I am the chicken on the vane...

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....that's the sound of the numbness; it's the sound of plans dissolving. You can't hear anything beyond it in the moment. Shock is simply the raining thought, you could burst into tears, but your simply, purely shocked. So pure is the feeling, you can't feel anything for a few moments, can't hear, can't taste. It's just...there.

And I lost my job - no position at the school AT ALL. No option. I think I was shocked because the picture was painted that it would be there. And that I would be back. And I was getting used to it - to improving, to learning from the first year. And then, it was all shattered yesterday. No position at THIS school - after the so much hope was given, groundwork laid, and then the rug was pulled out. Nonchalantly, unexpectedly, heartbreakingly pulled.

I cried - I was shocked. Just thinking that it was safe, and that was it, I think the worst part was allowing myself to get used to the idea. Placing my heart on the line - I never do that, I'm always cautiously negative, planning on the worst and stifling hope. I'm rarely wrong. RARELY. And this occasion, I let myself be wrong; I thought I would be wrong, and I was burned. I could be jaded, but I won't be. I'll just make sure that I express my sadness, and continue on.

I spoke to my mom, who I told that what the hardest part, in all of it, is the emotions. I cannot handle the extreme emotions I've been experiencing. But now, I don't even know what or where. Do I continue in education? Do I change? Do I do what's safe? Do I do what is expected? Do I change directions entirely? As bad as I think I am at teaching, my perception isn't the same as some of my colleagues, and I have cultivated a genuine, amicable relationship with my students. And it's hard to leave them. It's hard to leave the wonderful colleagues. And that is mixed with a sense of betrayal by my employer, the county.

I feel like the chicken on the weather vane, gently pushed into some direction or violently beaten about in a storm. I feel like I've been through many violent storms, and only worse is to come. The worst to deal with is the "what?" questions. "What is the Lord trying to teach me?" "What did I do wrong?" "What am I supposed to do?" Now, I know Hebrews well, and I think of the discipline that the believers are told about - that type that's not correction for wrongdoing, but the type that means you are being called to a higher standard because you are called to something different and, well, more. But it's beating me up. We resist sin, and we are to resist to the point of death - now that, wow. Imagine dying before you would tell a lie, because you hate sin so much - that's not quite what the writer of Hebrews is talking about, but it got me thinking about how much we are to resist sin, and to live above worldliness.

To my advantage in my predicament is my singleness. My disadvantage? Debt - school loans. So, maybe the question I should ask myself is, if I had no debt, what would I choose to do? I jumped into it immediately after high school, after the divorce of my parents. It's hard for me to imagine life without the albatross. But, if I had no chains, what would I pursue? And I don't know. It runs so deep as to the point where I feel guilty to pursue the "what I want" because I feel like I have been taught that "what I want" runs perfectly contradictory to "what God wants." But we have propencities, desires, abilities, strengths for a purpose, don't we?

The only thing that I really could think the past month was "ugh, I don't wanna think" because, well, all this comes spilling out...I'm drowning in it.

So what's the plan? I don't know. I don't want to step out over and over again, rejected from this job, dead end here, after all of the work. I went to college, I got the degree. What is going on from here on out? Well, for now, here's the plan:

1. I am dropping one summer graduate course from UGA - the one that starts the 4th - I need to rest and not fill up my schedule immediately, like I usually do.
2. I'm thinking I'm going to drop my masters and withdraw from UGA after the summer; tuition is going to increase, and if I don't want to continue my education in educational theory (which is bunk because that's NOT what happens in a classroom), then why am I paying interest on it? I'd rather study more Spanish, even a different language, and really pursue something that keeps my interest.
3. I will go ahead and go to the rehiring fair for the county, at least to see what's there; I am at a disadvantage because my certificate is not clear, renewable; it is provisional, and I am not considered highly qualified by NCLB.
4. Find any well-paying job that will help me eradicate the debt; I'd like to get married one day debt-free, but I am the textbook case of single-girl-with-high-debt. That is my demographic, and I want out.
5. Pray. Pray again. Call out. Seek, and be patient. I'm finding that I'm scared and sad because I really don't trust God - I didn't realize how much I attribute my earthly father's bad characteristics to my Heavenly Father's character. I didn't think I did, but I'm finding that I'm riddled from anxiety because I feel like God is going to knock the wind out of me worse than I have ever imagined. And that He is going to put me into the position of toughing it out. It's something that He will have to break me of.

During this time, please pray that the Lord remind me as He reminded the Israelites that He brought them out of the Land of Egypt into the land He promised their fathers. Please pray that I would remember that faith is credited as righteousness. Please pray I don't get discouraged and depressed. Please pray that I exercise and get out, instead of moping and crying because I'm so worn down and stressed. And, please pray.