I signed up for Medifast, which is a portion controlled meal replacement program (PCMR program) because of the success rate, the medically-based support, and the ease of use. On the program, which I had started in August of 2010, I lost 30 lbs, which was awesome - I didn't realize how awesome it could be. Things got crazy in the Spring time of 2011, and I made a wonderfully easy excuse for going back to overeating. Since then, I've not even really struggled so much as fumbled around for motivation to make it back to the program.
Enter unemployed me in August of 2012. As I have been working on and off through the summer, purging old papers, donating old items, and basically dealing with some 26-year dysfunctions, I have been avoiding the losing weight, exercising, life-change questions. But finding that I want to explore career options that require me to keep up a healthy appearance, I cannot avoid those questions lately. Being the emotional eater that I am, it's easy to make excuses and not bother still. Add to that me not valuing certain things high on the totem pole, it's been a difficult season to motivate myself - I am keenly aware of how psyching myself out does not work and how, somehow, leads to even greater disappointment when I fail.
But, there is something I'm hyper aware of this season - not having a job lined up can seriously impact my emotions and sense of worth. And lately, I'm not keen on it causing more weight gain. Normally, I would indulge a lot more during this time, compensating for a sense of loss and blues. This time, I decided to work on discipline that I am missing. While joblessness is not great for working on financial discipline, I've outlined that and physical maintenance as two areas where I need a serious overhaul.
After consuming all of the hoarders episodes at my disposal - both the TLC and A&E versions, I was looking for more reality and watched HEAVY (a one-season wonder from A&E) and now am watching previous seasons of Biggest Loser. While I enjoy the competition of BL, it's not realistic. What I do enjoy is the self-analysis of contestants and the ability to relate to the struggles of others. What's cool is looking at the idolatry of food in the scheme of everything else. I've had one light bulb moment, after watching the second season of BL - a woman who made a huge difference said, "Never in my life did I feel like I could have control over food." This was not an amazing statement in and of itself, but rather the difference was what I was thinking - I was not even on the food page, and while hearing her, I thought - whoa, it's about so much more than food management, but that it is a facet of it.
When heavy people talk, it's so much about "food this" and "food that" attacking that one issue. But it really is about so much other stuff - putting your mind on other goals, making food stuff a secondary issue that simply needs to be part of another goal...somehow, I'm finding that by making food management one facet of a larger picture, I'm less compelled by it. And while you can read a book and see that, hear it and know it in your head, when it sinks in that it's about way more, you realize that it's crazy not to move past problems steeped in basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing. Heavy people like those in my circumstance are controlled by over focusing on food, whether that is to eat poorly or better. I'm finding more success in doing a plan and removing the focus on thinking about what I'm eating. I'm enjoying looking for recipes and being creative with my guidelines, and I feel less fear about what happens when I go "off of the plan" in the future because my efforts this time are less obsessed with fear about my relationship to food and more focused on where I want to be in a year or so.
I don't want people to think that somehow this is easy, but for the first time, I feel that I am seeing beyond something, which is important for me. The worst is having patience to see results, but I already feel like inflammation in my body is down, something that makes me feel amazingly better physically. What's the most important is the diminishing fear of failure that I have and my sense of stick-tuitiveness that seem to be less perfectionistic and less all-or-nothing. That, to me, is the greatest feeling of all.
That's it for this evening's two-post run. I'll be writing soon as I look to fill some unemployed hours, haha!
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