This is this week's "question to myself." If people saw the inside of my head, they would see that I don't often get answers to those questions quickly. I was thinking today about that to-do list. Though I am getting better by only requiring a severely limited tasks from myself, the problem is that my brain is still searching for overload. I keep my externalities low on the drama side (people, situations, I don't like rocking the boat if I'm worried about who I'm talking to), but my mind is zoom-zooming. It's starting to drive me nuts.
Do you ever do that? Drive yourself nuts? I feel like I'm living with two people - one who wants to complain, another who has had enough. Frustrating indeed. Perfectionism and defeatism. One leads to the other. The question is, if I think this way, what is the payoff? What is driving this (and man, it's the gears that turn much of my world). What would it mean to give it up? What would it mean to leave that stuff in the dust? Do I think that I am somehow getting work done simply by intending to do it? That idea disgusts me, but there is no denial to the ring of truth that I feel that's there. I feel guilty about not doing - does the mere intention of doing it fulfill my need to accomplish? Even when I don't? It's enough to keep me from confronting the sin of not doing it. Yep, that intention is enough to satisfy me from confronting my lack of productivity. In being radically honest with myself, this has been one of the hardest but most liberating things to deal with. When I look at that stack of work, it's been my chore (on and off) to really ask myself "will I really touch this when I get home?" I asked the question in college, but I didn't attack the root of why I needed to. It was merely that the thought occurred to me "how many times have I lugged all these bags (and really stressed my shoulders with all this nonsense), and never touched all that work? How many times have I actually LIED to myself thinking I would get it done?"
Lying to myself, that's what I'm doing. If I were just honest with myself, would I buckle down during the times where I know I would get it done? Well, I'm experimenting with just that. So far, that seems to be the case. When my yes is yes and my no is no to myself, I am tending to honor that. The honesty is making me realize that I really need to structure focus time and leisure time (structed leisure? is this real? YES). If I garuantee myself that time, I will do what I need to do when I am working. The adjustment is a complete departure from the guilt-laden, attempt at motivation I am used to. It's good because I really am throwing perfection out the window and simply living life the best way I know how, praying that the Holy Spirit will enable me to more. It's okay to start small. I don't have to excel immediately (another departure). Despite the "big" departures from my way of thinking about productivity and getting stuff done, despite the small start, small modifications, and small progress, I am so glad to be learning something. I can already feel the effects of being healthier in more ways than one. And that is a blessing indeed. Whoever thought that dealing with sin head-on is such a huge blessing? :)
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