I talked to my mom about trying to figure out what caused me to lose touch with people...how it got this bad...
In the quiet moments with the Lord, I was praying, desperate to remember, desperate to heal...what came out were more emotions and tears, but realizations nonetheless. My brother and sister were both sensitive...people never thought I was - I didn't cry...I choked tears back till my throat hurt with the exertion...do you know what I mean? This gave people, even my mom, the impression that I was a tough cookie...but I learned I didn't want to cry in front of people. There was a shame associated with that. I didn't want to be made fun of again - once for one thing, then being mocked for the resulting tears. So I held back.
A good friend recommended a personality book to me, which has you use the adjectives that best describe you to tell what type of personality you have. There are four - each associated with a color. This is not unlike the colors personality test, but this is different. I did my self-perception, then my friends', then my mom's. My mom's and mine came out similar. According to my friends, I was normal, along the lines of happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, but dominant, driven, and directed. This is far from how I ever feel on the inside. I guess I compensate?
According to my mom and I, I encountered a problem... I was on a diagonal. When you are on diagonal with personality elements, it's out of the norm because the relationships between types are usually vertical or horizontal in relation to a secondary personality type. Diagonals are rare in that they usually occur because of a past trauma, and the resultant diagonal line means that there is masking. Masking means that you put on a personality that really isn't the one that you naturally fall to in order to deal. It's a coping mechanism - a survival tactic when someone imposes their type on you or when something has happened to you.
I began thinking about this, and it simply occurred to me: as a kid, in early childhood, I was rarely sad. I loved life, I had joy, and I didn't think there were things wrong with me besides the fact that I was a sinner and needed Jesus. In short, I felt human and okay. I think the rejection in school, after a big move to Georgia when I was six, made me a sad person. I wasn't ever sad...and I didn't feel shame...but something happened. And I became very internal...not sharing. This blog is a huge departure from where I was years ago. I feel like I am regaining my personality. For so long, I had no identity - it had been stolen, or I lost it, or I was ashamed. I had no real goals, just to do well. I am thankful for Christ Jesus. Without Him, I know I would feel worthless because I often feel tempted to feel that I am even with Him. I feel like whoever I was before all that sadness is trying to get out. That girl is trying to conquer the sadness.
I have come to appreciate time alone... on so many tests, I come out as an introvert, but I wonder if I am a closet extrovert who has to learn how to interact with people again because I shut off my natural friendliness after all that grief... I find that I want to be around people all the time...or maybe I just find those people that I can "be introverted" in the presence of... in either case my desire is for that precious emotional healing... but greater is my desire for God's glory. Whatever His will is, of all things I can take comfort in, it's that His will would be done.
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