I've been through the wait-n-see job game for 3 years now. This is my fourth time. Did I mention that I resigned? I've never really done that, and I had never failed a class either (accomplished that one last Spring). There is a first for everything. This is the first time, though, that I have made a major decision where I didn't select the cautious, fearful, and miserable option. But there are a few things that I want to share about walking away from the classroom this time and being in a summer of doubt - a summer that I opted for over a guarantee.
I am a worrier. I hate to admit that because I'm low drama when it comes to my interactions with most people. I try to keep drama in relationships down because the drama inside my head is so off the chain. I think I probably come off as relaxed and laid back (well, unless you saw my Facebook status sheet from August to May). But the reality is that I am constantly fretting. It's better than it was - during this school year, anxiety was my living, waking nightmare. I'm learning how to neutralize anxiety, though, by reflecting on what my emotions are. It's not just about the emotions though - the emotions reflect serious heart problems - serious unbelief that I haven't addressed.
It's hard to questions beliefs that are so wired into our thinking. It's hard to pluck them out because then some of our thought wires become faulty and some of the structure that we live under and abide in caves and we feel very scared and lost. We live what we believe - and you can judge by your actions and thoughts if you believe wrong. But belief isn't some abstract thing - it's a root that grows a plant called you. Jesus became the first root and as I become more sanctified, it will become my last root. You can state a belief, sure, but I think to get to the bottom, you have to trace your actions and emotions to the root lie. (It's not easy - I really believe it requires the Holy Spirit - sometimes your thoughts and problems are so fragmented that you are mentally incapable of seeing the common lie that connects them.) Okay, so there is the abstract conversation - let me share where this is going.
When I went through jobless summers, I worried. What I learned about my worrying is that I felt like I had to - a compulsion. If I wasn't worried, something must be wrong with me. I should always be fearful. And that is when it hit me - what is the payoff of being fearful about jobs? God provided a job EACH time. Do you know that I thought He wouldn't if I wasn't worried? If I wasn't cowering in fear, I thought God would find me arrogant and prideful and not provide. I'm learning to re-examine this though - there is a tension there that is difficult to manage. Part of the worrying has to do with being a woman (yeah, let's be real), part of it has to do with an expectation that I was raised with. The fend for yourself mantra I felt was communicated to me growing up is a constant accusatory fiend I've lived with. No one is going to help you or do you any favors. You are a burden. And if they do help you, it's not because there is anything in you worth helping or valuable, someone is condescending to help you, a creature, so you better take whatever tripe they offer you out of thanks because you certainly didn't warrant it.
This Quasimodo complex is definitely where the Jesus pendulum of us being totally sinful and disgusting to God swings WAY out to one end. Do we take the first thing that comes along, no matter how menial or poorly fitting? Or do we wait on God to really lead? What's interesting to me is how I look at jobs differently from the way that I look at dating. I could go out there and get some random dude, but I wouldn't take the first guy if I felt his values didn't match. Why would I settle in other ways based on feeling worthless? Why do I feel so much shame when looking for a career and getting a position? Certainly, there is gratitude when someone gives you an opportunity, but that doesn't mean you allow yourself to be passively-aggressively taken advantage of.
Back to the fear though - I felt like fear was doing work for me. That by fearing, I was doing my job of being humble and showing that God could crush me...God is not passive-aggressive. God does not need me to show His might through me being consumed with anxiety. I'm not saying that I need to go puffing myself up to be so awesome that it's all good, I'm amazing and God knows it so I won't sweat. But I'm pretty wrong in thinking that God will only help me if I am constantly wringing my hands in anxiety about something coming along. I can trust God through fearless humility. God knows my reasons for leaving - I wasn't the best fit - the kids deserved more and better, I was constantly anxious and not feeling called, I wanted to stay in my community where my church is. My heart was breaking, I was weeping, and so I took a risk and left.
Can I say that it has been easy? No. There are circumstances and obligations placed on me that most 26-year-olds do not have. For the sake of some of these, I am asking God to provide sooner than later. But I refuse to be consumed with anxiety. I refuse to let fear rather than God lead me to where I struggle to feel calling. I'm tired of fear perpetuating expectations that I feel are a bondage rather than a freedom to me. I refuse. I think part of my anger issues all along is this constant pressure to be fearful of things that can happen in life - fearful of mistakes, loss, risk. I hope through this process that I learn how to kill fear, thereby killing anxiety. A lot of my immobilizing anxiety has died, which means I've been very productive lately, but some other types still lingers in the background. I believe I will be victorious...because I refuse.
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