I haven't written in forever, but I do want to be regular. Things have been busy, and I've just finished a summer semester at UGA and one class at West Georgia.
Conclusions: I'm leaving West Georgia forever, and never going back. Reason: Professor wrote in my paper "maybe you're in the wrong profession." Pretty sure that's not how you talk to students. Even I know that.
Regarding UGA: I sat down with my adviser, and while tempted to remain in the program for the two years of full-time schooling it would take to complete the program, my heart is simply not in it.
What is so hard about the coming decision to leave the program and UGA and my masters all together is that I'm not a quitter. But, in asking myself about my level of satisfaction with what I am doing right now, I cannot in good faith, do that to myself. I LOVE tutoring and I enjoy teaching, but I HATE being a government employee. And I just don't think it's my passion. I don't want to dread my work all the time. I want to love it. And not just here and there. So, as I have continued to pray, I have thought long and hard about options. And while I could move, right now, I don't know if that's what God has for me. So, my options? I think I will continue with schooling, only I'll go back for IT professional training. I love computers and technology - anyone who is close to me knows that I am a certified nerd. Unfortunately, that certification isn't enough to be hired. But in thinking about this option, a whole new crop of fears has grown. What if I can't find a job? Can I really just quit something that I have actually taken coursework towards?
Part of the reason for the problem with quitting has more to do with not wanting to admit failure. I know that I don't want to admit that I'm not a good teacher (at least in my eyes). I'm a good friend to those kids; I'm a good sister; I'm a good listener; I'm a great talker; but I'm just overwhelmed by the "broken" that I see needs fixing. I considered counseling - again, more money, more studying. And in praying, that seemed like an option, but moving to where the program is was going to be a problem, and staying here meant a program that most likely involves theology I don't agree with. So, here I am.
It's amazing what the year has been since last August. I was electrified with a new job, new prospects, in over my head, but full in my heart. And I'm back to before where I'd been. Jobless. But God, great in His mercies, has helped me stay less emotionally charged. I've been calmer, quieter, more pensive. I feel like I've mellowed. I still laugh and I'm still boisterous, but much more settled. I find great comfort in the sovereignty of God - that He is on His throne and that nothing is a surprise to Him. I feel safer in His hands.
I'm rarely rash (with the exception of some impulse purchasing from time to time). And so prayer has been a balm this season, though it's been one of the hardest prayer seasons yet. I've asked God the same questions but then other times I've just sat in silence, speaking to Him, "You know, so I've just come here to sit in Your presence." My time in this season has been very hard in different ways from last summer; I've realized my incessant dissatisfaction with life, how it fuels my temper at home so often. I've realized that much of my perpetual sadness is at the lack of perfection in my life - the way things have gone, where I went to school, what happened in my family, being obese. The culmination of so many "things gone wrong" can send any perfectionist from the "I do it all, and it's till not enough" extreme to the "I do nothing at all because I know it's never enough." Really, all I want to do is rid the whole spectrum with the extremes. Sometimes you ride the tension because the extremes are bad. But in this case, all of it, from the balance of the center to the extremes serves nothing for me at all, except the pain of failure. I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to quit while I'm ahead. I'm ready to be honest about not liking something I thought I'd love, and I'm okay with moving on. Teaching wasn't the plan in college, but you think about "what else" you could do, and suddenly, it's only two options or one. I want to go back to the moments where I wasn't drawn to it and I knew it wasn't where I was planning on heading. I want the girl who wanted to travel back. I want the girl who wanted to take pictures and make little films back. I want the computer person back, the one who fiddled with software and hardware all the time. And I think that's where I'm headed. I'd love to be in full-time ministry in the future, but for now, this seems a favorable option. Thanks for your prayers.
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