Battle of The Bulge - Not That One, This One...

In light of two posts ago, how I said that it is not surprising to the overweight, obese, and extremely obese that they need to lose weight, I thought I would share more on my current efforts.

I signed up for Medifast, which is a portion controlled meal replacement program (PCMR program) because of the success rate, the medically-based support, and the ease of use.  On the program, which I had started in August of 2010, I lost 30 lbs, which was awesome - I didn't realize how awesome it could be. Things got crazy in the Spring time of 2011, and I made a wonderfully easy excuse for going back to overeating. Since then, I've not even really struggled so much as fumbled around for motivation to make it back to the program.

Enter unemployed me in August of 2012. As I have been working on and off through the summer, purging old papers, donating old items, and basically dealing with some 26-year dysfunctions, I have been avoiding the losing weight, exercising, life-change questions. But finding that I want to explore career options that require me to keep up a healthy appearance, I cannot avoid those questions lately. Being the emotional eater that I am, it's easy to make excuses and not bother still. Add to that me not valuing certain things high on the totem pole, it's been a difficult season to motivate myself - I am keenly aware of how psyching myself out does not work and how, somehow, leads to even greater disappointment when I fail.

But, there is something I'm hyper aware of this season - not having a job lined up can seriously impact my emotions and sense of worth. And lately, I'm not keen on it causing more weight gain. Normally, I would indulge a lot more during this time, compensating for a sense of loss and blues. This time, I decided to work on discipline that I am missing. While joblessness is not great for working on financial discipline, I've outlined that and physical maintenance as two areas where I need a serious overhaul. 

After consuming all of the hoarders episodes at my disposal - both the TLC and A&E versions, I was looking for more reality and watched HEAVY (a one-season wonder from A&E) and now am watching previous seasons of Biggest Loser. While I enjoy the competition of BL, it's not realistic. What I do enjoy is the self-analysis of contestants and the ability to relate to the struggles of others. What's cool is looking at the idolatry of food in the scheme of everything else. I've had one light bulb moment, after watching the second season of BL - a woman who made a huge difference said, "Never in my life did I feel like I could have control over food." This was not an amazing statement in and of itself, but rather the difference was what I was thinking - I was not even on the food page, and while hearing her, I thought - whoa, it's about so much more than food management, but that it is a facet of it. 

When heavy people talk, it's so much about "food this" and "food that" attacking that one issue. But it really is about so much other stuff - putting your mind on other goals, making food stuff a secondary issue that simply needs to be part of another goal...somehow, I'm finding that by making food management one facet of a larger picture, I'm less compelled by it. And while you can read a book and see that, hear it and know it in your head, when it sinks in that it's about way more, you realize that it's crazy not to move past problems steeped in basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing. Heavy people like those in my circumstance are controlled by over focusing on food, whether that is to eat poorly or better. I'm finding more success in doing a plan and removing the focus on thinking about what I'm eating. I'm enjoying looking for recipes and being creative with my guidelines, and I feel less fear about what happens when I go "off of the plan" in the future because my efforts this time are less obsessed with fear about my relationship to food and more focused on where I want to be in a year or so. 

I don't want people to think that somehow this is easy, but for the first time, I feel that I am seeing beyond something, which is important for me. The worst is having patience to see results, but I already feel like inflammation in my body is down, something that makes me feel amazingly better physically. What's the most important is the diminishing fear of failure that I have and my sense of stick-tuitiveness that seem to be less perfectionistic and less all-or-nothing. That, to me, is the greatest feeling of all. 

That's it for this evening's two-post run. I'll be writing soon as I look to fill some unemployed hours, haha!

Updates, Updates, Updates...

I decided to address two posts I made a bit ago: the one about social media and the one about wading into the mire.  First, le social media.

I did deactivate for two days. Then I needed an address and email and I didn't have this chickie's cellphone number. I was so mad to reactivate because the lack of distraction was, dare I say, awesome. It was amazing - I wasn't checking my phone a zillion times. I felt calmer, I felt more relaxed, and I felt more productive and focused. Inevitably, reactivating was a small hassle and I found that I was missing events and such. I left Google+ up and Twitter because while I use them, I don't check them often.  

In the weeks after my extremely short lived exit, I have checked myself when I've gotten mad about the things I see posted. I'm certain that I have ruffled feathers with people on the things I have, being that Christian that's okay with a cocktail and a dash of sarcasm and at the same time being the one who doesn't believe in female pastors, abortion in any case, or gay marriage. I'm reminded that I can still deactivate at any time and avoid the emotions caused by others. Social media is passive, like TV, and I'm reminded about what John Piper has said about television, though I still own a 42" flat screen.  While I still post, mostly to make people chuckle or ask for prayers, I'm trying to use Facebook to actually reconnect and think about people...I mean, you know, what it actually started out being for me! 

Anywho, I'm still trying to shut off the compulsive checking, as embarrassing as it is for me to admit that I compulsively check! And so far, pretty good. Some days I post a lot (for me) and others I post less. I enjoy commenting for comedic relief, but no arguments. Alas, as I over think this here, I'm laughing at myself. Ah well, I'll continue to share links, and you know, just gonna calm it down on the smartphone end.

Second, my unemployment: I remind myself that I chose this risk. And a risk it was. And, while I could analyze and beat myself up, I'm taking the "no self-condemnation" route. I mastered that worthless skill long ago and I'm going to let God convict me, rather than taking a boxing glove to myself. I don't regret my decision aside from the occasional "I could have been a revolutionary" monologue of "you missed your chance at greatness." I am trying to kill the overachiever over-criticizer in myself, but not become a bum. You know, who wants to be a bum? And some of us overachievers think that the only other option from being an overachiever is becoming a hobo. I'm breaking the mold! I am craving balance, because while overachievers seem to accomplish a lot, I feel like people who live out moderation and balance accomplish even more. Maybe that's my perception, but they sure seem calmer! I would sacrifice some A grades for some peace, that's for sure...and I'm not even sure that I have to do that!

This job stuff has been difficult. Before this summer, I could count on one hand the times I've interviewed and not gotten the job. This summer changed all that, and let me tell you, it's hard to silence the "there's something fundamentally wrong with you" voice after so many interviews and no job offers.  What my interview calls have showed me is that my resume looks great and my answers (to app questions) on paper (where I could think them out and edit them) were stellar. That leaves my personal appearance, interview question answers, and my certification. While I know that the certification is probably the most factual problem, it's hard to not analyze answers to questions and how I looked at the interview. It's times like these where I'm overjoyed to remind myself that there are no surprises for God. He knows, foreknew, and fore-worked everything out. That is an awesome and comforting thought for a mistake-o-phobe like myself (atelophobia, fear of imperfection). Nothing like knowing God knows and knowing God has a plan.

I still have one paycheck left and still need to spend my FSA money. I'm praying that God provides in a way where I don't have to hustle (I hustled in high school - found my own work) - by this, I mean independently working, haha, not anything shady. It's hard work and you can be rather anxious wondering if jobs will come in the next week. If God leads me to start my own company, then I will, but right now, I have to eliminate serious debt. I'm proud of myself for taking a major risk - it's the first time that I feel I've owned a choice, though I have made choices in the past, of course. Perhaps that's the wrong way to word it; this is the first time I've felt that I have departed from expectations that aren't mine. I feel like I've done something despite fear, which is empowering in and of itself. I hope this week is productive and as I wait on God, I'm killing fear one decision at a time.

Not A Mystery...

I am going to address my social media post in my next post, but I'm about to explode all over this one about something else.

Just a warning - I might sound like I am whining. I might sound crazy. There. Warning issued.

Deep breath.

It is not a mystery to me that I am overweight. Not. A. Mystery. And yet somehow, people communicate to and about me as if I "don't see it." Yeah, I don't know why people think I don't know. Certainly there are people in ABSOLUTE DENIAL about how much they eat, but they still know they are overweight. I'm pretty clear on the extra, count them, 50 lbs I gained last spring because I was so depressed and angry about work-related things. I most definitely made a conscious choice, and while I'm kicking myself now, I let my anger wreak havoc on my appetite. I have to buy clothes, friends - I'm pretty sure I know.

As a side note, I know that I am having to make adjustments to get healthier because I actually feel physically crappier than ever, which wasn't so much the case in the past, so I'm going in a good direction.

But why do I hear this message about my weight constantly? Probably because I refuse to talk about dieting.   I do not want to be one of those people who talks about it for 20 years and does nothing, and I think some of the talk is fishing for compliments or inauthentically trying to psych oneself into action. I'm effectively self-critical without adding yet one more element to constantly go on about in my mind. If I do something, then I will do it. But I don't want to talk about it because it's been talked at me for years.  I really am tired of women talking about it alllllllllllll the time.

I've been in an environment with people I cannot remove from it who talk about their weight incessantly. How they look, why they are inadequate physically, and what they are going to do next is a weekly conversation. I don't want to participate because I think it's boring; I mean, I could be reading some random girl's blog on how crazy she is and feel more productive than talk about weight. But I think it is my refusal, interpreted as a personal ignorance, that communicates a message that I am somehow in denial. Oh, the gears are turning, folks, but what good does it do me to talk about it constantly? Or perhaps people want to approach the subject but feel weird, afterall, we are women, how can we not be absolutely consumed with our appearance in the culture we live in?

Let's make it clear that I know and that I often think about how I look so that no one is confused. 1) I have lived with comments about my weight in particular since first grade, and fifth grade was perhaps the ugliest time. 2) I have had every weight management program from food in pouches to surgery suggested to me - the surgery, vehemently so, and not by a doctor at that. 3) I do things where I am confronted with it all the time - like rafting and ziplining to name a few in the past month. 4) I am frequently discouraged from participating in things where my appearance is a required element to be seen and/or discussed because people seem to think I don't know that I'm judged or that I'm unprepared for the pain of rejection. 5) I tend to wear clothing that is baggier/frumpier. I can provide umpteen more, but I think this is sufficient.

Why is it that people do not believe I'm aware that I am constantly judged intentionally or unintentionally? I don't give people a hard time if they don't like the fact I'm overweight - just don't be an ass to me, that's all. And still I get reminded all the time that "it could be because you are overweight." Well, duh - I have lived with this for a LONG time. I'm sort of an expert in comments that can be made, looks that can be given, and attitudes that can be shown - as the Cracker Barrel peg game has communicated to me, I'm "purty smart." It's not even the comment about me being overweight that bugs me! It is that my intelligence is constantly insulted in that, somehow, this very large (pun may or may not be intended) part of my life has escaped my notice and that people are critical of it. Can't fix it overnight - I still want to try to live normally despite it, so I try to not create an issue if it isn't there.  And therein lies the problem - I do not want to create an issue of rejection if it does not exist. In the past, I took self-preservation to the deep end of the pool and drown in invisible "they don't like me's" for a decade.

I want people to show their true colors and me to show mine and not make them up in my head, writing their narrative for them.  Perhaps I've taken this silence too far as now others are writing my narrative for me. It's one in which I'm dumb and naive to the "ways of the world." If I've shared 5 stories of rejection, there are 5 silent ones for each that I've shared. I understand that people have good intentions, but can I please get just a little space to know things on my own? I was spanked as a kid, so I listen the first time. And no, constantly talking about weightloss does not encourage me (or I imagine many) to pursue weightloss...well, I guess if you look at it from the point that the constant chatter might end. It's a decision that we pursue on an intensely personal level because that damaged sense of worth has to be restored. Often, that level of belief isn't affected by casual comments of encouragement (or disdain) on "getting in shape" - it really repaired via act of grace that kills some lies that we tell ourselves. If you choose to be encouragement, sincerely consider your motivation, angle, and delivery. Most of us know what we are contending with - and rather than just habitual changes, we are battling ourselves the most. And sometimes it takes years.

Just thought I'd share. Some may agree, some may not, but I hope I shed some light on where I'm coming from.