Recently, the question of what the desire of my heart is has been a scary question to ask...because I feel that I am divided in weird ways...
Part of me is scared that I won't be married anytime soon and I would like to have kids...this is what I think I want, along with being a missionary. But, I am not the guaranteur of this venture..my job is to be patient...
But, also, I feel scared of not being scared. I know this sounds so strange, but we young women feel pressure to do things on a strict time schedule...lots of friends get married...and some of us are still single...and I feel like I'm ready to not feel afraid if it never happens.
But I feel the pressure. I worry that if I'm okay with it that I will really be okay, even though I would feel different from everyone else...even though for as long as I've lived, I thought it would always happen. And I think that I have promises, but the times for them I don't have.
But there are things that I want to do - like I want to travel, serve, learn more. And I don't really know how to plan all that or what God wants me to do. I want to live a life of obedience, so I have to pray and read a lot to feel like I will make decisions in wisdom.
What has brought this about? A couple of things: 1) my feeling of being called to missions and 2) a strange occurrence in Athens.
Last Friday, I stole away to Athens to visit a good friend of mine for a few hours. I told her I would visit, so I did. I went to Gilbert Hall, where the Romance Languages Department is to see if an old professor of mine was still there. At the door, I ran into another old professor of mine. I had him for an 80 person lecture (it was a class that had certain topics I DID NOT like). But the professor was likeable. I didn't think he would know my name - I emailed him a couple of times, at most. I was very vocal in that class, but I didn't think he knew my name. As we were talking, he asked me what I was doing and if I had started my masters. I told him that I had started through the college of education. He scoffed (politely), asking why I was over there (at the college of education). He said that I should be a T.A. in the Spanish Department, I would improve my Spanish, I could teach, and they would pay my tuition (definite plus), and they would pay me a stipend (which would run about $1200/mo.). Then, another professor walked up, and he introduced me to her, without hesitation, using my full name. When I had bumped into him, I know he recognized me, but he had that "I'm searching for your name" look. When he introduced me, I was shocked. But he said since I had a history with the department and that I was "known there", that I would have a good chance. I mean, this was a weird door. And it changed things up a bit, kind of like when I got a call from the high school that I teach at for an interview. And, I don't know what God is doing - the professor, he was leaving the building, and we talked for a good 30-40 minutes...and it was a strange opportunity.
What's so appealing is the opportunity to improve my Spanish. I really want to maximize it - and wished I had done so during undergraduate.
I wrote before that I thought it could be 3-5 years before I could get to the mission field. And I wonder where God wants me...
Right now, I am in a very interesting (and partially confusing) time. I like and enjoy teaching high school, but college students would be an awesome opportunity. I don't know...
In some serious prayer....
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