Leaving the Internet: A Consideration...

Before you read this post, understand that this is a brewing conviction that I have. Not one I think you should have, not one you ought to have. I will not maim you in the same way I have been maimed for the sake of Christ. And part of this has to do with my desire of preserving myself and preventing my own sin.

I am considering leaving the internet. Absurd? Of course. Plausible and doable? Yes. What do I mean? Leaving Facebook, leaving Google+, leaving Twitter, leaving blogs. Just gone. Why?

Jesus. Well, that's not explicit is it? Tonight I was reading a blog post about why not to read Fifty Shades of Skank. Yep. Did I just judge someone? Probably. Oops. What shocked me the most was not the post. The comments. Unreal. And as I logged into Facebook, I saw someone who just "looooooooves" Jesus post something undeniably problematic with the Gospel. This was not strange for them, but their brand of "take it or leave it" Scripture-ish-based world-lovin' has been driving me nuts. Did I just judge again? Oops. 

How many times have I done this? Do I want to be friends with this person? I just don't want my Christian walk to be marked by gook from the internet - and I'm friends with some Christians who love gook. I love funny things and honest things - and I will tiptoe the line of gook. But I'm thinking, I don't want to tiptoe any more. I want to really, really love Jesus in a remarkable way - and there are things I JUST HAVE TO GIVE UP. I just don't want to be mainstream and turning a blind eye to things. I also don't want to get into glowing screen to glowing screen arguments. Some people who argue do it in a way that really bring facts to light. Most just constantly "judge not lest..." others, which is my most favorite of the improperly interpreted verses by Christians dodging conviction anywhere.

I think, well, that I'm over it. I don't like seeing other Christians represent Christ that way. I don't like seeing my own behavior representing Christ that way. This has come up in conversations where I was preaching to myself about  how behavior slips as we don't watch it. There have been three very clear times where I know I just should have left a location - I didn't sin by doing something, but I did sin by not leaving. And in each of those clear times, I was left wondering, "How did I get here? This is not me or who I EVER wanted to be. How was I dragged into this???" There have been unclear times - and those you have to watch because they eventually lead to clear times. 

I think social media is becoming a clear time to me. I was good before Facebook ever shoved its book in mah face. I had a twitter before most people knew what it was - and I still think it's a "sometimes network" where I have no idea how people have THAT much time to post things. I started the blog because I wanted to share my feelings with anyone who might find themselves a 26-year-old, overweight, single virgin with the mind of a 85-year-old who has a hard time relating to her peers. I wanted those folks to know they aren't crazy. I'm here and I'm not shy and I'll try to make you laugh. But even blogs can be self-serving. I love to write. Venting has helped me articulate my thoughts for my own clarity. And while there might be zero hits or whatever they call it these days, I feel as though I've expressed it to another life form. But I can do that through prayer to a more powerful life form and know it's getting to Him. If it's God's will for me to share, then He will carve a new way or provide a new season. 

I know this post is all over the place, but I think for the sake of me not getting into internet battles over people this and me that, not getting angry about where our culture is, I need to say toodles to the internet for an indefinite amount of time. I don't know that disconnecting from Facebook is realistic (and I'm totally serious when I say this) because so much information is disseminated through it (Bible studies, church stuff, illnesses). Peeps have indicated that they missed messages because they weren't getting emailed or texted - everything was online. I don't want to abandon it completely because I know it's not the medium, it's the people using it. But I need a break (I think). The ComparisonMart that is Facebook is driving me bonkers (me = my problem). So a hiatus is abrewin'.

Maybe it's the late-night nature of the post (emotions have sharp edges at night - sleep softens them, so I read in a medical article about sleep). Maybe it's the heavy dose of fungi and garlic that were in my pasta at Carrabba's tonight. Or the sinisterly (not a word) good sweet tea with lemonade that I had. But maybe it's God telling me, "Enough." I'll be praying about whether this is God or me (it happens - because me sounds so good to me). As usual, I'm excited but doubtful of my consistency. I'm wondering if it's time though. I don't think it would do any harm and I think Jesus may just love it for me.

Wading into the Mire by Choice...

I've been through the wait-n-see job game for 3 years now. This is my fourth time. Did I mention that I resigned? I've never really done that, and I had never failed a class either (accomplished that one last Spring). There is a first for everything. This is the first time, though, that I have made a major decision where I didn't select the cautious, fearful, and miserable option. But there are a few things that I want to share about walking away from the classroom this time and being in a summer of doubt - a summer that I opted for over a guarantee.

I am a worrier. I hate to admit that because I'm low drama when it comes to my interactions with most people. I try to keep drama in relationships down because the drama inside my head is so off the chain. I think I probably come off as relaxed and laid back (well, unless you saw my Facebook status sheet from August to May). But the reality is that I am constantly fretting. It's better than it was - during this school year, anxiety was my living, waking nightmare. I'm learning how to neutralize anxiety, though, by reflecting on what my emotions are. It's not just about the emotions though - the emotions reflect serious heart problems - serious unbelief that I haven't addressed.

It's hard to questions beliefs that are so wired into our thinking. It's hard to pluck them out because then some of our thought wires become faulty and some of the structure that we live under and abide in caves and we feel very scared and lost. We live what we believe - and you can judge by your actions and thoughts if you believe wrong. But belief isn't some abstract thing - it's a root that grows a plant called you. Jesus became the first root and as I become more sanctified, it will become my last root. You can state a belief, sure, but I think to get to the bottom, you have to trace your actions and emotions to the root lie. (It's not easy - I really believe it requires the Holy Spirit - sometimes your thoughts and problems are so fragmented that you are mentally incapable of seeing the common lie that connects them.) Okay, so there is the abstract conversation - let me share where this is going.

When I went through jobless summers, I worried. What I learned about my worrying is that I felt like I had to - a compulsion. If I wasn't worried, something must be wrong with me. I should always be fearful. And that is when it hit me - what is the payoff of being fearful about jobs? God provided a job EACH time. Do you know that I thought He wouldn't if I wasn't worried? If I wasn't cowering in fear, I thought God would find me arrogant and prideful and not provide. I'm learning to re-examine this though - there is a tension there that is difficult to manage. Part of the worrying has to do with being a woman (yeah, let's be real), part of it has to do with an expectation that I was raised with. The fend for yourself mantra I felt was communicated to me growing up is a constant accusatory fiend I've lived with. No one is going to help you or do you any favors. You are a burden. And if they do help you, it's not because there is anything in you worth helping or valuable, someone is condescending to help you, a creature, so you better take whatever tripe they offer you out of thanks because you certainly didn't warrant it.

This Quasimodo complex is definitely where the Jesus pendulum of us being totally sinful and disgusting to God swings WAY out to one end. Do we take the first thing that comes along, no matter how menial or poorly fitting? Or do we wait on God to really lead? What's interesting to me is how I look at jobs differently from the way that I look at dating. I could go out there and get some random dude, but I wouldn't take the first guy if I felt his values didn't match. Why would I settle in other ways based on feeling worthless? Why do I feel so much shame when looking for a career and getting a position? Certainly, there is gratitude when someone gives you an opportunity, but that doesn't mean you allow yourself to be passively-aggressively taken advantage of.

Back to the fear though - I felt like fear was doing work for me. That by fearing, I was doing my job of being humble and showing that God could crush me...God is not passive-aggressive. God does not need me to show His might through me being consumed with anxiety. I'm not saying that I need to go puffing myself up to be so awesome that it's all good, I'm amazing and God knows it so I won't sweat. But I'm pretty wrong in thinking that God will only help me if I am constantly wringing my hands in anxiety about something coming along. I can trust God through fearless humility. God knows my reasons for leaving - I wasn't the best fit - the kids deserved more and better, I was constantly anxious and not feeling called, I wanted to stay in my community where my church is. My heart was breaking, I was weeping, and so I took a risk and left.

Can I say that it has been easy? No. There are circumstances and obligations placed on me that most 26-year-olds do not have. For the sake of some of these, I am asking God to provide sooner than later. But I refuse to be consumed with anxiety. I refuse to let fear rather than God lead me to where I struggle to feel calling. I'm tired of fear perpetuating expectations that I feel are a bondage rather than a freedom to me. I refuse. I think part of my anger issues all along is this constant pressure to be fearful of things that can happen in life - fearful of mistakes, loss, risk. I hope through this process that I learn how to kill fear, thereby killing anxiety. A lot of my immobilizing anxiety has died, which means I've been very productive lately, but some other types still lingers in the background. I believe I will be victorious...because I refuse.