Not A Mystery...

I am going to address my social media post in my next post, but I'm about to explode all over this one about something else.

Just a warning - I might sound like I am whining. I might sound crazy. There. Warning issued.

Deep breath.

It is not a mystery to me that I am overweight. Not. A. Mystery. And yet somehow, people communicate to and about me as if I "don't see it." Yeah, I don't know why people think I don't know. Certainly there are people in ABSOLUTE DENIAL about how much they eat, but they still know they are overweight. I'm pretty clear on the extra, count them, 50 lbs I gained last spring because I was so depressed and angry about work-related things. I most definitely made a conscious choice, and while I'm kicking myself now, I let my anger wreak havoc on my appetite. I have to buy clothes, friends - I'm pretty sure I know.

As a side note, I know that I am having to make adjustments to get healthier because I actually feel physically crappier than ever, which wasn't so much the case in the past, so I'm going in a good direction.

But why do I hear this message about my weight constantly? Probably because I refuse to talk about dieting.   I do not want to be one of those people who talks about it for 20 years and does nothing, and I think some of the talk is fishing for compliments or inauthentically trying to psych oneself into action. I'm effectively self-critical without adding yet one more element to constantly go on about in my mind. If I do something, then I will do it. But I don't want to talk about it because it's been talked at me for years.  I really am tired of women talking about it alllllllllllll the time.

I've been in an environment with people I cannot remove from it who talk about their weight incessantly. How they look, why they are inadequate physically, and what they are going to do next is a weekly conversation. I don't want to participate because I think it's boring; I mean, I could be reading some random girl's blog on how crazy she is and feel more productive than talk about weight. But I think it is my refusal, interpreted as a personal ignorance, that communicates a message that I am somehow in denial. Oh, the gears are turning, folks, but what good does it do me to talk about it constantly? Or perhaps people want to approach the subject but feel weird, afterall, we are women, how can we not be absolutely consumed with our appearance in the culture we live in?

Let's make it clear that I know and that I often think about how I look so that no one is confused. 1) I have lived with comments about my weight in particular since first grade, and fifth grade was perhaps the ugliest time. 2) I have had every weight management program from food in pouches to surgery suggested to me - the surgery, vehemently so, and not by a doctor at that. 3) I do things where I am confronted with it all the time - like rafting and ziplining to name a few in the past month. 4) I am frequently discouraged from participating in things where my appearance is a required element to be seen and/or discussed because people seem to think I don't know that I'm judged or that I'm unprepared for the pain of rejection. 5) I tend to wear clothing that is baggier/frumpier. I can provide umpteen more, but I think this is sufficient.

Why is it that people do not believe I'm aware that I am constantly judged intentionally or unintentionally? I don't give people a hard time if they don't like the fact I'm overweight - just don't be an ass to me, that's all. And still I get reminded all the time that "it could be because you are overweight." Well, duh - I have lived with this for a LONG time. I'm sort of an expert in comments that can be made, looks that can be given, and attitudes that can be shown - as the Cracker Barrel peg game has communicated to me, I'm "purty smart." It's not even the comment about me being overweight that bugs me! It is that my intelligence is constantly insulted in that, somehow, this very large (pun may or may not be intended) part of my life has escaped my notice and that people are critical of it. Can't fix it overnight - I still want to try to live normally despite it, so I try to not create an issue if it isn't there.  And therein lies the problem - I do not want to create an issue of rejection if it does not exist. In the past, I took self-preservation to the deep end of the pool and drown in invisible "they don't like me's" for a decade.

I want people to show their true colors and me to show mine and not make them up in my head, writing their narrative for them.  Perhaps I've taken this silence too far as now others are writing my narrative for me. It's one in which I'm dumb and naive to the "ways of the world." If I've shared 5 stories of rejection, there are 5 silent ones for each that I've shared. I understand that people have good intentions, but can I please get just a little space to know things on my own? I was spanked as a kid, so I listen the first time. And no, constantly talking about weightloss does not encourage me (or I imagine many) to pursue weightloss...well, I guess if you look at it from the point that the constant chatter might end. It's a decision that we pursue on an intensely personal level because that damaged sense of worth has to be restored. Often, that level of belief isn't affected by casual comments of encouragement (or disdain) on "getting in shape" - it really repaired via act of grace that kills some lies that we tell ourselves. If you choose to be encouragement, sincerely consider your motivation, angle, and delivery. Most of us know what we are contending with - and rather than just habitual changes, we are battling ourselves the most. And sometimes it takes years.

Just thought I'd share. Some may agree, some may not, but I hope I shed some light on where I'm coming from.