A couple of nights ago, the lows started to strike me - just feeling down, sad, etc. In short, I was feeling like many, many things were wrong in my life. And they are. And I just was on my knees, with some tears. And I started praying for my own repentance.
I decided after I prayed to write down things in my journal - and I feel like I had a real breakthrough. There are four areas where I simply want to repent - in the caring of my body as the Holy Temple, in the caring of my household chores, in managing my finances, and in meeting with the Lord on an EXTREMELY regular daily basis. I began writing about why I hadn't addressed this with the Lord, knowing that these had been regular, habitual problems.
And as I was writing, I knew why. I thought they were selfish things to ask for/ ask for help for. That may sound crazy, but I felt like asking for them would be focusing on me, and I was so under the pressure to not ask for those things - and they are VERY important to the individual health of a person. But for that reason - that they specifically relate to me - I found it not right to ask. I often feel terrible for asking - I feel like a burden, but really, I am burning inside to be reached out to. And that's hard, because people DO treat people like burdens. Then they say they are willing to help and go the extra mile. And the talking out of two sides of the mouth drives a person like me nuts.
I can attribute this to the passive aggression that still lingers in the fringe of my person - much of it was eradicated by the first experiential event that God did in my life for me alone. But I've been treating God like I treat most people - lack of intimacy, lack of really letting Him (and even myself) know the real burdens and the real problems in my heart, hiding behind the guise of it being a selfish thing to admit or seek help for. But the reality is something much more painful... it's more along the lines of not feeling like I am allowed to ask, along the lines of "what bothers me the most and what needs to be fixed the most desperately" is not worthy of voicing and seeking remedy. But it's made me out of control, especially emotionally. I am having to confront the fact that I don't even open up with God, I'm so far under a bondage of "can't ask because it's selfish", but then selfishness, because it's not so easily silenced, seeps out in other ways... I wouldn't put it past me to credit myself with caring for others because I stifle the most important part of myself - how I'm really feeling. And it does feel VERY good for me to serve when I do serve (though I often feel like people don't want me in their lives, to tell the truth). So I really do receive a benefit since it's not quite a sacrifice of time or effort - I feel built to do it. But I do stifle the emotions. Where I get this, I have no clue. My mom isn't like that - not nearly. I think my dad might be - but when you are like that, your tendency is to gossip because you can't stifle the emotions forever. But you won't talk to the person directly. DANGER. So, I am starting with this very small, but important, step of repenting for how bad I've let it get. I'm asking boldly, approaching the throne of grace with boldness, anticipating that the Lord will meet me with grace as I serve Him in faith through obedience. It goes so far against the grain of my original fallen thought, that I think this will be a longer process, but I welcome it. I need the help.
No comments:
Post a Comment