore; the middle is that I'm deceived that my time would be better spent in another pursuit, which I basically don't bother pursuing if I bail on the chore anyway (I feel guilty to boot, besides the option-overload); and on the deepest level, the desire to do something "great" is at conflict with the greater desire to avoid pain and almost certain frustration from having to work through an accumulated chore (now bigger because I avoided it) along with establishing new habits (after having wanted to be "fast" at fixing it, and the chore not getting done in one "session" because it has become so large). To conclude, pray for me.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Confrontation...

A lot has been happening lately. I have struggled through this entire year like no year before. Tonight I started a new bible study that is forcing me to confront something that I don't want to touch with a 10-foot pole: My relationship with my dad.

My father decided to quit our 18-year family for a younger, married woman.  Being a stickler for doing the right thing, I was shocked and deeply wounded. I still am.  It served to reveal to me how selfish people can be - not just in leaving, but expecting us to "role with the punches" of their choices. I was baffled as my father got angry at me for not simply "accepting" this mere "indiscretion".  What his behavior revealed to me about some fathers these days is their complete compartmentalization of how their own children feel about their betrayal of a whole family. The world at large looks on at a husband and wife as a sort of business transaction that has no impact on their children. What a hideous lie from the pit of hell.  I was told to just "get over it." I was told that it had been so long - the idea that time reduces the pain of an offense is a myth, especially when that person is so close to you in relationships. I was told that I must have been brainwashed by my mom - an offense beyond painful because my mother has only EVER maintained that we sustain a relationship with our father.

But my dad doesn't call. He doesn't email but only once in a while when his own nostalgia moves him to say something. He used to get mad at me that I missed a phone call (when I was actually talking to him), or would be angry that I didn't call him. It didn't seem to be enough that I'm a girl, and the daughter, and he is a man, and the father that he should initiate. The interesting thing about missing his phone call was that countless times I called, he didn't pick up or return a call. Then I'd miss one call, and he would complain about the phone, or why do we even have phones because we never even answer them, etc. It got to the point where I would say, "Is your phone broken? Because I understand it works both ways." That's the level of impatience and exasperation at the utter stupidity of the complaints reached. I wasn't constantly bringing up the fact that, oh, hey, you decided that your own narcissism was more important than actually taking leadership of your family, you coward, even though I thought it. It was unreal to me that he would complain about anything, given that he hadn't really apologized for the pain that he caused.

Why am I airing this? To tell you that God is not allowing me to push back dealing with this lately. He won't let me procrastinate on dealing with the issue. My anger is eating me alive, and if anything I've realized lately, it's that anger does spread and seep into other things, like work. I have to deal with this somehow. My dad has heard from me before, but he hasn't really listened. I think the most I could ask is that he understand and feel some remorse for what he did and how he has been absent the last 8 years. What I have resisted was being the one to initiate the re-engineering this tattered rope-bridge between us. He hasn't repented. There has been no apology.  He married the adultress this June. I really don't want to do this at all. But God is speaking, and I MUST listen. The Holy Spirit is compelling me to listen and I'm submitted enough to Jesus that I cannot even pull myself away from listening! But I'm praying. After hearing Beth Moore's message tonight, I know that the same hole she was speaking of, referring to unresolved family issues, is eroding my peace and joy.  I can still feel the anger rising in my heart, even unto hatred. But greater to me is obeying God, despite the basically on-demand tears I feel come on as I even reflect on this chapter that has damaged my life since my dad left when I was 17. All I can ask is that if you happen to read this, to pray with me. Of the great heart chores that I need to, this is the most painful and difficult of them all. I would ask that if you have encouragement to offer, to avoid platitudes because they make a legalism out of a true healing that needs to cover sincere, painful, and raw suffering.