I finally have an opportunity to sit down and write things - some from what's going on now, and something from a continuation of a couple of posts ago.
First things first.
As I have prayed for my grandpeople, I have found that their hearts are harder than ever - or perhaps, I'm just seeing what those hearts look like exposed. I quote, "I wish you would stop talking about that stuff - Lee HATES it, I HATE it." Mind you, my speech is saturated with God now to the point I don't realize it - and I don't watch it. I used to - I used to feel weird talking, but God did, what I would call, a hidden work in me. The change was so gradual through high school and college that I didn't realize it until I slowed down last year and thought about the journey that it has been. God was in my life in those earlier years, but so much more have the things of His glory and truth saturated me (and things that come out of me) that I don't realize it.
Did I say anything about Jesus? No. Until last night, I had said nothing, but Four Points, the people there, my mom, my Heavenly Father - they are REAL parts of my life. And my grandpeople, they don't want me to talk about it at all. Simple fact for her: she doesn't want anyone to "tell her what to do." We had what was the closest heart to heart that we possibly have ever had - but they aren't possible without the "aid" of certain liberating "substances." It's an "in" though - I managed to share some, but so hard, so full of pride, and so self-assured in a correct estimation of EVERYTHING she was. And dad always comes up, so does mom.
Parents - if I can give you one piece of advice - and I am going to say this as hard as I can, with as many needles as possible so that it really pokes: do not talk and complain about your spouse to anyone besides them. If you are so cowardly as to talk to EVERYONE but them, you need some maturity: grow up and quit worrying about what people think about you. Talk to them, you cobarde. Because there are people who use that as ammunition - it may be a cliche to say this, but I don't care: you really can demonize a person, and you ought not to. Those people who are simply looking for an excuse to throw them under the bus CAN and WILL when it suits their purposes for shifting blame.
He is a retired golf pro, so we watched the press conference with Tiger Woods. The last time I stayed a week with them, it was a week after my parents decided to separate. Yeah, that was fun. Then I get to watch this with them - Tiger taking responsibility, but then hearing about my dad and how my mom also is at fault (then I defend her and marriage), then there's talk of this that or the other about dad. I mean, there is damage. This family needs healing, it needs forgiveness, it needs a SAVIOR. But, she out and out rejects it - they have lived the "American Dream" their kids are "good kids" (nevermind the REAL junk - and I mean, REAL - I won't get into it here because there are some things I do want to protect). She's moral, she's lived "right."
Yeah, but for me, it's not enough. For me, no, it's not a crutch, it's not about feeling "good" or "comfort." It's not about being "right" - it's about truth and no falsehood. It's about deep love, and not good feelings. It's about taking responsibility, not abdicating it.
It will be a work of the Holy Spirit if this comes to pass. I cannot deny that I have had the feeling of giving up, or of letting my heart harden toward them. Of saying to myself, "the Lord opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" and ending it there. But is that not proud, too? Then I read James 5:11, which says "behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful." The NIV uses the phrase, "we consider blessed those who perservered." Will I?
My greatest fear is that I would pray and pray and love and love, and it would yield me nothing. Funny that I mention this - when I wrote the last post, asking for prayer, a good week after the retreat, I said a silent prayer in a silent breath as I clicked the post button "Lord, please do not let Your Word return void to You." After posting, I opened the bible to a tiny card in it. At the retreat, we were asked to put our fears or requests on these cards - one or a few that we knew were on our heart or mind - something the Lord had showed us that weekend. I opened to the one that read "dad's, nina's, and poo-poo's salvation" - I had simply placed it "wherever" in my Bible. On the page where their card was Isaiah 55, in which are verses 10-11, "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven / and do not return there but water the earth, / making it bring forth and sprout, / giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, / so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth, / it shall not return to me empty, / but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, / and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."
Because I had just posted that request, and "happened" to put that card there, "happened" to say that tiny, tiny, prayer, then opened to the card that really mattered, and read the verse (the location of which, I had no idea), I simply cried. All over again. And it's hard not to now, even though I'm sitting in the San Antonio startbucks.
Please continue to pray. God enabled me to come here - pay day was last wednesday, Chicago was canceled, and I was led. And I am met with bondage, brokenness, and nothing but what a Savior could do. Please pray that I don't get discouraged - that I love more, and not less. Please let Christ bug the hell (literally) out of them. I need a Pauline, C.S. Lewi-sh conversion. If I love them, does not God love them more? I want my parents to reconcile, even, just to spite them and their worldliness, to spite the evil one. What better way to spite evil than with good? Darkness than with light? Strife with peace? Pray that I would be salt and light. Pray that love abouds and softens hearts as hard as stones. Please join this war effort. It will only add to the Lord's glory - and that is the call of our lives, right? To add to his reknown.
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