Difficulty relationing...

Okay, I know that "relationing" is not a word. But I have made it up to kind of describe something that was brought to my attention in the last week.

I had a dream. A weird dream. The emotions weren't necessarily bad, but it did make me think about what I'm having trouble with on a personal level. Things that the dream made me realize:

1) I should NEVER EVER eat a lot of red onion after 5:00pm. It makes me have weird dreams - and I new this before hitting up the Ruby Tuesdays with a teacher friend, but I didn't quite put stock in it until repeated "trials".

2) I really have "intimacy with people" issues.

What does number 2 even mean? Well, in a nutshell, I find it hard to make friends or feel really connected to them. Even the ones that I have had for a while, I know that I can detach from - I would survive, feel some pain, but be okay. I find this to be an indication that there is some fundamental problem with the way that I build relationships and relate to people.

Why? Well, I have asked that question - still searching for "the answer", which I believe is out there. But here are some thoughts that ran through my head:

1) I experience untold, repeated rejection when I was a kid - think elementary school/middle school, even by people who are close friends now. I was blown off, left out, no explanation, mocked, bullied, hardly ever invited (I invited EVERYONE in class to my party, didn't want them to be left out), hardly called. I was, well, alone (and lonely). This is no "poor me" thing based on 3 traumatic experiences. No, this was real, time after time, person after person. I don't have friends from elementary school. I've been here for 18 years. That bugs me.

2) There is pain that I have not dealt with/ don't know how to deal with. Just hold that "you should forgive" thought - I have, but the residual pain is still there, begging to be identified, mourned, and healed. I think this causes number 3.

3) I think that because the pain of the 1 and the inability to clearly remember/identify the 2, I think I punish others (and consequently myself) by not really "risking" myself in relationships. I think I have actually forgotten how to because my coping/survival/self-preservation kicked in as a kid. Like, I learned that it really hurt, and I shut the friendship factory down. If I weren't writing this in a public place, I could definitely produce some tears. I can feel that pain welling up.

Does this mean I don't have friends? Nope. Some are strong enough to hang on long enough to get through all the marshlands. These are people that are life-long friends. But I still feel disconnected even then. Like I'm still preserved - but preserved like a body is embalmed, not preserved like intact, living, healthy. I love these people. But I still feel some sort of deficiency. Maybe I'm over sensitive, over thinking it, but I don't think it would be this painful.

It hurts not being able to make friends fast, but want to so badly. Really. Tears-type painful. What's worse? I can speak well in front of large groups, but when it comes to articulating my emotions, terrible. Wanting to engage with people? Say that you want to get together sometime? How to know when the right time to start the "let's hang out" phase is? I've lost all of this. I'm at a loss. And I'm desparate to fix it. I wasn't awkward as a kid with these things - it was natural. Now? Oh, well, just a mess.

In either case, my answer is prayer. As usual. It has never failed. I have confidence that it never will. But the process is always grueling. I'm surprised that my eyes haven't swollen shut over the past 5 years, when God opened the flood gates. I didn't EVER cry that much. Let me just stay, if you were a stuffer of your feelings, they don't go away when you "get better" - they come rushing out. I'm continuing to make up for every time I didn't cry, haha. Glad I'm starting at 24, and not 48.