Today, I said goodbye to the past. But I wonder if my physical action of doing it will help the emotional and mental action. I held on to old notes from high school - it was work, no doubt. That's what's hard to part with - work - hours worth of notes, physical representations of regrets, and physical representations of successes. But I put it all in the trash. I'm tired of looking back, regretting, being strapped to it, wondering what "should have been," all the depression of it. I want new. I need new. I need different. I need to be different. I kept the language stuff from Spanish and Latin - the stuff that really interested me. I'm tired of forcing myself to be well-rounded into liking everything. I enjoyed the other subjects and was even good at them, but I'm okay with saying goodbye. And I like saying goodbye to the feeling "this could come in handy someday..." Goodbye "could." I'm not running the stats of keeping the trash around. It's not eternal. Only I am.
I thought of the element of my personality I'd like to trade - probabilities, possibilities, chances, maybes, what-ifs. I just want them gone. I want a plan. I want a decision. But I am the architect - I'm the one that looks at the solutions, weighs them, decides, but takes a long time to do so. And sometimes, those things get dusty! Those blueprints get old...new technologies are out there, the old won't do. And with so many new options, I'm ready to purge the old ones, no matter how much work they had been. All those unfinished things, I'm forgetting them, getting rid of them, and moving on. Perhaps the best word for it is "fed up." It's funny - now I feel "fired up" - I do feel different. For so long, being cautious is what I was about, but now, I just feel like that is a mold that I was squished into. Don't throw that away, it could be useful; you'll get back to it; you'll finish that; you might make a big mistake if you do that. No, I won't finish it, and, I'm fine with not finishing it; well, I've already made mistakes, and I'm forsaking that word "might." Hang the regret of it, I'm tired of living in the past. I'm thankful for learning to be in that mold though - I think it's made me wise when I would otherwise be extremely foolish. The pendulum did swing too far, though, and I think it's time to come back to the delicate balance. It's time to take risks, it's time to exercise discipline and feel like I can steward myself and my life again, on behalf of God, empowered by the Holy Spirit. It'll be weird not feeling like I am out of control.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for not doing or following what I feel a culture, that is not surrendered to Jesus, expects of me. I'm tired, really, of not being me. This is such a liberating notion to me that it makes me feel like I really have the freedom in Christ to move on, to forsake the shame, and to bear the cross. I can't say how much regret has held my life in it's squeezing grasp, and it's not all gone, but I am ready to be healed of that. I'm feeling as if that's the door to growing up, letting go, maturing, and finally feeling like I know myself better, and I'm okay with who I really am under all the layers of misidentity and scarring, from others, but worse, from myself.
Best thought of the day - that none of it is eternal. The physical stuff isn't - what to rejoice in? It NEVER goes to waste! All of that past, every bit, thankfully, is remembered by the Lord, acknowledged by him, forgiven where needed, rewarded where needed, healed where needed, exalted where needed, redeemed where needed. These tiny little things He remembers. Praise Him for sovereignty! Praise Him for justice! Praise Him that just the improving knowledge of Who He is and how He is affords freedom to the bound. I'm so very in debt to Him, and that's the only place I want to be.
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