Sincere prayer request...

This post isn't intended to be long, and though I have a few qualms about posting it this way, I am in more desperate need than I care to admit.

Ever since starting and leaving last week's retreat, there has been a dark cloud over me - I have been grieving nearly non-stop - I think the Spirit within me is very much grieved. I have had trouble sleeping and fears have been racing through my mind, making me feel incredibly depressed. I was in prayer tonight and I asked the Lord to help me understand what is going on.

For those of you who don't know, I am burdened for the salvation of my dad and his parents. When I say burdened, it is not, wow, this is on my mind a lot and well, I just keep "hoping". This is a burden where I weep and plead and beg the Lord to save people who are cold to Him. This is where I shake, and the tremor that started a year ago (in my jaw and neck) gets uncontrollable because of the stress of praying and crying, basically. It's very intense and emotionally exhausting. This is how badly I want it. It is something that I would give my life for if I could guarantee the outcome. I wonder sometimes if the Lord would call me home and it would happen afterward, like it says in Hebrews, the righteoussness of God's people was credited to them (like Moses) even though they died without seeing the promised Messiah. They believed that he would come, and died in faith of Christ's life, death, and resurrection to ransom those who would believe from their sin. Faith like that is humbling when you do not get to see it on this side of Creation.

Needless to say, this darkness has been lingering, and as I was praying tonight, I asked God what is going on. I had the suspicion (though also the skepticism), that I have been under major spiritual attack since praying for salvation. I think God really confirmed it as I was praying - I read the portion in Isaiah where it says that the Lord will slay the Leviathan, the serpent of the sea. I prayed and I was asking, and I feel like God revealed to me that I am in the midst of very, very potent spiritual warfare. I do not use this phrase lightly; I can simply articulate that I am being smashed with my worst fears and my insecurities are being played against me. And I am battling because I WILL NOT GIVE UP in my fight for their salvation. I have basically declared all-out war on the evil one...and God very much impressed on me to ask for prayer. I immediately felt like "I cannot do this on my own". That being said, I am posting this to ask for your committed prayer in this time. I was supposed to go to Chicago for spring break - that was the plan, but 3 weeks ago, I felt like I needed to get to San Antonio to see my grandparents. I didn't know how this was going to happen because my friend and her mom were supposed to come with me and my sister. I didn't want to cancel on her; turned out, she canceled on me. My sister couldn't comit to going anywhere; I saw my dad on Sunday, and was feeling more pressed to go to Texas. Monday, I called dad, asked him to pave the way for the question, and that night, I booked the ticket - from Easter to the next Saturday, I will be there with them.

I covet your prayers - I will need them daily. I am one of the weakest people emotionally and spiritually that I know. I will fail in boldness without the Holy Spirit to squash my fear of Jesus being rejected.

Please pray the following:
- Pray that the Lord soften their hearts: they are hardened. I mean, hard!
- Pray that the Lord prepare them for me to come into town.
- Pray that the Lord would be salt and light that is fresh even though they have known me (and that I am a Christian for years)
- Pray that they stay in good health until Jesus in His grace and mercy saves them.
- Pray that God would make clear the opportune time to share; pray that the enemy would be silenced; pray that I would step out of my cowardice and share the depth of Jesus that they need to know.
- Pray that the Gospel would sing it's own song.
- Pray that I would have knowledge and wisdom that I do not have for God's purposes.
- Pray that love, grace, and mercy about - pray that scales fall from their eyes.

Thank you for your prayers. I am in a major hour of need, and I covet them greatly. Much love.