Against my better judgment, siding with the stubborn judgment, I just had to write this post. I deliberately got the Borders coupon, that was in my email, written down so that I could purchase Beth Moore's new book, So Long, Insecurity. Chief of my weakness as a young woman is this one, which, besides by my wild, internalized emotional life, is evidenced through the physical representation of an overweight body. Who could resist a title like that?
And I began reading it tonight. Late (which is stupid, since I have to get up early tomorrow to start my journey home). But something that was very real to me, which I have known about for going on 6 or 7 years was, again, brought to my attention by the book. Now, so much of it is stating the obvious for me (the beginning part of the book, that is), but none so real as the beginning portion about relationships causing insecurity. God broke me of a compulsive plate-clearing habit that I had due to social anxiety. Every time I would go out with friends to eat, I would rapidly eat, which would neutralize the acid churning in my stomach. This had become so habitual, so subtle, that I did not notice it until it was gone when God healed me of MAJOR anxiety issues (shortness of breath, loss of appetite [what happens when the anxiety is to much and the acid makes me nauseated], heart palpitations, compulsive social eating [I say this because the other eating is still there]) February 15, 2009. But anxiety continues in a different way...I lost a lot of fear then, but not all of it.
When I was reading the book tonight, I prayed beforehand that God would let me feel it. I prayed that He would let it hit me like I needed it. And for whatever reason, I began thinking why so much of my insecurity has to do with male relationships, and why I feel like my feelings in all relationships are illegitimate (if someone hurts my feelings, I won't confront them because I think they will stop being my friend and that I "deserve" (in a way) to have hurt feelings). And I couldn't help but think about my dad. But why? I also feel like, now, brace yourselves, I'm gonna be completely transparent here, why has my sexual desire felt so out of control for so long? This is something that I am silent on, but I need to address it here to convey the very imperative things I'm beginning to realize.
I thought about my dad...and my eyes just opened wide. I'm going to attempt to articulate it with clarity, something I'm not very good at. I thought about my mom and my dad. And I thought about the kind of person my dad was, and something just wasn't right. I kept thinking, something with guys and sexual desire (don't worry, this is not headed where some may think it is) and feeling like my feelings don't matter has to do with my dad. Then it clicked. I ALWAYS knew. I always knew that my dad was just physical. What I mean by that, is that I feel like his interactions with my mom (and consequently us) were of a physical presence, physical affection and that was all he was here for - that's all he could afford us, that's all he could offer. And it occurred to me that I felt used in a way, that he wanted credit just for physically being there, not emotional, not relational, not mental. And, I think when I saw this, I really felt like he did not love my mom. I think he didn't really know how to. But, I think that he didn't. And I think that's why I felt like I was competing for his attention. I recognized (without knowing it as a kid), that I wanted his attention and that it was a competition. Not against anyone, perhaps against his own person. But I felt inferior and undeserving because I lost the competition. And I think I translated that into a monster that I am having to wrestle.
What's the monster? I think it was the way that I coped, that really damaged my relationship with my mom, and damaged me as a person. I think I am unnaturally like my father. I know that growing up, I idolized him (which, I think my mom did, too, a learned trait, maybe). I believe I found him superior to myself - I think he even treated himself that way in relation to my mom, and while identifying with my same sex parent, I think I borrowed that identity from her. At the same time, I wanted to be like my idol. So I think I also borrowed his identity of being superior, so far as to feeling superior to her, the way I think he felt. I never let go of the inferiority (which I think is the reason why I am fearful in friendships - dad-relationships are so powerful, and I think it made me conscientious, more than the rejections I faced in school, of getting hurt and because my feelings didn't matter to him, they didn't matter at all), but I think I began to reject my mom. I've been trying to figure out some of my rebellion towards her, coming up dry. Some of the mother-daughter hurts, though very strong and real, just could not explain something I felt to be ingrained. I think I identified with my dad's personality and took on the trait of "feeling superior" to my mom (and even people like her). He would confide in me the frustrations he had with her, and being so much like him in thought and speech, I would absorb this and conform my behavior to fit this very bad habit. And I did as my idol did.
The profound effect of this was that I did not respect my mom. And I still struggle with this, in truth. It's not that there are not legitimate things that dinged that respect on their own, but the fuel had kept the fire stoked more than what simple forgiveness would quench. But I also felt my dad ignoring me, like I feel he did her. And I think even his coping mechanism for people hurting him is built to seem impenetrable. That I adopted, too, to the point where I did not cry and did not feel allowed to say that I was hurt or want to admit that I was - that would be weakness (and it WAS weakness to pretend to be okay because it was born out of fear). But I was getting hurt and looking stoic all the same. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I exploded. Really, screaming, crying fits of brokenness that just flooded from the suppression of the pain. And my mom did not handle these well - or know how to handle them at all. At that point, I don't even think she was on the healing bend, it was more like all of us were managing our pain, rather than getting better at healing it.
Back to the physical part of this discussion. I think I was competing for my dad's emotions, and he was physical presence. I wanted the warmth (and security) of that attention. I did not get it. He could not give it. And I think I recognized that my mom wasn't getting it either, though I couldn't articulate it at the time, and my mom was probably focused on other things too. I think that's why I shut up emotionally. It was hurting to want that, and not get it. And I wasn't learning what it was or ought to be, I was coping with the absence. And I was becoming the same sort of person. To this day, just being in the physical presence of a friend can fill my bucket some of the way - I'm functional even in the dysfunction. But something still wasn't and isn't right. I can still leave and shut people out of my life, shutting out the pain of the severance and moving on. I choke it out. But doing that has created other problems.
What is the greatest form of intimacy? In earthly terms, sex. Without a doubt. Not only do people understand this, it is also communicated in many ways through the Bible as well as parents who are trying to educate their kids. I think for me, for what ever healthy desire I do have, has been turned into a problem due to dramatic increase that I am more than uncomfortable with. I think it has to do with deprivation of emotional intimacy. I think because I've just become physical, like my dad, physically here, there, present, doing, being, and because I'm underdeveloped in emotional health and relationships, the expression of intimacy for someone who is basically physical is reduced to physical intimacy. As if that's the only way to get to any basic emotions. Though that's an oversimplification, it makes way too much sense to someone like me whose trying to navigate the waters of what the mess is going on in this screwed up brain of mine and why I feel like desires I want to channel into marriage are out of control now. I feel like I can't emotionally connect to people, and that is throwing everything into a shambles. But I'm feeling better already by working this out in my head.
I mentioned male relationships before. I'm telling you, kids know what they cannot know but don't know it until they really know it later. In realizing this tonight, I can tell you that the source of much anger was exposed. Tears just streamed out of my eyes with a few sobs, as I was much more upset, in all this epiphany, in the treatment of my mom, who did love with real emotions. And therein was the source of anger and pain, the injustice of the poor reciprocation of that. The acknowledgement of what was missing, the disparity of love that I witnessed - I feel like my dad used us in a way, and that we were merely in earnest (and innocent) in our desires, whether we were aware of what was missing or not - came barreling to my attention with full-force emotion, and I could feel my heart pounding with the physical response to that reality. And, I think the injustice, while I am not a psychologist, has subconsciously impacted the way I react to male relationships. I view men very often as cold, selfish, and, what a shock, unfeeling, thinking only of themselves and what's in it for them. And while I have evidence that would back up a conscious suspiciousness, like before, it cannot account for what I feel to be embedded and too strong for healthy functioning. For this reason, around guys, I become keenly self-conscious and switch to competition mode (though I rarely act on it, if ever, but the gears are turning, and often, for all the suppression of it, the stifling turns to non-stop talking). At the same time, the feeling that I have of inferiority (that I can NOW identify), low self-worth, and then anger about "being made to feel that way" [though, this is my perception that's making me a victim, not men in general] leaves me with dissatisfaction after interacting. (Poor dudes, they have NO IDEA that all this CRAZY is running through my mind...it's about the only running I do). All this is ascribed to them in the nut-house known as Erin. It's why it's such a terrible distraction - regardless of attraction - for me to interact with single men. But it makes so much sense.
To close this long post, I should state that these are initial thoughts. They are not yet permanent truths or understandings because I don't feel like all of the psychobabble has evaporated off of them yet. But this is how the process normally goes before God says a single sentence in my Spirit, and I am completely FREED of something huge. I usually understand or get my thoughts out in writing, trying to make sense of things (and getting somewhat close), then God in His mercy makes an incredible clearing and understanding of things, and it's as if they are laid to rest.
A final note:
Though I have written about my dad here, I do not feel that he consciously intended to do me or my mom wrong in the early years at all. In fact, I feel no bitterness in writing this, only sadness, and perhaps understanding for why he made the choices he did later, however unjustifiable - that he, himself, has a lot of problems with emotional connection and coping in a healthy way with what he is feeling. Though sin is present and we commit it, though it is wrong for us to believe that we are above anyone else, it cannot and never should be denied that all mankind experiences pain that affects them in profound ways at crucial times, and that this can spell disaster for generations to come through multiplied sinning. My goal here is to understand the "whys" as they relate to my unhealthy existence on God's earth and to kill the sin in my own life with as much speed as my submission to God's will and empowering of the Holy Spirit can muster. I cannot (and will not) blame my parents for any shortcomings that exposed propensities for sinning in my own flesh that I walked into. The exposure of them is not sin, the walking into them is. Please know that I love both of my parents very much. My desire is for insight, acknowledgement, forgiveness and healing. All this brought to you by the power of a Holy God of mercy, truth, and love.
Wow, that was a powerful post. Thank you for sharing that with us.
ReplyDelete