There's nothing like feeling aimless when there is SO MUCH TO DO. I feel like I need something really BIG to look forward to. But I don't want to have a whine fest, just want to tell it like I'm feeling it.
I had a GREAT time in San Antonio, despite some minor irritations at things that they said from time to time. All I can say is that a blanket and atmosphere of grace covers my remembrances of last week and God was so gracious and merciful. Thank you to those of you who prayed - tears come to my eyes at the debt of gratitude that I have to you all for your generous words, love and support. Your love and the love of our Father in heaven enabled me to love them better than I have ever felt. Thank you.
I'm sure that the firestorm that I created did not go unnoticed. In talking with a close friend in my life, I have vacillated between whether or not it was a good decision to be as open as I was. It's foolish to regret what I cannot change, but certainly, I can hear wisdom when she is calling in the streets. At the same time, I don't feel terribly bad because what the negative response I received was an overreacted backlash. I told my friend that I know that part of me is rebelling (and I'm not terribly rebellious) against the hidden nature of what I knew growing up. So much was kept away from light, and it was exposed in hideous ways when my parents divorced. If I can confess things before the evil one has an opportunity to use truth that way, I will do it. I had pretending like things are okay; I hate hiding, though things needn't be exposed to EVERYONE.
So, if I hurt people, I am sorry. I am still young - though that is not an excuse because I can choose to know better and do better. In addition, my desire was to help others to pray better and specifically. And I do not want shame to have a stronghold in my life. It has had one before, and I don't want it to happen again. It was in the interests of extreme love, not extreme slander, but I don't anticipate that this will be understood, sadly, by the people who matter to me the most. I will continue to pray and to love, but I cannot shy away from truth and reality in the interests of minimizing the real feelings of sadness, sorrow, loss, pain, and growth. I am thankful to the Lord for graciously teaching me, and I pray for the reconciliation of things, whether that be now, or something to be seen in eternity. But for now, I can be wiser about how open I am, and do things more carefully. As far as it goes for me, I will continue to share MYSELF openly.
I am asking you for your prayers. I will go to the neurologist in the next three weeks. Some of you know, many don't, about teeth chattering. I have had a tremor in my jaw for the past year. I can only control it to some degree, but it causes my eyes, facial muscles and head to move involuntarily. I don't know what caused it - I prayed pretty intensely during December 2008 and January 2009 - to the point where I was stressing myself out physically. I can "move" the tremor to my hands, once felt it in my shoulders. It's a scary thing, not knowing, not having known. Now that I have insurance, I'm thankful that I can get things straightened out. But it will be a little nerve-wracking. Pardon the pun. I'm going to be hopeful for the next few months for what is to come and what the Lord will do.
No comments:
Post a Comment