Wow, some title. Don't get your hopes up. I'm no John Piper (I love him, you should listen to him, sit at his feet like a student of a rabbi, he's just that good http://www.desiringgod.org/), but I wanted to put this into, well, perspective.
Saturday, I'm battling; overwhelmed; trying to figure out how to medicate my messed-up-ness. I love the Church and I love church. I go to a great church in Acworth, GA (of all places) called http://www.fourpointschurch.tv/ - check it out. God's Presence is there (and I don't EVER say that lightly - I HATE "charismania" and over-emotionalized Christianity that doesn't ground itself in truth, but rather SOLELY in emotion).
I'm ready for church - overwhelmed, spent, done, ready. The Spirit in my heart gets there, and it's like the greatest sigh of relief (that each week of my life has ever known) is breathed in that place. And I am clear. I sit there, we sing, praise, listen, spend time with one another, and God, in His mercy, floods more of my mind than "me" does. God is so big - and when God is so big in your mind, in your own mind you are small. And everything seems simple, easy, and clear. I love that mercy. And I thought, SOMETHING must change. I'm not living life the way that I'm called to - constantly battling MYSELF and my SIN in the SAME THINGS. I got more sin to deal with than just the same junk - I've got to get rid of the small junk because I can't see the big junk - it's the forest I can't see for the trees. I thought, man, this is so OLD... and STILL? And it was as if God was speaking into my heart, "Time to move on. What is your choice? I want the answer NOW. Are you going to continue to silently whine to yourself about the work load, or are you going to suck it up and focus; this tiny little cross, where you deny yourself these tiny little things, are you going to take it up? There is greater discipline on the horizon..." and I thought of the stuff of Hebrews 11 and 12. Those Hebrews, they weren't sinning, they were called to resist sin - called to a higher standard of discipline. If I can't handle suburban, single life, what on earth am I asking more for? That sense of "deal or no deal" was very strong. It was like the words "GROW UP" were written on the wall, and I was Nebuchadnezzar complaining about made-up tasks and a made-up standard of perfection.
A key part of the story happened Saturday during the afternoon. I was reunited with an old co-worker who had been married within the last 6 months. Now, don't misunderstand my post about being single - I want to be married, I want kids, but there is so much more of the God-story that I God to do in that life. So, I ask people about their new marriage to learn (and because I think it is a HUGE decision). And she told me and life is good, etc. But I thought, "where's this going?" And it was God; He was there again - a Holy dissatisfaction - I can't just do the suburbs. I need to have an END GAME and a DIRECTIVE - a place, a passion, A RESPONSIBILITY for something that God has called me to. And I knew, when I heard her telling me (she works for a ministry), I thought "not enough - I'm called to something different, some different song, some different life." And I knew it was truth. Just not what I am built for. What a weird thing, but it was CRYSTAL clear. I think now is the time, finally, to ask where I am going - what the end game is. I feel like God shows me the windows of time in which I'm to ask Him direct questions. He brings me to that point where I know the question that I need to ask - even that is a process.
It reminds me of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - they ask "what is the meaning of life?" they create all of these ridiculous computers to answer the question; and the answer? "42." And confusion and anger and frustration and murderous thoughts overcome them. Talking to the computer, they realize they have asked the wrong question - they don't know what question to ask, and the process of developing more computers to figure out the question is the next ridiculous task. I can't just ask, I have to know that question, why I'm asking it, realized what the implications are of asking it, and accept those implications. And all of this is by the power of the Holy Spirit. I am not this pious. Shoot, I'm not this organized. It never EVER ceases to amaze me how the Holy Spirit is so NEAT, as in TIDY. It's never messy. I always get there, no matter how embattled the beginning stages of "big questions" are for my tiny brain. God is ALWAYS good; and He ALWAYS gives me clear answers. What an awesome God we have. He is more than deserving of our worship. So, here I stand, choice made - dying to my "perception" - which is half truth, half falsehood (which makes it ALL falsehood), and I am feeling pretty great about it all. I feel healthier in dying to it, which seems so contra to what we think dying to ourselves is. That is a mercy and a grace, isn't it?
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