Controlled chaos...

What a week - I haven't written in a long while because I've been finishing up my graduate classes for the semester, along with grading, dealing with parents, tutoring, crying, praying, reading, not-sleeping, farmville, mafia wars...lol.

This past week has been a challenge for sure. With the real possibility of losing the job that God gave me, I have been in many places emotionally, except scared. Something have happened, somethings have been said, and for the first time in a LONG while I have felt angry (something specific has made me mad the past 3 or so days). But I won't go into that because I just want to write about something else.

First things: I don't feel scared about my job. God will provide. I say this, and people misunderstand when I say that He will provide. One of my besetting sins is slowbedience in terms of honoring my word to myself (and to others). If I feel worried even a little (imagine what it's like when it's full-blown anxiety), I freeze, I panic, and I sit in the pool of doubts and immobilization. To put my concerns, fears, hopes, aspirations on the alter of sacrifice to the Lord, saying that He is in control, I nearly immediately feel empowered to work, to search out my options, to forsake fear, and to make a plan that allows plenty of room for God to step in - there is a God-sized hole in any plan that I make. It's His plan, I'm simply walking in faith that He will providentially meet me with an answer as I'm moving by the power of the Unseen Spirit. Many people perceive my words that "I'm trusting in God" to mean that I am going to sit around and wait on God, when in reality, if I were paralyzed by fear and worry, doubt and misery, I would be immobile. Some people are very motivated by fear and begin furiously working out something because there isn't a net - I'm not one of those at all - my mom could tell you - I've been a chronic procrastinator since the day I came into the world, over 20 hours in labor...

I say this because I want there to be no misunderstanding as to the point about me having rose-colored glasses. In fact, those who know me best (my family), would probably call me very negative and pessimistic (though I maintain that I am "realistic"). I am probably going to say the glass is half-empty - it's my nature, I want to strive for better. So if i tell you, I'm looking to the Lord for His answer on the future, don't think that the gears aren't turning furiously like a clock wound tightly. I am the way He made me.

Second, and this is hard for me to say because it is so personal to my heart, I have really started praying that the Lord provide me with a husband to serve. I had initially been praying for him as if he were out there, and I just didn't know him yet, but I think it's better not to assume and just ask - I almost feel like the Holy Spirit corrected the way that I had been praying. In praying this, I feel like I have been in preparation mode. The past two weeks, I've been taking care of personal house-keeping - things like making sure that I take care of my health, then my living space, my responsibilities (like the bills, my duties at school - doing things in a timely manner, grading, endeavoring to improve my teaching skills), then growing with the Lord. I feel the biggest hurdle I face is losing 90 lbs. Yep - that's the number that looms in the future. It's funny, normally I'd have some shame saying it, but seeing as I am out for some prayer, and satan ain't got nothin' on me if I ain't got nothin' to hide, I'm just gonna throw it out there.

I went to the doctor, and there really isn't anything wrong besides the fact I need to be out in the sun to get some viatamin D. My cholesterol, hormones, viatamins, blood pressure are excellent, in the words of the doctor. I've got my dad's mom's goooooooood genes. The only issue is the weight, which is more emotional than anything. And in all the time that I have been overweight, I've tried to figure out what was wrong. In looking back at photographs, I realized that my perception was NOT reality - I really wasn't ALWAYS fat...but a few snide remarks from nasty classmates will trigger anyone's perception meter to point in the extreme section of the gauge. And I think that's what gave me the perception. Trying to figure out how it got there has been the biggest fit. A lot of times, if I know the root, I'm fixed - knowing the truth sets me free, but man, of all of them, this has been the biggest mystery in terms of "where it all started". Now, peeps may say that "you should get over having to know". And I would say respect the process of growth - I'm going somewhere, just slowly - speak up when I stop moving, but just saying "get over it" doesn't help anyone get better. I welcome wisdom and insight, but simple statements and catchphrases will be round-filed into the cliche-bin until they become relevant by transforming truth (which I really feel is ONLY a work done by and reserved for the Holy Spirit). All this to say, in asking for a husband, serving him when he's not here, I figure, will serve to help serve him better when he is. And I think that might start with taking care of what God has given me stewardship over. In looking over it, I think I've handled those things poorly, which is not how I want to treat and serve another person - if we're supposed to be "one flesh" and I start treating him how I treat the other things I steward (like my personhood, my body, my space, my job, my duties), I'll not be honoring the Lord - I'll get careless with him like I'm careless with me, because I will see it like "he is me" and I don't do well right now "as me".

I use the word "stewardship" because if I say "I need to take care of myself" I won't do it; it will sound too much to like self-help, which reminds me too much of self-worship. If I look at it like I have a responsibility to God to do these things (which, I do, being that I'm called to honor the Holy Temple that is the body, serve others as if I were serving God [according to Paul], and steward my finances well), I'm more likely to maintain a conviction, rather than a whiney "poor me, woe to all I have to do" attitude. So if there's anyone who reads this, your prayers are coveted.

On a side note, I have been praying against praying for a husband out of idleness. Now, I know that praying can't be wrong, but you know, the rehearsing of words, and things over our minds and hearts can captivate our attention to the detriment of our walk with Christ - this is NOT what I want. If anything, Christ is who I desire to remain at the center, though I might at times get distracted. I am really praying and asking the Lord if now is the right time to start asking. My chief desire is to honor and glorify Him in all things - the principal reason for me to get married - really the only reason I would desire to be in my heart - would be to further glorify the Lord. So, if you pray, please do pray His will. Oh, how I love Him, and how He is the only One that matters.

Realities...

Haven't written in a long time. Confession - I feel very depressed. I feel overwhelmed. I feel aimless.

There's nothing like feeling aimless when there is SO MUCH TO DO. I feel like I need something really BIG to look forward to. But I don't want to have a whine fest, just want to tell it like I'm feeling it.

I had a GREAT time in San Antonio, despite some minor irritations at things that they said from time to time. All I can say is that a blanket and atmosphere of grace covers my remembrances of last week and God was so gracious and merciful. Thank you to those of you who prayed - tears come to my eyes at the debt of gratitude that I have to you all for your generous words, love and support. Your love and the love of our Father in heaven enabled me to love them better than I have ever felt. Thank you.

I'm sure that the firestorm that I created did not go unnoticed. In talking with a close friend in my life, I have vacillated between whether or not it was a good decision to be as open as I was. It's foolish to regret what I cannot change, but certainly, I can hear wisdom when she is calling in the streets. At the same time, I don't feel terribly bad because what the negative response I received was an overreacted backlash. I told my friend that I know that part of me is rebelling (and I'm not terribly rebellious) against the hidden nature of what I knew growing up. So much was kept away from light, and it was exposed in hideous ways when my parents divorced. If I can confess things before the evil one has an opportunity to use truth that way, I will do it. I had pretending like things are okay; I hate hiding, though things needn't be exposed to EVERYONE.

So, if I hurt people, I am sorry. I am still young - though that is not an excuse because I can choose to know better and do better. In addition, my desire was to help others to pray better and specifically. And I do not want shame to have a stronghold in my life. It has had one before, and I don't want it to happen again. It was in the interests of extreme love, not extreme slander, but I don't anticipate that this will be understood, sadly, by the people who matter to me the most. I will continue to pray and to love, but I cannot shy away from truth and reality in the interests of minimizing the real feelings of sadness, sorrow, loss, pain, and growth. I am thankful to the Lord for graciously teaching me, and I pray for the reconciliation of things, whether that be now, or something to be seen in eternity. But for now, I can be wiser about how open I am, and do things more carefully. As far as it goes for me, I will continue to share MYSELF openly.

I am asking you for your prayers. I will go to the neurologist in the next three weeks. Some of you know, many don't, about teeth chattering. I have had a tremor in my jaw for the past year. I can only control it to some degree, but it causes my eyes, facial muscles and head to move involuntarily. I don't know what caused it - I prayed pretty intensely during December 2008 and January 2009 - to the point where I was stressing myself out physically. I can "move" the tremor to my hands, once felt it in my shoulders. It's a scary thing, not knowing, not having known. Now that I have insurance, I'm thankful that I can get things straightened out. But it will be a little nerve-wracking. Pardon the pun. I'm going to be hopeful for the next few months for what is to come and what the Lord will do.

Of hard things and prayer...

I finally have an opportunity to sit down and write things - some from what's going on now, and something from a continuation of a couple of posts ago.

First things first.

As I have prayed for my grandpeople, I have found that their hearts are harder than ever - or perhaps, I'm just seeing what those hearts look like exposed. I quote, "I wish you would stop talking about that stuff - Lee HATES it, I HATE it." Mind you, my speech is saturated with God now to the point I don't realize it - and I don't watch it. I used to - I used to feel weird talking, but God did, what I would call, a hidden work in me. The change was so gradual through high school and college that I didn't realize it until I slowed down last year and thought about the journey that it has been. God was in my life in those earlier years, but so much more have the things of His glory and truth saturated me (and things that come out of me) that I don't realize it.

Did I say anything about Jesus? No. Until last night, I had said nothing, but Four Points, the people there, my mom, my Heavenly Father - they are REAL parts of my life. And my grandpeople, they don't want me to talk about it at all. Simple fact for her: she doesn't want anyone to "tell her what to do." We had what was the closest heart to heart that we possibly have ever had - but they aren't possible without the "aid" of certain liberating "substances." It's an "in" though - I managed to share some, but so hard, so full of pride, and so self-assured in a correct estimation of EVERYTHING she was. And dad always comes up, so does mom.

Parents - if I can give you one piece of advice - and I am going to say this as hard as I can, with as many needles as possible so that it really pokes: do not talk and complain about your spouse to anyone besides them. If you are so cowardly as to talk to EVERYONE but them, you need some maturity: grow up and quit worrying about what people think about you. Talk to them, you cobarde. Because there are people who use that as ammunition - it may be a cliche to say this, but I don't care: you really can demonize a person, and you ought not to. Those people who are simply looking for an excuse to throw them under the bus CAN and WILL when it suits their purposes for shifting blame.

He is a retired golf pro, so we watched the press conference with Tiger Woods. The last time I stayed a week with them, it was a week after my parents decided to separate. Yeah, that was fun. Then I get to watch this with them - Tiger taking responsibility, but then hearing about my dad and how my mom also is at fault (then I defend her and marriage), then there's talk of this that or the other about dad. I mean, there is damage. This family needs healing, it needs forgiveness, it needs a SAVIOR. But, she out and out rejects it - they have lived the "American Dream" their kids are "good kids" (nevermind the REAL junk - and I mean, REAL - I won't get into it here because there are some things I do want to protect). She's moral, she's lived "right."

Yeah, but for me, it's not enough. For me, no, it's not a crutch, it's not about feeling "good" or "comfort." It's not about being "right" - it's about truth and no falsehood. It's about deep love, and not good feelings. It's about taking responsibility, not abdicating it.

It will be a work of the Holy Spirit if this comes to pass. I cannot deny that I have had the feeling of giving up, or of letting my heart harden toward them. Of saying to myself, "the Lord opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" and ending it there. But is that not proud, too? Then I read James 5:11, which says "behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful." The NIV uses the phrase, "we consider blessed those who perservered." Will I?

My greatest fear is that I would pray and pray and love and love, and it would yield me nothing. Funny that I mention this - when I wrote the last post, asking for prayer, a good week after the retreat, I said a silent prayer in a silent breath as I clicked the post button "Lord, please do not let Your Word return void to You." After posting, I opened the bible to a tiny card in it. At the retreat, we were asked to put our fears or requests on these cards - one or a few that we knew were on our heart or mind - something the Lord had showed us that weekend. I opened to the one that read "dad's, nina's, and poo-poo's salvation" - I had simply placed it "wherever" in my Bible. On the page where their card was Isaiah 55, in which are verses 10-11, "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven / and do not return there but water the earth, / making it bring forth and sprout, / giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, / so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth, / it shall not return to me empty, / but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, / and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

Because I had just posted that request, and "happened" to put that card there, "happened" to say that tiny, tiny, prayer, then opened to the card that really mattered, and read the verse (the location of which, I had no idea), I simply cried. All over again. And it's hard not to now, even though I'm sitting in the San Antonio startbucks.

Please continue to pray. God enabled me to come here - pay day was last wednesday, Chicago was canceled, and I was led. And I am met with bondage, brokenness, and nothing but what a Savior could do. Please pray that I don't get discouraged - that I love more, and not less. Please let Christ bug the hell (literally) out of them. I need a Pauline, C.S. Lewi-sh conversion. If I love them, does not God love them more? I want my parents to reconcile, even, just to spite them and their worldliness, to spite the evil one. What better way to spite evil than with good? Darkness than with light? Strife with peace? Pray that I would be salt and light. Pray that love abouds and softens hearts as hard as stones. Please join this war effort. It will only add to the Lord's glory - and that is the call of our lives, right? To add to his reknown.

Sincere prayer request...

This post isn't intended to be long, and though I have a few qualms about posting it this way, I am in more desperate need than I care to admit.

Ever since starting and leaving last week's retreat, there has been a dark cloud over me - I have been grieving nearly non-stop - I think the Spirit within me is very much grieved. I have had trouble sleeping and fears have been racing through my mind, making me feel incredibly depressed. I was in prayer tonight and I asked the Lord to help me understand what is going on.

For those of you who don't know, I am burdened for the salvation of my dad and his parents. When I say burdened, it is not, wow, this is on my mind a lot and well, I just keep "hoping". This is a burden where I weep and plead and beg the Lord to save people who are cold to Him. This is where I shake, and the tremor that started a year ago (in my jaw and neck) gets uncontrollable because of the stress of praying and crying, basically. It's very intense and emotionally exhausting. This is how badly I want it. It is something that I would give my life for if I could guarantee the outcome. I wonder sometimes if the Lord would call me home and it would happen afterward, like it says in Hebrews, the righteoussness of God's people was credited to them (like Moses) even though they died without seeing the promised Messiah. They believed that he would come, and died in faith of Christ's life, death, and resurrection to ransom those who would believe from their sin. Faith like that is humbling when you do not get to see it on this side of Creation.

Needless to say, this darkness has been lingering, and as I was praying tonight, I asked God what is going on. I had the suspicion (though also the skepticism), that I have been under major spiritual attack since praying for salvation. I think God really confirmed it as I was praying - I read the portion in Isaiah where it says that the Lord will slay the Leviathan, the serpent of the sea. I prayed and I was asking, and I feel like God revealed to me that I am in the midst of very, very potent spiritual warfare. I do not use this phrase lightly; I can simply articulate that I am being smashed with my worst fears and my insecurities are being played against me. And I am battling because I WILL NOT GIVE UP in my fight for their salvation. I have basically declared all-out war on the evil one...and God very much impressed on me to ask for prayer. I immediately felt like "I cannot do this on my own". That being said, I am posting this to ask for your committed prayer in this time. I was supposed to go to Chicago for spring break - that was the plan, but 3 weeks ago, I felt like I needed to get to San Antonio to see my grandparents. I didn't know how this was going to happen because my friend and her mom were supposed to come with me and my sister. I didn't want to cancel on her; turned out, she canceled on me. My sister couldn't comit to going anywhere; I saw my dad on Sunday, and was feeling more pressed to go to Texas. Monday, I called dad, asked him to pave the way for the question, and that night, I booked the ticket - from Easter to the next Saturday, I will be there with them.

I covet your prayers - I will need them daily. I am one of the weakest people emotionally and spiritually that I know. I will fail in boldness without the Holy Spirit to squash my fear of Jesus being rejected.

Please pray the following:
- Pray that the Lord soften their hearts: they are hardened. I mean, hard!
- Pray that the Lord prepare them for me to come into town.
- Pray that the Lord would be salt and light that is fresh even though they have known me (and that I am a Christian for years)
- Pray that they stay in good health until Jesus in His grace and mercy saves them.
- Pray that God would make clear the opportune time to share; pray that the enemy would be silenced; pray that I would step out of my cowardice and share the depth of Jesus that they need to know.
- Pray that the Gospel would sing it's own song.
- Pray that I would have knowledge and wisdom that I do not have for God's purposes.
- Pray that love, grace, and mercy about - pray that scales fall from their eyes.

Thank you for your prayers. I am in a major hour of need, and I covet them greatly. Much love.