I did deactivate for two days. Then I needed an address and email and I didn't have this chickie's cellphone number. I was so mad to reactivate because the lack of distraction was, dare I say, awesome. It was amazing - I wasn't checking my phone a zillion times. I felt calmer, I felt more relaxed, and I felt more productive and focused. Inevitably, reactivating was a small hassle and I found that I was missing events and such. I left Google+ up and Twitter because while I use them, I don't check them often.
In the weeks after my extremely short lived exit, I have checked myself when I've gotten mad about the things I see posted. I'm certain that I have ruffled feathers with people on the things I have, being that Christian that's okay with a cocktail and a dash of sarcasm and at the same time being the one who doesn't believe in female pastors, abortion in any case, or gay marriage. I'm reminded that I can still deactivate at any time and avoid the emotions caused by others. Social media is passive, like TV, and I'm reminded about what John Piper has said about television, though I still own a 42" flat screen. While I still post, mostly to make people chuckle or ask for prayers, I'm trying to use Facebook to actually reconnect and think about people...I mean, you know, what it actually started out being for me!
Anywho, I'm still trying to shut off the compulsive checking, as embarrassing as it is for me to admit that I compulsively check! And so far, pretty good. Some days I post a lot (for me) and others I post less. I enjoy commenting for comedic relief, but no arguments. Alas, as I over think this here, I'm laughing at myself. Ah well, I'll continue to share links, and you know, just gonna calm it down on the smartphone end.
Second, my unemployment: I remind myself that I chose this risk. And a risk it was. And, while I could analyze and beat myself up, I'm taking the "no self-condemnation" route. I mastered that worthless skill long ago and I'm going to let God convict me, rather than taking a boxing glove to myself. I don't regret my decision aside from the occasional "I could have been a revolutionary" monologue of "you missed your chance at greatness." I am trying to kill the overachiever over-criticizer in myself, but not become a bum. You know, who wants to be a bum? And some of us overachievers think that the only other option from being an overachiever is becoming a hobo. I'm breaking the mold! I am craving balance, because while overachievers seem to accomplish a lot, I feel like people who live out moderation and balance accomplish even more. Maybe that's my perception, but they sure seem calmer! I would sacrifice some A grades for some peace, that's for sure...and I'm not even sure that I have to do that!
This job stuff has been difficult. Before this summer, I could count on one hand the times I've interviewed and not gotten the job. This summer changed all that, and let me tell you, it's hard to silence the "there's something fundamentally wrong with you" voice after so many interviews and no job offers. What my interview calls have showed me is that my resume looks great and my answers (to app questions) on paper (where I could think them out and edit them) were stellar. That leaves my personal appearance, interview question answers, and my certification. While I know that the certification is probably the most factual problem, it's hard to not analyze answers to questions and how I looked at the interview. It's times like these where I'm overjoyed to remind myself that there are no surprises for God. He knows, foreknew, and fore-worked everything out. That is an awesome and comforting thought for a mistake-o-phobe like myself (atelophobia, fear of imperfection). Nothing like knowing God knows and knowing God has a plan.
I still have one paycheck left and still need to spend my FSA money. I'm praying that God provides in a way where I don't have to hustle (I hustled in high school - found my own work) - by this, I mean independently working, haha, not anything shady. It's hard work and you can be rather anxious wondering if jobs will come in the next week. If God leads me to start my own company, then I will, but right now, I have to eliminate serious debt. I'm proud of myself for taking a major risk - it's the first time that I feel I've owned a choice, though I have made choices in the past, of course. Perhaps that's the wrong way to word it; this is the first time I've felt that I have departed from expectations that aren't mine. I feel like I've done something despite fear, which is empowering in and of itself. I hope this week is productive and as I wait on God, I'm killing fear one decision at a time.
I still have one paycheck left and still need to spend my FSA money. I'm praying that God provides in a way where I don't have to hustle (I hustled in high school - found my own work) - by this, I mean independently working, haha, not anything shady. It's hard work and you can be rather anxious wondering if jobs will come in the next week. If God leads me to start my own company, then I will, but right now, I have to eliminate serious debt. I'm proud of myself for taking a major risk - it's the first time that I feel I've owned a choice, though I have made choices in the past, of course. Perhaps that's the wrong way to word it; this is the first time I've felt that I have departed from expectations that aren't mine. I feel like I've done something despite fear, which is empowering in and of itself. I hope this week is productive and as I wait on God, I'm killing fear one decision at a time.
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