My parents are divorced. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's the worst thing that can happen to a family short of death. My dad left and he has problems with the telephone.
Thursday was one of those days where I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED. My youngest aunt on his side was passing through town on her way to Florida with my cousins who are still just little kids. I doubt they even remember me, that's long it's been since I've seen them. Dad didn't say a word. I heard through my sister, the day of, in passing. No phone call. And I was hurt. It was one time too many that he hadn't called. But I didn't say anything.
No need to lament not saying something, because, well, while I was taking a shower, my mom couldn't sleep, upset that my sister and I hadn't been called (and that Dad didn't show up to the concert that my sister was performing in that night). So she wrote to him. And included my Facebook note post about "It's your dad..." and emailed him. She decided to tell me this before I went to work on Friday. That didn't start the day off well for me. I was scheduled to leave at 12pm so that I could leave early with the party heading to the retreat at 1:30 (I didn't want to leave at 6), and I had a lot to do at school before leaving. I was already upset - I hadn't seen my aunt, my dad didn't even shoot an email, and I felt like I did all over again when I was caught in the middle before. I felt like she dragged me into it. And gotta love all of the excuses like "it's on Facebook, so it's public domain" - which isn't true, and just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Of course, she defends herself - there's no thought to how this affects me, simply how she PERCEIVES it affects me.
She forwards me Dad's response to her as well as her reply to him, all proud of herself for the way that she responded to his response. I don't take well to people giving themselves lots of credit if they first affirm their own work and then expect the same reaction from me (getting upset if I disagree, however valid my reasons). My dad did email me and apologized profusely for having not called. It just caused all those unresolved painful emotions to well up in me again - the same rotten feelings from the divorce - the broken heart, the beside-myself, why-can't-it-be-fixed, this-pain-will-never-subside feelings. I thought I would cry, but I had students in the classroom. Dad came to school, minutes after I had read the email. I was talking to my students, and our office secretary paged me and told me to "read my email". She said that my dad was in the office to see me, and would I like to send a student to get him. I had had enough emotions for the day and now this. I was thankful, not anxious. He came to apologize in person, say he was sorry, offer his explanations. And I know my dad because we are very similar - sometimes we let the busy keep us from doing what should be priority on the list.
This is not a legacy that I want to leave. I want one to be one. I don't want something that has nothing to do with bettering relationships with God or people to top my list. And while I forgive my dad, something about Thursday left lasting damage. It seemed to cause all of the very deep, underlying I-haven't-really-dealt-DEALT-with-this-in-a-while-stuff to flare up. And I went to the retreat with a tired, saddened heart.
Feelings about my family, when they concern my father, ignite so much more than just thoughts about the pain. Part of the sorrow is my desperation for my dad's salvation, and the other pressing matter on my heart, the salvation of my grandparents. I have been in a battle with hopelessness about them for a long time - I have wept, praying in the Spirit so hard that my body has shaken with the effort, where I have simply sobbed my heart out without words - literally, just the groaning of my heart for them. And I am at a loss at what even the Father could say through me or what I could be empowered by Him to do on their behalf. And still, I cry. The desire in my heart is so strong, but I wonder seriously if sometimes I pray in vain. And that is a sad thought indeed. I remind myself of the scriptures where Jesus says that if we ask in the Father's will...and He is willing that none should perish, right? All of these burdens plus one (which I will share about in a later post), were pressing on my heart. I cried basically the entire weekend. I used to be so ashamed. And part of me still feels that way, but I figured I'd not really ever be in a safer place than there if I needed to cry in front of people. The hard part was keeping that crying reasonable, because I felt like I could have made a spectacle of myself.
Needless to say, something is going on - I feel hounded by something, and my current reaction to it is breaking into tears, though I can't even articulate it. Whatever the situation with my parents and a trying, emotional weekend brought on, it hasn't left. And my emotions seem to still be tender to the touch. My only real bet is prayer.
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