What a week - I haven't written in a long while because I've been finishing up my graduate classes for the semester, along with grading, dealing with parents, tutoring, crying, praying, reading, not-sleeping, farmville, mafia wars...lol.
This past week has been a challenge for sure. With the real possibility of losing the job that God gave me, I have been in many places emotionally, except scared. Something have happened, somethings have been said, and for the first time in a LONG while I have felt angry (something specific has made me mad the past 3 or so days). But I won't go into that because I just want to write about something else.
First things: I don't feel scared about my job. God will provide. I say this, and people misunderstand when I say that He will provide. One of my besetting sins is slowbedience in terms of honoring my word to myself (and to others). If I feel worried even a little (imagine what it's like when it's full-blown anxiety), I freeze, I panic, and I sit in the pool of doubts and immobilization. To put my concerns, fears, hopes, aspirations on the alter of sacrifice to the Lord, saying that He is in control, I nearly immediately feel empowered to work, to search out my options, to forsake fear, and to make a plan that allows plenty of room for God to step in - there is a God-sized hole in any plan that I make. It's His plan, I'm simply walking in faith that He will providentially meet me with an answer as I'm moving by the power of the Unseen Spirit. Many people perceive my words that "I'm trusting in God" to mean that I am going to sit around and wait on God, when in reality, if I were paralyzed by fear and worry, doubt and misery, I would be immobile. Some people are very motivated by fear and begin furiously working out something because there isn't a net - I'm not one of those at all - my mom could tell you - I've been a chronic procrastinator since the day I came into the world, over 20 hours in labor...
I say this because I want there to be no misunderstanding as to the point about me having rose-colored glasses. In fact, those who know me best (my family), would probably call me very negative and pessimistic (though I maintain that I am "realistic"). I am probably going to say the glass is half-empty - it's my nature, I want to strive for better. So if i tell you, I'm looking to the Lord for His answer on the future, don't think that the gears aren't turning furiously like a clock wound tightly. I am the way He made me.
Second, and this is hard for me to say because it is so personal to my heart, I have really started praying that the Lord provide me with a husband to serve. I had initially been praying for him as if he were out there, and I just didn't know him yet, but I think it's better not to assume and just ask - I almost feel like the Holy Spirit corrected the way that I had been praying. In praying this, I feel like I have been in preparation mode. The past two weeks, I've been taking care of personal house-keeping - things like making sure that I take care of my health, then my living space, my responsibilities (like the bills, my duties at school - doing things in a timely manner, grading, endeavoring to improve my teaching skills), then growing with the Lord. I feel the biggest hurdle I face is losing 90 lbs. Yep - that's the number that looms in the future. It's funny, normally I'd have some shame saying it, but seeing as I am out for some prayer, and satan ain't got nothin' on me if I ain't got nothin' to hide, I'm just gonna throw it out there.
I went to the doctor, and there really isn't anything wrong besides the fact I need to be out in the sun to get some viatamin D. My cholesterol, hormones, viatamins, blood pressure are excellent, in the words of the doctor. I've got my dad's mom's goooooooood genes. The only issue is the weight, which is more emotional than anything. And in all the time that I have been overweight, I've tried to figure out what was wrong. In looking back at photographs, I realized that my perception was NOT reality - I really wasn't ALWAYS fat...but a few snide remarks from nasty classmates will trigger anyone's perception meter to point in the extreme section of the gauge. And I think that's what gave me the perception. Trying to figure out how it got there has been the biggest fit. A lot of times, if I know the root, I'm fixed - knowing the truth sets me free, but man, of all of them, this has been the biggest mystery in terms of "where it all started". Now, peeps may say that "you should get over having to know". And I would say respect the process of growth - I'm going somewhere, just slowly - speak up when I stop moving, but just saying "get over it" doesn't help anyone get better. I welcome wisdom and insight, but simple statements and catchphrases will be round-filed into the cliche-bin until they become relevant by transforming truth (which I really feel is ONLY a work done by and reserved for the Holy Spirit). All this to say, in asking for a husband, serving him when he's not here, I figure, will serve to help serve him better when he is. And I think that might start with taking care of what God has given me stewardship over. In looking over it, I think I've handled those things poorly, which is not how I want to treat and serve another person - if we're supposed to be "one flesh" and I start treating him how I treat the other things I steward (like my personhood, my body, my space, my job, my duties), I'll not be honoring the Lord - I'll get careless with him like I'm careless with me, because I will see it like "he is me" and I don't do well right now "as me".
I use the word "stewardship" because if I say "I need to take care of myself" I won't do it; it will sound too much to like self-help, which reminds me too much of self-worship. If I look at it like I have a responsibility to God to do these things (which, I do, being that I'm called to honor the Holy Temple that is the body, serve others as if I were serving God [according to Paul], and steward my finances well), I'm more likely to maintain a conviction, rather than a whiney "poor me, woe to all I have to do" attitude. So if there's anyone who reads this, your prayers are coveted.
On a side note, I have been praying against praying for a husband out of idleness. Now, I know that praying can't be wrong, but you know, the rehearsing of words, and things over our minds and hearts can captivate our attention to the detriment of our walk with Christ - this is NOT what I want. If anything, Christ is who I desire to remain at the center, though I might at times get distracted. I am really praying and asking the Lord if now is the right time to start asking. My chief desire is to honor and glorify Him in all things - the principal reason for me to get married - really the only reason I would desire to be in my heart - would be to further glorify the Lord. So, if you pray, please do pray His will. Oh, how I love Him, and how He is the only One that matters.
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